MISSING MOM SO (written on July 28, 2018)
Today, July 28th, twenty-three years ago my dad passed away which left me feeling somewhat blue. I wanted so badly to speak to my mother, yet I knew that was not possible. Instead I texted my brother, shared my sadness with my husband and opened my computer to write what I was feeling. What really hit home for me was although my mom is alive I still could not share any of my feelings with her. I realized that in many ways I was somehow now an orphan or a parentless child.
What you are about to read I wrote a few weeks ago which strangely enough is so similar to what I just shared regarding my father's passing.
As I stood in front of the mirror in my bathroom removing my eye makeup I had this overwhelming feeling of how much I really missed my mom. Strangely, I felt her presence there with me. As I reminisced in my head about my earlier years I realized how she was always there for me. I might not have always thought that yet, now as I look back, I am certain of all the supportive things she always said to me.
As a teenager I was the toughest critic of myself. My hair was too curly, I complained about my nose being too long and my eyes were not large and round like my fathers. I always thought he had piercing big blues eyes similar to one of my favorite actors, Paul Newman.
With each of my insecurities my mother always tried to help in building up my confidence and self- esteem. She would tell me how pretty I was and how she wished that she was tall and "stunning" like me. My blue eyes, she said, were more exotic as they were almond shaped. She spoke words that I was just not willing to hear.
Tonight, I missed my mother more. I missed her differently. I missed her love and the lessons she tried to instill in me. I missed how she was always there for me. I missed all the years that I wasted wanting someone else's mom to be mine.
Now it is too late for her to understand all the love and respect I feel for her. How I wish that I could now share with her who I am. I want to talk to her and tell her everything that has transpired in my life. Mom knew my husband and her one and only grandchild yet today she does not recall any of us. Sadly, her life has been taken away from her.
I speak as if my mother has gone to sleep and is no longer here. In many ways unfortunately this is true.The moments that I now wish to share with her have ended for Alzheimer's has conquered. It has taken away most of who she was and has invaded her very soul. So as I said before yes, my mom is still alive yet I question, is she?
"Letter To My Mom" & My Mom My Hero are both available on Amazon worldwide. Ebook, Audio, Paperback.