WILL THIS FINALLY BE GOODBYE ?
The above picture which I cherish was taken in 2012 in front of my mother's home. At that time mom already had Alzheimer's for several years yet she was becoming adorable like a young child. Since then so much has changed. I chose this picture, for the more recent photos are too upsetting to look at. I sure don't want to remember her the way she is now.
In less than four weeks I will be arriving in Florida for 9 weeks. As the date approaches feelings that I have buried throughout the year have been surfacing. I feel sad and helpless, because mom has been dying and there is absolutely nothing that I can do to help her.
The last fifteen years has been a journey filled with both happy and upsetting moments. Coming from a positive place I was fortunate to have been able to cherish and appreciate the good ones. For the last several years those days have disappeared and all that is left is an emptiness filled with frustration and sadness. This has turned into a very long goodbye
The other morning I started to cry as I thought of how fearful I was to see her as she is today. She hardly eats anything, sits slumped over in her chair as her eyes remain mostly closed. My family and the staff at the nursing home are all surprised that mom is still alive.
POEM
She's locked away in a place they call home.
She sits and stares at nothing.
She speaks and says nothing.
She is nowhere yet locked within her own 2 walls.
She reflects on no one yet they say she is still alive.
Is she? or is she not? What am I to believe? What am I to feel?
The pain I now endure for her, deeply tears me apart. I have survived this past year by blocking her from my thoughts.
Yet as the time comes close for me to return these fears resurface.
How can I return from this haunting depressing world or better yet how can I desert her?
She is my mother. She brought me into this world and now I only wish to say goodbye.
My heart pangs, my body feels weakened and my hands seem to tremble.
Death, although final is all that I sadly wish for.
Sleep will bring peace and comfort.
It will remove her from a life that disappeared many years ago.
It is all so painful as I try to say my final goodbyes.
"Letter To My Mom" & My Mom My Hero are both available on Amazon worldwide. Ebook, Audio, Paperback.
https://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=lisa+hirsch
wow, this could of been written by me, except I live in the same town and saw her and helped her every day. My heart goes out to you in this next journey that you are facing, its a tough one yet after a while it can become a happy one agin,you will find a " new normal" and a smiling place for your memories, bless you and have peace dear lady.
ReplyDeleteHelen sending you some big strong hugs and wishing you a Happy Healthy Holiday season and 2020. xoxo
Deleteso sad
DeleteSo sad. She'll always be young, younger than we are today, in my mind and memory. When I first knew your mother, we were tiny preschoolers and she was younger than my kids are today.
ReplyDeleteHugs
I truly love you and I hope you know that. Sending love and hugs and a Happy Chanukah. May 2020 bring peace & harmony . xoxo
DeleteSame for me. It's devastating. No other word fits.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry ….here for you always. xoxo
DeleteGoing through the same thing too . . . it truly is the longest goodbye . . .
ReplyDeleteBeth I am so sorry that we walk in similar paths. My heart goes out to you. Sending big tight hugs, Lisa
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry it is tough I myself have a mixed dementia and I'm scared for my family as I'm not too sure they can step up to the plate with my issues.....I tame things very slow....
ReplyDeleteThinking of you and hope that you and your family have support from others. This journey is a hard one. Sending virtual hugs.
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