A Grandma's Love & Losing My Voice

A GRANDMA'S LOVE

My mom loves her one (and only) grandchild so much that Elaine has used his name to get my mom to try to do some simple things that she has refused. The first time Elaine was able to get my mom out of the house, she told me that she explained to my mom that they were going to meet Logan at the mall. "Elaine what happens when you get to the mall and Logan is not there "? Elaine replies that my mom will never remember so there is no need for me to worry.

The second big thing was that my mom has gotten so use to showering in her second bathroom, stepping into a tub ,which is more difficult for Elaine to assist mom when she needs help.  Ruthie has a nice large walk in shower located in her bathroom, that is adjacent to her bedroom. This shower would be so much better for my mom to get use to using .

While I am visiting her I choose to shower in there daily. My mom keeps asking me where I go and she does not realize that she has this shower.  Elaine and I finally get my mom to shower in there by telling her that Logan loves to shower in her bathroom. It took several days of convincing, and mom finally gave in.  So now everyone is happy, especially Elaine. These two simple little nothings are not such little nothings to my mom who has Alzheimer's. For whatever reason, or for no reason, my mom has to do things her way, and sometimes using Logan her grandson as a ploy, is not such a bad thing. Logan we all thank you.

LOSING MY VOICE

When I arrived in Florida to see my mom, I felt like I was getting sick.  Yes, I am one of those people that believe that our illnesses’ are connected to our mental state!  Anyway after my five day visit, the day before I was leaving I started to lose my voice.  The day I left for the airport to travel back home, it was raining quite hard.  My mom asked me to stay another day.  She then asks where I was going, and I answer” back home”.  My mom responds with why?  And I say because I have to, and mom says please stay here, and I say I can’t.

 I thank Elaine for taking such good care of my mom, and ask how can I kidnap her? (In a joking way).  Elaine tells me how much she likes my mom, because her experience of some Alzheimer patients is that they get difficult and angry, and that my mom is so sweet.

Saying goodbye to mom was difficult and I knew that I would not be seeing her for a while.  My brother Gil takes me to the airport, and we discuss how I’d love for mom to move up by me.  Gil is in agreement with that, although we both say that we doubt she will move. This of course saddens me greatly.

Sitting at the airport I have eye contact with an elderly attractive lady.  After she passes by me, tears flow from my eyes. Getting old can at times can be a little frightening to me.  Our lives have gone by so quickly and we do not get to pick and choose how our finale will be, or when, or at what age.

Getting Ready to Leave Mom's

GETTING READY TO LEAVE MOM’S  -Jan 2010

Friday morning at 7:30 AM my mom and I awake around the same time.  I tell her to go brush her hair and her teeth.  Mom enters the bathroom where I am, and picks up her toothbrush and starts to comb her hair.  Perhaps she meant to brush her teeth because I did say hair and teeth at the same time.  Yet the confusion is there for my sweet mom.  Describing this seems sad, like she’s a lost child not knowing what to do.  A little while later she just knocks on my door to see if I’m still here.  Last night she asks my brother when I’m in another room “is Lisa coming and when?” So I call out and she opens the bedroom door and see’s me smiling at her.  I blow her a big kiss she laughs and reaches out to catch it.  She then tells me that she’s cold and I tell her to put on some pants and socks.  My mom is in her own home with her surroundings, and she asks me where her pants are.  I tell her in her bedroom closet and I wonder if she will be able to find them.

Since I did arrive here it has been extremely cold.  This was a very cold winter for the Floridians. The five days that I was here was quite chilly.  We had one nice warm day reaching 72 degrees.  I decided to take my mom out on what I thought would be a lovely walk.  She started to say that she didn’t want to walk so far, which was only a very short distance from her front door.  So I took her to sit in the sun at the swimming pool that her and my dad use to go to all the time.  My mom would go in the swimming pool, and do some exercise with some of her friends and neighbors.  My dad would swim lots of laps.  He was a great swimmer (just like Johnny Weissmuller). As a young man he swam on his high school varsity swimming team.

 The whole time that I sat there with my mom, enjoying the sun beating on our faces, breathing the fresh air, my mom complained that her back hurt, that she wanted to go back home.  I was able to get her to smile and find some humor in her complaining.  Of course she said that she was not complaining.  I tried to encourage her to stay outside and said “mom there are invalids who cannot go out so let’s just be thankful and enjoy the day, instead of sitting in a dark room watching the television”.  My mom says “why I like it there”.  This is the disease talking, not my mom.  I get a little upset and tell her that she’ll have plenty of time to be in the dark after she passes away.  She says nothing and we sit for a little while longer before she starts to complain again.  I then realize that I should walk back with her to her safe domain.

 Later that day my brother takes us to her clubhouse. A place where she once enjoyed and loved to go.  My mom was arguing with us that there is no clubhouse so we had to go there to show her that it did exist.  As we were at her clubhouse my mom was approached by a neighbor who says hello and says” I know you from the swimming pool and I haven’t seen you in approximately 5-6 years”.  My mom who has no idea who this women is starts to chatter away (she loves to talk to people). So why does she hide in her house, and make every excuse not to go out?  This lovely lady showed such kindness and support telling my mom about all the clubs and lectures.  She said she remembered how much my mom use to enjoy going to them. My mom seems quite aware and seemed to understand.  Mom then starts to sing and dance for this lady, who I then explain to her, that my mom has Alzheimer’s.

 When my brother and I try to encourage my mom to go out and be more active she says “no just leave me alone. “ The more I see, I think I understand why my mom just wants to hide out in her safe surroundings.  For some strange reason I believe that my mom is aware of what is happening to her.  Yet as her daughter who loves her so much I feel pain in my heart for her. How can I not be able to protect my mom from any fears she may have.  My mom who has added such recent joy to our relationship is my mom and very much my hero.  Somehow when I am with her I too feel locked in part of her prison.

Tomorrow I leave and I have such mixed feelings.  Should I bring her back to NY, her home where she was born, taking her away from the place that she now calls home?  This home that she shared with my dad for the last 20 years.  Or must I live by her wishes and leave her in her home that offers for her a safe haven?

 My father- in -law recently at the age of 95 years old, passed away.  He also wished to stay in his home.  When I get to that stage in my life, and hopefully I will, will I also feel the same? Maybe it’s like removing them from their homes without them wanting to, is telling them, that the time is coming to an end whether it is 1 month or ten years left.  I only want to do what is the very best for my mom and to be able to see her as much as I can, and share with her whatever time is left for her, remembering who I am.

Precious Moments

PRECIOUS MOMENTS

I'd love to share with you my thoughts and feelings of 2 special phone calls that I had with my mom today and yesterday. First I'd like to explain why they are so special to me. My mom, who is also Ruthie, suffers from Alzheimer's disease. As of now we speak on the telephone each and every day and I visit her every few months. I am able to delight in the majority of our phone calls which I find her usually cheerful, and at moments, filling my ears with her wisdom. When I am visiting her, then I get to see how this disease has caused her to revert back to  being a child.  Being one of her caregivers from long distant, trust me, is definately easier. My heart seems to delight with things we share on the phone, and when I am visiting her, it can feel perhaps a little broken.  I do always celebrate all that we still can share.  I love when she calls out my name.  It brings music to my ears and warms my heart.  Anyway, here are the 2 phone conversations that we just shared.

Ruthie's phone service was out of order and I was not able to speak to her for two days.  I did speak to Elaine her caregiver, each day to know that my mom was doing just fine. When mom's phone service was corrected I called her and told her how I was so sorry that I could not hear her cheerful voice.  I explained that her telephone was not working.  First, my mom would not even remember if I called and she would  certainly not  remember if her phone even rang .  So my mom says to me while we are speaking "that's okay I do not have a telephone".  I say to myself, sure mom what do you think we are speaking on .This put a big smile on my face.  I choose not to explain to her about all our touching converstions on the phone each day. Why even bother?

The next day Ruthie knew quite well that she had a telephone and could even spell the word, as usual in two seconds flat.  You see ,I understand that when she did not know what a telephone was, it was her disease talking.  I continue to ask her to spell several words which she does like a champion.  One of the words I ask her to spell is adorable.  Right after Ruthie spells it correctly, I tell her that she is so adorable. She lets out such a joyful laugh, and we both rejoice in her "laughter" together.  After we stop laughing, I ask my mom what was so funny and my mom says to me ,"I find that funny because I do not think I'm adorable, and if you do that's  really great".

Well mom you are more than adorable to me and thank you for sharing two precious moments for me to always remember.  Thank you for being my mom, and thank you even more for becoming my hero.

Still At Mom's(continued)

STILL AT MOM’S

The next day, my mom asks me what day it is, and I say Thursday, she then asks me what time it is and I say its 12 noon/lunchtime. Mom says its dark outside and when I look out I see the bright sun shining with a clear blue sky.  She goes from telling me jokes to in and out of “normalcy”.  I ask her to spell normal and she spells it in 2 seconds flat. The brain is quite amazing.  She can spell words immediately without writing anything down.  How can she not know what day it is, what time it is, or even notice that the sun is shining?

I’ll be leaving to go back to New York in two days.  I had started writing in a journal which I titled My Mom, My Hero to help ease some pain, and to also delight in all our uplifting conversations on the telephone while I’m back at my home.  I brought my writing journals on the trip with me.  The first thing I ever wrote about my mom, with tears running down my face I read it to her.  My mom responds by saying, “Lisa you write very well” and I say thank you.  I am just so touched that she was able to understand what I read her.

Today, I finally get to meet Elaine, and see how happy my mom is around her.  I have been hearing about and speaking to Elaine for months.  Elaine is just so lovely, caring and warm.  I know in my heart that without her, my mom would be lost. My mom’s disease (not my mom speaking) would say that she does not like her and refuses to remember her name. Currently my mom looks forward to Elaine’s visits to her every day.  Elaine makes sure that Ruthie is showered, dressed, brushes her teeth and eats a well balanced meal. Of course some things never change, and Ruthie will still say to me, who's Elaine?

Second Day- Visiting Mom

SECOND DAY- VISITING MOM

When I awake the second day of my visit, and walk into mom’s living room, and see all her beautiful things, and open her dining room cabinet, I see why she does not want to leave her home.  As for now she does not have to.

 In the morning after mom gets up and she sees me, she becomes so funny and cute.  She sees me making instant coffee in the microwave and she asks me how did I warm it up?  I tell her in the microwave and she asks me where the microwave is?  I point and mom says I don’t even remember how to use it, and I say “that’s because you are Princess Ruthie. You don’t cook, clean or run the wash anymore, you are a real Princess”. We both laugh and this has become an ongoing joviality.  Ruthie then says from nowhere,” why I don’t look pretty enough for you”, and we both laugh. My mom is naturally pretty, and I tell her so.

The next day we take my mom out for lunch and to the supermarket.  She pushes the cart and after going home we unpack the food. My mom is looking all over for her pocketbook and then opens the refrigerator to look for it.  My brother asks her why she is looking in the refrigerator and she says” I don’t know where should I look” and we tell her to look in her bedroom.  She then asks where her bedroom is.  Sometimes she’s okay and moments like this you certainly do see the effects of the Alzheimer’s disease.  Mom also becomes like a child with all her questions.

While waiting for my brother to come pick us up the next day, to go out with my mom, she keeps walking around in circles, pacing back and forth and asking me over and over who’s coming.  I keep answering her and it’s something I had experienced with my husband, after he fell off a retaining wall and had a concussion. He kept asking me the same question over and over again even after I gave him the answers.  It was like a record that had a scratch and keeps playing the same word over and over.  

Mom starts to tell me that she cannot go anywhere because her car was taken away from her. My brother said that it was parked outside for 2 years and she never used it. She had once told me several years ago that when she went to her doctor she couldn’t find his office and she kept getting lost.  She said that she did not understand it, because she had been there so many times.  I did not know why then, and as I look back I understand that her Alzheimer’s was starting to take over.  I guess that is why she wouldn’t drive her car.  She knew something was happening, she just wouldn’t say what.  I found myself feeling like I wanted to scream, which of course I didn’t.  Everything that was happening to her she had no control over.  How could my mom just sit in her house for six days a week just watching a television?  What was I going to be able to do for her?  I felt lost and in my heart and I just knew that whatever time that I had with her was something to really cherish.

Virtual Candlelight Rally | Alzheimer's Association

Virtual Candlelight Rally Alzheimer's Association: "About the Rally

On the evening of May 15, 2011, advocates gathered at the nation's Capitol to share their stories and light candles in honor of loved ones. This moving ceremony is part of the Alzheimer's Association Advocacy Forum. Add your support by joining our Virtual Rally

Mama Mia the Dancing Queen

MAMA MIA THE DANCING QUEEN

I arrive at my mom’s on Tuesday Jan 5^th, 2010 to find her looking surprisingly well.  She greets me at her door with her smiling face.  My brother is with me since he picked me up at the airport.  I tell her how good she looks and she answers upbeat and happy, “well I’m not so young for someone who looks so good”.  I account for how good she looks to Elaine her part time caregiver, who is now with my mom for 6 months. I notice how nice my mom’s nails are polished and ask if Elaine polished them for her.  At first mom says whose Elaine and then says” no, some other lady came to my house and did my nails.” I think to myself, okay mom and say nothing, knowing very well that it was Elaine who polished her nails.

On her bathroom walls are new signs since my last visit several months ago.  The signs say; Flush Toilet and Brush Teeth that my brother has made for her.  She starts to dance and asks where Bert, my husband is (who is her “official” dancing partner.)  Mom then starts to dance with my brother and me.  I tell my brother that whatever she is on (which is nothing) I’d like to take it also.  

Her dancing all started while visiting us in the summer of 2008. My son Logan took my mom to see the movie Mama Mia and then to lunch. My mom after that was dancing around each and every day until she left.  I never saw her do that.  She was dancing mostly with Bert, laughing, having a great time and counting 1-2, 1-2-3 and telling him to follow her lead.  After that for almost a year on the phone and while I had visited she would dance and tell me over and over again how she taught Bert how to dance.  She was so proud of herself (by the way Bert is a very good dancer).  This is how Ruthie got the official name of” Mama Mia the Dancing Queen”.

Later that day when Bert calls, I put her on the phone, and she tells him to wait and says to me” who is Bert”?   I answer and say my husband and she looks at me as if to say your husband ? Looking a little confused they seem to speak about 1-2, 1-2-3 their dancing steps that they had shared together.                   

It’s now 3 summers since we all danced together, and at moments when I ask her about how’s her dancing going, she rarely remembers it.  Those memories have slipped away. Yet Ruthie, sweet Ruthie seems so thankful and happy just to be alive, and she will always remain to me, Mama Mia the Dancing Queen.

Yesterday and Today

YESTERDAY AND TODAY

Let me start with yesterday's phone call with my mom.  It felt special because my mom gave me her words of wisdom about her grandson.

I had shared with Ruthie that we were all going to my husbands cousins daughter's wedding. I told mom that Logan was bringing his girlfriend ,which was so nice because he has wanted her to meet some of his family. I had mentioned, that Logan had wanted to bring her to another family wedding, and was not able to, because the bride was limited on the amount of guests.

I then shared with my mom that on Thursday, Logan was going with his girlfriend to Paris, Barcelona and Madrid for two weeks. I find this exciting and  mom replied "that's really nice".My next comment was "mom, Logan says that they are not serious, what do you think"?  My mom who doesn't remember my husband of thirty years, nor any of his family, at the age of (almost)87 years old with Alzheimer's say to me, "well maybe Logan isn't sure what he wants".

Wow, what a great answer. I laugh and say "mom you are pretty amazing with all your wisdom" and my mom then says "thank you that's very nice what you just said to me". A big smile comes across my face.You have to understand all the things my mom can no longer do or remember so when she says something like this, where her mind is still so sharp it sends thrills (not chills) up my body. How special this is to me.

Today's phone call left me more in thought and maybe feeling a little sad. Today my mom sounded not so perky and when I shared about yesterday going to the wedding, and Logan and his trip to Europe, my mom had very little enthusiam in her voice. She seemed distant and not to really care.

 Logan is her one and only grandson and I know how much she adores him. I then tell my mom that Logan wants to come with me when I come back to visit her. Mom asks me when, and I answer, in a few months.  I then share with her that Logan was there less then a year ago ,and that it is not always easy for him to get away.  My mom then says to me , Lisa I really don't remember anything. She definately had a sadness to her voice. I tried to make her laugh and this time I did not succeed. Even when we were going to hang up and I asked her to throw me kisses( like we always do) there was little response.

My head went into the thoughts of my husbands uncle(who we just saw at the wedding)who at the age of 88 is still driving and going all over.

I felt a pang in my heart and a sadness for my mom.  Then I thought of how my husband's mother had passed away when he was 18 years old, and once again felt thankful that I still have my mom. This is where I need to stay for as her disease progresses it will  probably get worse for her and me.

Gratitude that is where I must stay. Thankful for all that we still do have, and not for what my mom does not have anymore.  Another life's lesson.

Gratitude

GRATITUDE

I share with my mom when I’m feeling excited, sad, upset and even frustrated.  I like to hear what she has to say and I guess that’s the “little girl” in me that wants her mom to celebrate my joys, and sympathize with something that might be bothering me.  Sometimes I feel sad, that when I share something wonderful with her she will not really remember it.  Sharing any of my joy with her, especially Logan’s accomplishments is very temporary for her, and still I am so thankful that I can still have any part of my mom.  You might say that I’m filled with much gratitude for what we still have.

My mom is still feisty and although she seems to be bored, she does sound almost each and every day happy.   She is still a wonderful speller and I like to challenge her to spell to help stimulate her mind.  Mom chooses not to leave her home and when she does go out she only wants to return home immediately.   Elaine her caregiver takes wonderful care of her and makes sure that she eats, takes a shower, brushes her teeth and wears clean clothes. 

Yesterday I told my mom what I was doing for the day, and Ruthie asked me once again, like she does so frequently now, if I would then come over and visit.  I tell mom that I cannot because I live far away. (I know I blogged about this in yesterday’s blog. I don’t write the script, my mom does.)  Mom answers this time by saying, “I understand”.  I actually think that she might really be remembering this.  Or maybe she is just saying it.  It doesn’t really matter as long as she still remembers me.  They call it gratitude!

Going Out

GOING OUT

 At the end of January, 2009 my mom went out to dinner with my brother a little after I had visited her, which is something she hardly ever did.  Their Wednesday dates are always for lunch.  She started telling me what a nice time she had, so of course I started to encourage her, that if she were to go out more, she might really enjoy herself, and not be bored.  My mom got a little adamant to me about this.  It must have struck some nerve.  At first she said defensively, “who doesn’t go out, you think I stay in all the time"?  I like to go places and do things why would that change”?

I had tried to encourage her as I have done many times before, yet given her illness, I have read that some people become not interested in things, and want to remain in their home, which feels to them as a safe environment.  They also insist on wearing the same clothes every day. This is definitely how my mom has become since she became ill with Alzheimer's disease.

 My mom somehow changes the conversation and says to me,” I miss you, please come and visit” and I say” mom I miss you also and do you remember that I was just there ?"  She answers yes, although I do not think that she really does remember (maybe slightly).  Then she replies” it’s easier for you to come visit me, than for me to come to you.”  I know mom.  I’m just sad that we do not live near one another” and we go back into the same conversation that never changes.  She then tells me how much she loves her home and that I should move in with her (of course rent free).  On a lighter note, maybe I should take her up on it.   I am only kidding.

As I read this entry to put into my blog, I realize that now which is May 2011 my mom has not changed that radically.  Yes her memory is almost all lost yet she seems to be somewhere in the same place.  How lucky I still am, that in so many ways my mom is still with me.  As I have mentioned before I am so fortunate that I can still find so much joy ,in all that we still have left and not focus on all that has been taken.

Brother Gil, Mom & Me

BROTHER GIL, MOM AND ME

The next time I saw my mom and my brother he had just returned from living in Mexico.  I had spoken to him every several weeks while he was away.  Logan and I went to visit my mom in January and found her once spotless, meticulous home a dirty mess.   Her bathrooms and kitchen were pretty disgusting.  There was dirt and grease all over the kitchen cabinets and you could not even see yourself in her bathroom mirrors.  Her bedroom had a strong smell of being musty and I felt like her belongings had mildew all over them.

 I was suppose to sleep alongside mom in her bed, and I would not.  Instead I shared a bed with my 21 year old son.  May I ask, how weird is that?   I just could not bare to sleep in the same room with my mom, where at one time, I would have never have thought differently.

My brother, Logan and I sat her down to speak to her about her needing and getting her someone to help her.  Her feisty strong self said no, and we all kept after her till she finally gave in.  My brother got someone to come in, for a few hours, a couple of days a week. That helped a little.  As time went on my brother met Elaine who has become my mom’s caregiver. Elaine is just fabulous. She comes six days a week for 4 hours a day.  

We wish that we had more funds so we could have Elaine be with mom, for more hours each day.   As for now this seems to be okay.   We do realize that as her condition worsens we will have to make other arrangements.  My mom is absolutely amazing to me.   Her strength and courage is so inspiring.

Yesterday we celebrated Mother’s Day, and for me although, I could not be with my mom, when I called her I expressed to her how deeply I love her, and that I celebrate who she is each and every day.

FACT- 5.4 Million Americans are living with Alzheimer's Disease. Alzheimer's is a worldwide diseaes effecting every country.

My" Different " Mom

MY “DIFFERENT “MOM

Several years ago my mom came up to visit and I had known that she was starting to lose her memory (to dementia.)   Yet I was not prepared to see what I saw.

 My brother’s wife at the time, while my brother was visiting Mexico, helped my mom pack and put her safely on the airplane to New Jersey.  We had moved to our weekend house just one hour from Manhattan which was located in Sparta, NJ.   Our home was located on a mountain and had the most breathtaking views of Lake Mohawk.  My mom really loved the house and I thought this would be good for her to come up and visit.  She sat alone in her house everyday and I looked very much forward to taking her out.  I was not prepared for how she would be, or look, as I met her at the gate at Newark Airport.  

Mom had become so thin and frail with scabs all over her face and body. I felt literally sick.  In six short months, since my mom had been up for Thanksgiving, my mom had changed both physically and mentally.  How could there be such a decline in her well being in only a few months?  Was she being taken care of?  Who was around to care for her?  Who made sure she was eating, or showering?  Her visit was quite lovely and I found myself crying quite alot, without her knowing it.  My heart ached and Logan, Bert & I tried to convince her to move up North from Florida to be near all of us.  I could not understand why she refused to come live near us, so I and especially Logan could see her more often.

The last day of her trip was ending, and I took her to the airport.  I was extremely upset to see her leave.  When we got into the car she asked me to help her with the seatbelt and then I literally backed my car out of the garage with the door closed.  The glass windows on the garage door all shattered and my car was damaged.  I was so upset between my mom and the damage to my car that I started cursing and my mom said to me calmly, “this should be the worst thing that ever happens to you” and I looked at my mom and knew how right she was. The only thing she did not know was how very upset I was, not only to see her go, but how would, or could I take care of my mom?

 My heart was breaking and for the next year or so I felt lost, upset and not knowing how or what I could do to help her.  My brother was still in Mexico and his wife was checking in on my mom.  Her memory was better back then, although she now was entering more into the “world “as an Alzheimer patient.  She was not eating and that was why she had lost so much weight.

Her clothes were not fitting and her eye sight was getting worse.  She was looking disheveled and starting to look like a bag lady.  Have you ever felt helpless?  I was feeling so terrible and not knowing what to do.  Bert said that I could not make her move to New York and I certainly could not move to Florida.

My Dream

MY DREAM

My blogging today is so different than I had expected to be writing about.  Last night I watched with my husband the CNN special with Larry King on Alzheimer's disease.  During the show my husband turned to me and asked if I was concerned about getting Alzheimer's, especially since my mom suffers from it.  In a light way I responded saying not really.

 I agreed with the people that were interviewed ,whole heartily, that if there is no cure or prevention( at the moment )why would I even want to know if I had the beginning stages.  So I choose not to worry or concern myself now for what might lie ahead.

I awoke this morning from a dream that seemed to leave me in a fog.  It was so real and disturbing to me.  It was a dream about my dad ,who passed away in 1995(not from Alzheimer's) . He and I were crying while we sat across a table from each other.  My dad kept closing his eyes, saying that he did not want to see me, since he could not be with me, or touch me(he was deceased in my dream.)  I remember wanting to reach out and hug him and yet I knew that was not possible, since he was a ghost.  In all the years since his death ,I do not have that many dreams about him ,and certainly ones that seem so real.

I went to the gym and while I was exercising I thought ;could the dream perhaps been in some ways also about my mom?  Yes, it was images from the televison show. Eventually most people who have Alzheimer's, go into the state of not knowing who anyone is and especially their family member's .  So I thought, that my dad(who really was my mom in the dream) did not want to look at me for knowing that one day that my mom will no longer know who I am. 

For now I can live with the joy, that my mom still knows who I am. Everday I hold on and cherish that so very nuch. Everyday, I look forward to calling her to hear her cheerful voice. Yes, some days are more difficult than others, yet for now ,there seems to be more good days than not.

 Is my realization(my dream) that one day, my mom will not know who I am?   As for now I need and choose to stay in the space of how lucky I am, that she still  does know who I am.

FACT-Every 69 Seconds Someone In The United State Is Diagnosed With Alzheimer's disease.

Finally,Alzheimer's is getting so much attention that it so badly needs. This really is a worldwide epidemic.
Thanks for helping us spread awareness.

Everyday Is Mom's Day & Disney World

When I spoke to mom today I mentioned that this Sunday would be Mother's Day. I told her how sorry I was that I would not be able to spend it with her, due to the distance, that we live apart.. Ruthie said "that's okay, I understand ". My reply was "mom I celebrate how much I love you and how special you are to me everyday". Mom laughed. I then said "mom to me I celebrate you as being my mom each and every day of the year". We thru our kisses and then hung up.

What I realized was how true this now was for me, and I felt in my heart so much love and wamrth to her. What a wonderful feeling since this was not the way I always felt. The love I feel for mom now, could melt  all the ice in Antartica.

DISNEY WORLD

A bonding memory with my mom was 16 years ago when my dad was suffering greatly and slowly dying, I spoke to my mom everyday for 9 months.  I flew down to be with her, and especially to see my dad, once a month.   I remember all of those times spent with my mom and remember how well we got along, and how close we seemed at the time.   It was special to be mother & daughter.

 After my dad passed away Logan, Bert & I flew to Disney World in Orlando, Florida.   We flew my mom over to spend time with us at Disney World.   I remember what a great time we all had as a family (of course missing my dad).  So how, where and why did my mom and I stop getting along and going at each other.  When and why did this begin?