OUR JOURNEY CONTINUES (Day 4)
I've been back in New York now for four weeks. While visiting mom I was sure to have paper and pen with me so I would be able to write down what I was feeling. There were days when I wrote nothing and days when my thoughts and emotions just overflowed as I scribbled away.
Today is the first day that I pulled out my notes, and for the next month or two, I will be documenting in sequence what I was feeling.
Day 4: I awoke today feeling good about mom yet when I reached the nursing home I started to feel a little queasy. After entering the facility and signing in, my husband and I took the elevator to the second floor.
It took a while to find mom, as usual, she was roaming the halls in her Merry Walker. Mom was clearly not having a great day. She appeared to be tired and most of what she had to say was about going home.
I heard mom "crying out" as if she hoped that we could help her. "Take me home my mother is waiting for me,"she pleaded . I need to go home and take care of my children." This was something that mom spoke about on many days.
Since this was in the beginning of our visits it really did upset me. I quickly learned to make the best of it and play along with her. On other visits when she mentioned that her mom was looking for her and I would say "Mom I spoke to your mom and she is okay." Mom would then look at me and with surprise in her voice, "you spoke to my mom?" "Yes mom, I did."
I realized now why my mom never stops roaming the halls. She has made comments that she is almost home, and with each corner that she turns she seems to think that she'll find it. Her eyes wander into the different rooms as she keeps searching.
At these moments, when she is looking for her children, her memory takes her back to when my brother and I were infants. She cannot visualize us as grownups. When I share with her that I am her daughter she looks confused while at other times her face lights up and quickly tells me that she loves me.
I try not to focus on the sadness of this disease Most of the time I am able to stay in the moment and remain grateful that mom can still walk and talk. So for now I choose to be thankful for each day that we can still share together.
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My mom recently died. She used to hold onto the bar and pull herself in her wheelchair. It made me so sad to watch her struggle to escape her hell. I miss her so. But I wouldn't want her here to keep suffering.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry about your mom and I also feel the same way as you just expressed. Sometimes I wish......
Deletei am so sorry for your loss it is hard to deal with at times i am caregiver for my mom who has frontal lobe dementia i am thankful for being able to care for hr but it is so frustrating and hard to deal with at times but for the most part she is fine and happy, however i notice she is not the same as she was when i was a young girl i am now 51 she is 70 and has had at least 2 pretty serious strokes
ReplyDeleteHi Lisa
ReplyDeleteI understand the way that you feel when seeing your Mom like that, it is so hard. I read a post today that I know you wold like and it is from the Alzheimer's inspirational post called 12 things Alzheimer's teaches us. I hope you get the same comfort from it as I did. There is nothing harder to watch then someone who is lost in there mind and we watching want to help them so and can't. Looking forward to reading how the rest of your visit went. How is your Mom doing since you came home?
Hugs Carol
Hi Carol,
DeleteThanks for the info and even more for asking about my mom. The nurses everyday tell me she's doing good. My brother called on Sunday when he was with her. She told me she loved me. That's all I need to hear. Have a lovely day. Hugs, Lisa