IS THIS LIFE?
Alzheimer's is a fascinating disease when compared to other illnesses it storms in, attacks all of one's brain cells, eventually leaving nothing in its path. It deeply saddens me as I question how this is possible?
Even more frustrating is that my mom cannot describe to me what is happening to her. I can only guess what she may be thinking or feeling. Why, with most of her memory gone, does she still search all over for her parents? What makes her reverse back to her childhood even as she becomes more childlike?
On Mother's Day which just passed, I shared with her by phone (I'm a long distance caregiver) how much I loved her and how special she was to me. She repeated the word "special" and then rambled on mixing up words so I had no clue what she was trying to say. I guess she understood what I said for one flashing moment as she quickly moved back into her own world. A world in which she now lives all alone.
I often feel like a pendulum myself swinging back and forth with my mixed up feelings concerning her. There are times when she can make me smile and other times when I wonder what her life is all about. My heartache is in thinking of her nonexistence.
I have been complemented on what a wonderful daughter I am and wish that I could truly own this. It took my mom getting dementia (ten years ago) for me to love her the way I do. Before she became ill, of course I loved her, for she was my mother, yet my love and feelings for her were so different.
I regret that I was not aware of how much love for her existed inside me. I do know now how fortunate I was to be given a second chance to love her unconditionally. For this I am surely grateful.
Since mom does not know the difference of the world she now lives in, I as her daughter, am the one who is left to feel the pain. How I wish I could rescue her from this world of no return. The destructive world of Alzheimer's.
MY MOM MY HERO book is dedicated to my mother and yours.
Available on Amazon & Kindle & Audio.
http://www.amazon.com/Mom-Hero-Alzheimers-A-daughters-bittersweet/dp/0615773982/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1389797650&sr=8-1&keywords=lisa+hirsch
Thank you for your blog. I feel you speak for all of us.
ReplyDeleteDear Caroline, I just want to give you a huge hug. You brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for sharing this with me. Hugs, Lisa
ReplyDeleteNow, as painful as this is, imagine if it were your spouse of nearly 50 years...
ReplyDeleteI can imagine and my heart goes out to you. Maybe one day it could be me or my husband. My mom and her brother so my chances are not so great! I advocate for all of us and even more the younger generation.
DeleteThank you for sharing.
Hi Lisa
ReplyDeleteI am amazed each time I read your blog on how you can express what we are all feeling. With how cruel this disease is the one blessing that it does have is that it shows us how to love unconditionally. The last six months of my Mom's journey she did not even recognize her own reflection in a mirror but this made me only love her more and want to protect her with all my soul. until we can find a cure maybe that is the lesson that we learn from this horrible illness is love. I know that it makes me now look at other situations differently and feel a deeper love for my family and friends because like you it could be me someday that is the one sick. I loved my Mom with all my heart and still do and I truly think it made her journey a little easier because whether she knew me or not I do believe she could feel that someone loved her dearly. Hugs Carol
Carol, after reading how you just expressed yourself and the unconditional love you had for your mother it brought tears to my eyes. The sentiments and feelings that you have just shared says it all. xoxo Lisa
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