ALZHEIMER'S-IS THIS THE LONG GOODBYE?
My best friend's mother just passed away after suffering from Alzheimer's for the last several years. As she sat by her mom's bed for the last week watching her fade away, I could not help but wonder what it will be like for my mom when her time arrives. As I received the news, uncontrollable tears began to run down my face. I knew a great deal of the sorrow that I was feeling was connected to my own personal grief.
At the Alzheimer's support group I have been attending for the last four years, my group leader has been telling me that I was in a grieving process. The first time she said this to me, I responded that I was not, because my mom was not dying. Now I understand all too much.
It's funny because just the other day one of mom's nurses reassured me, with delight in her voice, that my mom was doing great. She shared with me how blessed my mom was and that she'll be around for quite a while. After hanging up the phone my thoughts and feelings ran rampant.
Yes, I understand that I am lucky to still have my mom, yet I also know how much more Alzheimer's can rob from her. Just thinking of how much worse she could become, as her disease progresses, leaves me feeling nauseous and sick to my stomach.
I must confess, that at moments throughout the years, knowing that there is no cure, I have wished that my mom could just close her eyes and go to sleep. I know that if she understood or could see what was happening to her, she would also wish for the same.
Today, I am in mourning for my best friend's mom and maybe also grieving for mine. For now I know that I must express what I am feeling to free myself from these haunting thoughts. Maybe for my mother and our family this will be a long goodbye. Whatever it is I need to get back into the space of being grateful.
I have been in Florida this month with my husband to hopefully spend some quality time with mom. If I can see her smile, hold her hand and hear her say she loves me, I will be able to come from a place of feeling thankful.
Mom has not only inspired me for the last 13 years, she has also become my hero, and for that I consider myself one lucky lady!