LUCKY, LUCKY ME!

LUCKY, LUCKY ME

I'd like to share with you my journey, feelings & emotions regarding my mom who has Alzheimer's.
My Mom My Hero.  Wishing everyone a peaceful, healthy 2016 as I also get to spend the entire month of January with my mom. Lucky, lucky me!

http://m.huffpost.com/us/author/lisa-hirsch

IS THIS LIFE?

 IS THIS LIFE?

Alzheimer's is a fascinating disease when compared to other illnesses for it storms in, attacks all of one's brain cells, eventually leaving nothing in its path. It deeply saddens me as I question how this is possible.

Even more frustrating is that my mom cannot describe to me what is happening to her. I can only guess what she may be thinking or feeling. Why, with most of her memory gone, does she still search all over for her parents? What makes her reverse back to her childhood even as she becomes more childlike?

I was fortunate to be able to speak to mom the other day which is not the usual. I shared with her by phone since I am a long distance caregiver how much I loved her and how special she was to me. She repeated the word "special" and then rambled on mixing up words so I had no clue what she was trying to say. I guess she understood what I said for one flashing moment as she quickly moved back into her own world. A world in which she now lives all alone.

I often feel like a pendulum myself swinging back and forth with my mixed up feelings concerning her. There are times when she can make me smile and other times when I wonder what her life is all about. My heartache is in thinking of her nonexistence.

I have been complimented on what a wonderful daughter I am and wish that I could truly own this. It took my mom getting dementia (twelve years ago) for me to love her the way I do. Before she became ill, of course I loved her, for she was my mother, yet my love and feelings for her were so different.

I regret that I was not aware of how much love for her existed inside me. I do know now how fortunate I was to be given a second chance to love her unconditionally. For this I am surely thankful.

Since mom does not know the difference of the world she now lives in, I as her daughter, am the one who is left to feel the pain. How I wish I could rescue her from this world of no return. The destructive world of Alzheimer's.

In four weeks I will be arriving in Florida with my husband to spend one month visiting mom at the nursing home. This is the second year that we were able to arrange this. Last year for all of us it was so meaningful. Mom became more and more “alive” as she greeted us each day. Of course she could not share this, yet in my heart I could feel it.

I loved being transformed from the “long distance caregiver” to mom’s “daily” caregiver. It was a feeling, although at moments quite difficult, of being able to care for my mom as she once had cared for me.

THE COUNTDOWN BEGINS

THE COUNTDOWN BEGINS

In seven weeks I will be arriving in Florida to spend a month visiting mom at the nursing home. It has been a while since I have seen her and, with much excitement, my countdown has begun. I can hardly wait to hug, kiss and hold her hand in mine.

My quick three day trips had become less meaningful. For mom, as well as myself and husband, being able to spend a significant amount of time with her really made a difference. Each day mom became more alive as she reminisced about her parents and her own childhood.

When I recently questioned the head of nursing she said that mom has not changed much since I last saw her. In some ways Alzheimer's has not stolen more of her "soul".

Over the weekend I was able to speak to mom and actually see her on my cell phone. It was such a thrill for me yet unfortunately for mom (having macular degeneration) she could not see me. We were able to share how much we loved and missed one another, and without me even asking, she threw me her kisses.

Catching each other's kisses at the end of each phone call is something we use to do every single day for years. After mom entered the facility one of the things I missed greatly was getting her kisses each and every day. The kisses I so cherished.

Knowing that she has no concept of time or reality, I still shouted with joy that I would be seeing her in a few days. Mom quickly repeated this to my sister-in-law with much enthusiasm and delight in her voice as she then decided to stand up and walk away; as if I was not even on the phone.

I know that this was just a few seconds of clarity for her. Yet I am amazed that she can still have these moments even after eleven years of this illness.

As she disappeared from the camera in her Merry Walker and the phones were disconnected my heart was bursting with all the love I feel for her. In many ways I am so proud that she is my mother.



MY MOM MY HERO book is dedicated to my mother and yours. 
Available on Amazon & Kindle & Audio.

MOM, CAN YOU SHARE YOUR WEDDING DAY?

MOM, CAN YOU SHARE YOUR WEDDING DAY?

October 25th,1942 my mother & father were married. I never questioned them about their wedding and sadly, today, I have no one left to ask. I wonder if they had a big party. Was it in Brooklyn where my mom grew up, or was it on the Lower East Side of Manhattan where my dad was raised? From this picture I know that mom wore a beautiful wedding dress and held a lovely bouquet of flowers. Neither one of their families had much money so their celebration could not have been fancy or extravagant.

Realizing this, I just phoned my brother to see if he remembers anything. He did not answer his cell phone so, in a panic, I sent him a text and asked him to call me ASAP. I didn't want him to worry, so I mentioned that everything was okay. I just needed to ask him something. My brother just returned my call, he also knew nothing about mom & dad's wedding day.

My reaction surprises me, since all of a sudden the facts and details about their wedding day is so important to me. Is it because all the history of my parent's lives will shortly be gone; or due to mom's disease it has already disappeared?

I was married two times and for neither one did I walk "down the aisle". I never remember mom giving her opinion or saying very much about her own wedding. Could I have been so caught up in my decision that I never bothered to listen?

Today I yearn to hear my parents tell me all about their lives. I could sit intently with a quest and hunger to listen to every word they had to say.  Without realizing it I took for granted that my parents would always be around to tell me about their dreams, their desires and their lives.

Mom can no longer tell me much about anything since she now has Alzheimer's. If I could ask her one question it would be, mom can you tell me about your wedding day? Unfortunately I now know there is no answer.




MY MOM MY HERO book is dedicated to my mother and yours. 
Available on Amazon & Kindle & Audio.

 

MOM'S "NEW" WORLD

 

MOM'S "NEW" WORLD


In less than three months I will be back in Florida to spend some valuable time with my mom. As the countdown begins I feel a conflict of emotions; excitement, since I will be able to see her every day, and nervousness wondering what she will be like.

I wonder why, when I think of her, my feelings of love and queasiness go hand in hand. Her world seems to have stopped as if the arms of a clock were frozen in time. Why can't I just except what her "new "world now consists of ?

As her daughter and caregiver I seem to envision what I would not want for her. If mom had a looking glass before, and had known what her life would have looked like, would she have asked me to "save" her from this world; a universe of Alzheimer's and a world that is still so unknown ?

Alzheimer's has different stages and although mom has been in stage 6 for some time now, she  appears as she did a year ago. It is over eleven years since she has dementia. Is this good or bad? Is she one of the lucky ones ? It is all how one looks at it. I believe that mom is not suffering so then I feel that, given this disease, this is all that I can ask for.

Have you ever wondered what it would be like not to know where you are, what day it is, if the sun is shining, or if it is raining? What did you eat for dinner last night and how did you spend your day? What is your favorite movie or what book did you just finish? These are the simple everyday things of life that most of us take for granted. Can you imagine not knowing any of these answers?

I question, who is the one truly suffering? Is it my mom or is it me? I think we as caregivers know that answer. Yet there is nothing we can do. I ,like you, sit and wait. Fortunately I still cherish her smiles, her laughter and as each days go by, me in my world, and mom in her "new" world, I take a deep breath and keep moving on.



MY MOM MY HERO book is dedicated to my mother and yours. 
Available on Amazon & Kindle & Audio.

THE WEDDING DAY

THE WEDDING DAY


My son got married this past weekend and my husband and I are still floating on "cloud nine". The wedding took place in Martha's Vineyard which is a 5 hour car ride from my home in New York City. We were away for five days to celebrate this joyous occasion with family and friends.

Mom would have been so happy and proud. Logan was the "love of her life," and also the only grandchild she ever had. I wore a bracelet to the wedding that my mom had given me so I could feel that she was somehow with us.

Since mom has Alzheimer's and lives in Florida we knew that it would be impossible for her to come. I did not call the nursing home for five days, although I had notified them that my brother and I would be away. I knew that if anything happened they would immediately contact one of us. 

After returning home from Logan's & Julia's wedding I quickly phoned the nursing home. They told me that mom was doing well and I shared with the nurse about my son's wedding and asked her to please go tell my mom. As I hung up the phone, my eyes became watery, as I wiped away my tears.

Maybe mom would understand for a split second, yet I realized, poof it would all be gone. I knew that there would be no pictures for her to glow over, or any memories of the special times they once had shared.

A sadness came over me as I realized how she is locked away, not knowing any of the joyous parts of the world she once lived in. I thought, is this the life that she would want to be living? If I had the power would I be able to end it for her?

I shared this with my Alzheimer Support Group yesterday, and what I was left with, is that death is so final. I would no longer be able to hold her hand, touch her cheek or see her smile. Could it now be that what I have wished for, may not be, what I really truly want.


MY MOM MY HERO book is dedicated to my mother and yours. 
Available on Amazon & Kindle & Audio.



 

WEDDING BELLES WILL RING

WEDDING BELLES WILL RING

Mom,

I wanted to share with you that next Saturday Sept 26th your one and only grandchild will be getting married. I know how much love you had for Logan and how very much you adored him. As his grandmother you would have been so proud to see what a truly wonderful young man he has become, as well as loving Julia, his bride to be.

I know that daddy would have felt the same, yet he has been gone for over twenty years. You're different, for you, are still alive. You may be living in your "own" world yet I wanted to somehow share with you their special Wedding Day.

You will be with me, if only in spirit, as they say their vows. I will keep you tucked in my soul and close to my heart feeling your smiles of happiness and abundance of love you have for them. As we raise our glasses to toast them I will feel you by my side.

We all know how terrible Alzheimer's is, yet on this day, we will only celebrate all the miracles of life. We shall feel blessed and grateful as we watch the next generation be united as one. With passion and love they will become husband and wife.

With much love I promise to only have tears of joy and not let anything else spoil this special day.

I love you deeply,
Lisa


MY MOM MY HERO book is dedicated to my mother and yours. 
Available on Amazon & Kindle & Audio.

 

ALL YEAR LONG

 ALL YEAR LONG

I awoke today with this burning desire to cuddle up and tell you not to worry that everything will be okay. My feelings surfaced once again after watching a week old video that my brother just recorded of you. I was saddened when you could not recall your own mother's name who I know you adored. This time, if only for a second, it was your dad who was vivid in your memory.

I can't help but want to protect you "from the cold" as if you were my own child. None of this is possible given the distance that lies between us. It is still five long months before I will see you again and at least be able to spend an entire month with you. I fear that you are moving backwards as I dream of bringing you forward in time.

This morning I questioned what it would have been if I were able to have conversed with you each day for hours. Would this have helped with your memory and with losing your ability to make sense when you speak? Could this have slowed the progression of your disease? I know that it is Alzheimer's that has robbed you of this, except I cannot help but wonder.

This feeling of just wanting to protect you is one that will not go away. Just thinking that your confusion might be frightening to you brings more sorrow to my heart.

Logan your only grandson is getting married in less than a month and although you are alive you cannot understand. Could my feelings also be in some way connected to this special celebration?

All of us who have witnessed this horrific disease first hand still cannot understand it. Yes September is Worldwide Alzheimer's month yet for all of us, families caregivers it lasts all year long.


MY MOM MY HERO book is dedicated to my mother and yours. 
Available on Amazon & Kindle & Audio.

 

SHOULD I CELEBRATE?... Yes

SHOULD I CELEBRATE ? ...Yes

On August 24th my mom turned ninety one years old. This picture was from last year when we celebrated her 90th birthday. It was in some ways "exciting" to share this monumental birthday with her given that she has Alzheimer's for over eleven years. To be totally honest to myself there are moments when I question; is this the life I would want to be living?

I live in Manhattan where there are some elders in their early 90's who are still so full of life. Maybe they have slowed down, yet they are still able to come to the gym each morning, enjoy museums, the theatre, take a stroll through Central Park and dine out with friends or family. My husband also has quite a few aunts and uncles who are also in their 90's still driving around, traveling and living their lives "fully".  They are amongst the few that are truly blessed to be in such great health especially given their age.

For mom and many others who suffer from dementia there is not much quality left in their lives.  Just knowing how my mom now is I cannot help to notice and compare.

Obviously, if I were one of the fortunate ones I would be thrilled to be celebrating my 90th Birthday; and if I were like my mother, than for me, I'd rather not . I do know that mom is definitely one of the luckier ones; for she is still mobile, can spell and has as  a good sense of humor. She has not faded away as quickly as some others who have succumb to this horrific disease.

On a brighter note since Alzheimer's leaves mom without a memory she cannot recall how old she is. Thinking you are in your sixties is not such a bad thing when you are already past ninety.

So mom, although I am not with you this year to sing Happy Birthday or feed you you're birthday cake, I do want to say I love you and wish you a very Happy Birthday. Through my brother and your wonderful nurses I was at least able to deliver all of my wishes to you, which did leave me feeling complete.





MY MOM MY HERO book is dedicated to my mother and yours. 
Available on Amazon & Kindle & Audio.

http://www.amazon.com/Mom-Hero-Alzheimers-A-daughters-bittersweet/dp/0615773982/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1389797650&sr=8-1&keywords=lisa+Hirsch

MOM WHOSE HAND ARE YOU HOLDING?

MOM WHOSE HAND ARE YOU HOLDING?


"Mom the hand you are holding is that of your one and only grandchild." I can remember all the time you spent with Logan watching his favorite tv shows and movies. It's funny how I can still hear the two of you laughing while. Sometimes I'd wonder how you could sit and see the same movie over and over again. Yet that is what a loving grandmother would do for her one and only grandchild.

You no longer know who my son is nor do you understand that in six weeks he will be getting married. You met his beautiful bride-to-be in January as she came to Florida especially to meet you. "I know mom that you would be so proud of Logan, the man he has become, and would feel affection for the woman he has chosen to spend his life with."

When I think of all that you have been robbed of, I must confess it brings sadness to my heart. Alzheimer's is one of the most devastating diseases. It has the power to invade one's life and wash away a world full of memories.

Some people realize that every day is a gift and for me I hold onto each and every moment that I still can remember. I may never get Alzheimer's, yet one might say that I have a higher possibility since it runs in my family. First, your younger brother, and then you.

I know that going to sleep is final and realize that I would never be able to hear your voice, see your smile or hold your hand again. I question what is better. Being alive, locked away in your own world without any knowledge of your family or existence? Yes you seem to "be happy" or should I say "content". I wonder what thoughts, if any, may cross your mind only to disappear as quickly as they come.

I believe in my heart that you would not want to be alive if you truly understood about the world you now live in. For me if my world becomes like yours, I would not want to keep on living. So with much love how could I not wish for you, what I too would wish for myself. 

When Logan and Julia get married at the end of September, I will be thinking of you knowing how full of happiness and pride you would have been. I promise to have you with us, if only in spirit, to celebrate this glorious occasion. I love you mom today and forever.



MY MOM MY HERO book is dedicated to my mother and yours. 
Available on Amazon & Kindle & Audio.

http://www.amazon.com/Mom-Hero-Alzheimers-A-daughters-bittersweet/dp/0615773982/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1389797650&sr=8-1&keywords=lisa+hirsch

MOMMY CAN YOU HEAR ME?

MOMMY CAN YOU HEAR ME?



I wonder how a "grown" woman with a "grown" child can still have feelings of wanting her mother to just hold and protect her. I long to hear her say "Lisa don't worry everything will be okay. You'll see that it will all work out." Is this a feeling that perhaps will never go away, no matter how old I am?

This is an emotion that I have recently been feeling, and as each day goes by, I know that this is not possible. Yes, I am one of the "lucky "ones that my mom is still here; even if she is half alive.

How I wish that when I tell her how much I love her she could forever remember it. Life is not always how we might like it, and I guess it's all about how we live it.

These feelings that I am sharing I know will pass yet, for the last few weeks, as I search my heart for answers, I cannot help wanting to be able to share them with her.

Just the other day I had my husband take me to the home that I was raised in. I lived there until I graduated college and got married. I had not driven by it in at least twenty five years. I snapped some pictures and left with sweet memories, though I realized that I no longer had a parent that I could share this with. My dad passed away over 21 years ago and my mom's Alzheimer's has taken away her memory.

Mom now travels back in time searching for her own parents. As I have suspected she has returned to a place that she, too, felt secure and loved. I'm not sure why at this time I had the burning desire to visit the setting that I grew up in.

Could it be that I am now feeling somewhat vulnerable? My son and only child in 2 months will  be getting married and someday having a family of his own. Can it be the fact that life does not stand still? Am I looking at my own mortality? My husband's cousin suddenly passed away, so can this also be realizing how quickly one's life could just end?

I phoned the nursing home and started to cry with one of mom's nurses. She asked me to stop because she said that she will also start to cry. I asked a favor of her which she was happy to do. "Diane could you please go find my mother and give her a big hug for me."

Diane called me right back telling me that she found my mom and gave her a strong hug telling mom that it was from me. Mom smiled and said to the nurse, "I love you too." For the moment my tears subsided, envisioning mom doing this put a smile back on my face.

 Mom's life is a part of each day of my life whether I am with her or far away. She is my mother and although life is not always as we would like it to be, our roles are now reversed. The little girl that lies deep within me is now all grown up, and although I may at times want to return there I know that it can only be in my dreams.




MY MOM MY HERO book is dedicated to my mother and yours. 
Available on Amazon & Kindle & Audio.

http://www.amazon.com/Mom-Hero-Alzheimers-A-daughters-bittersweet/dp/0615773982/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1389797650&sr=8-1&keywords=lisa+Hirsch

BLOWING OUT MY BIRTHDAY CANDLES

BLOWING OUT MY BIRTHDAY CANDLES

I will be celebrating my birthday July 12th and I, who never made a big deal about this day, now feel differently. It is because of my mom. I find it sad that the woman who gave birth to me has no memory of this day, or in fact, any other day. My mom for the last ten years has been suffering from Alzheimer's.

The sorrowful part is that each year as I get older I loose a little bit more of her. Having a child of my own I cannot imagine that I might one day not remember bringing him into the world; or perhaps that I even had a child.  How could a disease like this invade one's mind and destroy a life that once was?

Alzheimer's is a rotten disease yet mom has been one of the more "fortunate" ones. The disease has not left her agitated and she seems to have opened her heart to more love. It is I, who at moments, feel the effects of the disease.

In mom's mind she still remembers me (and my brother) as a young child. Her mind has traveled back in time to thinking she still lives with her parents. A place and time for her that she once felt safe, loved and secure. Everything else has pretty much disappeared, so how could she in her mind now have a daughter all grown up? It's almost as if time has stood still.

Forgetting my birthday is the easy thing, it's when I think about how she now lives and all the things she can no longer do, that I get upset. The simple things like getting out of bed each morning, feeding herself, getting dressed, combing her hair or brushing her teeth. These are things that mom no longer can do, yet I do them each morning maybe taking "life" for granted.

Mom does not realize how different her life has become because she has no memory of what her life once was. For her this is a "blessing", and for me it is being able to "accept" how things now are.

So mom, whether you can remember holding me in your arms as I took my first breath or tying my shoes as the laces came undone;this no longer matters. As long as you are not in pain and seem to be "relatively" content then I guess for now, as I blow out my birthday candles, there is not too much more that I could wish for.

I love you mom and will always be grateful that you are the mom who for many years put candles in my cakes; and as the years went by you watched me grow up into a young lady, get married and have a child of my own.


MY MOM MY HERO book is dedicated to my mother and yours. 
Available on Amazon & Kindle & Audio.

http://www.amazon.com/Mom-Hero-Alzheimers-A-daughters-bittersweet/dp/0615773982/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1389797650&sr=8-1&keywords=lisa+hirsch

 

HONORING OUR MOTHER'S

HONORING OUR MOTHER'S


I was asked several months ago to write a letter to my mom which was then chosen and published in a book called "Letter to My Mom". After reading other letters I realized that I was not the only one, who at one time, had a fractured relationship with their mother. A relationship that needed healing.

Today my relationship is not only healed it is one that I cherish. Mom has taught me so much about life, even when I was unable to recognize it. She is a lady who has given me strength, integrity and what I refer to as "tough" love. Mom was always there for me and, since she has Alzheimer's, my relationship with her for the last ten years has changed drastically. It is now one filled with unconditional love.

As being a mom myself I certainly remember when I was pregnant and the day that my son entered the world. I will never forget the birth of my one and only child. I melted as I held him in my arms for the very first time. I was also nervous since this was something so brand new to me.

Being a mother is one of the best gifts in the world yet, at times, it can also be challenging. I believe that no matter what your relationship is, or was, with your mother, that when you look deep into your heart you can feel the love.

I have a friend who just lost her mother. After her mom passed away I listened to what she had to say, which all came down to that she loved her, no matter what transpired between the two of them.

I thought it would be nice for all of us to celebrate our mothers. This blog post is a little different than what I usually write. I know it is not Mother's Day, yet I wanted to take the time for all of us who has a mother to honor: your own special lady.



MY MOM MY HERO book is dedicated to my mother and yours. 
Available on Amazon & Kindle & Audio.

http://www.amazon.com/Mom-Hero-Alzheimers-A-daughters-bittersweet/dp/0615773982/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1389797650&sr=8-1&keywords=lisa+hirsch




 

THE GIFT OF LIFE

THE GIFT OF LIFE


Sometimes I can forget what a gift it is to wake up each morning. Maybe I have just taken it for granted without giving it much thought. When it comes to mom, who has Alzheimer's for over10 years, in regard to her life, my mind has traveled to many different places. There have been days when I wish that she would just go to sleep other moments when I feel differently.

I cannot help but wonder what it is like to lose oneself and still live? I wish that mom could explain this to me. Several years ago when I presented her with a question, " Mom what is it like not to remember anything?",her response was lovely, "although I cannot remember I know that whatever happened the day before had to be nice."

Was it possible that the mom who raised me had turned into a Buddha? Truthfully, growing up I do not remember her being so enlightened. Is it at all possible that Alzheimer's has brought out the best in her?

I wish that I could go back to my childhood and see if it was her or perhaps me acting out. Growing up is not always easy. I know that I had my share of insecurities. What could have caused me to react to her as I once did? Understanding any of this no longer matters, just being given a second chance to love her unconditionally is, undeniably, another gift.

Now all I care about is that my mom is well taken care of and "enjoying" whatever is left of her life.
There is no way for me to know what she truly thinks or feels. I can only hope that when I see her smiling, singing and interacting with others that she is happy.

I have been fortunate to have recent videos of mom(please see my FB page) so that whenever I feel uncertain on how she is doing, I watch them, and for those moments not only am I connected to her, I also know that she is doing great.

The gift for me is to hold onto being grateful as I watch mom "enjoy her life." I must try not to judge how her current life is, for life itself is a gift. As long as I know that she is not suffering and appears to be happy, I just want to celebrate her life, for one day it will all disappear.

MY MOM MY HERO book is dedicated to my mother and yours. 

Available on Amazon & Kindle & Audio.

http://www.amazon.com/Mom-Hero-Alzheimers-A-daughters-bittersweet/dp/0615773982/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1389797650&sr=8-1&keywords=lisa+hirsch

GIVEN A SECOND CHANCE

GIVEN A SECOND CHANCE

This is mom (20 years ago) a few months after my dad had passed away. Trying to put some joy back in her life, my husband and I flew her to Disney World. We had a wonderful time and for mom, just spending time with her one and only grandchild, always made her smile.

My parents were married for fifty years and dad's death was not an easy one. For nine months Mom traveled quite a distance every day to be with him. She was so strong and never complained. This was a time in my life that I really admired and respected her.

I flew down once a month to see my dad and even more to spend some time with her. It was a time,  as sad as it was, that I was happy to be with mom. We were like "teenage girls" and once again we bonded.

As I think back I can remember other times that I felt close to her, yet also other moments that we definitely went to battle. As I reminisce, I realize that this was the only other time, since I moved out of my childhood home, that I phoned mom every day. Not until she became ill with Alzheimer's did my daily phone calls start again. I terribly miss these calls no matter how silly some of our conversations would be. Just the sound of her voice brought music to my heart.

All that is left for me is to call the nursing home daily and hear the nurses tell me how mom is doing. I always say how much I miss her and request that they tell her that I love her. They reassure me that they will. I don't know why, but this makes me feel better. It makes me feel that I am connected to her.

Now that mom is further along with her disease she hardly has any memory left. For her, time stands still and yet for me it keeps moving on. Mom cannot remember the good nor the painful times. Not remembering the hurtful ones in her life, is the only blessing that goes along with having Alzheimer's.

I wish that we could be with one another as we once were. This is not reality so I like to think of her smiling face and the joy that we once were able to share. I think of the good times and all the love I have in my heart for her; leaving the tough times behind.

I might have wasted some years yet I am so thankful that I was able to get in touch with how very much I love her. I was given a second chance; one that I will never forget. This I do not take for granted.

MY MOM MY HERO book is dedicated to my mother and yours. 

Available on Amazon & Kindle & Audio.

http://www.amazon.com/Mom-Hero-Alzheimers-A-daughters-bittersweet/dp/0615773982/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1389797650&sr=8-1&keywords=lisa+hirsch

IS THIS LIFE?

IS THIS LIFE?

Alzheimer's is a fascinating disease when compared to other illnesses it storms in, attacks all of one's brain cells, eventually leaving nothing in its path. It deeply saddens me as I question how this is possible?

Even more frustrating is that my mom cannot describe to me what is happening to her. I can only guess what she may be thinking or feeling. Why, with most of her memory gone, does she still search all over for her parents? What makes her reverse back to her childhood even as she becomes more childlike?

On Mother's Day which just passed, I shared with her by phone (I'm a long distance caregiver) how much I loved her and how special she was to me. She repeated the word "special" and then rambled on mixing up words so I had no clue what she was trying to say. I guess she understood what I said for one flashing moment as she quickly moved back into her own world. A world in which she now lives all alone.

I often feel like a pendulum myself swinging back and forth with my mixed up feelings concerning her. There are times when she can make me smile and other times when I wonder what her life is all about. My heartache is in thinking of her nonexistence.

I have been complemented on what a wonderful daughter I am and wish that I could truly own this. It took my mom getting dementia (ten years ago) for me to love her the way I do. Before she became ill, of course I loved her, for she was my mother, yet my love and feelings for her were so different.

I regret that I was not aware of how much love for her existed inside me. I do know now how fortunate I was to be given a second chance to love her unconditionally. For this I am surely grateful.

Since mom does not know the difference of the world she now lives in, I as her daughter, am the one who is left to feel the pain. How I wish I could rescue her from this world of no return. The destructive world of Alzheimer's.

MY MOM MY HERO book is dedicated to my mother and yours. 

Available on Amazon & Kindle & Audio.

http://www.amazon.com/Mom-Hero-Alzheimers-A-daughters-bittersweet/dp/0615773982/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1389797650&sr=8-1&keywords=lisa+hirsch
 

MOTHERS DAY WISHES

MOTHERS DAY WISHES




If we asked the question what is a mother, there would be quite a few different answers, though most would be filled with love.

 I have found some that I would like to share:

"A mother is someone who loves unconditionally and places the needs of her children above her own, on a personal level, and not only with words, but also actions."

"A mother is someone who loves you and who cares for you in every way. She sits down and listens to what you have to say."

"Mother is the woman who raises you, who is there for you to hold and comfort you when you are sick or hurt, the woman who laughs with you, who cries with you, who loves you, even when you aren't exactly lovable, for whatever reason. This is a "real" mother."

"There are many descriptions of the word mother, and many are applicable. Only those with "closed eyes" can't see that there are many meanings to "mother." A person who gives birth is a mother. A person who raises a child is mother. A person who loves and cares for a child is a mother."

"Being a mother is the hardest job in the world!"

Each one of us who has a mother with Alzheimer's, or has lost a mother to Alzheimer's, or any other illness, know that they will always be our mother. The love they feel in their hearts for us, whether they can express it or not, will always remain.

As my mom drifts further and further away and our roles have reversed, it is a privilege for me to love, cherish and care for her as she had done for me. I myself am a mother, I know so well that being a mother is one of the hardest and most rewarding jobs in the world!

Please take a moment and reflect ,with a smile on your face and joy in your heart, of how lucky we are to have had our mothers. This disease might have stolen them from us, yet not all the love that they have showed us.

Although my mom most likely has no idea what Mother's Day means, I want to share with her all the love I have in my heart for her, today and forever. For all the other mothers I wish you all a very Happy Mother's Day.

MY MOM MY HERO book is dedicated to my mother and yours. 

Available on Amazon & Kindle & Audio.

http://www.amazon.com/Mom-Hero-Alzheimers-A-daughters-bittersweet/dp/0615773982/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1389797650&sr=8-1&keywords=lisa+hirsch

THE SOUND OF MUSIC

THE SOUND OF MUSIC

A few weeks ago was the celebration of two holidays-Passover and Easter. My mom has no idea which holiday she once celebrated. She also gets confused with who I am. I can be her wife, her mother, her friend or her daughter. Fortunately I am able to smile and not allow this to upset me for in my heart, I know that whoever I am to her they are all very special people.

The one thing I do struggle with is realizing all the beautiful things in life that mom can no longer enjoy. It's the simple things like feeling the warmth of the sun or the beautiful bright blue skies after a few cloudy rainy days.

I must confess that my heart is sad when I think of all the things mom use to love to do and can no longer appreciate. She used to treasure reading books and going to the theatre. She loved to go to the movies, or visit a museum. She loved to travel or just take a walk on the beach. In her universe these pleasures no longer exist.

Yes, mom does not know the difference; yet I do. She is "locked" within the walls of the nursing home in a world that she is now entrapped in. I question and wonder if this is what being alive is about. Alzheimer's quickly crept into her soul and removed almost all of her life experiences. She is no longer aware of what she is missing; but I am.

Luckily there is an enjoyment left and that is the "sound of music".  I have
personally witnessed this with my mom and others who have dementia. Music brings a wakening and joy to their hearts. You can see this in their faces as they suddenly become more alive.

After returning home today from spending a glorious sun filled day outside, I once again had visions of my mom roaming the halls of the facility she now lives in. My mind traveled back to the thought of her not knowing anything that was going on in the world she once knew. I can only hope that somehow, someway, she is at least still hearing and enjoying the "sounds of music".


 MY MOM MY HERO - A mother & daughters new found love.http://www.amazon.com/Mom-Hero-Alzheimers--daughters-bittersweet/dp/0615773982/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1400860930&sr=1-1&keywords=lisa+hirsch
 

A LETTER TO MY MOM

MY LETTER TO MY MOM
(as seen in newly released book " A Letter to My Mom" by Lisa Erspamer) Updated Nov 2015

My Mom My Hero

Mom, as I sit down to write my letter I wonder how I can possibly start to share all my feelings with you. So much has changed since you developed Alzheimer’s 11 years ago. As I gather my thoughts I realize that you will not be able to comprehend most of what I say.

As a teenager I loved you, yet somehow I wanted one of my friend’s mothers to be my mother. Then, after you became ill I fell so deeply in love with you. An unconditional love was born and since then you have inspired me each and every day.

I’m not really sure why my sentiments changed so drastically, I just know that I was given a second chance to feel a deep love and appreciation for you. As I reflect back through these years you have inspired me and have become my hero.

Your humor, your smiles, your sweetness have melted my heart.  In several months you will be turning 91 years “young”. You can still be feisty and, as you run around in your Merry Walker, I wonder what you could possibly be thinking.  Of course I could ask you, yet as silly as that might seem you would not be able to remember anything.

Before entering the nursing home over two years ago, I spoke to you every single day. We ended each call throwing each other our kisses. I have continued to phone the nursing home every day only wanting to hear how you are doing. On occasion I get lucky and am able to hear your sweet voice.

 Most of the time you say hello, and after a minute you just drop the phone. You do not even realize that I called or recognize the sound of my voice. Recently I was able to catch you when you were having a minute of clarity. You sounded free of Alzheimer’s as you shared that you missed me. These words immediately melted my heart. After hanging up the phone I knew that this was a magical moment, an occasion for me to treasure.

Mom, I am also a mother. My son, your only grandchild is 27 years old. You adored him and yet today you no longer remember who he is. There have been times that you think you have seven children and days when you think you have none. As a mother I cannot envision that one day I might also not know that I have a child. 

I find it hard to believe that a disease like this can wipe away your whole world as if it never existed, leaving your mind a blank canvas. Daddy passed away almost twenty two years ago and I do not believe that you have much recollection of him. I’m actually happy that he is no longer alive. I cannot imagine the pain he would have endured watching you fade away.

Today, in your world, I would have to help you brush your teeth, comb your hair, eat your food and get dressed. As a child you once did all of this for me, as well as comforting me when I was sick, or perhaps feeling a little blue.  Yet with everything that has changed, at least I know that we still have each other to share our love.

What has changed is that our roles have reversed. Now it is my turn to care for you as you once cared for me. The truth is mom that no matter whatever you can or cannot do, I am still your daughter and you will always be my mother.

Life is strange; for out of you becoming ill I have discovered a whole new world. I was given a second chance to love you unconditionally.  You have opened my heart to such a deep compassionate love. Mom as I end my letter, I just want to share with you, how very much I adore you. I feel honored and I am so proud that you are my mother.

 Your one and only daughter,

Lisa



 MY MOM MY HERO Book - A mother & daughters new found love.http://www.amazon.com/Mom-Hero-Alzheimers--daughters-bittersweet/dp/0615773982/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1400860930&sr=1-1&keywords=lisa+hirsch

MOMENTS TO TREASURE

 MOMENTS TO TREASURE

As I reflect back on the trip that I spent with mom I feel a sense of achievement. Maybe achievement is the incorrect word. It's more like I received a gift to have been able to share and spend so many special moments with her. Mom is quite different now, she has become an innocent sweet child filled with love.

Hearing her call me Lis (short for Lisa) touches me deeply. I now have such compassion for her as she searches all over for her mother. I have often said that as degrading as Alzheimer's disease is, there is also a "hidden silver lining". Mom has traveled back to a time when she felt safe, loved and protected. A place that will always be her home.

It's sweet to hear her speak of her deep love for her parents. She mentions her mother almost every day. When her mom passed away I was quite young. I then was able to witness how much she loved and respected her father. The grandfather I knew was a very special man whom I adored. To honor him I named my son after him.

One day during my visit mom was extremely tired and only wanted to go to sleep. When the aide and I put her down for a nap (hmm, like a baby) she did not want to fall asleep because she was concerned that her mother was waiting for her. I replied "mom it's okay she'll be here when you wake up." Mom whispered just before she closed her eyes "oh okay."

Later that day we spoke about my father which she rarely does. I'm not sure how much she remembers him. I want to believe that there are moments when she does think of him, before they quickly disappear and wash out to sea.

Before mom became ill some of the things she said would bother me. Not anymore, for now I treasure everything she expresses as if she has me in a trance.  I consider myself lucky to be able to smile and appreciate the things she says instead of feeling upset.

Being able to feel this way certainly opens my heart, and gives me much needed space to still be able to share with her whatever time we have left together.

MY MOM MY HERO book is for all the special people in our lives. Over 200 great reviews.

Available on Amazon , Kindle & Audio worldwide.

http://www.amazon.com/Mom-Hero-Alzheimers-A-daughters-bittersweet/dp/0615773982/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1389797650&sr=8-1&keywords=lisa+hirsch

A PANG IN MY HEART

 A PANG IN MY HEART


After a lengthy visit with my mom I still feel a deep pang in my heart that will not easily go away. Not only do I miss her I also find myself thinking about her more often each day. Some of this might be attributed to finding out that someone else dear to my heart (at the age of seventy) also suffers from this disease.

His name is Rabbi Catano and he now lives in a nursing home close to where we live. This past weekend my husband and I went to visit him, which of course, brought up many thoughts and feelings about my own mother. I sometimes feel angry at this disease for it sweeps in without  warning and erases peoples' lives as if they never existed.

During my past visit with mom she spent most of her days speaking of or searching for her own mother. I noticed how our dear friend also repeated over and over about his grandmother and bringing her the newspaper. If I can find any "comfort" with Alzheimer's it would be that I believe that my mom and Rabbi Catano are not in any pain nor suffering.

I am left wondering that no matter how old you are, do you ever stop missing your parents? Could your feelings be wrapped up into your own mortality? My dad passed away twenty years ago and mom is still alive, although there certainly is a large part of her that is no longer here. Do I now in some ways consider myself an orphan?

Isn't a parent supposed to worry about you, think about you and want to take care of you no matter how old you are? What happened to my beliefs of what a parent should be like? Are they now all disguised due to an illness?

One thing that is left and comforts me is the thought that my mother, whether she expresses it or not, would only want wonderful things for me.Whether they are alive or not, or unable to fully express it, I must always remember how much love my dad and my mom had for me. In that way I was blessed my whole life to have parents who really did love me.

 

 

MY MOM MY HERO book is for all the special people in our lives. Over 200 great reviews.

Available on Amazon , Kindle & Audio worldwide.

http://www.amazon.com/Mom-Hero-Alzheimers-A-daughters-bittersweet/dp/0615773982/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1389797650&sr=8-1&keywords=lisa+hirsch

OUR JOURNEY MOVES ON (Day 7)

OUR JOURNEY MOVES ON (Day 7)

I just finished watching several videos from my visit with mom in January. I start each day watching  them which has now replaced the phone calls we use to share. They leave me feeling warm inside as if I am actually with her. How I love to hear her voice and see her smile.

Spending the last seven days with mom had me see how much more our roles have reversed. Mom has, in many ways, become a child; no longer knowing how to get dressed, brush her teeth, comb her hair or eat her meals.

On most days she does not even realize that I exist. She no longer worries or thinks about me as a mother would. For me I think of her constantly as if I were her mother wondering how she is doing.  Maybe she is feeling lonely, frightened or sad. I yearn to take her in my arms, cuddle her and protect her from the world. I want to reassure her that everything will be okay.

I cannot stop thinking, how much is she still aware of? What does she know or understand? We are now ten years into her Alzheimer's, yet there are parts of her that still are present. Mom can spell and is able to answer us in a quick witty manner. She'll tell me that her eyes are tearing or that her nose is running and ask if I have a tissue. She'll start to sing a song and fill in her own words as if she were a poet.

Then minutes later she'll ask for us to take her to her home. She'll say she wants to go home yet never questions where she is. She passes by others in the nursing home who are sitting in their wheelchairs as if they do not exist. Once is a while she says hello never questioning us who they are.

I wonder, where does she think she is? She has been here for 1 1/2 years. She is confused each day not knowing if I am her daughter or her friend. I've been married for 34 years and each day she wants to know who this man is.

I question why some people succumb to this disease and why mom in some ways after all these years still is "present". I ask, is she one of the luckier ones? Perhaps yes, although we as caregivers seem to suffer more as we watch our love ones fade away.

So mom, whether I'm walking beside you or miles away, I cannot stop my heart from missing you in more ways than one. I wish that you could truly understand this unconditional love that I now have for you . Only if you could!

MY MOM MY HERO book is for all the special Mom's in your lives. Over 200 great reviews.

Available on Amazon , Kindle & Audio worldwide.

http://www.amazon.com/Mom-Hero-Alzheimers-A-daughters-bittersweet/dp/0615773982/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1389797650&sr=8-1&keywords=lisa+hirsch

OUR JOURNEY CONTINUES( Day 4)

 OUR JOURNEY CONTINUES (Day 4)


I've been back in New York now for four weeks. While visiting mom I was sure to have paper and pen with me so I would be able to write down what I was feeling. There were days when I wrote nothing and days when my thoughts and emotions just overflowed as I scribbled away.

Today is the first day that I pulled out my notes, and for the next month or two, I will be documenting in sequence what I was feeling.

Day 4: I awoke today feeling good about mom yet when I reached the nursing home I started to feel a little queasy. After entering the facility and signing in, my husband and I took the elevator to the second floor.

It took a while to find mom, as usual, she was roaming the halls in her Merry Walker. Mom was clearly not having a great day. She appeared to be tired and most of what she had to say was about going home.

I heard mom "crying out" as if she hoped that we could help her. "Take me home my mother is waiting for me,"she pleaded . I need to go home and take care of my children." This was something that mom spoke about on many days.

Since this was in the beginning of our visits it really did upset me. I quickly learned to make the best of it and play along with her. On other visits when she mentioned that her mom was looking for her and I would say "Mom I spoke to your mom and she is okay." Mom would then look at me and with surprise in her voice, "you spoke to my mom?" "Yes mom, I did."

 I realized now why my mom never stops roaming the halls. She has made comments that she is almost home, and with each corner that she turns she seems to think that she'll find it. Her eyes wander into the different rooms as she keeps searching.

At these moments, when she is looking for her children, her memory takes her back to when my brother and I were infants. She cannot visualize us as grownups. When I share with her that I am her daughter she looks confused while at other times her face lights up and quickly tells me that she loves me.

I try not to focus on the sadness of this disease Most of the time I am able to stay in the moment and remain grateful that mom can still walk and talk. So for now I choose to be thankful for each day that we can still share together.

 

MY MOM MY HERO book is for all the special Mom's in your lives. Over 200 great reviews.

Available on Amazon , Kindle & Audio worldwide.

http://www.amazon.com/Mom-Hero-Alzheimers-A-daughters-bittersweet/dp/0615773982/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1389797650&sr=8-1&keywords=lisa+hirsch

SHE MAKE ME SMILE, SHE MAKES ME LAUGH

SHE MAKES ME SMILE, SHE MAKES ME LAUGH.....

Mom knows how to melt my heart without even trying. It was not always like this, yet for the last ten years my unconditional love for her has grown to levels that I cannot explain. The most amazing thing is that I was given a second chance to love her completely.

Yes, she was always my mother, and I always loved her. I was just not in touch with how deeply I cared. It took her getting Alzheimer's for me to fall madly and completely in "awe" of her.

For four weeks my husband and I spent every day visiting mom in her nursing home. Since I live in New York my visits have consisted of just a couple of days every few months. Although each  December my husband and I would visit for a week this trip was different since we were able to spend some precious and meaningful time with her.

Since my return I miss mom even more and on most days I like to play some of the videos that I recorded. They keep me feeling like I am still with her. Just sending my love to her through the nurses is not nearly enough anymore.

These videos have me connected to her in a very different way. Being a long distant caregiver can be difficult. I have learned to accept the distance between us yet it does not make any of this easier.

We've been home for three weeks now and my brother just sent me a special message. He said "mom has been in really good moods recently and it is either from your visits or from her finally settling in (August was one year since mom entered the nursing home) or maybe both."

When I shared this with my husband we both smiled and said the same thing. We were sure that we made a difference in mom's life, and what is more amazing is that she did the same thing for us.

We both seem to feel a deeper inner peace, for me my heart has been glowing, not only for my mom, but also for the man I married thirty four years ago.

Please watch this precious and touching video. It is only 3 1/2 minutes long . I promise that it is both uplifting, inspiring and filled with love.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v_TT_cOp3Hs&feature=youtu.be

MOM MY SWEET VALENTINE

 

 MOM MY SWEET VALENTINE

I've been back for two weeks now and as each day goes by the distance that lies between mom and I becomes greater. I am still feeling the joys of the "miraculous" time that I was able to spend with her, yet I really do miss her, and wish that I did not live so far away.

In some ways I was happier when I was able to see her each day. My brother calls once a week when he visits so mom and I can connect. With these calls I do get to hear her sing songs and tell me that she loves me. Still the presence of not being able to be with her leaves me feeling some sadness.

I often wonder how she is really doing. The nurses always reassure me that she is okay. Yet when I was with her I was able to be aware if anything was troubling her. It also was thrilling to experience the happiness we added to her day.

February 14th is Valentine's Day, a time when we tell someone how much we love them. Yes, my husband is my special Valentine, but he shares this day with someone else.

My other sweetheart that I cannot deny, is my mother. In many ways our roles have reversed yet I cannot forget all that she has given me.

So I'd like to dedicate this to My Valentine, My Mom:

Mom you were the one who brought me into this world and showed me the difference between right and wrong.

You were the one I leaned upon as you protected me.

When I was feeling sad you somehow brightened my day.

You were the one who cared for me and put up with my childish ways.

You were my best friend, my heart and soul even when I did not know.

You were one of my biggest fans and believed in me as I was finding my way.

When I was feeling insecure you were the one who taught me to believe in myself.

 And no matter whether you know my name or who I am, you will always be my mother.

Mom, I love and cherish you forever. You are truly my sweet Valentine.

 

MY MOM MY HERO is for all the special Mom's in your lives. Over 200 great reviews.

Available on Amazon & Kindle & Audio worldwide.

http://www.amazon.com/Mom-Hero-Alzheimers-A-daughters-bittersweet/dp/0615773982/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1389797650&sr=8-1&keywords=lisa+hirsch

 

OUR "MAGICAL JOURNEY" RIDE

 

OUR "MAGICAL JOURNEY" RIDE

I have been trying to decide what I would like to share with you about my four week visit with my mom. I plan other blog entries about my visit, but thought my first entry should be about how I am feeling right now.

My spirit is feeling so light with an inner happiness I find hard to explain. I notice how upbeat I feel accompanied by a joyous glow. Being able to spend almost every day visiting mom was uplifting.

This was a trip that I planned  a year ago not knowing how much longer mom would be able to communicate with me. For the very first time (in the ten years that mom has Alzheimer's) I was not a long distant caregiver. I became her "daily "caregiver and, as if mom had a sixth sense, each day that I visited her, she became more and more responsive.

She appeared elated each day that my husband and I called her name as we found her wandering the hallways in her Merry Walker. I was so lucky to have my best friend, my husband, accompany me on every visit. Mom was so enamored with him, although she could not understand nor remember that he was her son- in- law for the last thirty-five years.

The two questions that everyone has asked of me since I returned home is "How is your mom doing?" and "Does your mom know you"? My answers have always been, " Mom is doing great and although she may not always say that I am her daughter I know that she knows who I am." Even when she did not seem to distinguish me, she then would suddenly call out my name Lees(short for Lisa) to come walk with her.

The other day my brother went to see her. He called me( back in NYC) and mom sounded so alive as she kept singing every song in the universe and telling me that she loved me. The very last thing mom said to me before we hung up the phone was "I never want anything to happen to you and I only want you to be happy. I love you and I will always be your mother."

My heart immediately skipped a beat and I knew how much our trip actually meant to her. I know that it really touched her and that my husband and I made a difference in her life.

I will never forget the time that I was able to spend with her and I will cherish it forever. For all of us this was truly "our magical journey ride", one that we all shared.



My book My Mom My Hero is available with over 200 reviews.

http://www.amazon.com/Mom-Hero-Alzheimers--daughters-bittersweet/dp/0615773982/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1400860930&sr=1-1&keywords=lisa+hirsch