A PANG IN MY HEART
After a lengthy visit with my mom I still feel a deep pang in my heart that will not easily go away. Not only do I miss her I also find myself thinking about her more often each day. Some of this might be attributed to finding out that someone else dear to my heart (at the age of seventy) also suffers from this disease.
His name is Rabbi Catano and he now lives in a nursing home close to where we live. This past weekend my husband and I went to visit him, which of course, brought up many thoughts and feelings about my own mother. I sometimes feel angry at this disease for it sweeps in without warning and erases peoples' lives as if they never existed.
During my past visit with mom she spent most of her days speaking of or searching for her own mother. I noticed how our dear friend also repeated over and over about his grandmother and bringing her the newspaper. If I can find any "comfort" with Alzheimer's it would be that I believe that my mom and Rabbi Catano are not in any pain nor suffering.
I am left wondering that no matter how old you are, do you ever stop missing your parents? Could your feelings be wrapped up into your own mortality? My dad passed away twenty years ago and mom is still alive, although there certainly is a large part of her that is no longer here. Do I now in some ways consider myself an orphan?
Isn't a parent supposed to worry about you, think about you and want to take care of you no matter how old you are? What happened to my beliefs of what a parent should be like? Are they now all disguised due to an illness?
One thing that is left and comforts me is the thought that my mother, whether she expresses it or not, would only want wonderful things for me.Whether they are alive or not, or unable to fully express it, I must always remember how much love my dad and my mom had for me. In that way I was blessed my whole life to have parents who really did love me.
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What's most frightening is that it can hit even the relatively young, who have not yet completed their jobs in this world.
ReplyDeleteYes there are so many more cases of Early Onset. It is truly scary.
DeleteHi Lisa
ReplyDeleteI to have a friends Mom that was diagnosed this week and that has brought so many memories and experiences up to the surface again. You wondered if you ever stop missing your parents and the answer so far from me is no. You are always looking for the love that only a parent can give you and yes even though you have siblings you do tend to feel like an orphan. This feeling comes sooner when you have a parent with AD because this disease makes you grieve before they are even gone. The one thing that has got me through this journey is the fact that every once in a while with Mom before she died but was in the very advanced stages of the disease she would say something or make a gesture towards me that only her and I knew that let me know she was still there and only a parents love for there child was powerful enough to bring that out. So know whenever your Mom does something or sings your song or finishes off that little piece of poetry that you talked about that is her and your father's love coming out, whether he is helping her (and that is what I believe , my Dad was watching over and helping Mom at times) show you the love they have for you. We are never alone we have them taking care of us forever just from a different place for the time being until we are all together again. A big Hug Carol
Carol I feel like I know you for a very long time. xoxo Lisa
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