Mom and I did not always have such a loving relationship. I'm not exactly sure how, where or when things had changed. Yet when I think back to my childhood, my teenage years and after I became a mother myself, I can remember some wonderful times we were able to share together. I can also remember the flip side of how our personalities clashed and some of our battles.
My husband believes that my mother's Alzheimer's probably started back then, when the fights got extremely intense. For me I was so involved in "being right" that I could not step away long enough to realize what was transpiring. That was then and this is now.
Ruthie has become my hero, and her spirit lights up my life almost everyday. Of course there are some days when her Alzheimer's takes over, and it can be difficult to have a conversation with her. Yet on most days I am still able to admire and respect her "joie de vie" about life.
The last several weeks my mother has continuously brought up how important it is that we have our health. She makes sure to add in that this is all that matters. Although she is correct, I also had this burning desire to share with her that something else was more important to me. I explained to her that it was about all the love that I felt for her.
She questioned me on how much do I love her. "Mom, I love you more than anything else in this world." She then so tenderly spoke these words, "that's lovely because I feel the same way about you."
At that moment my heart melted, and I could feel with all my body and soul how much love I had for her. Without mom getting sick I wonder if our relationship, that was once bittersweet would have ever blossomed. Would I have been able to discover this feeling of deep love and affection towards her ?
I wish that I could make her free of Alzheimer's ,yet I cannot. I cherish that I was given a second chance to love her so completely. My emotions for her are filled with a never ending love and affection .
It's funny how life can change, how what might look like a tragedy could also in a strange way be an opportunity. At one time I would have wanted someone else's mom to be my mother ,and today I would never trade her, for any other mother in the world. It feels magical to me, for I now can embrace every second that I am able to celebrate life with her.
Lisa...you are blessed to have a bit of a second chance with your mom. I remember as a teen I wanted to have any other mom but my own. I laugh now at thinking that I could have done that. So touching your words to her and her response. Hold those special times close to your heart.
ReplyDeleteHi Ellen, thanks for reaching out to me. After 50+ years being on this planet and reading what you wrote me, I really understood that I was not the only one to wish for a different mom. Within the (almost) 2 yrs of my blog I have gotten many emails from daughter's expressing this, yet today it hit me in a totally different way. Hugs to you, Lisa
DeleteHi Lisa,
ReplyDeleteIt's been awhile since I've commented on your blog, but I do visit it frequently and your words continue to both challenge and comfort me. Your writing today reminds me of how my sister's relationship with our Mom is providing them both with new opportunities for understanding and forgiveness... and perhaps even "closure", a word I struggle with at times.
My own relationship with my Mom was/is different than that of my sister's. Mom and I were so close and thus, my journey with my Mom's dementia is forever challenging me. I find myself referring to my Mom as "My old Mom" and "My new Mom". My new Mom is very sweet and I have much to learn from her, but oh how I grieve for my old Mom. That Mom was my very best friend. To see that my sister is now able to reconnect with our Mom is a wonderful gift for them both, but I have to admit that I feel myself pulling away and fighting so hard to accept "my new Mom", the one who needs Dad to remind her of my name, the one who doesn't remember our past. I know that the biggest hurdle I have is to put away the labels and to simply be there for MOM--of the past, present, and future.
Thank you for continuing to be a source of light for me as I work my way through this journey. --Anne
Hi Anne, I am so sorry that you did not leave me your email address so I could answer back personally.After reading your words to me about your sentiments about your mom,it just gave me chills and all I wanted to do was to reach out and hug you.I truly understand when you say "your new mom" and "your old mom", except that as much as who she now is pains you; I believe your mom knows who you are in her heart and just cannot express it. She feels your love,your touch, your voice, your warmth. To her there will never be another you.Anne as difficult and painful as this is, please cherish what you still have left.xoxo Lisa
DeleteThank you, Lisa. Like you, I find writing helps a great deal. I have my own blog www.viewsfromthedock.blogspot.com and I turned to that right after I wrote the above note. If you have a chance to see the 2-12-13 post, you'll see I'm doing my best to cherish the love that will always remain. --Anne
ReplyDeleteAnne, I'm happy that you were able to make the "right"turn and cherish the love that does remain. xoxo Lisa
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