WILL THIS FINALLY BE GOODBYE ?

WILL THIS FINALLY BE GOODBYE ?

The above picture which I cherish was taken in 2012 in front of my mother's home. At that time mom already had Alzheimer's for several years yet she was becoming adorable like a young child. Since then so much has changed. I chose this picture, for the more recent photos are too upsetting to look at. I sure don't want to remember her the way she is now.

In less than four weeks I will be arriving in Florida for 9 weeks. As the date approaches feelings that I have buried throughout the year have been surfacing. I feel sad and helpless, because mom has been dying and there is absolutely nothing that I can do to help her.

The last fifteen years has been a journey filled with both happy and upsetting moments. Coming from a positive place I was fortunate to have been able to cherish and appreciate the good ones. For the last several years those days have disappeared and all that is left is an emptiness filled with frustration and sadness. This has turned into a very long goodbye

The other morning I started to cry as I thought of how fearful I was to see her as she is today. She hardly eats anything, sits slumped over in her chair as her eyes remain mostly closed. My family and the staff at the nursing home are all surprised that mom is still alive.


POEM

She's locked away in a place they call home.

She sits and stares at nothing.

She speaks and says nothing.

She is nowhere yet locked within her own 2 walls.

She reflects on no one yet they say she is still alive.

Is she? or is she not? What am I to believe? What am I to feel?

The pain I now endure for her, deeply tears me apart. I have survived this past year by blocking her from my thoughts.

Yet as the time comes close for me to return these fears resurface.

How can I return from this haunting depressing world or better yet how can I desert her?

She is my mother. She brought me into this world and now I only wish to say goodbye.

My heart pangs, my body feels weakened and my hands seem to tremble.

Death, although final is all that I sadly wish for.

Sleep will bring peace and comfort.

It will remove her from a life that disappeared many years ago.

It is all so painful as I try to say my final goodbyes.




"Letter To My Mom" & My Mom My Hero are both available on Amazon worldwide. Ebook, Audio, Paperback.
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WILL I CELEBRATE MOM'S BIRTHDAY?

WILL I CELEBRATE MOM"S BIRTHDAY?

My mom will be turning 95 years old on August 24th and I do not understand how or why she is still alive. She sits with her eyes shut closed, occasionally nodding her head, while weighing only 81 lbs.  I wonder is it that her constitution is so strong, or as the nurses say, "it's not yet g-ds will". I am not a religious person yet I if g-d has anything to do with this I find it terribly troubling that anyone in my mother’s state would still be alive.

This past winter after spending time with her for several months, my family and I were certain that she would pass away within a few months. We are now 5 months later, and it is heart wrenching  thinking of her nonexistence. I pray that she is not suffering.

Unfortunately, the nursing home, aware of moms no intake of food, has increased her daily supplement from one time a day to three times a day and also added an extra protein. This of course will not keep mom alive, yet it is slowing down her departure. After questioning the staff, we were told that by Florida state law they had to provide an oral nutrient as long as my mother would still take it. 

They might have felt this was humane yet we felt that it was quite inhumane, especially since my mother literally spelt out her wishes; stating that if she had an incurable brain disease that she did not want …..etc. It's tragic that I was able to be kinder to my dogs so they could have as little suffering as possible while reaching the end of their lives.

I have recently been invited to two birthday celebrations this year. One is a dear friend’s mother who just turned 90 and the others mother will be 100. I realize how fortunate they both are and if my mom were in their health, I would wish for her to live "forever". Unfortunately and sadly enough, this is not my mother's situation.

So, as my mother's birthday approaches I can celebrate the life she once had, yet I can no longer wish her a happy birthday.



"Letter To My Mom" & My Mom My Hero are both available on Amazon worldwide. Ebook, Audio, Paperback.
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MY MOM

My Mom

It's been a while since I have shared about my mom. It has been a long journey since she got Alzheimer's; one that I will never forget. These past 14 years have been filled with many different emotions, from unconditional love to friendship and laughter, as well as feeling helpless and an overwhelming sadness.

The picture of mom that I have chosen was taken approximately 7 years ago when she first arrived at the nursing home. It brings me back to a time that mom and I were feeling "happy". The more recent pictures that I have from the last few years, all though touching, can also be upsetting. My son Logan is now 31 years old and has a beard. Six weeks ago he became a father for the first time to the sweetest baby boy.

I profoundly remember my mother sharing with me after my son Logan was born how much and how deep her love for him was. I never truly understood that until now.
It's absolutely amazing how much love I now feel for my own grandchild. How I wish that I could share this with her and tell her that she is a "great"grandmother.

Sadly enough she is not aware of this or,"most likely",anything at all.. I use the word "most likely" since in my heart when I hold her hand, kiss her face and tell her how much I love her I believe (or want to believe) that she knows it's me. The nurses have shared this joyful news with her and with her eyes shut closed she just nods her head.

For quite some time now her eyes remain closed. She barely eats anything and seems to be "surviving" on 3 protein drinks and supplements that the nursing home gives her. Something that they are not willing to stop given the laws of Florida. Mom now weighs 82 pounds and is on hospice. The nurse tells me that she is slowly declining and, it is all in g-ds hands. I am not a religious person, so I am not sure whose hands it's in, yet somehow my mother has a very strong constitution.

Mom will turn 95 years old on August 24th of this year. My wish for her, which is something I have wished for quite a few months, is for her to peacefully go to sleep. Truthfully, this would be the best gift that I could give her. I love my mom dearly yet the life she has been living is no way for anyone to live.

Nursing homes, regardless of someone's wishes, will do whatever they legally can to keep the patient alive. It's sad and, after feeling so helpless for some time, now I think that I have just become "accepting" to the whole situation.

Today I just wanted to touch base with all my wonderful supportive friends that I have made over the last nine years in the world of Dementia. Each of our lives have been touched in many different ways but the one thing that we all have in common and share is the understanding of what this horrific disease is all about.


Sending all of you a big warm hug and thank you for always being there.




"Letter To My Mom" & My Mom My Hero are both available on Amazon worldwide. Ebook, Audio, Paperback.
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IF MOM COULD ONLY SPEAK...

 

IF MOM COULD ONLY SPEAK...                                                                               Year 2019

My husband and I arrived in Florida this past January to, once again, spend some valuable time with my mother. We were greatly taken back when we realized how advanced her Alzheimer's had become. Mom's eyes remained constantly closed as she sat slumped over in her wheelchair. Her face remained expressionless and we witnessed her refusal of any food.

After several days I recalled what I had read the year before in mom's Heath Care Directive. As her daughter and surrogate I knew that I had to do whatever was humanly possible to carry out her wishes.

I phoned the attorney's office who, in 2007 in the state of Florida, drew up mom's directive. She redid it shortly after her younger brother passed away from Alzheimer's. After the attorneys reviewed it they advised me to reach out to hospice which I immediately did.

We met someone from hospice who felt that they could help us. They were going to take mom that evening to their facility to give her "comfort care". After some confusion with the nursing home, hospice realized that presently they could not do this. They too had to comply with the laws of Florida.

After she read moms directive we were at least fortunate to have gained the total support from the medical director of hospice . She said that she never read anyone's wishes spelled out so clearly, yet we still had many roadblocks momentarily in our way.

That evening I had a restless night’s sleep and in the morning my heart remained hopeful that we would be able to succeed in carrying out moms’ wishes.

There was no way that I would give up trying so we decided to approach the administration at the nursing home. I respectfully pleaded with them as I shared what my mother wished for, which was all legally documented. Mom's proxy was sent to their legal department and given the laws of Florida, once again we were told that there was not much they could do.

As mom started to lose more weight the doctor from the nursing home put her on 3 supplements (i.e. Ensure) and protein drinks a day. We tried to stop these drinks, yet the nursing home would not again abide to her or our wishes. Although they were compassionate and understanding I quickly realized that nursing homes are focused on keep their patients alive.

I am trying to accept what has transpired in the last few months. As one can only imagine it is very difficult. I have endured heartache watching my mother as she succumbs to this horrific disease. All I really want is for her to go to sleep as peacefully as possible.

I whole heartedly believe in "Death with Dignity" also known as assisted suicide. I believe that one has the right to leave this world when they are suffering and know the inevitable. When there is no longer any quality left in one’s life it should be their given right to decide when they wish to peacefully pass on.

Currently eight states have passed a bill allowing one to end their lives in this way. I know that this is a long battle yet as soon as New York State passes this bill, which I hope will be soon, I am committed to fight for the rights of those with Dementia. Even in the states that have passed aid in dying having Alzheimer's is not included, even if one's wishes were stated prior to when they no longer could speak for themselves.

I will begin in New York because that is where I reside. If I can help get it passed here, which would probably take years, then hopefully other states will follow. This is my mission not only for my myself, if I were to get Alzheimer's, but for all the others who suffer from this disease. Maybe one day this bill will be called "Ruthie's Law". An honor that my mom would be proud of.

This is my commitment and something I hope that many of you will join with me in this battle! Not only would I have wanted this for my mother, it is something that I wish for my loved ones and myself. It's called the freedom of choice!

If Mom could only speak what would she say...……..



"Letter To My Mom" & My Mom My Hero are both available on Amazon worldwide. Ebook, Audio, Paperback.
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CAN WE SAY GOODBYE ?

CAN WE SAY GOODBYE?

My mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s Disease at the age of 80. For the first several years of her illness, she was able to live at home with part-time caregivers. Approximately six years ago, her cognitive functioning deteriorated and we moved her into a nursing home. Fourteen years after her diagnosis, my mother who is now 94 except for her macular degeneration, is on no medication for any life-threatening conditions.

Several months ago, two members in my Alzheimer’s group suddenly lost their mothers, even though they joined the group after me. Every time this happened I questioned, why my mom was still alive after having dementia for so many years?

I know how that sounds. But please let me explain. When she was first diagnosed, even though we had had a strained relationship, I fell in love with her unconditionally. I devoted myself to managing her care and our relationship flourished. Any ambivalent feelings that I once had no longer seemed important and magically disappeared. We shared our laughter and acted so silly almost as if we were teenagers. But today, after 14 years with Alzheimer’s, things with mom are quite different.

What kind of life can mom now possibly have? She exists, but does she really? She no longer has any appreciation of any of the beautiful things that once surrounded her world. Memories of her husband and children are all but gone. For many years, she’s had no idea of her age, her life, her family, nor even her existence.

Mom use to love to go to museums, movies and theatre. She enjoyed her morning walks or strolling on the beach. She adored reading, had a great quest for knowledge and loved taking continuing education classes. For many years now, none of these things have been a part of her life.

Today she is confined to a wheelchair with her eyes mostly shut closed. She occasionally utters a few words that none of us understand. Every part of her existence is taken care of by the wonderful caring aides in her nursing home.

If she could speak or see herself through different eyes, would she want to keep on living? I believe deep in my heart that I know her answer. The answer is what I would want for myself. I believe that when someone’s quality of life disappears, decisions need to be made.

Regardless of your beliefs I am certain that we can all agree that Alzheimer’s is one of the cruelest diseases. It takes away one’s entire world as if it never existed. There is no cure and the ending can be gruesome. So, I ask you, should someone with Alzheimer’s have the right to choose to die? In several states with other diseases you do have that choice. One can decline treatment, but with Alzheimer’s there is no treatment and one can live for many years with no awareness nor quality of life.

Most of us choose not to speak about this yet it is something that as human beings should be our right. We should be able to make our own choice of how we live and when we should die. My choice has always been that I would die with dignity, through physician-assisted death if need be, in order to have some agency in the process. That is what I so heartily wish for my mother.

In two weeks I will be arriving in Florida where my mom is, and staying with her for eight weeks. I want to hold her hand and share with her how much I love her. I also want to let her know that it is okay for her to just "say goodbye".

"Letter To My Mom" & My Mom My Hero are both available on Amazon worldwide. Ebook, Audio, Paperback. https://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=lisa+hirsch