THE WORLD SHE NOW LIVES IN
In a few days I will be arriving in Florida to see my mother. I did this for the last three years, allowing me to spend an entire month with her. I usually feel a combination of excitement and nervousness yet this year, I am scared.
My brother recently sent me a video which upset me. Mom seemed far more advanced, almost as if she did not exist. She said a few words, was unresponsive not having much expression. I am hoping that with my daily visits she will somehow reappear.
This past Friday night as I was thinking I knew all too well that she had no idea of the day, time or year. She is unaware that I will soon be coming to see her. She most likely has no idea that I even exist. The world that is so present in my universe does not exist in hers.
It feels as if Alzheimer's has taken over. It has conquered and left mom with little awareness of any life on this planet. She is locked away in a land of make believe, a land of no existence. I am grateful that she appears not to be suffering.
This journey that we are now on is getting much more difficult. I am filled with guilt and sadness, at moments wanting her to go to sleep. How could I wish for this with my own mother? Am I cruel, or am I humane?
While she is still alive she rarely ever smiles. When someone with Alzheimer's does not smile, and shows little emotion, it appears that they are nearing the end. In mom's case, I have to believe, given her constitution, the end is not so near.
I miss her deeply and being able to touch her face and hold her hand should be enough, yet it still sharply pains me. How I yearn to share my life with her and wish that she could really understand when I whisper the words " I love you".
Alzheimer's is a cruel disease that wipes away ones dignity and life as it enters and attacks their brain cells. Some people succumb rather quickly while my mother has Alzheimer's for fourteen years and still counting.
At this moment many scientists are searching for a prevention or cure and are hoping that within 15- 20 years it will come. That is a long time away but for future generations it would be a blessing.
MY MOM MY HERO - A mother & daughters new found love. http://www.amazon.com/Mom-Hero-Alzheimers--daughters-bittersweet/dp/0615773982/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1454248406&sr=8-1&keywords=lisa+hirsch
Every time I read your blog it's like I could have written it. I'm only 45 min drive from my mom's long term care home so I'm able to see her at least once a week but how you describe your mom is precisely how my mom is. Christmas was such a family oriented time for my mom and she loved it so much. Today I will visit her by myself, my 82 year old father is under the weather with a bad cold and it's gotta be bad for him not to come with me. Bittersweet that I can spend time with mom alone on this special day. Then I will drive an hour to my sister's for dinner and I suspect very few family will even ask about our parents, it's like they consider them dead already. I will enjoy my time with mom and reflect on past Christmases with her, I'm convinced she understands some of what I say, she just can't communicate back. Enjoy the time with your mom and thank you for writing your blog! Merry Christmas
ReplyDeleteMorgan I am so sorry that you and I walk down a similar path. This is a tough journey yet also one to appreciate every moment we share and have with our mothers. Merry Christmas to you and a Healthy Happy New Year. Hugs, Lisa
DeleteMy experience is different than yours. I feel certain she completely understands when you tell her you love her. And perhaps more important, the FEELS it. I no longer believe dementia robs people of their dignity. Rather, I believe we rob them of their dignity in the ways we treat them.
ReplyDeleteOn wishing for her to "go to sleep," I offer this poem, which I wrote several years ago when my own mother appeared to be dying:
http://myalzheimersstory.com/2016/04/07/a-daughters-prayer-to-god/
Mom died in August this year and I wrote this:
http://myalzheimersstory.com/2016/08/20/dying-with-my-mom/
I'm sorry your journey is becoming more painful for you, I hope you find peace and healing.
Thanks for taking the time to reach out to me with your thoughts and sharing your poem. I'm not sure how you think "we" rob our loved one's of their dignity by how we treat them? I am so sorry about the passing of your mom. If you have read any of my blogs or have followed me through the years I am sure that my love & commitment to my mother truly shines through. Hope you have a Happy 2017. Lisa
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