SHE'S ALWAYS MY MOTHER

SHE'S ALWAYS MY MOTHER


As each day passes my mom has her moments of distance and familiarity. It had been several days since I was able to hear her sweet voice. I phone each day and get updates from the nurses on how she is doing. I have learned to accept this, although I deeply miss the kisses that once ended all of our daily calls.

Today is what I would consider a day filled with sunshine. Mom was just walking by the nursing station as I phoned. She picked up the receiver and as I shared my sentiments with her, my eyes filled with moisture. "Mom I really miss you." She answered back in a voice that sounded free of Alzheimer's. "I miss you, too." I was thrilled to tell her that I would be visiting her in exactly four weeks. Her answer was "that's wonderful," as she dropped the phone.

It was a moment of magic for me to cherish. Somethings never change for just hearing her voice warms my heart and soul. Not one day goes by that I take for granted the miracles left of her life.

I recently watched a movie that dealt with a relationship between a mother and daughter. As it came to an end, I felt different emotions beginning to swell in me. It was the realization that I can no longer share with mom any of the meaningful things that transpire in my life.

In this respect, I recognize that this part of her has vanished. The mom who comforted me or delighted in my accomplishments is no longer capable of doing so. This awful disease has stolen this piece of her. A part that I know will never return.

Yet with it all, we still can share a deep love. What perhaps has changed is that in many ways our roles have reversed. Now it is my turn to care for her, as she had once cared for me. The truth is that no matter whatever my mom can or cannot do, I still am her daughter, and she will always be my mother.

MY MOM MY HERO is for all the special people in your lives. Over 100 great reviews.

Available on Amazon & Kindle worldwide.

http://www.amazon.com/Mom-Hero-Alzheimers-A-daughters-bittersweet/dp/0615773982/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1389797650&sr=8-1&keywords=lisa+hirsch

TRUE BOND OF LOVE

TRUE BOND OF LOVE


I found this on FB today and I just wanted to share it with you. It's amazing how they captured what is so embedded in my heart. My love for my entire family. There was only one person who was not in these pictures, and that is my brother. So I posted him on top of this page.

It's only 1 minute long. Hope you enjoy it. It shows all the love we feel for one's family, which is something that we all do share.

Thanks, Lisa

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=596382897108956

THE SUN KEEPS SHINING

 

 

THE SUN KEEPS SHINING .

As my mother enters the latter stages of her life, whether or not she has Alzheimer's, I try to keep a smile on my face and faith in my heart. Mom will be turning ninety years old in six months. The reports from the medical team at the nursing facility tell us that she is extremely healthy.

Yet it is difficult to know how slowly or quickly her body will break down. In several ways mom is strong and appears to have much "life" left in her. Although her memory hardly exists, she still is able to communicate with everyone and stroll around in her Merry Walker. For a woman with Alzheimer's for over nine years, keeping things in the correct perspective, she is doing great.

The other evening at 8PM the nursing home phoned to tell me that mom had a large black and blue mark on her arm. I asked several questions to the nurse, "can she move her arm, is she complaining of any pain?" The nurse reassured me that everything was fine, just that she had to follow procedures to notify the family.

Thanking her for calling, and as I hung up the phone feeling relieved, and noticed that my husband appeared to be upset. He was holding his head as if in anguish. I could not imagine what was possibly running through his mind, and only wanted to comfort him.

I was surprised by his reaction as he shared that he was fearful that was "the" phone call, telling me that my mom had passed away. At that moment tears fell from my eyes and rolled slowly down my cheeks. I knew deep in my heart that one day I will receive this call.

As I look at my mom's life, as long as she is not suffering, I can only be grateful that she is still alive.Yes I have my moments of wondering what kind of existence does she have. When my mind travels down that path I quickly bring myself back to soak up the rays of sun. I know that we are not able to choose how we die, yet we get to choose how we feel and how we wish to live.

I am committed to be "in the space" of being happy. This is how my mother would want me to be.  I embrace celebrating her life, her love and as of today, I will continue to allow "our" sun to keep shining through .

 

MY MOM MY HERO is for all the special people in your lives. Over 100 great reviews.

Available on Amazon & Kindle worldwide.

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A MAGICAL MOMENT

A MAGICAL MOMENT

My mom now has had Alzheimer's for over nine years. Her younger brother suffered with this disease before passing away 6 years ago. My grandfather lived to the ripe age of eighty-two and my grandmother died of colon cancer at the age of fifty-six.

Maybe if my grandparents lived longer, especially my grandmother, then they too would have shown signs of dementia. My brother and I wonder what caused this to plague our immediate family. Were there other ancestors who had Alzheimer's ?

We have no answer, yet pray that it skips our generation, and those of our children. By then hopefully there will be a cure or at least some prevention.

Recently, I asked my brother if he could phone me, so I could speak to my mom during his visit. It was late in the afternoon and instead of calling me he sent me a picture of her curled up sleeping in her bed. To be honest seeing her in a hospital bed left me feeling troubled. I also felt sorry that she was unable to enjoy his bi-weekly visit.

A half an hour later my brother phoned and said that mom had woken up, as he placed the phone to her ear. I excitedly asked her is she had some nice dreams. Not only did she answer me sounding perky she responded "yes, I dreamt of how beautiful you are and how much I love you."

This made my day and perhaps my "entire" year. At that second I knew that this was a magical moment. I could hear the presence and clarity in her voice. We continued to converse in ways that have all but vanished for the last few years.

I chose to be brave and presented mom with my favorite question for her. One that I use to ask several times a year. It had intrigued me that although she had no memory she was able to always answer it the same way.

As my brother listened to our conversation, I said, "Mom if you could wish for anything for your children what would it be ?" Mom then said, with a joy from deep within "for my children to be healthy".

I heard my brother utter "what a great answer." At that instant I knew that this was a magical moment. One filled with sunshine as we continue to share not only our love, but our long goodbye.

MY MOM MY HERO is for all the special people in your lives. Over 100 great reviews.

Available on Amazon & Kindle worldwide.

http://www.amazon.com/Mom-Hero-Alzheimers-A-daughters-bittersweet/dp/0615773982/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1389797650&sr=8-1&keywords=lisa+hirsch

SO VERY PROUD

SO VERY PROUD

Dreaming of mom for me is unusual, yet this week I awoke from a dream about her that touched me deeply. It left me feeling all warm and cuddly inside. We were being interviewed by this lady and mom appeared to be forty years younger. In the dream I felt uncomfortable when mom was surprised that I was her daughter. Despite this, I loved being with her and seeing her so full of life, wanting only to return to my dream. I was unable to.

During the holiday season it had been difficult to speak to mom for at least a week. Inside of me, I had all these feelings of how much I missed her, and yearned to hear her say my name.

Last week one evening my brother called to tell me that mom took a fall from her Merry Walker. He was at the nursing home and said that no one saw what happened, except that mom had a rather large gash on her head, located next to her eye. No stitches were needed yet she refused to allow a bandage to be left on her face. The nursing home had hospice assign an aide to sit with her, for at least twenty four hours, which ended up lasting for two days.

Through the last several years mom has taken falls and has happily never fractured anything. I have heard how easily ones breaks something, especially after they have Alzheimer's. It is also quite difficult to fully recover after such an incident.

Fortunately, the only thing that transpired was mom became more confused for a few days . She quickly bounced back to herself  and marched on as she strolled the halls of the nursing home, in her Merry Walker. Like Martha Thatcher who was known as the "Iron Lady". Ruth Elian, my mom has become the "Bionic Woman".

At the age of eighty nine except for having Alzheimer's and macular degeneration she takes no medication and is as healthy as anyone could ever wish for.

Things have returned  back to "normal" and we are able to share with each other how much we love one another .This lady somehow never stops to amaze me. I'm not sure where her inner strengths come from, yet for the last nine years she has become my hero and I am so proud that she is my mother.



My Mom My Hero book is for all the special people in our lives.

Available on Amazon & Kindle worldwide.
http://www.amazon.com/Mom-Hero-Alzheimers-A-daughters-bittersweet/dp/0615773982/ref=tmm_pap_title_0?ie=UTF8&qid=1381851317&sr=1-1

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LUCKY, LUCKY ME

LUCKY, LUCKY ME


I'm back home approximately three weeks now, since spending seven glorious days with my mom. I like using the word glorious, for when I look at all the wonderful pictures I have from my visit I see such joy on her face. These memories are still in my conscious and light up my life.

I remember guests in the hotel asking if I was on a vacation and how long I was staying. My answer was always the same. I would be there for eight days and the reason for my trip was to spend each day seeing my mother, who was in a nursing home. I would mention that she had Alzheimer's. Politely the answers were always the same. "I'm so sorry." I took notice of my response, which was as genuine as the smile on my face and I answered," I feel so fortunate to still have her."

If I let my mind travel down certain paths, I would feel some sadness. For myself and mom, I know that I need to remain is the "space" of feeling blessed.

 Since then each day that I phone the nursing facility, even if I cannot reach mom, I have a connection with all the nurses. This makes me feel secure that my mom is being well cared for. The nurses know that she is loved by her family and not forgotten.

 Even if my visits are not daily, my phone calls can be. I've been calling my mom everyday for the last nine years and this means the world to me, something that I will not stop.

I have been able to speak to her at least three times a week since I am back home. With each phone call mom wants to know when I am coming to visit her. Although, she does not remember that I was with her, it somehow connects to her brain that I was just present in her life.

I have been so fortunate to hear her say," I know you love me and you know how much I love you." Somehow my visits bring me back into her "universe". Enjoying it now with no false pretenses that this will last is more than I can ask for.

Being a long distance caregiver is not always easy. I may not like it, although I have accepted it.  Life is not always how we might choose, yet there is one thing that means the world to me; I know how much I adore her and how deep her love is for me. So today, I call myself lucky, lucky me.

My Mom My Hero book is for all the special people in our lives.

Available on Amazon & Kindle worldwide.
http://www.amazon.com/Mom-Hero-Alzheimers-A-daughters-bittersweet/dp/0615773982/ref=tmm_pap_title_0?ie=UTF8&qid=1381851317&sr=1-1

THE MOM I SO ADORE

THE MOM I SO ADORE

 Less than a week ago I returned from spending seven special days with my mom. When friends  asked me how she was doing, I answered, "wonderful, given that she has Alzheimer's for the last nine years." The distance between us is difficult, yet I know that the nursing home that my mom is living in takes good care of her.

As I returned to frigid weather in New York, I thought of how unfair it would have been to bring her North. Mom has been living in warm weather for the last twenty seven years and her body temperature is use to that climate.

My husband joined me on this trip, and mom was unable to recognize him, nor remember who he was, yet magically fell in love with him. She wanted to know if he was her husband, and could not understand that he was her son-in-law for the last 33 years. Perhaps she imagined herself jumping on a white horse with him and taking off into the sunset.

Each day we took her out to sit in the garden to enjoy the warm breeze and the sounds of birds chirping. She walked around in her Merry Walker as my husband pointed out the different color flowers. It was like watching a child discover the beautiful things of nature for the very first time. I embraced her enthusiasm, her smiles and her laughter. Mom was in seventh heaven as she gleamed with delight.

At her age of eighty nine, mom is still feisty and has a good sense of humor. She enjoyed singing and spelling and on most occasion's knew I was her daughter .Once in a while she said I was her mother. Her mother, her daughter it did not matter, because I felt all the love that we had for each other.

I know that you cannot fight the progression of Alzheimer's yet mom seems to be "holding on". If I think of  her surroundings, the bedroom she shares with her roommate who no longer speaks and the others who have disappeared from this horrific disease, I could cry my eyes out.  Not knowing when and if mom will be like this, I now choose to cherish the time that we still have together.

Today, although mom is different than she was, I hold deep to my heart how very much I adore her.  Sometimes in life we need to be thankful for what we have, for one day that, too, shall be gone.



MY MOM MY HERO BOOK for the special people in our lives. Available on Amazon & Kindle worldwide.

http://www.amazon.com/Mom-Hero-Alzheimers--daughters-bittersweet/dp/0615773982/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1387133435&sr=1-1&keywords=lisa+hirsch

 

REFLECTIONS

REFLECTIONS

Approaching the holiday season I felt it was important to look back on this past
year. Thanksgiving was always my favorite holiday, a special time to be with my family. This holiday represents an opportunity to reflect back on the year, and to embrace being grateful for what life has given me.

Was this year perfect, not filled with anything that was troublesome to me ? Absolutely not, yet as I look around at some of the other tragedies that exist in the world, I know that my life is one that has been blessed.

At moments there is a place in my heart that feels some sadness, yet I remain grateful that my mom is still able to smile, and say my name. I'm thankful that her Alzheimer's has not advanced into the state of non existence. Hearing her words that she loves me deeply warms my heart. Yes, I miss my mom as she once was, but I can also appreciate what we still can share.

In August of this year mom entered a nursing home. A place I promised myself never to send her to. If I focus on this, I might feel broken hearted. Instead I choose to celebrate, that she is still able to be here, in whatever way she can. Excepting what is left of her life is the most that I can ask for.

I think about all that I have to be thankful for, I think of my mom, my family and my dear friends. I am grateful for my "new friends" that I have met through Facebook. We are a community that share in so many ways, as we are supportive, caring and understanding to each other.

I would like to wish everyone a happy holiday and hope that you too, will be able to reflect back on some tender moments, that you were able to share with your loved ones.


My Mom My Hero Book is for the special people we love in our lives. Available on Amazon & Kindles worldwide.

http://www.amazon.com/Mom-Hero-Alzheimers--daughters-bittersweet/dp/0615773982/ref=sr_1_6?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1363625113&sr=1-6&keywords=my+mom+my+hero

  

A BOND NEVER TO BE BROKEN

A BOND NEVER TO BE BROKEN

It feels like ages since I was with my mom, yet it was only two months ago. At moments I am able to reflect back on my visit, and feel the warmth of her smile. Now that my next trip is approaching in three weeks, I am starting to feel excited . I yearn to see her , my heart hungers to spend time with her.

Observing her in these new surroundings does upset me, although I know that this is the best place for her. The above picture was mom and I sitting together exchanging touches and smiles. I was in deep thought of what once was, and maybe mom was reminiscing. When expressing myself to her she was able to follow along. My words and thoughts had to be short and not too complicated. Story telling is gone, for in her world, she is not able to concentrate.

While phoning the nursing home each day when I get lucky I am able to speak to her for a few seconds. Usually my calls end briefly as mom just drops the phone. One day she told me that she had to get off the phone because she was very busy. "Okay mom",smiling about her response. Mom was too busy to chat with me, as she hurried off the phone, to either do nothing or to wander the halls of the nursing facility.

Sharing this with my husband, he explained that she is probably distracted when they bring her to the phone. I know in reality that she would rather be speaking to me then roaming the hallways. Alzheimer's has removed any sort of reasoning from her. The world she lives in makes no sense, certainly not to me.

As she walks the corridors what is she looking for? Or maybe better, why is she wandering all over ? What  possibly can she be thinking ? Is she bored, or perhaps looking for a passageway to plan her escape? Maybe she is just strolling down "memory lane".

Today, I look forward and count the days until I see her, wanting to embrace her , hold her hand and share all my love for her.  When people ask me if she still knows me, I am able to smile and answer "of course she does, she is my mother and I am her daughter." For this I am so grateful..

 We share a love so strong and a bond that can never be broken. As always, I cherish these days taking nothing for granted, knowing that one day they will come to an end.



My Mom My Hero book is for all the special people in our lives.

Available on Amazon & Kindle worldwide.
http://www.amazon.com/Mom-Hero-Alzheimers-A-daughters-bittersweet/dp/0615773982/ref=tmm_pap_title_0?ie=UTF8&qid=1381851317&sr=1-1

YEARNING FOR YESTERDAY

 

YEARNING FOR YESTERDAY


As I finished another chapter of a book I am reading, I flashed on my mother and how she once loved to read. She described that when she was a teenager she could spend hours during the summer months reading under a tree. She imagined becoming some of the fascinating characters she read about. Besides her passion for literature she also adored watching movies.

Both of these joys no longer exist in her world. She is unable to read and she cannot follow the script from any movie. All of these pleasures for her are lost due to this horrific disease- Alzheimer's.  This now makes me wonder what sort of existence she now endures.

I phone the nursing home at least 2- 4 times a day trying to either reach a nurse or perhaps catch a moment to speak with her. I usually am told that she is walking around the hallways, as she is strapped into her walker, smiling to whoever passes her by.  Is she strolling or better yet wandering from being lost and confused ?

It's hard for me not to question what sort or life this is for her. Mom knows no difference, so in her universe she probably is fine. It is I who anguise for her and wonder how she really is doing.

Perhaps for me I need to adjust to her "new" life. Mom is now in her own world, and somehow I am the one left trying to find some inner peace. As each day passes my life is moving forward and mom's life seems to be disappearing .

Intellectually speaking, I realize that life does not stand still, yet I cannot help to yearn for yesterday. It's a yearning deep inside of me to bring my mom back to being a whole person.


My Mom My Hero book is for all the special people in our lives.

Available on Amazon & Kindle worldwide.
http://www.amazon.com/Mom-Hero-Alzheimers-A-daughters-bittersweet/dp/0615773982/ref=tmm_pap_title_0?ie=UTF8&qid=1381851317&sr=1-1
 

SEARCHING MY HEART

SEARCHING MY HEART

This picture of my son Logan, my mom and my dad means the world to me. It was taken in 1990 and for me it brings back many loving memories . Life was quite different then. We were all younger and when I look at mom she was filled with so much joy, just being close to her only grandchild. Today mom has no idea that she has a grandson.

Several weeks ago I went to spend time with her at the nursing home. I also spent a part of each day with my brother going through my parents personal belongings. Dad had passed away over eighteen years ago and although all his clothes were no longer in their home, we found his navy discharge papers and love letters that he wrote to her while stationed in Trinidad.

We prepared her condo to put it up for sale, knowing that mom would never be returning. Each day my brother and I shared some touching moments as we reminisced about our childhood. Now mom has no recollection of her home of twenty seven years. This like everything else seems to have vanished from her life.

Surprisingly to me, I was able to go through the week without too many emotions taking over. I held out and after returning to New York, I did experience several days of a "melt down". I broke down and cried for both of my parents, and also searched my heart about my own mortality.

I thought of mom's new life and what may be left of it. It seems when one door closes another one opens. The people who tell me that they understand, I know that they say these words out of kindness. Yet unless they have had a loved one with Alzheimer's they cannot really understand how horrific this disease is. I too wonder how it can rob you of your entire life, as if it never existed.

Wiping away images of what my mom lives through each day, somehow helps me to be grateful for the remaining days, months or years that we still have left .Staying in the moment keeps me from drifting into darker territory, places that I am fearful to travel .  I just want to feel her warmth and smile whenever I think of her. My heart must see the sun rising each day, as I know this is what my mom would only wish for me.


This Sunday Oct 20th in NYC I will be walking for my mom, her younger brother who passed away from Alzheimer's, and for all the other families all over the world who suffer from this horrific disease.

My Mom My Hero book is for all the special people in our lives.

Available on Amazon & Kindle worldwide.
http://www.amazon.com/Mom-Hero-Alzheimers-A-daughters-bittersweet/dp/0615773982/ref=tmm_pap_title_0?ie=UTF8&qid=1381851317&sr=1-1

IF ONLY FOR A MOMENT

IF ONLY FOR A MOMENT


Since my mom moved into a nursing facility her life and mine has definitely changed. She is unable to express what she is feeling, yet I'm sure that she is wondering what is happening to her. She knows her surroundings are different and since she is still aware, I can only imagine the fear that she must  be experiencing. If there could be any good part to this horrific disease it is that whatever unhappy thoughts she has, disappear as quickly as they come.

I too have had to make some adjustments given mom's new living situation. My daily morning phone calls to her that meant the world to me, now exist in a different way. Each day at different hours I place my calls to the nursing home . I phone late in the morning hoping to catch mom between an activity or her lunch time. On other days I call after her dinner trying again, to be able to reach her. Sometimes I get lucky, and at other times I am told that she is resting in bed.

The other day she sounded so cute as she was excited to hear I was on the phone. Right after she said hello she immediately said that she would call me back, and just hung up on me. Another day, I had a magical conversation with her. We spoke as if everything was like it use to be. With tears in my eyes I shared that she was breaking my heart. Mom questioned why, and said that she did not want to  break my heart. The call was so tender and left me feeling so warm almost like I was on cloud nine.

When I get to share these sentimental phone calls with her I truly cherish them, and am grateful that they still do exist.  On the days that I am not able to speak to her I have been able to feel connected. Just hearing from her nurse how her day was, has fulfilled me in a different way.

Staying away from visions of seeing mom in a the nursing home setting, wearing diapers ,strapped into a  walker or being pushed in a wheelchair is so important for me. When my mind travels down this path I quickly wash away these upsetting images.

I find myself grasping to this memory from a few years ago. On many occasions I would ask mom if she could wish for anything what would it be. She always answered "for my children to be happy and healthy." So as each day comes and goes, if only for a moment, I choose to reflect on her life as a whole person. A woman who has loved me, raised me and inspired me.



My Mom My Hero book is for all the special people in our lives.

Available on Amazon & Kindle worldwide.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0615773982/ref=olp_product_details?ie=UTF8&me=&seller=