Friday, July 26, 2013

WHO ARE WE ?



WHO ARE WE ?

I wonder to mom who I might be this week. A mother, daughter, friend or relative? Lucky me that mom is still able to distinguish between sexes. Know need to worry that she might think I'm her son or even grandson.

In her world she can no longer explain how she sees or understands things. I sit, I listen and try to search some clues as she sometimes shares her passing thoughts. It amazes me how most of her life could just disappear as if in some ways it never existed.

Each day she wants to know when I will be coming to visit. She has been wanting to know this everyday for the last two weeks. So much so, that I have been wondering if she realizes that I have not seen her in several months. On the opposite side of the coin, I know that if I had just visited she would not remember that either. Yet I must admit that feelings of guilt have embraced me for several moments each time she mentions this.

Foolishly, I approach the topic with mom to see if she remembers what I look like and to have a little fun. "Of course I remember what you look like,"she responds. "You are beautiful." "Thanks mom except you are even prettier." Ruthie says,"I am?" "Yes mom you are very pretty." With some surprise in her voice she thanks me. For in my eyes my mother was and always will be quite beautiful .

Last night I found a picture of her holding my son when he was only a few weeks old. She looked so young, and vibrant as she cuddled him.  As I looked at the picture I flashed back to her life twenty five years ago.  Maybe not totally perfect, yet a life filled with love, family and friends. Today mom does not know that she has a grandson. A grandson who she so adored.

Unfortunately since she has macular degeneration for many years she has not been able to recognize her family in pictures. I believe that if she was able to see photos of us it could have helped her retain memories of each one of us.

As each day goes by I wait for her to throw me my kisses. Sometimes I receive them just as I requested . Then there are the times when she just hands the phone back to her caregiver, only to be reminded that her daughter is waiting for her kisses. Other days she wonders how can she kiss me through the phone and tells me that if I want her kisses I should come over and collect them.

Either way there never is a day that I hang up without receiving her delicious kisses. Kisses that mean the world to me. Kisses that I never take for granted. Kisses that I slip into my pocket to hold close to my heart . Mom's kisses bring such warmth and mean the world to me.

On good days mom knows who I am and on some off days she wonders who I am. As long as I can hear the sounds of her sweet voice it does not matter who to her I might be . I can only wish and pray that she may always have some memories of who we all are. For now I hold onto our brighter days never knowing when these may come to an end.


My Mom My Hero Book is for the special people we love in our lives.
 
#1 on Amazon Best Seller's in Memoirs (June 2013) fr/e books
Available on Amazon & Kindle worldwide.



12 comments:

  1. I do enjoy reading your blog but at times my heart just breaks!
    But how the love shows, it is beautiful!

    You have a beautiful family, that is a wonderful picture.
    x

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    1. I greatly appreciate your comment and just want you to know that my mom puts many smiles on my face. I just share what is in my heart which may at moments sound sad yet she still brings me joy.

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    2. Glad 2b able 2 share your story and your mums u inspire me xxx

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    3. So so sweet of you. I'm certain that you would also inspire me with your stories.

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  2. It's amazing how our loved ones are frozen in time, it does not exist. Some how we must find it in ourselves that it is okay for us to stay with them in that time period, where they knew us the best, a time period where we were a their child and always will be that to them. I don't know if that makes sense Lisa. Keep writing Lisa I would like to read your next book, take care of your self Lisa Your friend Bakhus

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    1. Bakhus, I love hearing from you and what you have to say. And yes I'm so proud to call you my friend.

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  3. just finished your book and now I see the characters all together in a nice picture. I really loved your book and to give back a little to you - I took the time to write a review of it on Amazon - I hope it helps others buy your book because anyone with a loved one with Alz must read it.
    michaeln

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    1. Hi Michael, Loved your review . Thank you so very much.I am so touched by all the people that I have been able to touch.Lisa

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  4. hello Lisa. I have to admit this entry made me do some serious thinking.... my mom and dad visit every summer from Florida and they are up her right now. I'm loving the fact that they are here because right now I'm feeling so much of a child that needs her parents and they are proving that no matter what I'm their little girl. that is except for my youngest daughter who we all know is grampie' s best girl..... but all my girls know this.... she is the only grand child that from the age of 2-3 started calling grampie when she was scared at night because of a bad dream.... he would be on the phone with her while she walked around her room going to all the places grampie told her to check..... as she got older she'd just call to quiz grampie on math problems she was learning.... now at 14. she is still close to grampie and they are doing day trips and talking about life and as my father gets older my daughter shoots straight from the hip and tells grampie..... YOU NEED to take care of your self.... my father thinks this is funny but it gives me the opportunity to open conversations for me that are scary.... like not having them around, how I want too protect them, like they did me, we all just found out that my oldest daughter is pregnant and whatis suppose to be a happy time has turned stressful. my daughter is 28.. living with my ex... had no job... father of baby....I have no kind wwords for.. and I have cried to my mom that I'm scared....
    this brings me to thinking of you after I read this.... on the times that you await your kisses and wonder who your going to be each day....I love the way you take it to the positive. my mom is helping me see the positive and last night we talked about her grandmother and the Alzheimer's disease and that I was scared of anything like that happen to her.. I was so relieved to hear her say let's go thru pictures and I'd anything happens.. we have something for you to show me happy times... I hope by sharing this experience I'm having with my mom will get others to start things like this with their loved ones..... all my((((( huuuuggggsssss))) Sandi

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    1. Hi Sandi, your words and your feelings deeply touched me. I love that you have such a deep love and connection with and for your family. I'm sure that your message will mean so much to others as it has to me.I hope that you too will find this message since I had no email address to write to you back personally.Sending some big strong hugs to you, your mom, dad,your children and your soon be born grandchild. Lisa

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    2. Lisa... you can save my e- mail... it is. sandra.bonneau@yahoo.com. any time you want you can e- mail me.. I also only live in ct fyi if you need I can be a call away

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