A DEEP & PURE LOVE
Many moons ago my mom's world was sunny and bright. It was filled with excitement, love and joy. She had no idea that one day her entire life would vanish, as if it never existed. Truth be told, neither did I, for I had never heard of Alzheimer's.
Even into her later years mom yearned to continue learning. Her passion for knowledge was important to her. She loved to read and through reading, and taking college courses, she continued to stimulate herself.
Today because of this dreadful disease almost everything she learned has disappeared. She has been robbed, even more, by having the memory of her entire life swept away as if it never existed.
My brother just returned to Florida after visiting me in New York. As he was here I continued to place my daily calls to the nursing home. With each call I reminded the nurses that my mother would not be having any family visitors for the next two weeks. I was aware of her being all alone that somehow I was trying to protect her. Yet in her world I'm sure she did not even realize this.
This realization had me wondering about all the other people who live in a nursing home (especially those with Alzheimer's) and have no family or friends to visit them. Perhaps they are "locked away" without any key to free them from this awful world they now live in. It is a world entwined and disguised as one.
Although the facility that my mom now lives in has no fancy hallways, activity rooms or bedrooms, the nurses and aides all seem happy. When I think of the kindness and care that my mother is receiving I feel some sense of security and know this is what is most important.
My heart could easily break in two, if I allowed myself to think how my mom just wanders the hallways alone each day. She seems to be mesmerized, lost in her world not knowing where to go and what to do.
I realize I am fortunate that my mom is still alive. The love I feel for her is deep and pure, a bond that can never be broken. Each day I lose my mother a little more, yet each day I also get to love her some more.
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It seems sad there isn't an activity room. No artwork on the walls, or crayons/colored pencils to draw/color or sketch with?
ReplyDeleteI still think your mom knows you - somewhere in the deepness of her heart. She will always love you, and your brother. Dacia
Hi Dacia, My mom has macular degeneration so she would not be able to see to particiapte. The home is fabulous. They do puzzles, music, etc, in the cafeteria.They do have 2 TV movie rooms. It is clean and hardly do I smell any urine. Truth be told the nursing home is old and in that way could be depressing, yet the staff shines brightly which is ALL that matters. Lisa
DeleteYou are right, Lisa. The love and caring nature of the staff is the best! It sounds like your mom is truly loved by them all. By looking at her pictures, how could anyone not love that sweet face?
DeleteI didn't want my question to sound negative, but it kind of came across that way - I'm sorry! Happy Mother's Day to you!
Dacia, I didn't think that you sounded negative at all, and really appreciated hearing for you. Same to you Happy MD. xoxo Lisa
DeleteHi Lisa
ReplyDeleteI am so happy to find your blog and I only wish I had found it years ago. My mother suffered from this terrible disease for 7 years and for that time I was able to take care of her at home with the help of caregivers for the time I was at work but other then that it was just me. Mom passed away 2 and half months ago and even though I know she is much happier now I miss her so much. The last 7 months she was in the hospital because Alzheimers had taken the use of her legs away and I could not do it at home anymore. The biggest transformation is going from caregiver to having time on your hands and not knowing what to do with it. While reading your entries I had tears in my eyes knowing what you are going through but cherish each moment with her. Thanks for your blog
I am sorry for the loss of your mom and through your words I feel all the love you have for her and how much you do miss her. I belong to an Alz Assoc support group in NYC . If you can reach out to some Alz group they can be very supportive and offer in most of them a grieving group. Just call the hotline and they can lead you in the direction. What you have shared with me I have heard in my group: filling the time. It's a time for you to start "enjoying" your life again. You know that is what your mom would wish for you. I'd love to hear from you again. Hugs, Lisa
DeleteI have gone to a grief recovery group and that did help. The one thing is that I do not know who me is anymore and that is the hardest thing to admit. I will get a hold of the group here in NB, Canada. The one thing that I encourage everyone is don't get caregiver burnout because it creeps up on you before you know it. Your friends see it but you tend to ignore the signs. Enjoy your time with your Mom because deep down she knows. I was worried because I could not see the spark in her eyes anymore and my dear friend who worked on the floor that she was on said to me one day "you don't realize this but you are the spark in your Mother's eyes. She is calm only when you are here and she smiles only for you." This is something I will cherish for the rest of my life. Remember be your Mom's spark and things will be easier. Thanks for listening
DeleteI absolutely fell in love with what the aide/nurse said "you don't realize this but you are the spark in your Mother's eyes. She is calm only when you are here and she smiles only for you." It just melted my heart. I love what you just shared. Thank you so very much. Lisa
DeleteI pray your strength to endure and enjoy your mother while she is still here.
ReplyDeletegwwministry, I greatly appreciate your wishes for mom & me.
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