FEELINGS, OH SO MANY FEELINGS
"Mom, do you know your mother"? "No Lisa, I do not remember her". "Mom, who are you to me"? My mom then answered, "I am your good friend" and she gave me a kiss on the top of my head as she exited the room. My heart sank for a moment and when mom came back I responded with, "mom I love you so much". My mom then said, "I love you also" and I asked "as your daughter"? My mom then said," yes as my daughter and my friend".
This was pretty much how my visit with my mom was this trip. It was one that had me realize that my mom's Alzheimer's was progressing. I was so grateful that my husband had come with me and that we were also not staying at mom's house. I got to see my mom for six days in a row and when I left her I had my husbands love and support to help me cope with my mom's condition.
While I was in one room, my husband in another and my mom in another my husband heard my mom say "is anyone here, is anyone here"? We answered and she then said "someone please come here, I'm very lonesome".
Monday, the day before we left to go back home my mom seemed listless. She had no energy, nor did she want to do anything. Mom was not interested in anything as simple as even getting or giving hugs. As I sat at the airport the next day, waiting to return home my eyes were filled with water which could have quickly turned into tears. My heart felt quite heavy and filled with sadness as I wondered what may lie ahead.
The next day when I phoned, my mom wanted to know when I would be coming to see her. I just left and my mom had no memory of my having just been there. It's ironic, I get upset when I see her, and I get even sadder when I cannot see her.
I wonder why after every trip visiting my mom I feel like I'm getting sick. I return feeling trapped and perhaps helpless. Helpless, yes that's an interesting word. Helpless in the sense that there is nothing that I can possibly do to help my mom. Her whole life and existence has disappeared like it never existed. The thought that this disease can do this to anyone just boggles my mind and since it is my mom it also breaks my heart in two. I just want to hold her and be able to protect her, a feeling that I have for my own child. Our roles have reversed, although I still get glimpes of my "real" mom. There are parts of her that still shine once in a while. Either way the pang remains in my heart and soul for my mom.
On Thursday my spirits finally lifted after I spoke to my mom. My mom was having a really great day. She was alert, sharp and sounding happy. It's amazing how much lighter I became. I told my mom that she was my favorite mom and we both giggled as my mom then said to me "you're lucky because I'm your only mom". It was only three days ago that my mom thought she was my friend and not my mom. I told my mom that she sounded so happy and she responded with that she is always happy.
I know that this may not last, yet I loved our conversation. I feel happy, excited and rejoice in the happiness that she was able to express today. It's amazing what a difference a day can make.
Hills and valleys. Thanks for continuing to write and share, Lisa. It's a journey you and your mother are on. Many others are on the same journey relate to what you share. Merry Christmas!
ReplyDelete~Mary, Community Relations Director for http://abrandnewday-redding.com - Memory Care
I really enjoy your blog. I hope you will find solace in keeping this journal. I appreciate reading about how much you love her!
ReplyDeleteI stumbled upon your blog from Caringbridge on Facebook... As a med aide/ caregiver in a Memory care unit, I have the honor to take care of some wonderful people who become like family to me...and although we "see" what families are dealing with, we never truly "see" it. The words you write really touched my core.. to get a glimpse of your feelings and struggles and happy times with your momma is a blessing. Bless you and your mom!
ReplyDelete~Chrissy
I also can relate to your posting. My mother cannot communicate any more, but I feel that visiting is so important at any stage of dementia. And even though she does not recognize me anymore, I know holding her hand and being there makes a difference. I grab what I can and make this a "good day" experience no matter how little a ray of sunshine beams down into the grey clouds of this disease. I wish you and your Mom many more good days. Dementia is so hard. ::hugs::
ReplyDeleteLisa, her whole life and existence will never "disappear" because she has a daughter like you who will always remember and cherish the "real" mom. Sometimes I have to struggle to remember my "real" dad, and not the man who merely existed before his passing. But then, I look at great pictures of him, like the ones that you've posted here of your sweet mom, and the good memories come flooding back. . .best wishes to you and your family. Keep on keeping on. . .and yes, each day really does make a difference.
ReplyDeleteThank you everyone for all your kind words and feelings. Happy Healthy New Year to everyone.
ReplyDeleteLisa/MommyHero.
Lisa, I can completely understand all of the different feelings that one goes through while on this journey with our loved ones. My mom is in the very late stages, is now having issues swallowing her food and cannot communicate what she needs or wants, so I am her voice. This is a very horrible process to have to watch someone you love go through! But, even at this stage, I watch mama have really good days where I know she is aware that I am there. Then there are the days where she just stares off into space and I practically have to get in her face to look at her. I lost my daddy just 4 short years ago to stage 4 colon cancer, and am not ready for my mama to go be with him. Mama and I have always had a close relationship, but this has bonded us even that much closer, if that was even possible. I'm sorry if my comment has upset anyone in anyway, I am just needing to reach out to as many people as I can. Hug your Mom and tell her you love her as much as you possibly can. And make as many memories from this journey as possible. My profile picture is me laying on my mama's shoulder. She is in her chair that they sit her in. I hope you had a Merry Christmas and will have a Happy New Year!!!
ReplyDeleteBecky Ann, I just want to thank you so much for sharing and send to you and your mom a big hug. You are in my heart and prayers.May peace be with you in the New Year.
ReplyDeleteLisa/Mommyhero
MY MOTHER ALSO HAS ALZHEIMER'S I UNDERSTAND YOUR PAIN. IT'S ALL IN GOD'S HANDS.
ReplyDelete