MY HEART JUST BROKE IN TWO

 

Photo from 2018

My Heart Just Broke In Two

It’s been quite a while since I have shared about my mother. Honestly speaking, that is because there is not much that I can say. I have written a few blogs since my return in May from seeing her.

Recap:

My husband and I arrived in Florida the beginning of January as we did each year and was visiting mom regularly until March when Covid19 forced the nursing home like many others to shut down. Since then it has recently opened on a limited and shortened visiting schedule. Since March I have continued to speak to the head of nursing weekly to get updates on my mom. She was hardly eating as we had observed and has remained hardly responsive and listless. This is still the nurses observation yet her weight dropped from 83lbs to 77lbs. 

Fast Forward:

Last week I received a call from a social worker from Hospice who I met back in February. She said that she was with my mom and would I like to do a Facetime. My immediate response was "no", since mom can't see me given that she is legally blind. Within a split second I changed my mind and the Hospice social worker happily changed our call to Facetime.

The second I saw mom tears ran down my face as I told her how very much I loved and missed her. At that moment I just wanted to hug and touch her, and keep telling her how much I loved her. She heard me, she recognized my voice and I was certain she knew it was me, as I watched her head move up and down. I also witnessed the opening of her eyes for one split second. My husband was on the call with me and we couldn't believe what we were seeing. I continued to tell mom about her great grandson and how she had always told me that the love one feels for your grandchild is undeniable. Once again  she opened one eye as my heart broke in two. Mom not only heard me she knew that it was me.

After sixteen long years of watching how Alzheimer's has robbed my mother of her life, I have always known that deep inside whether she verbally spoke to me or said my name that she has always known that it is me. As a parent myself I can never imagine not knowing one's own child. 

As of now, with cases of Covid19 rising I will be staying back home in New York, not knowing when I will be returning to Florida. I don't know when and where I will ever get to see my mom again yet I hope to be able to communicate through Facetime. 

The love that I have for her is so deep, and although I lost her years ago, my love for her is undeniable. I am grateful that she has been well cared for through the years, and still wish that she will soon find peace.

 

Alzheimer's My Mom My Hero

https://www.amazon.com/Mom-Hero-Alzheimers-Daughters-Bittersweet-ebook/dp/B00BZC9LBQ/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1516971426&sr=8-1&keywords=lisa+hirsch

Letter To My Mom 

CELEBRATING MOM'S 96th BIRTHDAY

What can I possibly say today on my mothers 96th Birthday? That for the last several years I have been wishing for her to find peace, or that I am sorry that years ago, I could not have removed this horrific disease Alzheimer's from her.

Yet through the last 16 years that my mom became ill I have also been blessed to have fallen unconditionally in love with her.

Before mom was sick our relationship had many hills and valleys. Yes, we had some moments and were able to share some touching times together, especially when my dad was dying.

As I flash back, I remember when mom would come visit weekly from Long Island to help me with the business I had started. We would heat-seal bags after stuffing them with t-shirts, stencils and magical fabric crayons to create a craft kit for children. During this time each week we would speak and laugh for hours. As a newly wed, in my early thirties, I remember sharing with her my ambitions, hopes and dreams.

Looking back, I now wonder how and when did our relationship go astray? As a teenager I recall when my friends came over mom seemed to always embarrass me. As I now reflect it was I who had the problem. My insecurities not fitting into the wealthy community my parents moved to effected me in many ways.

How I wish that I could turn back the hands of time and regain all the years I wasted. Knowing that this is not possible, I focus on the present and am quite thankful that I was able to get in touch with all the deep love and affection I have for my mother.

From my experience I know, from the bottom of my heart, that it is never too late to heal one's relationship, especially with a parent.

So mom, on your 96th Birthday, although you cannot hear me, nor maybe understand me, I want to tell you how very much I love and adore you.

As I reminisce on my youth, getting married and becoming a mother myself, I want to thank you for all the love you have given me and, even more, for always being there for me.

As you "blow" out your candles, I hope you can soon find peace. It would be my wish for you even knowing that when the time comes, given the pandemic I cannot be with you. You will be all alone. Yes the hospice nurse will be present yet I, your daughter, will not be able to be there to touch you, hold your hand and whisper, I love you.

My mom, who brought me into this world, will leave this world all alone. As sad as this is to say, this is my wish and I pray for you that it comes soon.

"Letter To My Mom" & My Mom My Hero are both available on Amazon worldwide. Ebook, Audio, Paperback.

https://www.amazon.com/s?k=Lisa+R+Hirsch+Alzheimer%27s+books&rh=n%3A227635&ref=nb_sb_noss

A DAUGHTERS DIARY-Part 2

 March 2020

For the last few days I have been shedding tears realizing that I will finally be saying my goodbyes to my mother. As I begin to write my "last" chapter I reflect on the journey that my mom and I have been on for the last 16 years. Then suddenly without notice it seems that the whole world shuts down.....the Coronavirus has arrived.

Second week in March:

I will be leaving in a week & have been locked out of visiting mom. At least I will be departing knowing that she was somewhat aware as I stroked her hair, kissed her and held her hand. In my heart I believe that we both could feel all the love that we have shared.

March 16th:
Coronavirus.... in some ways we are now prisoners ourselves. From no where the world now seems like it’s crashing down. While I am "stuck" in Florida I pray that my mom will find peace.

March 18th:
How does the saying go...I feel like a "man" without a country.  Haven’t been able to see my mom because of shutdown of NH. For a few days I actually forgot about her, so desperately trying to figure out my own life. I pray that my son, his wife and our precious grandson will be okay. Our family and close friends are persistent on us remaining in Florida,

Maybe mom will go to sleep while I am here. Funny for now I am locked in a "prison" like her. The one thing keeping me centered and not falling apart is that each day that I and my husband awake with no fever, I am grateful. How could I possibly ever cry, while the whole world is in the same terribly sad situation. 

March 21:

We were suppose to head back home to NY 2 days ago on March 19. Not sure how long we will be remaining here. It feels like life now stands still as the world waits to come out of their homes. To open their eyes to a whole new world, one that in some ways may feel the same, and in other ways will never look the same.

I of course have not been able to see my mom & I am sad that I probably never will. This week her weight dropped to 80.4 and I was told she is listless.

April 18th:

How I wish I could say my goodbyes. Honestly these last few weeks since I cannot see her I have not dwelled on what I could not do for her. Actually there were a few days as the world was collapsing that I did not even think of her .

My thoughts have been consumed with my husband, son, daughter in law and my precious 9 month old grandchild. I shared with my husband that there would be no one else in the world that I would rather be stranded on an island with.

Update July 2020:

I have been back home in NYC since May7th. I speak to the nursing home weekly. There have been several cases of Covid19, mostly from staff. Up until a few days ago they have successfully been able to keep the figures low. Now it seems like a get a call every few days with another one who has the virus.

Mom does not eat & yet has not lost any weight since I left. I've been told that she occasionally says of few jumbled words, shakes her head to answer, sleeps most of the day as her eyes remain closed. The head of nursing does not understand how she is still alive. Mom will be turning 96 August 24th. I have no idea when my mom will finally say goodbye, yet, what I am grateful for is that in her world she has no idea of what I and the rest of humanity are now living through.

P.S. A day or two before I was leaving I went to her window which was located on the second floor to say my goodbyes. There was a beautiful tree (photo above) that reached her window. It brought tears to my eyes as I remembered what my mother had shared with me. She told me that when she was a teenager in the summer she loved to sit under a tree for hours and read. It's amazing that this tree has been here all these years and I never discovered it. It has now become for me, my mom's tree.

As I now look back through the past 16 years on this journey with my mother I realize many things. I reflect on moments of sadness, yet I also remember even more all the loving special moments that we shared. Way to many to count. It took me until I became an adult to share a bond with my mom that only a mother & daughter could share.

P.S.S. Since my mom is in the last stages of Alzheimer's I did not want to bother anyone to bring her to the window. Yet I did phone a very special aide from outside the NH. As tears rolled down my cheeks, I asked her to please go give mom a kiss & tell her how much I love her. She promised she would as I wished her well and told her that I would come back some day to see her.

Be safe world and please let's all keep wearing our Masks!

"Letter To My Mom" & My Mom My Hero are both available on Amazon worldwide. Ebook, Audio, Paperback.

https://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=lisa+hirsch

A DAUGHTER'S DIARY -Part 1

July 2020

Since the pandemic took over the world, life for all of us is quite different. This certainly includes caring for our loved ones. For me, my mom has Alzheimer's for the last 16 years and lives in a nursing home. She has been in the last stages for the last 3 years, yet somehow sadly enough she will not let go.

I live in New York and every year fortunately I have been able to spend a few months with mom. I arrived in Florida this year on Jan 14th planning to be there for nine weeks. My nine weeks turned into four months yet my visits to mom's nursing home abruptly ended on March 10th. Like many of us that have a loved one in a facility we are still not able to enter to see them.

What follows are my actual notes of when I first visited mom till Covid19 hit the United States.

First visit:
Mom spoke(non stop) gibberish with her eyes mostly closed as she also spoke about her mom. I wondered if I was her mom since she also said to me "I love you". After observing her on my first day I now questioned how anyone including myself can think that those with Alzheimer's are not suffering. I will never know the real answer since she cannot tell me. Yet as I observe her I believe that she is locked in a prison with 4 walls that she never can escape from. To me it is like a living hell.

The only saving grace is that she doesn’t realize what has happened and thankfully she appears not to be in physical pain. What I have witnessed through the years which is more deadly is a slow mental death. I believe that she’s aware just that any thoughts she may have disappear as quickly as they come.

Third visit:
Mom looks so sad. Her face appears to look like skeleton, her eyes are sunken in and red. Today her mouth seemed somewhat twisted. My brother several months ago had noticed it & we questioned if she had a minor stroke. I so deeply felt that she wanted to say something to me but was unable to speak. Her eyes as she looked at me with a blank stare told me she wanted to say something but was unable. I now feel certain that she knows it’s me.  I pray that she hears my words of love to her .

My best friend whose mom passed away years ago from Alzheimer's askes me how my visit went. My response is " I tried to distance myself from being emotional about my mom. There were times I looked at her and was heartbroken". I think that I am immune from the situation yet as the evening comes to a close I can't stop thinking of her.

Fourth visit:
I believe she hears my words so as I was saying goodbye I quietly whispered that it was okay for her to go to sleep. I whispered that I think she would be happier. With her blank stare she just looked at me with a face that appeared empty. One that cried out in silence for someone (me) to help her. Years ago after being in the facility she said to me “kill me” which at the time I thought she perhaps had just made a mistake with what she wanted to say.... now that I look back & think about it I believe that was exactly what she was asking.

End of first week:
I found through the years that many times after seeing mom I needed my own escape. Many days  I would take a walk on the beach and once a week go to a movie just to clear my head from thinking. This week I went to see "Little Woman".

While watching Jo says to sister Amy, "when did you become so wise”? Amy answers "maybe I always was but you were too busy noticing all my faults". This strikes a nerve and has me remember that years ago after explaining my early relationship with mom to a friend she answered, "maybe your mom was always like this but you never noticed". I leave the theatre feeling sad wondering how many years I might have wasted.

Week 2:
Today mom's eyes with a blank stare remain open. She shakes her head yes or no when you ask her a question. She holds my hand so tightly & if not mine, then her own. She moves her arms to wipe her eyes. Today she blows me a kiss. Her eyes continue to cry out in sorrow. She seems unable to speak yet her eyes say it all. I am so certain that she sees( although she has macular degeneration) & understands what I say. She knows I am here.

Week 3:
This is not fair. I see and can feel her pain. I see it within her face. Are the words that remain unspoken crying out to help her? Today her eyes remain open and her lips remain silent as if they are forever sealed .Each and every time that I come and visit my mom it never gets easier.

Week 4:
Saw mommy at 11AM(she's better in the mornings). Showed her a picture of her great grandson(sad because she can't see images) & tried to explain who he was. I believe that she understood for her eyes opened a little wider as I spoke & then suddenly she looked at me as if to say.....then she closed her eyes and slept for the rest of our visit.

Week 5:
As I leave now to go see my mom I feel sick and have numerous sad feelings. Feelings of I can’t keep doing this. My stomach churns, I feel nauseous & I have a headache. Maybe I have been in denial.

Seeing my husband's cousin earlier in the week he had asked how my mom was doing. I responded with how this year seems so much better. He so wisely said "not really you’re just getting use to it".  My answer..."I doubt that for it is something you never get use to."

A Day of Miracles (maybe?)
Today my husband and I accidently ran into moms doctor & the social worker from hospice. Mom has been stable since they have been giving her supplements (Ensure) which is against her wishes. We also find out that the doctor has her on Synthroid(for thyroid) and he claims that both of these are partially keeping her from declining.

We state her & our wishes to get her off of both. We win (hooray)doctors orders are given to remove both. Let’s see how long this lasts before NH doctor intervenes & reissues both. Director of Hospice says we need a symptom to remove mom from nursing facility. Praying that this will cause a symptom so mom can be moved to hospices own facility to fulfill her wishes. Only the next few weeks will tell.

I go to moms room and whisper in her ear that I am trying to make her wishes come true. With tears in my eyes I share that next week I will be leaving (March 19th)to go back to NY. Oh g-d how I wish that I could give mom the peace she so desperately wants and especially before I leave.

Next day:
Mom opened her eyes & threw me a kiss then her eyes shut closed. Before I leave each year almost as she senses it she does something unusual. I know for certain that every time that I come to see her she knows that it’s me.

For the last few days my tears are tears of what I believe will be my final goodbye to my mother.

Yesterday again my mom threw me two kisses. Another miracle.

Just received unexpected call from NH. They are on lockdown. Happened right after the tragedy in Washington State. No cases but no visitors to further notice. Sad because I was going to go starting tomorrow everyday to say my goodbyes; believing that next year she will not be alive & that I will never see her again. Just hung up w my brother crying.

 Part 2 to be continued …….next week.

"Letter To My Mom" & My Mom My Hero are both available on Amazon worldwide. Ebook, Audio, Paperback.

https://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=lisa+hirsch