AFTER..."OUR" LONG GOODBYE
I have hardly had any sadness since my mom passed away, nor have I cried. Yes, there is a pang in my heart if I think of her, yet I seemed to have moved on.
When friends & family asked me how I feel, or how am I am doing, my answer was mostly the same; “For the last three years I had prayed for my mom to have peace. There was hardly any life as she mostly slept or was slumped over in her wheelchair, her eyes shut closed. An existence that I would never want, nor did she.”
Just the other day I decided to reread the 2 books that I wrote about our journey together since mom had Alzheimer’s. After reading the first several chapters of my first book, My Mom My Hero, to ease the pain I think I subconsciously buried all the wonderful things mom and I had shared together.
Since we lived in different states, I would call her daily. I would be amazed at all the Buddhist like things she would say. We would speak for quite a while and laugh at the silliest of things like two teenage girls. We would sing together and have spelling bees where she mostly scored 100. This always baffled me since at times mom could not remember my name, yet she could always spell magnificently.
It was not always upbeat. I had moments of great concern when she seemed to be hallucinating. I later found out this was caused by a urinary tract infection. After if she showed any signs she would get tested, and if positive would be put immediately on an antibiotic.
I now feel that after her death all the emotions that have been dormant will surface. Although there may be some tears and heartache, I want to return to a place in time where my mom even with Alzheimer's was, to me, the most special lady. I fell in love with her unconditionally and she will always remain in my heart. Her strength and courage through all the years of her illness was something that I greatly admired. I now wish consciously to celebrate and honor her life not bury it.