Whlie I waited to board the plane to visit mom I wrote:
Sitting at the airport I took notice of how I was feeling. My neck felt tight and my eye lids felt heavy. I wasn't feeling excited that I was going to see mom . I think I was feeling more stressed for the unknown. What might I find? What condition would my mom be in and how would she look ?
Are my trips to see my mom, putting me into more reality ,of what is happening to her. My phone calls everyday are a more joyous occassion. My heart now seems to feel quite heavy, filled with much sadness.
An older couple just got up to board the plane. Is it also the thought of getting older ? I'm certainly heading in that direction. How many good years do I and my husband have left? What does our lives have in store for us ?
I normally do not walk around thinking about this, yet as I sit here waiting to board the plane these are my thoughts. It is now time to lighten up .
HOMEWARD BOUND- waiting to board the plane to go back home
Wow, what am I feeling? What am I thinking? I would definately describe mom as doing rather well. She looked wonderful and she seemed to be very much "with it", sharp and alert. She certainly remained in first place as the spelling queen of Florida.
It was her confusion, at where was her bathroom, should she get dressed, where were her clothes, should she brush her hair, her teeth and never flushing a toilet that you would be able to see the effects of the Alzheimer's disease. Her fear of going out,and always having to hold my hand. She is in some ways, like a child, asking me what to do and how to do it. This part of her ,I find very touching and loved when she asked me to please hold her hand.
The other side of this, is my mom who is strong, feisty,sharp and funny. It's amazing to see the two different parts of her.
Leaving today was both difficult and a little emotional . I should say, probably for my mom ,also. I asked her caregiver to please come 1/2 hour before I was going to leave. I find that my mom gets upset, and I think it is better that Elaine is able to spend several hours with her after I depart.
My mom seemed to follow me around ,no matter where I went in her apartment. She could not understand why I would not be sleeping over again tonight. Ruthie wanted to know if I was coming back tomorrow ,and when I told her, that I would be back in New York, she said "isn't that where I live"?
I tried again to speak about her moving closer to me, and this time she said nothing. Although she did express that she would be all alone again ,and with that, she broke my heart.She then asked me if I could call later and I said that I would call her tomorrow. We kissed and she remained seated in her recliner chair next to Elaine looking so sad and lost.
It's not easy watching your parents, perhaps struggle, with whatever years may remain for them. With that thought it had me wonder again about my future. What may lie ahead. As my mom would sing to me "whatever will be will be our futures not ours to see, que sera , sera . My mom remains my hero today and forever.
Wow, you must be strong. i could never leave my Mom alone if she had these problems. I'd worry myself sick. I feel so glad she is in a place surrounded day and night by trained caregivers, nurses and doctors. She can do what she wants in her apartment, but if she is lonely she only steps outside her door and goes to a living area where most everyone sits all day and does lots of activities.
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