MANY MOONS AGO

MANY MOONS AGO

Last night I awoke from a dream that I only wanted to return to. I desperately tried and yet I could not slide back into it. This dream touched me in such a deep loving way and left me feeling a passion for seeing my parents reuniting. In my dream my father came to visit my mother and I saw him gazing at her with deep love and affection. He mystically returned, yet I do not know from where. Mom was thrilled to see him and at that moment her Alzheimer's seemed to all but disappear. She was in her glory.

I then turned to my father and spoke these words, "Mommy is doing so good since you came back," and at that very moment my eyes opened from my dream. I knew none of this could be true for my father passed away eighteen years ago. It is so rare that I ever dream of either of them. Yet this dream left me lying in bed with a strong feeling of peacefulness and warmth. It also left me with sentimental memories of my childhood.


When I awoke in the morning I felt all my love emanating from my soul for my parents. A yearning to be a child again and wanting to feel the security in both their arms. Later that morning after I had spoken to my mother I was left with an overwhelming saddness. When I phoned, I heard her question Trudy her cargiver, who Lisa was. Trudy, answered "your daughter." I shared with her that she was my mother and that she was the one who had given me my birth name, of Elissa Robin . Mom then said, "that is a very beautiful name."

I found that what I was left with was to reflect  on my childhood, my parents and thinking of my own mortality. As the day moved on I felt myself feeling lighter and once again, I was able to be grateful for all the love that my mom and I still can share. My childhood was many moons ago and fortunately for me, my life has continously moved on.

I am so aware of  savoring these special times with her, and it is so important for me to live in the moment. I recently heard a quote from Mother Theresa that I just loved,"we cannot do great things, we can do little things with great love." And to this, I say Amen!

WHEN ARE YOU COMING TO VISIT ?

 WHEN ARE YOU COMING TO VISIT ?

This picture was taken this past December when I went with my husband to visit my mom. We were in Florida and we were able to see her for six wonderful days . Thiis visit was special, for not only did I get to spend precious time with her, mom also had several good days. One day that I spent with her, in many ways felt like a miracle.

The moment that I returned home, mom had no idea that I was just with her, or maybe in some ways she did(which I will never know). For most days after my return she would question me about when I was coming to visit her. I will not be returning till March, yet I will be surprising mom by bringing with me her one and only grandchild. In the past mom adored Logan and today she does not remember who he is nor his name. Yet when he does visit she lights up, and you can feel all the love and joy that resonates within her.

Mom no longer understands time. I think for her time stands still or maybe it is all rolled into one. Days, weeks, and months all have little meaning to her. Although when I answer her that I will be coming in several months she does not seem joyous, yet when I say in a few weeks she is delighted that it will be soon .

Sometimes she requests that I should come over the same day that I am speaking to her. Of course I explain to her that I live far away in NYC, and that I would need to get on a plane. Mom usually has difficulty understanding this and she is also surprised about where I live. I wonder why I even try to explain this to her . Maybe it is because I refuse to give into this disease.

As our phone calls come to an end each day, I collect my daily kisses from her. These kisses mean the world to me. Today she was so cute for after she threw me her kisses, she added in by saying "Lisa why don't you just save them." With an overjoyed heart and a huge smile on my face I said ,"mom this is a really great idea."

I feel so blessed because my mother has been doing so well these last several months. I know how strange this disease is, and how it effects her in many different ways. Alzheimer's steals her fondest memories and yet for her and I it cannot take away the bond of love that we share.

If I had to think what is the hardest part for me, it certainly is the distance that lies between us. The ocean may separate us ,yet my heart is always with her as we travel together on this journey.So each time I hear mom say "when are you coming to visit ," I feel quite lucky and I am always thrilled to hear her words.

SPECIAL VIDEO PLEASE WATCH

This is a video that a college student made interviewing me about my mom and her illness. Her assignment was to do a video with a caregiver on Alzheimer's . She found me through my blog and contacted me. Of course I was willing to help her with her college project.

She just sent me the video and she posted it on You Tube. When I saw it it just touched my heart. I'd like to share it with you. Maybe we can all make the video go viral.

 Please watch it's only 2 minutes long. Thanks Lisa

http://www.youtube.com/embed/IiOTuYu-jc4?rel=0

WHAT IS A MOTHER & A DAUGHTER ?

WHAT IS A MOTHER & DAUGHTER ?

The other day when I hung up the phone with my mother, I wondered what was the meaning of a mother and a daughter . How do I describe it and what does it mean to me? At certain moments she forgets who I am. Sometimes she thinks that I am either a friend, or even her own mother. In my heart I believe that she knows that I am her daughter. Yet there are the moments when she may not always be able to express it. The relationship is an inexplicable bond that cannot be broken.

Regardless of the different feelings I might have had towards her through my years of growing up, she was always my mother, and I was always her daughter.

I found several different descriptions : A mother is a woman who conceived you and went through the birthing experience. A person who raises a child is a mother. A person who loves and cares for a child is a mother. Essentially your mother is the woman who raises you and cares for you. On the other hand the dictionary states that a daughter is a female child or person in relation to her parents. In this instance it is my mother.

When I called her the other day she was the one to answer, which rarely happens. I excitedly said "hi mom, it's your daughter on the phone." Mom's quick response with a big question in her voice was "you are my daughter?" "Yes mom you gave birth to me , as I continued to explain to her that she was my mother and I was her daughter." Mom declared that this was good, yet did she truly understand who I was?

The following day when I spoke to mom she sounded alert.  I could tell by what she was saying that she was having a rather good day. So bravely, I asked her the question of what is the meaning of a daughter to her. Mom intimately declared that it was somebody that you loved and then added in that everybody loves their daughter, and with deep thought said that she could never imagine someone not loving their child.

With much passion in my heart I shared that I was so proud to be her daughter. Mom answered that she was also thrilled to be my mother.

I wonder how years ago before my mom got Alzheimer's what could have been my problem. For after she became ill, I desperately fell in love with her. It astonishes  me that out of her disease it renewed for me my love, relationship and committment to her. Not only do I adore her, I also have so much respect for her.

Today I get to love her each and every day whether mom's disease is acting up or not. Sometimes I may feel like the roles have reversed, yet this is now my gift to her. At one time I wished for a different mother and today it is a privilege for me that I was blessed to have her as my mother.

My definition of a mother is someone who loves unconditionally and places the needs of her children above her own, not only with words but also with actions. The meaning of being a daughter is to always love, honor and cherish my mother. Yes, I now know and understand the meaning of mother, for me, my mom has become my hero who I love completely .

 

A BRAND NEW YEAR

 

 

A BRAND NEW YEAR

As the New Year begins I feel that it's a time for me to reflect back on the year that just ended.
As I look at this picture I see my dad who passed away almost eighteen years ago, and my son Logan, who is now twenty five years old. As I look at my mother I see a woman who was young and filled with life, and in my eyes quite beautiful .

This was many years ago and a time that I guess I never would have ever imagined that my mother would have gotten Alzheimer's. Perhaps in the late 80's, I was not even aware of this disease. I believe the big scare back then was hearing about all the women who were getting breast cancer . This was a different time, one that in some ways I wish I could turn the clocks back to.

It seems that our lives go by so quickly, and at moments some of us may take many things for granted. Probably not until we age, do we realize what a gift each day is, and not until then are we able to fully appreciate and endure all the beauty that surrounds us.

Now is the start of a brand New Year (2013), and after calling mom to wish her a Happy New Years she was also able to wish me one in return . The day before she had no idea what I was speaking about, as I tried to explain to her that a new year was be beginning. Mom has no idea anymore of what day it is, or what time it is, and at moments she is confused whether it is day or night. So how could she possibly ever understand that it is now the start of a new year.

In the scope of things none of this matters to me, for although mom's memory has gotten worse, she seems to be doing pretty well, given the circumstances. She still has a sense of humor and can have some quick and sharp responses to words we share together. She enjoys laughing, singing and visits from her children.

 I have my moments of joy and my moments of saddness, yet I still can find more beauty in what the two of us still share. Each day when I call I can hear her sweet voice overjoyed to hear from me. I hear her bursts of laughter and I sense her delightfulness to be alive.

Mom seems to celebrate her life, and as along as I know she is happy and not suffering, I too can have an enormous feeling of happiness. Yes, I know that this is not the same mom in the picture of many years ago, yet this is another time in both of our lives. A time that I do not want to take for granted. Everyday that we all wake up is truly a blessing. Maybe mom did not know when she awoke this morning, that it was 2013, yet she woke up with a smile on her face and love in her heart.

I wish to live in the moment with her and to toast another year that we may share. A year that I hope will be filled for us, still being able to feel our love and affection for one another.  It is a day that I was able to hear her precious words say to me "I'm glad that you love me, because I also love you."