LIPSTICK- MY DREAM

LIPSTICK – MY DREAM

As a young child I cannot remember ever playing with my mom’s lipstick. Mom was so naturally pretty to me that I do not think she applied much makeup. One thing I remember quite vividly is how she always refreshed her lips. Even after having Alzheimer's for several years, it was always important for her to reapply her lipstick especially after eating.

This morning I awoke from a dream in which I shared a wonderful touching moment with my mother. As I laid awake and noticed that I could not recall every detail I recognized that the essence of my dream was surreal. How I craved to get back into my dream, yet it was not possible.

Dream:

 I awaited the arrival of my husband to take me to the airport. I was running late and if he did not arrive shortly I stood a chance of missing my flight. I had no idea where I was heading to, yet I wanted to board the plane.

I realized that this was my last day of being with mom and as she stood in a bathroom looking into the mirror I saw all her makeup set up as it had once appeared in her home. I peeked through the door as mom was reaching towards her lipsticks.

Even in my dream I was aware that mom still had Alzheimer's. I felt so good that mom was able to do this which left me feeling reassured that she was having a good day. I smiled, as I watched over her.

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This was a comforting dream, to see mom somewhat whole for Alzheimer's has robbed so much from her. It has taken almost everything away leaving only a blank canvas. A life that was once filled with dreams, family and friends, has all but vanished.

The simple task of reaching for her lipstick and putting it to her lips would have been a major accomplishment, which makes me realize, in an even more profound way, how devastating this disease is.

In some ways my dream signified to me how the act of putting on lipstick could prove to me that mom was still alive. Something as simple as this never would have crossed my mind, and certainly one, that I would have years ago taken for granted. 

Feeling uplifted I rushed to the phone to call the nursing home, only to hear, that mom was having a “good day".

As her daughter and caregiver I am extremely effected. As for mom, she remains in her “dreamlike” state never wondering why things are the way they are.




MY MOM MY HERO - A mother & daughters new found love. http://www.amazon.com/Mom-Hero-Alzheimers--daughters-bittersweet/dp/0615773982/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1454248406&sr=8-1&keywords=lisa+hirsch

A LAND OF NO EXISTENCE

                                                      (This picture taken January 2017)

 A LAND OF NO EXISTENCE

In a few months I will be arriving in Florida to see my mother. I did this for the last three years, allowing me to spend an entire month with her. I usually feel a combination of excitement and nervousness yet this year, I am scared.

My brother recently sent me a video which upset me. Mom seemed far more advanced, almost as if she did not exist. She said a few words, was unresponsive not having much expression. I am hoping that with my daily visits she will somehow reappear.

This past Friday night as I was thinking I knew all too well that she had no idea of the day, time or year. She is unaware that I will soon be coming to see her. She has little idea or any that I even exist. The world that is so present in my universe does not exist in hers.

It feels as if Alzheimer's has taken over. It has conquered and left mom with little awareness of any life on this planet. She is locked away in a land of make believe, a land of no existence. I am grateful that she appears not to be suffering.

This journey that we are now on is getting much more difficult. I am filled with guilt and sadness,  at moments wanting her to go to sleep. How could I wish for this with my own mother? Am I cruel, or am I humane?

While she is still alive she rarely ever smiles. When someone with Alzheimer's does not smile, and shows little emotion, it appears that they are nearing the end. In mom's case, I have to believe, given her constitution, the end is not so near.

I miss her deeply and being able to touch her face and hold her hand should be enough, yet it still sharply pains me. How I yearn to share my life with her and wish that she could really understand when I whisper the words " I love you".

Alzheimer's is a cruel disease that wipes away ones dignity and life as it enters and attacks their brain cells. Some people succumb rather quickly while my mother has Alzheimer's for fourteen years and still counting.

At this moment many scientists are searching for a prevention or cure and are hoping that within 15- 20 years it will come. That is a long time away but for future generations it would be a blessing.



 MY MOM MY HERO - A mother & daughters new found love. http://www.amazon.com/Mom-Hero-Alzheimers--daughters-bittersweet/dp/0615773982/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1454248406&sr=8-1&keywords=lisa+hirsch