ROLLER COASTER RIDE
Since mom became quite ill during my visit in January I have been affected in many way. Just watching her disappear from Alzheimer's for the last fourteen years had been grueling enough. I had to accept that her world was climaxing and could end rather quickly.
Even though I have prepared myself, I realize that when the time comes I will be in mourning for the loss of my mother. She will become just another statistic and I will be parentless like so many others my age.
People often ask if I fear that I will get Alzheimer's. My answer is always the same. I do not fear it, although I am aware, when I cannot remember something as simple as an actor's name. Not only does my mother have Alzheimer's her younger brother also had it and passed away within a few years. I recognize that my chances are greater than someone else whose family has no history of this disease.
Amazingly enough mom's "world", if only, for the moment has changed. Changed in a way that I was not ready for, nor, maybe I didn't really wish to happen. She seems to have bounced back with a reborn energy. Her nurse reassured me that mom was once again back to "herself", feisty, eating well and maybe even better than before. My immediate reaction was feeling elated yet mixed with some sense of reality. I went so far as to fantasize that mom who is 92 years old might now live to 100.
My heart previously had been telling me that mom had given up. Once again she has proved me wrong! Or should I say knowing all too well, that this "rebirth" may only last for a day, month, or year until mom can no longer go on.
While I am on this whirlwind I cannot help but feel the bumps and curves as Alzheimer's continues to speed along its tracks. There are so many times I wish for this ride to come to an end.
Why am I not fully able to go with the flow? Am I not prepared for this roller coaster ride? I know that I am not being a pessimist. Could it be that I am just being a realist? How silly of me for how could I not want mom to have "good "days. Of course I do. For some, this may seem like a miracle yet anyone who understands this disease knows that it cannot last.
In the world of dementia the patient does not get to win. There is no cure.
MY MOM MY HERO - A mother & daughters new found love. http://www.amazon.com/Mom-Hero-Alzheimers--daughters-bittersweet/dp/0615773982/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1454248406&sr=8-1&keywords=lisa+hirsch
Lisa, I was very sorry to read your blog after your last visit and when you hadn't posted in a while I feared the worst.
ReplyDeleteOur experiences are so similar it is amazing. I've been on this emotional roller coaster for the past 5 years.
My 94 year old mom became very ill in December with a respiratory infection. She was in and out of consciousness and couldn't speak for nearly 2 weeks. When we saw her at Christmas we thought she was close to "the end". A week later she bounced back and she's been doing well ever since (knocking wood). Of course I know this can't last "forever", hoping she stays this way at least through Mother's Day when I'll be with her again.
Hugs to you. ~Barb
Barb, I have been writing my blog just less frequent. As I just read what you wrote me I got chills up and down my body. We were going through almost the same exact thing almost at the very exact time. Yes my mom is 2 years younger yet .....xoxo
DeleteLisa, as you know, I went through it with both parents, so my odds are strong that my kids will have to deal with a demented me. Remember that people don't die from Alzheimers; they die from heart disease, infections etc. Your mother is a very tough lady, and so are you!
ReplyDeleteMy sweet dearest friend. Please don't ever think that way. Wipe those thoughts forever from you mind.
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