This picture was taken about 6 years ago (mom had AD yet she was still at home). I wrote this blog post in December 2016(not that long ago). So much has changed with mom since then.
She caught a really bad cold and for over a month she now lays most of the time with her eyes shut. She appears to be "lifeless" except for a few moments that I was able to capture with her during my month long visit(January 2017).
Blog Post- Dec 2016
My brother called me the other day while he was visiting our mother at the nursing home. I unfortunately missed the call yet he left a message asking mom to say hello to me. Hearing her say "Hi Lisa," immediately brought me back to a time when mom was whole. Her voice was filled with strength and definition.
Mom sounded as if she was free and clear of Alzheimer's. Her voice and tone was the mom that I always knew. I wondered how this could be. Is it possible that mom still has moments of being herself? At these times could she have a flashing thought wondering what is happening to her? A thought that disappears as quickly as it comes.
I will never know the answers and maybe it's better that way. My desire is only to protect her from anything that can cause her heartache or pain. I wish to cuddle her in my arms, as if she were my own child and reassure her that everything will be okay.
I realize that what is left with mom is to try to enjoy whatever moments we have together. I want to sit with her, talk to her, touch her and hold her. I want to sing with her, laugh with her, and just be there for her. I want to show her and have her feel all the love I have for her; never questioning whether she knows if I am her daughter.
There are things that we can never get back yet I want to remember the things that I loved, and also the things she did that drove me crazy. I want to remember her lectures to me, her humor, her support and all her imperfections. She was never perfect yet neither was I.
She is still my mom, and the journey that we have been on together for over fourteen years has at times been difficult yet, mostly, one filled with love.
I cannot take Alzheimer's from her and though it breaks my heart as I watch her disappear, it has opened my heart to a place that I did not realize even existed. It has made me closer with her and has turned my love into one that is unconditional.
MY MOM MY HERO - A mother & daughters new found love. http://www.amazon.com/Mom-Hero-Alzheimers--daughters-bittersweet/dp/0615773982/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1454248406&sr=8-1&keywords=lisa+hirsch
tough journey, my dear friend
ReplyDeletexoxo
DeleteYour post today brought tears to my eyes. Although we are strangers, I wanted to reach through the computer and hug you! Your words so eloquently put into perspective what this disease does to everyone affected. I truly believe there are moments of lucidity with this disease. I also believe that while those affected by the disease may not know time, place, moments and so forth, they do recognize love. I've been reading your blog for quite some time now and I can certainly say, you have given and continue to give many moments of LOVE to your Mom. Wishing you many blessings.
ReplyDeleteSincerely
Kerri
(lost my 62 year old Mother to this horrible disease in July 2014)
Kerri I wish that I could just reach out and give you a big, big hug. I am also so sorry about your mom. She was so young. Please know that I am always here for you.
DeleteSuch a great post Lisa that I can relate to. Whenever I am with my Mom I am always looking for the small signs of who she used to be. Usually it's a hand gesture, word or phrase she used to say, or inflection in her voice. You have been on this journey a long time with your mom. It's nice to know that you are still seeing things that remind you of who she used to be and my hope for you is that continues.
ReplyDeleteSandy I reatly appreciate your supportive kind words. To our mom's....love & respect.
DeleteMy Dear Lisa
ReplyDeleteMy heart breaks for you because I know what you are going through right now. My Mom got a cold also and this is so hard to watch and be a part of. The one thing I would do is sing our song to her very quietly because I really can't sing and when I would stop because I was either overwhelmed with emotion and could not talk she would come from where ever she existed and add the word and together we would get through You are My Sunshine. She is there so take this time to tell her whatever you need to because she is there my dear. I hope you can feel the hug I am sending you and the love and support. Love Carol
Carol What a sweet memory yet somehow this disease including all of its ugliness also can fascinate me. What I wouldn't pay to know what our moms were really thinking. Hugs Lisa ��
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