WHERE IS MY LITTLE GIRL?
One of mom's nurse's mentioned that when mom is lucid she will ask where I am and say that her daughter Lisa does not come to see her. She also says this of my brother (which makes me feel less guilty). Even if I had just visited mom she would not remember and would be repeating the same thing.
While I was speaking to the nurse mom happened to stroll by in her Merry Walker. The nurse put me on speaker phone so I was able to hear the conversation . "Ruthie how are you doing today?" Mom answered quickly that she was" good." "Would you like to speak to your daughter Lisa, who is now on the phone?" She answered "no not really I'm too sleepy," as she continued on her way.
The conversation made me giggle, yet it could not stop me from wondering, was mom really not wanting to speak to me or was she too tired? Did she really even understand that I was on the phone? Does she even know what a telephone is? She answered as if she understood, so why would she not want to speak to me? Luckily I did not feel slighted.
As Alzheimer's progresses mom's conversations have mostly disappeared. She can still speak and has moments where she is so sharp with her responses. Yet she is not able to concentrate enough to keep any conversation going because she cannot remember what someone just said.
I believe that there are moments when she is aware and wondering about everything, from where she is living to what is happening to her. Unfortunately her thoughts disappear so quickly that we can never know what she is thinking.
I miss mom terribly although I do get to watch her on videos that my brother recorded when I visited her. They have become so dear to my heart for they are the closest I have to being with her, even if my mom at moments is wondering where her little girl is .
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You can only do what you can do, in the knowledge that you are there for her, even if she doesn't know it...
ReplyDelete...and cherish whatever we have left. Thanks for sharing.
DeleteHi Lisa
ReplyDeleteI know where you are coming from and there is nothing harder in life then having your Mom not know you. It must be so hard being a distance from her whereas my Mom either lived with me or was only minutes away at the hospital.I Take solace in the fact that some day in the future when I meet Mom in heaven she will know exactly who I am and her love will shine through. My heart goes out to you because this journey you are on is the hardest thing you will do in your life but being there for her is the most rewarding also. I am sending you a big hug. Carol
Carol all I can say to you is I Love You ! xoxo Lisa
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