MOM MY SWEETHEART

 MOM MY SWEETHEART

I hope everyone had a holiday filled with much love. For me, I've had my ups and my downs since returning from visiting my mom in the beginning of December. Although it was a good trip, it left me with some heaviness that I was unable to shake off. I remained with a strange feeling for over a week, one that was hard to explain. This feeling finally lifted, and once again I was able to smile at the sweet things my mom had said.

Mom was surprised that my son( her only grandson) was twenty five years old. She also questioned me on the age of my"other" child. I explained to her that I had only one child who is named after her father. She seemed to like that and although it did not flash any memories for her, she reminded me in a lighthearted voice that I was lucky that I had only one child.

I wondered today how many children mom would say she gave birth to. Some days it is two and other days none. Some days she knows my name and some days she questions who I am. One day she thought my name was Elaine, which is her caregivers name, and when I explained that she gave birth to me and also named me, she was as equally surprised.

At least finding out at that moment that I was her daughter, she enthusiastically declared,"oh that's why I  love you so much." Great, mom was finally able to get it ,if only for the moment. Yet each day that I call she is surprised that I am on the telephone, and she only wants to know when I will be coming to visit. Mom always invites me to stay for as long as I want, and at the same moment she declares how she loves when she sees me.

My stories are always different about when I will be arriving. First I would say I just left you, then I'd explain that I needed to get a plane ticket, so I would be coming in 3 months, and now I announce that I will there in a few weeks. With this last answer mom is pleasantly surprised and happy that it will only be a few weeks before I arrive. There is absolutely no harm in stretching the truth to her, as long as it brings joy to her and I can hear the delight in her voice.

On Christmas Day, I mentioned that she would be joining her caregivers family for Christmas, she said ,"Lisa, you should ask if you can come along." Then my wise lady said "it does not hurt to ask, you have nothing to loose either way."

Mom then went into a dialogue about her parents, saying that they were driving her crazy. With enthusiasm, I listened to each word for mom rarely speaks about her parents, and when she has, she is always filled with much love and respect for them. I do not recall her ever describing them this way. She said that they keep wanting her to move near them. With much expression she continues to tell me that since she told them "no", they finally have left her alone. Could mom be reversing her parents and me?

Mom only wanted me to tell her that I like her, not that I love her, because some people could get the wrong idea. Like, love it's all the same mom. Yet this lady not only have I learned to love her in such a deep meaningful way, I also genuinely like her. My mom, my sweetheart lights up my life each day, even when she mixes all these things up.

I'd like to take this opportunity to wish everyone a New Year's filled with love and understanding.

TRACES & GLIMPSES

TRACES & GLIMPSES

It has been five days since I returned from visiting my mom. Each day that I have spoken to her she has no recollection that I was ever there. That was until today. Mom did not exactly say that she had remembered I was just with her, yet I could tell from what she expressed that she was aware of it. I actually have gotten quite good at understanding what she is trying to say as she mixes up her words and syllables.

While I was with her she would get glimpses of a moment of her life. Then they would quickly disolve and disappear. Today mom wanted to know when I would be coming to visit, as she invited me to come and "sit" down with my husband. I was sure that there now were traces of our reunion together.

Directly after calling me Lisa , she then spoke these words, "what is your name?"  I was sure that she knew that she was speaking to me. I answered with "what is your daughter's name?" She sweetly responded with "Lisa." I then said "my name, is Lisa." "You have the same name as my daughter." Sure do mom I thought ,as I answered," I am your daughter."

She expressed that she could not wait to see me again, and reassured me that she would always make room for me. I gracefully thanked her and shared with her that she was a wonderful hostess. I got a quick giggle from her as we kissed and said our goodbyes.

When I first returned home I was feeling a touch of sadness, even though mom while we were with her was doing considerably well. I guess it's because I know deep in my heart that it will be several long months before I return, and each visit now brings me closer to the reality of her illness.

I cherish our intimate relationship and celebrate that she still knows who I am, yet I question and wonder what her world must be like. When she awakes what may her thoughts be, if any, and is there for her a feeling of security within the walls of her home. What kind of existence does she now have? Is she happy or sad?

Yes she still has moments when words and expressions of cleverness flow from her lips. Mom still holds on to a quick sense of humor, and when she is feeling up to it, loves to be serenaded and appreciates beautiful music.

Entwined in these deeper thoughts, my mind certainly can wander.  My saving grace for me, are my writings of our journey together. They have become my sanctuary as I travel this path with my mother. It's surely not an easy journey, yet I embrace with her and will continue to, for as long as we can. I hold on to our love for however long it may last. As minute as it is, mom fortunately still has some traces and glimpses of what once was. For this I must be grateful.

 

SWEET,LOVE & TENDERNESS

 SWEET, LOVE & TENDERNESS

Two days ago my husband and I returned from visiting my mother, and each morning when I have spoken to her she has no memory of our visit. As I reflect back on the five days that I spent with her, I can still feel the warmth of her smiles, laughter and joy as we held hands, embraced and told each other how much we loved one another.

Some moments I was her daughter, and other times I was her relative. Mom tried to explain that if she said she was my relative then she was "safe". I understood completely what she was saying and smiled at her cleverness.

When I first arrived in Florida and was on route to see her, I wiped away some tears as I felt at the same moment both excited and fearful. I had recently hung up the phone with her and she questioned me, what was my name. I had a feeling of uncertainty of how mom would be when we reached her.

As I entered her home mom was singing and her first words to me were "oh you came to visit me, I was not sure that you were coming." She repeated my name which seemed like every other second. The sound of hearing her saying my name was like an unchained melody that I just loved to hear. With such a sweet and delightful voice she was thrilled to tell us that "her family" was now with her.

Within the hour mom only wanted to get into her bed for she was feeling sleepy. She invited me to join her, and as I sat in a chair in her bedroom, she would not allow herself to slip into dreamland. Instead, she just wanted me to reassure her that I was still with her. I wonder if she was fearful that if she fell asleep, that when she awoke, I would no longer be with her. All she wanted to do was to keep speaking and have me reassure her that I was still with her. At this moment sleep for her seemed so far away.

Mom was feeling overly warm so I helped her remove her cardigan. With much affection our roles were now switched, as I became the mother, and she became my child. Mom did not know what room she was in, or what other rooms were beyond her doorway. As I described her home of twenty six years, she was confused and at moments asked of me to take her home. At this moment her world seemed to be slipping away. Night became day and day became night.

The following day felt like a miracle. It was truly a golden day. The sentiments that she shared with me from "do you love me like I love you?" and as we embraced she whispered in my ear "you're the best in the world,"which only broke my heart in two. It was moments like these that I just melted and my heart was filled with an eternal love.

A love so strong that all I could do was cry tears of happiness, as I now wondered how many years I wasted on not loving my mom completely. This for me truly was a special and warm enduring day that will forever remain embedded in my heart and soul .

The following day mom couldn't even find the light switch in her bathroom to turn off the light that she only seconds before had turned on. I watched the Alzheimer's come and go, for at some moments she could spell and her mind was quick and filled with a sharpness as she shared her thoughts with us. Then there were the other times that she was mixed up with her vocabulary and thinking, and I knew that it was not my mom speaking, it was the disease.

 What else can I say other than that I find my mom to be so courageous. She is filled with a spirit that Alzheimer's has not yet been able to rob from her. I do at moments wonder what is left of her life. A life that has truly disappeared and  a world that she once lived in that no longer exists. Yet for me, I must celebrate the special part that we can still share.

This part of her world is the one where she still knows me and is able to express all her love for me. It is a world diminshed yet for me a world that I will never forget. I only want to imagine a world one day without Alzheimer's. A world free of this horrific disease.
 

HEALTHY,WEALTHY & WISE

 

HEALTHY,WEALTHY & WISE

I was not planning to write a post this week because I will be on a plane going to see my mom. Yet I found that several conversation's that she and I shared, left me with many different emotions. One day it put a big smile on my face, and the next day I was left feeling rather crushed .

Day 1-  I heard mom's caregiver say to her, "Lisa ,your daughter is on the phone." With surprise in mom's voice I heard her say "my daughter?" As if she never hears from me , yet every morning at the same time I phone her to say hello.

Mom gets on the phone with "hi sweetie." "Hi mom, guess what is happening in 5 days?" Ruthie answers with,"I don't know." " I am coming to visit you." I then hear her say,"How old are you?"  "I am exactly 25 years younger then you." "Well, I do not know how old I am."

"Mom would you like to guess?" Mom vibrantly expresses her feelings saying "I do not care how old I am, as long as I'm Healthy, Wealthy & Wise." I delightfully answer,  "mom you are certainly all those things," as I can envision her beaming face.

She then wonders if I will be keeping my name. "Of course mom, I really like the name you gave me, why wouldn't I keep it ?" I could hear in her voice that at this moment, she did not even know that she had a child , no less named me. " What is your name?" "My name is Lisa," and with that mom burst out laughing. I wonder what is so funny as she remarks,"nothing," and continues to explain to me that she has a problem trying to remember names.

Next question to me is,"where do I live?" "I live in New York." She continues to tell me that she likes me, and all I really want to know from her, is "do you love me?" "Of course I love you." as she hangs up the phone.

Since I will be visiting in less then a week, I ask mom how many days there are in a week. I received three different answers depending on which day I asked ;16 days, 10 days and once she had a lucky guess of 7 days. Or maybe her memory was working at that moment.

Day 2- When Ruthie got on the phone I wondered if she knew who I was, so I presented the question to her. With an uncertainty in her voice she responded with " are you my mother? my friend?my relative? do I even know you?" As my heart sank I answered,"yes mom you know me. I am your daughter."

She quickly apologized, that if she does not sound good at moments, it's because of her memory, and that she'd like me to know that she loves me. As she spoke those words I felt like I would melt, while at the same time I was feeling like my heart could break in two.

How can this be, how can my mom not remember me? How can Alzheimer's rob her of what was once her world ? I could never imagine not knowing who my son was. The thought of not knowing Logan one day truly terrifies me.

I know that mom is starting to loose more of her memory, yet she has also been doing very well for several weeks. She sounds good and in such a strange way she is quite aware. I do have to admit that her answers at moments would frighten or upset some people, yet for me I try to appreciate and be thankful for what we still can share.

I will not allow Alzheimer's to destroy the love, bond and relationship that my mom and I now have. Yes, my mom is different today, yet she still is my mother. I feel so much love,admiration and affection for her, like my cup can surely "runneth" over.

BEING GRATEFUL

BEING GRATEFUL

This was probably the third to last trip when mom was still able to come and visit us in New York. It seems like yesterday or maybe more like many moons ago. We all seem quite happy in this picture, although I know that back then mom and I certainly had our moments of not getting along. We would quibble over silly little things. That was then and this is now.

Today mom is my hero and my love for her is indescribable. She can really light up my life with her sounds of joy and laughter, that resonates from her. Since we just celebrated Thanksgiving I feel that it is a great time to reflect. Reflect on all that we have and all that we should be grateful for.

I do remember mom coming to spend Thanksgiving with us probably six years ago, and for a lady who is always chilled to the bone, she packed summer clothes as she traveled to New York during the winter. I was shocked and could not understand why she did not bring any of her heavier clothes nor a sweater or two. What was she thinking? As I now look back, I see that I was certainly in denial. Did I think something was wrong with my mom? Did I question why would she pack that way? Not really, I just thought that it was strange.

After mom became ill with Alzheimer's there was a major shift in our relationship, and all that I was left with was the declaration of my love for her . Ruthie had no idea that anything had changed. Yet for me I was able to love and appreciate the mom that I was never sure I had.

It is now a little more than a week until I will be visiting her. I am feeling so excited and I am also feeling a bit uneasy. Just today she was surprised that I was married and especially for thirty years. Mom declared that I was too young to be married. I do like the" young" part. Nor was she able to celebrate that her grandson had just turned twenty five. One day she was surprised that she had a grandson, and the next day she requested that I buy him a "nice" gift from her.

When I wished her a wonderful Thanksgiving and told her that she would be feasting on turkey ,stuffing and yams, she did not sound overjoyed. Thanksgiving was always a holiday that she loved to celebrate with her family. Yet when she saw the Thanksgiving parade on the television, she did say to Elaine her caregiver, that she remembered seeing it many years ago.

When I wanted to know if she had a nice day the day before, her answer was "I guess so , I don't even remember it but I'm sure that it was nice." When Trudy, Elaine's daughter, told mom to speak to Lisa when I phoned, mom wanted to know who Lisa was. I'm not certain of how mom will be when I do arrive, although she has been blessed with several exceptional weeks.

Regardless of what she might know or understand at any given  moment, I am certain that even my mom would say that she is grateful for everything that she has. She would delight in having children, a grandchild, and she would be sure to tell me that we were all so fortunate to have our health.

Mom did bring me up to appreciate all that I had. She encouraged me to be whatever I dreamed of and to celebrate being alive. As a child and teenager I did not fully appreciate everything that I was or what I had, yet from both my parents encouragement, I have fortunately grown up to be grateful, and have learned to appreciate all that I have.

So mom I like to toast you and your life, and share with you how grateful I am that you are my mother. With all the love in my heart that I now feel for you, you have inspired me with your strength and courage, and because of you I can celebrate being grateful.

I would love to take this moment and wish everyone a truly wonderful Thanksgiving and hope that we can all be thankful for what we have.


 

DO I LIVE IN FLORIDA OR NEW YORK ?

DO I LIVE IN FLORIDA OR NEW YORK?

I'm thrilled that mom still is able to be aware of where she was born and where she once lived. On some days she is confused with which state is the correct one. Sometimes she is so confident that she resides in New York, and at other times she is aware that she now lives in Florida.

The confusion occurs on most days when she asks me when I am coming to visit. It is now seventeen days till my husband and I will arrive at mom's doorstep. She always want to know why I cannot come sooner. My answers are always the same. So at those moments when she questions my timetable, it is also when she might insist that she lives in New York. She wonders how long it will take for me to come over. My answer is that it depends on how I travel ; "by plane 3 1/2 hours and driving at least 2 days." "Wow," mom says, as if she understands.

I shared with her that my husband will be joining me on my visit. Mom really let out quite a chuckle, and when I questioned what was so funny, she responded that she didn't know, except that she found it rather funny. It didn't matter just hearing the sounds of her laughter thrilled me.

 Before ending our daily phone call I requested from her to throw me my precious kisses. I shared that when I arrived, I would be able to place my "real" kisses right on her cheek. "Great", mom exploded with enthusiasm ,"I can hardly wait."

As we practice her counting abilities, I have been using the days till I arrive as a game. In the beginning of the week when I said that I would be coming in 3 weeks; and explained there are seven days in a week, she quickly said 7 x 3 is twenty one. It was astonishing to me that she was able to do the mathematics in her head and so quickly. So why can she spell, count and add numbers, yet she cannot remember what she did seconds before, or what she just ate?

I have noticed that as my trip gets closer that I have been feeling a bit more sentimental as we speak
about our love for one another. As mom has expressed to me how much she misses me and really does love me, I get teary eyed, as I return all my love to her.  I'm not sure why I feel this way, except I realized how very much I do miss her.

 I wish that we lived closer to one another, and wish that I could use a magic wand, and have her Alzheimer's simply disappear. I know this is not reality, yet I sure can dream.  It's amazing how the words of love that we now can share, were hardly present before she became ill.

Living in two different states, one in New York and one in Florida, may keep us apart, yet our closeness and intimate love, I know will always remain close to both of our hearts.

IT'S A REALLY GOOD DAY

IT'S A REALLY GOOD DAY

I found myself intrigued this week with my phone calls to my mom. They were filled with much affection and some bursts of laughter . They were also lighthearted, as well as sentimental, except for  the one day which mom had a "substitute"caregiver.

Elaine and Trudy had something special to do for a day, and they could not bring my mom along as they usually do. They replaced themselves with a family friend. She seemed to be quite kind, caring and attentive to mom. Yet if mom could share what she was thinking, I think it would be a little different ; she seemed baffled and confused. Maybe in some ways she also felt abandoned, although she said nothing.

Mom was quite sharp, somewhat feisty and filled with lots of energy. Yet as we spoke she also sounded a little annoyed at the situation. Somehow we got into the conversation about her children and how many she gave birth to. She insisted that she had many. I questioned her on" how many is many?" Her reply was " too many to count."  "Okay mom, how many children did you want?" She replied "none."" I then asked if she had a choice on sexes, what would she have wanted. She quickly answered,"boys and girls, one of each." That was good because that is exactly what mom did have."Well mom how many girls do you have ?" "One." My final question on this subject was, "and how many boy's do you have?" and she answered "ten."

I really could not stop laughing for she was as serious as could be. If mom sounded delusional, I'm certain that this conversation would have greatly upset me .Yet not this day, for mom did not sound lost or confused. She sounded rather strong and filled with conviction. I guess I could say like my "old" mom.

The following day when Trudy returned in the morning, mom greeted her at her front door, by giving her a big hello and saying how nice it was to see her. I'm sure that mom was once again feeling safe and secure, for when I spoke to her, she told me that she was feeling" very good ." "That's great for I am feeling the same." Mom then said "if you're feeling good, and I'm feeling good, then it's a really good day."

As she brought a smile to my face and warmed my heart, I knew that once again, mom could hear the sound of birds singing. I could tell that she felt a sense of security, and the affection from her caregivers.

My brother and and I are so fortunate to have such wonderful caregivers,who take such special care of Ruthie. I do not know what we would do without them. They have become her lifelines.

For all the families that have a parent,spouse or grandparent with Alzheimer's, we all in one way or another become their caregivers. This is not an easy thing to be, and at moments are hearts can feel broken. Hopefully at other times, we can find some happiness in what we have left to share with them.

This for me is how I choose to live. I cherish the time that I still have left to share with her. If I once again quote my mom, she would say "that today for her was a REALLY good day."

I am adding onto my blog post a conversation my brother had with mom the day after election day. It is so precious, and I hope that it will put a big smile on you face as it did for me.

Wed am
G: Mom, we elected a president last nite

Mom: A president?

G: Yes

M: Who? Roosevelt?

G: no mom, not Roosevelt

M: who

G: Barack Obama

M: Barack Obama? What kind of crazy name is that?. I never heard of him.
Write it down for me so I can remember it

G: OK Mom, have a great day

WHEN ARE YOU COMING TO VISIT ?

WHEN ARE YOU COMING TO VISIT ?

Needless to say that this week because of Hurricane Sandy parts of New York and New Jersey have been devasted. Many people have no power, the city lost it's mass transit and the airports have been closed. Some homes have gone up in flames and the coastlines have been sadly ripped to pieces.  Myself and my family thankfully, are safe and sound.

I tried to share all these events that were happening with my mother. When I spoke to her about Coney Island(located in Brooklyn, NY) and questioned if she remembered it, mom's answer was "of course I remember Coney Island, that is where I grew up." She then delightfully sang a song about the boardwalks of Atlantic City. The next time I tried to to share with her about the subways, the buses and the airports, she nonchalantly said she was getting off the phone, as if nothing had else mattered.

Mom has her days where right after we says hello, she immediately then says goodbye.This was one of those days. I'm not sure why she does this, and there are the other moments she enjoys our girlish chit-chats.

It's not that mom does not care ,and especially about her own home town, it's because of Alzheimer's, that nothing I said had registered. Honestly, although mom can spell the word hurricane, I am sure that she has no idea of what a hurricane is.

Mom only wanted to know when I would be coming to visit. That was all she seemed to care about. I excitedly said in 4 1/2 weeks, and continued with how lucky I was that I did not have my plane ticket for this week. Again she did not understand. She responded by saying, "why not, you can come anytime you like, the sooner the better." "No mom the airplanes are not flying where I live." She repeated how she wanted me to get on some other plane. I probably should have just said I would try, since I understand that she will never remember.

My husband will be joining me on my visit to see mom. The picture above is from last December when we were at her home in Florida. That week was especially difficult for she was not able to understand most anything we said and she was quite confused. Mom's wires were disconnected.
The last several weeks she has been having some rather good days. Hopefully when we arrive she will still be "with it."

When I visit mom it is quite different then when we speak on the phone. Seeing her in person can be  stressful and heartbreaking. I get to see all the ways that she has no idea what to do, like brushing her teeth,combing her hair and flushing a toilet. She gets confused about where her bathroom or bedroom is located, in a home that she has lived in for over twenty five years.  This makes her illness so much more real for me, and puts a different perspective on things.

The other parts of spending time with mom are very special. The moments we have together of just holding  hands, laughing, helping her dress, and making her lunch, are special times that I get to take care of her, as she once did for me. I for a short period of time become her lifeline. In many ways our rolls have reversed ,and that's okay because embedded in my heart ,she is and will always be my mother.

As our daily phone calls come to an end I still can count on her to say, "when are you coming to visit?" Today and always I will cherish those words.

IMAGINE- A WORLD WITHOUT ALZHEIMER'S

IMAGINE- A WORLD WITHOUT ALZHEIMER'S

Last Sunday I walked with my husband, my son and his girlfriend, as we joined 5000 other people in New York City, in the Walk to End Alzheimer's. As I approached the park my eyes seemed to swell, thinking about my mother.

 I called her to say hello, and share with her, that I was walking in a park on a beautiful sunny day. I feared saying to her, that I was walking for Alzheimer's.  I do not know if my mom  knows what Alzheimer's is, or even that she has this disease, yet I could not bring myself to say the word. Regardless, mom was able to tell me in a cheerful voice to enjoy my walk, the park, as well as the rest of my day. As I hung up, I smiled thinking that she had just sounded like a woman, who did not have this disease.

 She has been sounding remarkably good on our daily phone calls . The things that she has recently said, sounds as if she is at the moment reconnected . Instead of her saying that she cannot remember anything ,she has been expressing it so differently to me. She asked if I could remember what I just shared with her. She seemed to be defending herself, by stating that it was a very long time ago for her to be able to remember. When we spoke of other things she announced, that she just got a "mental block, or that it's right there on the tip of her tongue."

She seems to be reawakening. I heard her tell her caregiver Elaine, that she needed to loose some weight, since it was not good to be overweight. Elaine and I were intrigued by what she said just said. We were happy that she was aware and able to observe all of this. Just saying something as simple as this, brought smiles to our faces, as we giggled about what Ruthie had just expressed.

When I mentioned to her that my doctor's office measured me, and that my height now was, 5'3 1/2'' and I had shrunken from 5'4", she laughed and quickly said," don't be upset, you lost only a 1/2"." Her quick response left me with another smile and feeling lighthearted.

 I found it interesting how she has reversed what I had said . Was she trying to transfer not remembering to me, as if it was a normal act in her life ? Can she be aware enough at this moment, to question me in reverse, as if to transfer her own feelings? All of this has left me wondering what could possibly be going on in her mind .

I guess I will never have an answer to this, and it will not make any difference.  For me I want to take a few moments and try to "Imagine A World Without Alzheimer's." A world free of this dreadful disease. A world where our loved one's lives, cannot be stolen from them, as if they never existed.

 Please join me in spreading awareness about Alzheimer's, so one day the world may be free of this horrific disease.

MOM REALLY MELTS MY HEART

MOM  REALLY MELTS MY HEART

 Mom and I now continuously say to each other how much we love one another. It was not always like this.  It makes me wonder, why when I was growing up, did I not feel all this love and warmth from her? Nor did I return it. I was certainly daddy's little girl.

 I am not saying that I did not know she loved me, what I am saying is the warmth and nurturing that I felt as a child was coming from my dad, not my mom. Was it me? Was it her? Or was it both of us? My dad showed me lots of love, and showered me with much affection. Could my mom had been in a crazy way, jealous of our loving relationship? This I will never know or understand, and it no longer has any significance to me.

Today, and since my mom has Alzheimer's, the love we share is for me unspeakable. My mom had a really good week which left us with some amazing conversations. Every phone call ,left her asking me when I would be coming to see her. Mom would reply that we have a really good relationship and the truth was and I quote her," because she loved me more than anything in the world." She so sweetly, added in that I was the best in the world, and the greatest there is.

All these words of affection and love  melted my heart . It was all so magical, words that I can never forget. Alzheimer's has left her with no memory, yet when she still is present, she constantly shares all her love with me. Could she be making up for all the years that this was not shared ?  Maybe, and certainly, yes for me.

Are we like a mirror reflecting back and forth to each other our images of love? The simple things in life that I might have once taken for granted, now shine through . The words we speak each day, unless mom is having a bad day are filled with the brightest of sunshine. Her laugh, her smiles, her kisses now are everything to me.

 At the end of each phone call, I always ask her to throw me kisses.  I have shared with her that without her kisses my day would not be complete. As our last phone call came to an end, she said " if you want your kisses, then why don't you come over, and I'll give you real kisses." I smiled to myself knowing that I would be seeing her in six weeks, and for today she was having an exceptionally good day.

I hold so dear to my heart all our bright days, never knowing when they may fade away. Instead of thinking about the long goodbye, I focus on the long hello, and embrace all that we still can share.



 

I WONDER WHAT IS MOM THINKING ?

 

I WONDER WHAT IS MOM THINKING ?

Mom recently had two wonderful weeks, that seemed to abruptly come to an end. This week started off with her sounding like she had just swallowed speed. She was on an adrenaline rush. Mom was saying some things that made sense and other things that I found quite difficult to understand. I wondered what was going on ?

Did mom have another UT infection, that was causing her to be in what seemed like a semi delirious state ? Probably not since she had started an antibiotic the week before. My brother suspected that she might have had an infection. I questioned what would happen if she really needed an antibiotic. Gil my brother, being a physician, thought that this would not be a problem.

I found her one day speaking about my father, who passed away seventeen years ago, saying that she was waiting for him to come home from work. The next day she kept rambling on about some lady and how she remembered what had happened with her. She was making absolutely no sense at all. The next moment she was telling me that I was the best daughter in the world. Of course, I loved hearing those words.

I decided to ask her some questions to see if she, or better me, might understand. As I spoke these words her answers were quick and responsive. "Mom are you happy?" "Yes," she said, "I'd rather be happy and have her hold my hand."  Okay I thought ,who is her ?  Then without skipping a beat she continued to say that she was happy to be alive. Her brain seemed to be firing and sparking all over the place.

The following day she only wanted to sleep. I'm sure this was out of total exhaustion. I only could wonder what I might find later, on the other end of the phone.

 Mom's journey, since she has Alzheimer's, has climbed mountains and has traveled through valleys. The rivers have flowed and at other times they have dried up. I never know what to expect. What might I experience next?

Towards the end of the week, her caregiver discovered that mom was impacted. After she was relieved from this, she bounced back to being aware and sounding better . Almost as if, what I had experienced all week, never happened. If my mom cannot tell me what is going on, how can we as caregivers, know how to help them?

In a strange way this fascinates me. How does the brain connect and disconnect so quickly ?  I only wish that my mom could explain to me what is going on. What is she feeling? What is she thinking? Since she cannot, all that I am left with is to wonder how Alzheimer's disease can remove her vibrant ways, and watch as she fades away.

Somehow, as upsetting as this can be, I have been getting use to her when she is acting this way. Yes it hurts, and I wish I could cuddle her,and take care of her, as she once did for me. Instead I take a deep breath and know in my heart that tomorrow could be a better day.

SOUNDS OF JOY

SOUNDS OF JOY

This is the second week in a row where mom has sounded really good.  She has been alert, upbeat and filled with clarity. We have been able to engage in our daily conversations. I have purchased my plane tickets to visit her, and will be arriving in eight weeks. I am hoping that when I get to her home, she will still be having her better days. Although eight weeks is still a long time away.

The last time that I visited her with my husband, her days were not great and being with her was painful to watch. It brought up sadness and frustration . As my trip is getting closer, I start to feel some different emotions . As of now I am surrounded with excitement, yet feel a small knot in my stomach.

Just today, mom so cutely said that she only hopes that she can remember when I will be arriving. She asked me to please remind her and hopes that she will not forget. I laugh with her as she speaks these words and reassure her that I will not let her forget.

Mom offered to help me make her "famous" meatloaf when I visit, since she cannot remember the recipe herself. Simple things like this excite me . I delight in each small thing she says, as if I was watching my son speak his first words, or take his first steps. Her good days come and go, so I always cherish those special moments.

 It doesn't matter what we may speak about, it is just that we are still able to speak. She touches my heart in so many different ways. I can no longer talk to my dad, and in reality the day will come when I can no longer speak to her.

Mom has no memory anymore of anything, including my dad, her marriage, her youth. Maybe she still has glimpses that come to her, yet as they pass by so quickly she has no way to share them. Yet for all this she does seem happy . In her world, she does not understand the difference.

My mom and dad met when they were very young. Mom was eighteen years old when they married. Dad was only twenty one when he shipped out to serve his country. At that time mom was also pregnant with my brother.

On October 25th this year, they would have celebrated their 70th anniversary together. My dad passed away seventeen years ago. He suffered for nine long months, while my mom traveled each and everyday to see him.

I wonder how difficult it would have been for him, if he had lived, and he would now be experiencing my mom, as she drifts away. My brother and I are now the only immediate family she has left.

Alzheimer's disease I believe effects the caregivers even more. We are the ones that watch how this disease destroys their lives, as they loose their memory and slowly disappear. We feel the pain that they may not even realize exists. 

The sounds of joy that my mom can still express are for me, what makes me smile. She fills my heart with much joy.  Everyday that she still knows who I am, is truly a gift to me. Mom has been so courageous and today as always she will remain my hero.