IS THIS A DREAM OR A NIGHTMARE ?
On Saturday around 10:30 in the morning I received a phone call from Elaine my mom’s caregiver. Elaine phoned to tell me that since she could not reach my brother she would like permission to take my mother with Trudy, her daughter and her grandson to the beach.
My answer was that I thought it was a lovely idea, and shared with Elaine how my mom use to love to go to the beach. I also explained to Elaine that I thought it would be quite difficult for my mom to actually walk on the beach and be in the hot sun. I reminded her that because of mom’s macular degeneration the bright sun and the reflection of the water would blind her vision. I was just happy that my mom would be getting out and had total trust in Elaine and Trudy.
That was the last time in two days that I had any contact with my mom or her caregivers. I speak to my mom everyday and after not being able to reach anyone, no matter what time I tried or whose number I called, by early evening on Sunday, I started to feel concerned and frightened.
On Sunday I was with my son during the day, so I was a little preoccupied. I actually had forgotten that I was unable to reach my mom. I now wondered that if my mom was in a hospital my brother or Elaine would have surely contacted me. Could all the phone circuits be out of order in Florida? I knew that was highly unlikely. Finally that evening my brother called me back around 9PM and reassured me that he had spoken to my mom around 12:30 that day. He agreed with me that I had a reason to be upset for neither Elaine or Trudy answered their cell phones or called me back after leaving several voice mails. They split the twelve hour shift of taking care of my mom, so where were they? My mom’s phone just rang and rang, and all I was left with was total silence.
I tried again between 8PM and 8:30PM when my mom is ready for bed. Still at this time her telephone just continuously rang. Where could she be? I felt so helpless and there was absolutely nothing I could do.
As I went to bed I had a thought of what it might feel like when I can no longer speak to my mom. There was a feeling of a hole and an empty space in my life. When I finally fell asleep that night I had a dream about by mom. It was a lovely dream. My mom was by a beach or a nursing facility, and she seemed to have come back to life. She was changing her clothes and having conversations with other people, not exactly as my mom use to be, yet she seemed free of Alzheimer’s. My mom appeared to be whole. The dream was so surreal. Yet when I awoke the feelings of heaviness were still with me.
Was it the fears of knowing that one day even if my mom is still alive I may not be able to speak to her? That I may not hear the sound of her voice? Or was it a deeper fear, that one day my mom will be gone. I have so many feelings, although on most days I seem to be able to stay in the moment. For the moment is truly all that I have.
Was I upset because I could not speak to my mom or was I upset for the unknown? Did I awake to a dream or was it a nightmare, disguised in its own reality? As I speak to other adult children whose parents have Alzheimer’s this seems to be a similar fear. We sit, we wait, we watch as our parents slowly disappear from this world.
FACT – Every 68 seconds someone in the United States is diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease. Currently there is no prevention and no cure.
I can't have a conversation with my mom anymore so I have to see her in person. When I can't visit for a few days in a row I get nervous - even though I know the nursing home staff would call me if anything was wrong. I'm being a worried mom to my mother!
ReplyDeleteIt's a long goodbye and we know what's down the road for us. It's not easy, it's scary knowing that our moms will forget us. We aren't there yet with our mom, and it makes me sad to know that that's going to happen eventually. I cling to everything she says and take notes because it makes me feel more connected to her. Good post, Lisa.
ReplyDelete~Lizzie
I think that my stepfather has hit bottom with his Alzheimers dilemma. I think he has lost some hearing at almost 94. He is going to see a doctor this week to check on his mental facilities.This is wearing my mother out. She is 91 with Macular Degeneration. She has 3 care takers waiting on them both. At lest Al is taken each morning to an Adult care center for a few hours. Lisa it is always good to hear from you since your mother is alert and going through some of these problems. Take care.
ReplyDeleteI miss having a conversation with my sweet husband. I hate Alzheimer's! I hope you have a lot more time to have talks with your mom.
ReplyDeleteI can still speak with my mother but it's not the same as it used to be before her dementia. Usually speaking with my mother is not a pleasent experience either. She is usually angry that she is so confused and angry with my father. I miss my 'real' mom.
ReplyDeleteI am so deeply touched by all of your comments....If at all possible try to remember if they have excepted Jesus into their heart, they one day will be that whole Mom or husband once again...this time no more tears, no more fear, no more Alzheimer's! Hoepfully you are saved as well, then you can just Thank God for giving you a "light at the end of the tunnel" One day....it will be ok... all of this pain will be gone and you will have love, laughter, and joy...Hang in there....
ReplyDeleteI tell myself this also, for myslef and my family...I have diagnoised with FTD a form of dementia...I can relate to your loved ones...They are very blessed to have you ...to love them through this,....one day it will be truly "alright"
It has been 7 years since Mom went to be with the LORD. Knowing she is with Jesus gives me strength for the day. I will meet with her again as a whole person, healed from every disease. I remember a song, There will be peace in the valley for me someday. I know I will be with her forever and nothing will be between us again. She became a friend to me in her later years. What a blessing and what a peace in knowing where she is now.
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