(This picture taken January 2017)
A LAND OF NO EXISTENCE
In a few months I will be arriving in Florida to see my mother. I did this for the last three years, allowing me to spend an entire month with her. I usually feel a combination of excitement and nervousness yet this year, I am scared.
My brother recently sent me a video which upset me. Mom seemed far more advanced, almost as if she did not exist. She said a few words, was unresponsive not having much expression. I am hoping that with my daily visits she will somehow reappear.
This past Friday night as I was thinking I knew all too well that she had no idea of the day, time or year. She is unaware that I will soon be coming to see her. She has little idea or any that I even exist. The world that is so present in my universe does not exist in hers.
It feels as if Alzheimer's has taken over. It has conquered and left mom with little awareness of any life on this planet. She is locked away in a land of make believe, a land of no existence. I am grateful that she appears not to be suffering.
This journey that we are now on is getting much more difficult. I am filled with guilt and sadness, at moments wanting her to go to sleep. How could I wish for this with my own mother? Am I cruel, or am I humane?
While she is still alive she rarely ever smiles. When someone with Alzheimer's does not smile, and shows little emotion, it appears that they are nearing the end. In mom's case, I have to believe, given her constitution, the end is not so near.
I miss her deeply and being able to touch her face and hold her hand should be enough, yet it still sharply pains me. How I yearn to share my life with her and wish that she could really understand when I whisper the words " I love you".
Alzheimer's is a cruel disease that wipes away ones dignity and life as it enters and attacks their brain cells. Some people succumb rather quickly while my mother has Alzheimer's for fourteen years and still counting.
At this moment many scientists are searching for a prevention or cure and are hoping that within 15- 20 years it will come. That is a long time away but for future generations it would be a blessing.
MY MOM MY HERO - A mother & daughters new found love. http://www.amazon.com/Mom-Hero-Alzheimers--daughters-bittersweet/dp/0615773982/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1454248406&sr=8-1&keywords=lisa+hirsch
Hugs, dear friend. If only the body and mind had the same "expiration date." This is so cruel to all.
ReplyDeleteLove your use of words. Thank you my dear friend for all your love & support. xoxo
DeleteThat is such a good way to say it...
DeleteLisa this is so hard to watch especially when it a parent much love and support from a distance
ReplyDeleteSharon yes it is different but I cannot even imagine when it is someone’s spouse. I am so happy that my dad is not around to witness this.
DeleteThis is so heart breaking. The answer is ‘humane’ to your question with dementia declaring victory. It is you and me that know how much our loved ones have lost, we see them as mere whispers of who they were and our hearts break! You are not going through this alone, we are listening to your sorrowful heart. Sending hope for a smile when she sees you soon!
ReplyDeleteRuth, knowing that we are on similar journeys unfortunately, I know how much we are aligned with our understanding. I am sorry that you are going through a similar path. Hugs, Lisa
DeleteSorry that you are going through this, sorry that anyone has to go through this...as I am going through this also. So, so sad. It is nice though, to find someone going through the same thing that I am. I feel so alone... Mom slowly stopped talking... Slowly stopped smiling... Stage 7 can be so cruel. My mother is a rather healthy person (only takes blood pressure meds and anti-seizure meds because she had one seizure a few months ago), a major stroke 4 years ago, but her brain is deteriorating at a faster rate now. She is 88 this month. It is so very hard and depressing to visit her. No reaction to my cold or warm hands anymore. She just stares straight ahead...
ReplyDeleteJules I can feel your pain. Although your mom shows no reaction to your touch I have to believe or at least want to that she does. She just can't show it .My mom at 93 is on no meds. Except for macular degeneration and AD she is the "picture of health". Jules I'm so sorry that we walk in a similar path and please know that I am here for you. Sending some strong big hugs. Lisa
DeleteAlzheimers impacts on families as well as the PWD. Treasure your memories. Stay strong.
ReplyDeleteLinda thank you very much for your comment. I greatly appreciate it,
DeleteI truly understand and empathize with what you are going through. Hoping that you will have good moments when you visit. Hugs to you.
ReplyDeleteHugs back my sweet friend.
DeleteMy experience was/is completely different than yours. I was able to connect with my mother until the end. I believed she always understood me whether it appeared she did or not. I'm sorry for the way you and many others in the comments are experiencing the short remaining time you have with the people you love and who still love you
ReplyDeleteSusan I am happy that you felt your mother understood and that you could connect. Everyone with dementia are effected differently. I have wonderful videos and memories with my mother from 1-2 years ago that I cherish and always will. What I am missing, although yes, when I say I love her I believe she hears me and when I touch her she feels my warmth,is that most of a person has disappeared. I appreciate your sharing and I am sorry that you also had to have a parent with Alzheimer's.
Deletethank you for sharing such beautifulinformation.i hope you will keep it up. alzheimer's disease and dementia are growing rapidly. Unfortunately we don't have any permanent cure for the disease but a new drug trial gives hope to the patients. For more information please visit
ReplyDeletehttp://www.alzdisease.com/