Thursday, June 3, 2021



It's been almost five months since my mom passed away. I hardly cried and have been, with all honesty, relieved that she was finally at peace. Although this is something that I prayed for the last three years, I am only now getting in touch with my deepest feelings and realize I no longer have a mother to think about, worry about nor take care of. 

My stomach feels like it is in knots, and my back has had spasms for almost three weeks. Since I do get an occasional back pain I wonder if this could all be connected? Maybe yes and maybe no. Maybe it is the aftershocks of Covid and maybe it's the passing of my mother. Could it be that I am getting older, and reality is setting in?

With all that had transpired with my mom for the last 16 years (since she got Alzheimer's)writing has  been my answer for expressing my deepest inner feelings. I miss her and have so for longer than the last five months. I have missed not being able to confide in her. To tell her and share my happiness as well as my fears. I miss what had turned into our reversal of rolls. I miss, even more our childish loving exchanges for the last 16 years. I miss our telephone calls and how she made me laugh. I miss her new found Buddhist ways. I miss all the times we disagreed and our silly arguments . I miss her deep love and caring for me even if at the time I did not realize it. I miss holding her hand as she slipped further and further away from this universe, as her world was disappearing. All in all, I miss everything about her.

I am starting to mourn a loss of a parent. A mom whom I was not always close to, yet a mom who I ended up respecting and admiring so deep in my soul. A woman who showed me courage and a woman who became my shining star.  

I love you so deeply mom as you will always live on in my heart and soul.

I have started a Group for anyone who would like to honor, share a memory of a loved one who has passed away from any Form of Dementia. This group belongs to ALL of us.

Both books available on Amazon
Alzheimer's My Mom My Hero
Letter To My Mom


  1. Lisa your words so touched me and could have come from my head/heart. I am thankful for all that I learned from my mom before ALZ/Dementia took over and again what I learned from her as we traveled the journey. I am so touched by the postings on the Alzheimer's Memorial Group. Hugs for strength...prayers for peace. Marie

    1. Sending you some big strong hugs. Sadly and beautifully we are ALL in this together.

  2. Hugs, dear friend. You're now the mother/grandmother. Embrace it. At our age we must take care of ourselves. Find a good exercise that suits you, and Gd willing you'll feel better.

  3. Love to you dear one……..this is SO difficult. I finally realized a few years after my own mother died of this cruel disease that most of the sporadic insight I would experience did not begin until the immediate grief, deep fatigue, sadness, and terrible brain fog finally began to go away. I read a lot during that time about the difference in Grief and Mourning. During the last stage of her illness and then her death I couldn’t imagine why there would be a difference in what those words would come to mean.
    My mother died in 2014….almost 7 years ago. She lived 6 years after her diagnosis. The last 18 months of her life were horrific. I watched this woman I loved, admired, laughed with, learned from, and depended on lose the essence of her beautiful spirit and the last scraps of dignity which had always been very important to her. The blank look in the eyes that used to twinkle and could speak volumes without saying a word was physically painful. That was one of the most difficult reminders that I was helpless to change her suffering.
    Unlike so many who naturally feel relief wash over them when I loved one with Alzheimer’s takes the final breath that signals an end to years of suffering, I was devastated. I did feel relieved that she no longer had to struggle, but my grief was instant, intense and felt like it would last forever. Every motion, every movement felt like it was being done wile I was submerged in quicksand. I knew about anticipatory grief and had sought counseling during the years of her illness. It was hard to imagine that sadness could possibly be much worse after she died. It was much more painful. My closest confidant, source of support, my mentor and cheerleader was gone and I felt completely untethered.
    I have a wonderfully supportive husband, loving children and precious grandchildren. I slowly surfaced from that terrible black hole. That doesn’t mean that I no longer missed her so deeply I would be a tearful mess from time to time. I did notice though that the memory of her could also make me smile and the physical effects I had experienced earlier were less paralyzing.
    Your thoughtful and honest words have made me wonder if after 7 years the deep grief I felt has slowly transitioned to living in a place of mourning that will in time will be replaced by more memories that are happy and comforting. It is a journey without question.
    Many hugs to you.

    1. Your words has brought many sad memories of my mom back to me. Perhaps things that I am / have chosen to forget. I want to think of the adorable way my mom became after she became ill & not all the terribly sad things that Alzheimer’s had robbed her of. Sending you strong hugs & thanking you for sharing your inner self. Lisa