IS THIS LIFE?
Alzheimer's is a fascinating disease when compared
to other illnesses for it storms in, attacks all of one's
brain cells, eventually leaving nothing in its path. It deeply
saddens me as I question how this is possible.
Even more frustrating is that my mom cannot describe
to me what is happening to her. I can only guess
what she may be thinking or feeling. Why, with most of her
memory gone, does she still search all over for her parents?
What makes her reverse back to her childhood even as she
becomes more childlike?
I was fortunate to be able to speak to mom the other day which is not the
usual. I shared with her by phone since I am a long distance
caregiver how much I loved her and how special she was to me. She
repeated the word "special" and then rambled on mixing up
words so I had no clue what she was trying to say. I
guess she understood what I said for one flashing moment as
she quickly moved back into her own world. A world
in which she now lives all alone.
I often feel like a pendulum myself swinging back and
forth with my mixed up feelings concerning her. There
are times when she can make me smile and other times when I wonder
what her life is all about. My heartache is in
thinking of her nonexistence.
I have been complimented on what a wonderful daughter I am and wish
that I could truly own this. It took my mom getting dementia (twelve years ago)
for me to love her the way I do. Before she became ill, of
course I loved her, for she was my mother, yet my love and
feelings for her were so different.
I regret that I was not aware of how much love for her existed
inside me. I do know now how fortunate I was to
be given a second chance to love her unconditionally. For
this I am surely thankful.
Since mom does not know the difference of the world she now lives in, I as
her daughter, am the one who is left to feel the pain. How I wish I could
rescue her from this world of no return. The destructive world of Alzheimer's.
In four weeks I will be arriving in
Florida with my husband to spend one month visiting mom at the nursing home.
This is the second year that we were able to arrange this. Last year for all of
us it was so meaningful. Mom became more and more “alive” as she greeted us
each day. Of course she could not share this, yet in my heart I could feel it.
I loved being transformed from the “long
distance caregiver” to mom’s “daily” caregiver. It was a feeling, although at
moments quite difficult, of being able to care for my mom as she once had cared
for me.
