I WONDER WHAT IS MOM THINKING ?

 

I WONDER WHAT IS MOM THINKING ?

Mom recently had two wonderful weeks, that seemed to abruptly come to an end. This week started off with her sounding like she had just swallowed speed. She was on an adrenaline rush. Mom was saying some things that made sense and other things that I found quite difficult to understand. I wondered what was going on ?

Did mom have another UT infection, that was causing her to be in what seemed like a semi delirious state ? Probably not since she had started an antibiotic the week before. My brother suspected that she might have had an infection. I questioned what would happen if she really needed an antibiotic. Gil my brother, being a physician, thought that this would not be a problem.

I found her one day speaking about my father, who passed away seventeen years ago, saying that she was waiting for him to come home from work. The next day she kept rambling on about some lady and how she remembered what had happened with her. She was making absolutely no sense at all. The next moment she was telling me that I was the best daughter in the world. Of course, I loved hearing those words.

I decided to ask her some questions to see if she, or better me, might understand. As I spoke these words her answers were quick and responsive. "Mom are you happy?" "Yes," she said, "I'd rather be happy and have her hold my hand."  Okay I thought ,who is her ?  Then without skipping a beat she continued to say that she was happy to be alive. Her brain seemed to be firing and sparking all over the place.

The following day she only wanted to sleep. I'm sure this was out of total exhaustion. I only could wonder what I might find later, on the other end of the phone.

 Mom's journey, since she has Alzheimer's, has climbed mountains and has traveled through valleys. The rivers have flowed and at other times they have dried up. I never know what to expect. What might I experience next?

Towards the end of the week, her caregiver discovered that mom was impacted. After she was relieved from this, she bounced back to being aware and sounding better . Almost as if, what I had experienced all week, never happened. If my mom cannot tell me what is going on, how can we as caregivers, know how to help them?

In a strange way this fascinates me. How does the brain connect and disconnect so quickly ?  I only wish that my mom could explain to me what is going on. What is she feeling? What is she thinking? Since she cannot, all that I am left with is to wonder how Alzheimer's disease can remove her vibrant ways, and watch as she fades away.

Somehow, as upsetting as this can be, I have been getting use to her when she is acting this way. Yes it hurts, and I wish I could cuddle her,and take care of her, as she once did for me. Instead I take a deep breath and know in my heart that tomorrow could be a better day.

SOUNDS OF JOY

SOUNDS OF JOY

This is the second week in a row where mom has sounded really good.  She has been alert, upbeat and filled with clarity. We have been able to engage in our daily conversations. I have purchased my plane tickets to visit her, and will be arriving in eight weeks. I am hoping that when I get to her home, she will still be having her better days. Although eight weeks is still a long time away.

The last time that I visited her with my husband, her days were not great and being with her was painful to watch. It brought up sadness and frustration . As my trip is getting closer, I start to feel some different emotions . As of now I am surrounded with excitement, yet feel a small knot in my stomach.

Just today, mom so cutely said that she only hopes that she can remember when I will be arriving. She asked me to please remind her and hopes that she will not forget. I laugh with her as she speaks these words and reassure her that I will not let her forget.

Mom offered to help me make her "famous" meatloaf when I visit, since she cannot remember the recipe herself. Simple things like this excite me . I delight in each small thing she says, as if I was watching my son speak his first words, or take his first steps. Her good days come and go, so I always cherish those special moments.

 It doesn't matter what we may speak about, it is just that we are still able to speak. She touches my heart in so many different ways. I can no longer talk to my dad, and in reality the day will come when I can no longer speak to her.

Mom has no memory anymore of anything, including my dad, her marriage, her youth. Maybe she still has glimpses that come to her, yet as they pass by so quickly she has no way to share them. Yet for all this she does seem happy . In her world, she does not understand the difference.

My mom and dad met when they were very young. Mom was eighteen years old when they married. Dad was only twenty one when he shipped out to serve his country. At that time mom was also pregnant with my brother.

On October 25th this year, they would have celebrated their 70th anniversary together. My dad passed away seventeen years ago. He suffered for nine long months, while my mom traveled each and everyday to see him.

I wonder how difficult it would have been for him, if he had lived, and he would now be experiencing my mom, as she drifts away. My brother and I are now the only immediate family she has left.

Alzheimer's disease I believe effects the caregivers even more. We are the ones that watch how this disease destroys their lives, as they loose their memory and slowly disappear. We feel the pain that they may not even realize exists. 

The sounds of joy that my mom can still express are for me, what makes me smile. She fills my heart with much joy.  Everyday that she still knows who I am, is truly a gift to me. Mom has been so courageous and today as always she will remain my hero.

SAVORING THE MOMENT

SAVORING THE MOMENT

It is now almost a week, where each day I have found my mom to be, what one might say connected.
It is true that she has absolutely no memory anymore, of the past nor the present, yet she has been sounding so refreshed and so alive.

This last week there have been no dark clouds in her life, only beautiful colors of a rainbow. Mom has been extremely happy and her world seems to be filled with clarity. I hear the sounds of birds chirping when she answers the phone with "hi sweetie." She sounds so carefree as sounds of laughter accompany her world.

We have been able to have some conversations without her rushing me off the phone. We have sang some songs and spelled some words and she has been able to follow along with each breath that she takes. It seems to be like a miracle, as if she has escaped from Alzheimer's.  We have been able to be in the moment.

 Of course she is not the same mom that I had before, yet this lovely lady is still my mother.  A mother that can still tell me how much she loves and misses me. A mother that gets excited every time she hears the sound of my voice. A mother that still can tell me to have a wonderful day, and a mother who still shares with me how lucky we are to have our health.

The other day after I spoke to her I thought of my childhood and teenage years, and I thought how my mother always believed in me. I thought how supportive she was to me, and how she encouraged me, when I needed to hear those words from her.  For some crazy reason, I took most of this for granted.

I  realized today how my world has changed so drastically with our relationship. Now with every breath she takes, and with the simplest of things that she may say, I  hold on to each syllable that resonates from her sweet lips.

The words, "I miss you and I love you" have such a deeper meaning to me. These are words that she still can speak. I realize that as time goes by, because of Alzheimer's, she may not always be able to say them . I hold on tightly and I cling to all these loving words, as if I never heard them before.

Today, until no longer, I savor all the love that I receive from her.  I cherish even more, all the love that I can also give back to her. I think of this as savoring the moment, for I know all too well what probably lies ahead.

On October 21st, I will be on the Walk to End Alzheimer's as a tribute to my mom , her younger brother who has passed away, and for all the others who have suffered from this disease.  We are all in this together and we must share in spreading awareness. We must find a cure.



 

COULD THIS BE MAGIC ?

COULD THIS BE MAGIC ?

I belong to a support group with the Alzheimer Association that meets two times a month. I absolutely look forward to going there. It is a safe place to share all of my feelings with others, who I know truly understand. We all have a parent, who suffers with Alzheimer's.

Yesterday while I was waiting for the bus, to go to my support group, I overheard a gentlemen having a conversation with his mother.  It had me reflect on how those days for me and my mom, were now long gone. Like in a trance, I felt myself slipping deep into my thoughts. The days that  mom and I use to share about our lives were no longer.  It left me feeling empty and sad.

I realized that this was a day that I had not yet spoken to her. I usually call her mid morning. For the last few days I found mom so disconnected that it was painful calling her. No sounds of laughter or joy resonated from her. Trying to get her to laugh or sing, was not on the menu. She just wanted to rush me off the phone, and couldn't care less about anything I was saying. Mom was not responsible for her actions, it was her disease reacting.

Even the conversation of asking her if I was her daughter ,and did she give birth to me, she answered with "I guess so."  She was able to thank me for calling, and I also got her to throw me my daily kisses. Without these kisses my day would not be complete. I know that they will disappear, so as of now they mean the world to me. This was not one of her brighter days.

Later that evening I phoned my mom, and like magic, my mom and I were able to have a real conversation. She did not rush me off the phone,and there was sounds of laughter as we spoke about several different things. I knew that she was really listening, as she chirped in that she didn't want to interrupt me while I was speaking. After hanging up, I was floating on cloud nine.

The next morning she was still present, and with much conviction, she shouted how very much she loved me and wanted me to have a great day. She sounded so alive and for several moments I could forget that she had this disease.

Two days of such clarity. So clear with her thinking process. How can this be? Who can understand this disease? When hearing her alive and joyful I do not question, yet when she is lost, I ask myself why? Do the wires that connect in her brain, connect and disconnect? When she has a day of clarity  are  they all connected, and when she doesn't they are disconnected ? What causes several good days of joyfulness, understanding and clarity, and then for several days she seems to slip away.

I know that the researches are trying to find a cure or even a prevention for Alzheimer's. One that I only hope comes in our lifetime. To late for my mom, yet I wonder how much they truly understand. How does Alzheimer's appear and disappear so frequently? This disease is not new for her, she has been suffering with this for at least seven years.

Yes she has her good days and she has her not so good days. I could be flying high from the last few days, and yet I know too well, how easily this magic can slip away. I think of the good moments that we still can share, even if they are less than before. So could this be magic ? I do know the answer, yet my glass remains half filled not half empty. I am still grateful for whatever time we have left, and I must hold on to whenever the magic reappears.

 

IS MY NAME LISA ?

 IS MY NAME LISA ?

As my mom awoke in her home of twenty four years, she exited from her bedroom and saw her caregiver Elaine, sitting in her living room. Mom questioned if she was there to take care of her. Elaine answered that she was, and my mom then stated that she was hungry, and wanted to know if Elaine could make her something to eat. This was a good sign, for some days she is not very hungry.

As they entered her kitchen, she wanted to know where she should sit.  In some ways she has become like a young child, yet not totally. When I got to speak to her she wanted to know when I would be visiting, and added in, that she hopes I know that I could stay as long as I want.

These words that came from her lips just melted my heart. "Mom would you like me to come and live with you"? Her answer was, "I don't think that you would really want to do that". "In that case, I have a surprise for you, Gil's coming to see you today". Mom said "that's great so I'll see both of you" . With an upbeat tone she added in that she can hardly wait to see her kids. I knew that I would not be seeing her for another 2 1/2 months yet I said nothing. I could try to explain ,yet whatever I would say would not be understood and long forgotten.

As we continued our conversation she quickly forgot about my brother coming to visit her.
"Mom would you like to spell some words"? As I started our weekly exercise, starting at A and wanting to finish at Z, I asked her to spell England and then Hawaii. She stopped me on both, and said, "I never heard of those words". Mom never heard of England or Hawaii, what was going on? Can Alzheimer's have my mom's world fade to nothing? Yet fortunately there are other words she recognizes enough to spell .

I realized that at this moment there was some confusion. I decided to stop spelling and tell her again, that Gil was coming to visit her ."Oh my husband is coming", my mom replied. "No mom, Gil is your son. "I know he's my son, I just call him my husband". Okay mom I thought to myself, your close but you have this backwards.

Is there any harm if mom thinks that my brother is her husband? I don't think so.  He visits weekly, and he is the only male figure left in her life. The important part now, is that she still knows who he is.

The next day when I called, I heard Elaine her caregiver say, "Ruth, your daughter Lisa is on the phone". This morning my mom answered with, "no I'm Lisa". As I heard her sweet voice and I giggled, I said "Mom, I'm Lisa so what's your name"? Mom answered with "you tell me first". We both laughed as I said "okay mom it doesn't matter, we can just call each other sweetheart". I thought to myself how quick and sharp her answer was . Was mom trying to cover up her mistake, or perhaps her not knowing?

Once again it does not really matter. Mom somehow was able to understand her own confusion. So I started to serenade her with the song" let me call you sweetheart, I'm in love with you", as my mom joyfully joined in.

There are parts of conversations that we still can share. She has her good days and off days.  I do realize that mom is sliding backwards from Alzheimer's, yet somehow she is still able to hang in there. Her strength, her courage just absolutely amaze me. Several years ago, she became my hero ,and today she still can warm my heart with much joy. She brings a smile to my face, and although parts of her are now lost, I hold on tightly to all that we still can share.

INTERVIEWING MY MOM WITH ALZHEIMER'S

INTERVIEWING MY MOM WITH ALZHEIMER'S

"Mom, what does it feel like not to be able to remember something"? She answered, "it's not always so bad not to remember everything". Wow, I thought as she spoke these words.  Several years ago I had presented a similar question to her, for I often wondered what it must be like. I too sometimes forget some simple things, and for a second I think, do I also have the beginnings of dementia?  I quickly kid around about it, although deep inside the question still remains.


I have no fear asking her any questions, for I know that it will not upset her.  Immediately after I ask her something, it disappears from her memory.  Her answer to this same question, several years ago was quite touching.  Mom had said  "I know that whatever has happened yesterday to me had to be nice, whether I can remember it or not". 


Back to the present, I continue with," mom is all this scary to you"?  Her quick reply is "no it's not scary because if you cannot remember something, you just don't remember it".  With such wisdom mom was able to answer me so easily. She then started to reminisce about her own mother and growing up in Williamsburg and Coney Island.

 "Mom do you remember your mother's name. "Of course, it was Pauline Schnitzer". "Mom, what's your name"? "Ruth Schnitzer", and "what was your father's name"?  She simply says, "I cannot remember".  With some surprise in my voice, I say his name was "Louie."  My own father passed away seventeen years ago, yet I wonder if she knows his name.  She has to, it's my dad and they were married for almost fifty years.  She does not remember. 


"Mom how many brother's or sister's do you have"? "I have both a brother and a sister".  Wrong again.  My mom had only one younger brother who died from Alzheimer's six years ago.  I decided to lighten up and move away from this conversation.

As we continue to speak I did not understand what she was trying to say, so I responded with "mom I do not understand what you just said".  She must have felt a little frustrated for she answered, "if I was speaking French or Spanish then you could not understand me". "You are absolutely correct", and we both started to giggle like two teenage girls.  I was happy, because between some things she said there seemed to be quite a few times that she was lucid.  I was able to fantasize  for several moments that she did not have Alzheimer's.

I have been back home for almost a week now, and each day that I speak to my mom she seems to have some recollection that I was there. She cannot really express this, although she has questioned me everyday,  to when I will be coming to visit .  Now when I exit from her home, I can no longer have my real goodbyes, for in the past she has gotten quite upset.  So when I  leave I simply say, "mom I'll see you later".  

Today my mom shared with a light, upbeat voice that when she woke up she was looking all over her home for me, and could not find me.  For a moment it made my heart sink.  It saddened me that we lived so far apart, yet there was a sound of joy that came from her voice.  I  knew that she was feeling happy. 


Later in the day I phoned my mom again, just to hear her sweet voice.  Her caregiver Trudy said that after I hung up earlier , my mom  had been going around her home once again calling my name.  Her voice shouted, "Lisa, Lisa, are you here".  Hearing this made my heart ache.  Do I jump on a plane and run back to her ? It's been exactly one week since I was there.  Of course I cannot do that.  As I hung up the phone somehow it left me with a piece of my heart broken in two. For the rest of day I kept hearing Janis Joplin singing,"take a little piece of my heart".

I often wonder how this little lady who stands only 4 feet ten inches off the ground, can melt my heart each day in such a way that I cannot contain my love for her.  It seems to overflow with abundance . Although I know that my mom cannot remember anything, and may not always be able to express herself and all her feelings, I am still left with some comfort.  Deep in my heart I do feel that she is not suffering and is relatively happy.  I truly believe that it is the families that are the ones who suffer the most.  Either way Alzheimer's is a cruel disease that eventually takes ones life.

For me, because of my mom I have committed myself to spreading awareness about Alzheimer's and only hope that what I write can help other families find some comfort .  I wish all of you much love and I hope you know that I truly care and do understand.

Fact-Every 68 Seconds Someone is diagnosed with Alzheimer's.

WHAT BECOMES OF THE BROKEN HEARTED ?

WHAT BECOMES OF THE BROKEN HEARTED ?

This picture was taken in October 2011,with my son Logan, me, mom and my brother Gil.  Mom looks happy and what I remember about this day, was that she did not want to leave her home. We had to force it upon her. Although she's smiling in the picture, I would not say that she was really thrilled to be out.  I think she enjoyed being with all of us, yet having lunch by the ocean, and feeling the warm breezes blow by, meant nothing to her.

For me I loved the day, because it is not that often, that the four of us can get together, especially since we live in different states.

In the beginning of this week I phoned my mother because I really wanted to share something exciting with her.  Logan had just gotten an apartment with his girlfriend.  I was feeling so happy, yet my eyes were moist with tears.  My little boy, who has grown up, finished college, is working and living on his own for the last four years, was now taking his next "big" step.  As I see it, he and Julia after dating for two years, were now making a deeper commitment to one another.

As Logan takes each step through his  life, that are both exciting and thrilling to me, they also become  sentimental to me.  I called my mom to share all this excitement with her. With much enthusiasm, I shared everything including my happiness, as well as my heart pangs. Knowing that since she is a mother, she had to have similar feelings, while my brother and I took each new step.

While speaking to mom the phone just went silent, mom said nothing.  Not even did she make a comment, which she has been able to do, no words of wisdom, just dead silence. Mom had just put the phone down. Her caregiver picked up the phone and put my mom back on. I once again in a more simplified matter shared everything with her.  I then asked if she had anything to say. Wasn't she listening?  Didn't she understand?  Couldn't I speak to my mom and have her be excited with me?

Not this time, and probably not to many times in the future.  I questioned why can't my mom be able to be there for me?  I use to love to call her when I needed advice, or had something exciting to tell her. Those days seem to be long gone.

I felt both sad and lost. I could say that I felt like crying. I only wanted my mom back. Is that too much to ask? The answer is yes. Alzheimer's seems to destroy inch by inch someones entire being.

My thoughts went deep and dark, and I was beginning to feel such anger to this disease. I had to pull myself together and get back to the lighter side of life, or I could drive myself crazy. Yes, I had to remember the fun moments my mom and I share, the laughter, the words that are filled with love.

 Maybe this was just a bad day for her. Tomorrow will be better. I must lighten up and stay on the brighter side. I wish that I could remove this horrific disease from my mom's being, yet I know that's impossible.

September is World Alzheimer's Month. We all to need to spread awareness around the world. We need to find a cure for Alzheimer's . Hopefully this will happen in my lifetime, and if not, certainly for future generations.

I  like to send to all the families who have a love one with this disease, and to all their caregivers,  much love.

So although I felt a broken heart for my mom, I know deep in my heart, that broken hearts must heal.
 

BECAUSE I LOVE YOU

BECAUSE I LOVE YOU

The first words from my mom after we said our good morning hellos was "when are you coming to see me"? Mom, (I fibbed) in a couple of weeks". "Great, and who are you coming with"? "My husband", I replied. "You're married"? "Yes mom, I've been married for thirty years". "I can't believe your married, you look so young. You look like a baby".

As I smiled to myself, and felt the love from my mom, I flashed on when I was a little girl, which was many years ago. I thought of my mom in her youth and all the things we did together. That was then and this is now.

She then asked where I lived and I answered, New York. Mom was able to have a moment of memory for she answered, "I use to come to visit you a lot in New York". Yes mom, I thought to myself, and you also were also born and raised here. New York was your home.

Mom lived here till she was sixty two years old. She moved right before I became pregnant, with her one and only grandchild. Logan is his name, named after her dad Louis. He will be turning twenty five in several months and today, with all the love she feels for him, and all the special moments they shared, he is just a fading memory in her life.

 Last week when I mentioned Logan's name, she said it sounded familiar to her.  Her grandson that she so adored, now just a glimpse of a shadow in her "world".  I know in my heart that all her love is still there for him, its just that she cannot connect all the pieces.  Sometimes when we speak of her grandchild, she thinks that he is still a young child.  She will ask why I allow him to do some of the things I share with her.  She cannot believe how old he ,what he looks like, or his stature of being six feet tall.

Deciding to lighten the conversation and to have some fun, I asked Ruthie if she'd like to live with me in New York.  Mom use to say that she would never leave Florida. This time to my surprise, she said "how would I get there". "Well mom I could come and bring you up". "When"? she asked. "Maybe soon". "Okay let me think about it". Of course this conversation, like so many others quickly faded into the distance, for the next time we would speak, mom would have no memory of it.

Alzheimer's, now that I can see what it has stolen from my mom, her life, her existence still leaves me with the question of, how can this disease just eat away your life, as if it never existed?  It is mind boggling to me.

As our phone call came to an end, mom softly whispered to me "please come visit, I have a home you can stay in . Lisa, you know that you can come whenever you want, because I  love you".

At that moment this little lady, who is no longer five feet tall, broke my heart. I wanted to pick her up and hold her in my arms and tell her that everything will be okay. Okay? I know that is not the way this illness usually ends. Yet for now, I still can hear mom speak those tender words to me. And for me, at the moment this is all I need.  I feel the love, and deeply cherish all that we still have, no matter how little, it may be.





 

LIFE'S SHORT, BE HAPPY

LIFE'S SHORT, BE HAPPY

 The picture above is from a birthday we celebrated together two years ago, while I was visiting my mom in Florida.  Today she turned eighty eight years "young". This year I remained in New York during her birthday. The best I could do, was send her a special birthday card filled with much love and affection, and sing her the Happy Birthday song. This week as we approached her birthday, it was in some ways quite different.

The week started where my mom's caregiver Trudy, called around 8:30AM, to tell me that she called for an ambulance to take my mom to the hospital. She had cleared the decision with my brother Gil.
When she arrived she found Ruthie to be a little disoriented and complaining terribly about pain in her neck.

Trudy discovered that my mom had several bruises and black and blue marks on her arms, wrists and fingers. We all seemed to wonder what had happened to my mom, and since she could not tell us, we all assumed that she must have fallen down. The medics arrived and Ruthie was at least able to tell them her birth date and her name as take strapped her to a stretcher, and placed her in the ambulance.

 Several hours later when I spoke to the emergency room doctor they were discharging my mom and sending her home. The doctor said that they ran many tests, took ex rays, MRI, urine, blood, and he was pleased to say that everything was normal. Yes in his world normal, and in ours, except for having Alzheimer's and macular degeneration mom was doing great as in"normal". Nothing appeared to be broken.

I spoke to everyone several times that day from the hospital and later when mom was back at home. The next two days, mom appeared to be so weak that she had trouble walking to the bathroom. We had her caregivers, who normally stay for twelve hours, sleep over with mom for several days. By day three mom was starting to bounce back. She was walking much better and the even started laughing and singing along with me as we practiced her birthday song.

What struck me the most with this week was the several comments my mom had made about life, and being alive. The day she came back home from the hospital, she was rambling on about things that made absolutely no sense. When I mentioned that she was in the hospital she said "no, I was never in the hospital." I thought that all the strange things she was describing, was in someway related to the nurses, the x ray machines, the fear of being in an ambulance, things that she was not able to remember. Yet as clear as day my mom in between speed talking, said to me, "life is short so you just need to remember to be happy". I hung up the phone, turned to my husband with amazement,
and thought how profound it was what my mom had just said .

The next day, somewhere in our conversation, mom said to me that she wanted to be alive.  With a lightness in my voice, I told her that she was very alive, for who else was I speaking to. Finally on the day before her birthday, as we practiced singing her birthday song, she chirped in with, as we got to the end of "how old are you now, how old are you now"? my mom answered with "old enough to be alive, and thank god".

All these phrases she kept saying about life and living, only left me to wonder what my mom had felt was happening to her this week.  Feelings that she can no longer share or express, for they just disappear from her memory. Feelings that seem to go unspoken . All the things she described to me, I truly believe for her, was a statement of wanting to live.  Mom was not ready to die.

So mom, I toast you on your birthday, and as you just recently said to me, I will remember that "life is short, so we need to be happy".  Yes my sweet loving mom , once again your words become wisdom to my ears. I just want to wish you a very Happy Birthday, and to let you know how very much I love and cherish you.  I do not know how many more we will be able to celebrate together, yet for number eighty eight, it stays in my heart as a very special one.

GLIMMERS OF A RAINBOW

GLIMMERS OF A RAINBOW

Sometimes when dark clouds start to clear, the sky opens up to glimmers of a rainbow . This is how my mom has been this week after the antibiotic she has been on started to work. Before we knew that she had a UTI infection, my mom appeared listless, only wanting to sleep her days away.

Not anymore. The sounds of her laughter and joy could certainly fill the size of a ballroom. Mom was reciting to me a rhyme that she recently made up. "Mister, Mister, where did you meet your sister". She said it over and over again, with much humor and expression in her voice. Each time that she repeated her new rhyme "Mister, Mister where did you meet your sister? we would both giggle as she rejoiced with her verses. She even had her caregiver Trudy, laughing hysterically in the background.

Just hearing the sound of her joy and happiness delighted me, sending thrills up and down my spine . She sounded so alive as if she was having an adrenaline rush, or maybe was about to run a marathon race . Either way the excitement that she showed brought a needed smile to my face and a lightness to my heart. The week before I knew that my mom was having a rather hard time.

Alzheimer's is such a strange disease and one that I do not understand. One day my mom can be lethargic, and the next day she can be dancing the night away. I never know how long these moments of aliveness can last. Nor do I really want to know. I just try to go with the flow of mom's ups and downs.

I wish that every day would be an up day for my mom. This I know is not possible. I find it hard to even imagine how in some ways my mom is so alive, yet in other ways there is not much that exists in her life.

Mom will be eighty eight years old at the end of this week. Except for having Alzheimer's and macular degeneration she is in rather good health. She never seems to complain about anything, and on her good days there is always joy and laughter that resonates from her being. The only thing that she will say to me is that she cannot remember much of anything.

Actually mom remembers very little of anything.  For me the most important thing is that she still remembers me. I know that this is a gift to be cherished. A gift that may one day be taken away. Yet today I choose to remain happy. Its almost like when I see the glimmers of rainbows forming in the sky. I see all the beauty and do not remember the storm that just passed by.

I FEEL MOM DRIFTING AWAY

I FEEL MOM DRIFTING AWAY


My mom will be eighty eight years old in fourteen days. For this I am quite grateful. Yet the last few weeks I can feel how she is starting to drift further away. One could say like a boat lost at sea, or caught in the mist of a dense fog.

Yes, we still have our special moments, and I can still hear the sound of joy and laughter coming from her as we speak.  I just notice that they are becoming less frequent. At times her voice sounds more lethargic and somewhat listless . Perhaps it is that she is moving further along with her Alzheimer's, and also being eighty eight makes her no spring chicken.

In the beginning of the week my mom sounded disoriented, complaining about back pains. She did not know where she lived, and only wanted to go back home, for fear that her mom would be worried about her. We were fortunate to realize that mom was having a UTI.(urinary tract infection) and quickly got her on an antibiotic. We were down this path several months ago, so we are now educated about what to do for her.  It is several days later now and mom sounds "back to normal".

My mom will kid around with me and tell me that I am catching up to her in age. "How about your height"? I ask of her. Mom who is under five feet tall, responds with" who knows maybe I still will grow".  At moments like this her humor warms my heart.

I try my best to keep her mind stimulated.  Mom has been an excellent speller and always had a great vocabulary. She seems to still get ninety percent of the words she spells correct. Yet when I ask her to spell Portugal, she says to me "what's that?, I never heard of it". Or she'll say" what is a lobster" ?, which mom use to love to eat. "Mom, can you spell illusion", "I never heard of that word". "Okay mom spell delusion" which she was able to do as simple as 1,2,3.

Her voice seems more tired and there are more days when she wants to take a nap. Mom was someone who never napped. I wonder if she is up all hours of the night, since I'm aware that people with Alzheimer's have awkward sleep patterns.  Day is night and nights can be day.They do not realize the difference, as if they are all rolled into one.

On the other side of this cloud is still some sunshine. My mom asked when am I coming to visit, after I had just described how foggy it was outside. She then was able to respond with that I shouldn't come to the sky brightens, because she would never want anything to happen to me.

"Mom, you can really break my heart, when you say things like that ". I continue with,"do you know how very much I love you"? She then answers with,"no, I know you love me ,but I do not understand what much means". I try to explain with a little surprise in my voice. Mom has difficulty understanding what the word "much" means.  I quickly move past this conversation .

No matter which way our conversations go, and no matter how much she is drifting away, I still hold on to how lucky I am. On most days we are still able to speak and laugh.  I cherish all our silly conversations and delight in the moments of joy that we still can share.  I have no idea how long my mom will be able to remember who I am, or my name, so today as always I am thankful for all that we still can share, as she seems to drift away.

RUTHIE'S ANGELS

As I begin my new post I want to share how much I admire and respect my mom's caregiver's. This is Elaine and Trudy(mother & daughter) who have been with my mom for the last several years. They are so caring and special.  I do not know how we would manage without them. Each day they arrive at Ruthie's house around 8AM and leave after they put her to sleep around 8PM . They are so kind and gentle to her.  I know how they have won mom over, and have touched her heart.

In the mornings they make sure that my mom is showered, dressed in clean clothes and prepare and give her three meals a day. They polish her nails, make sure she brushes her teeth, take her for haircuts, to doctors appointments and keep her company twelve hours a day. On most weekends and during the holidays they have her join them, at their own family gatherings.

When they first arrived my mom was a little feisty towards them, refusing to do some of the things they asked of her. Yet they always complimented  how nice she was to them. Today, although my mom can not express this to me, I know that she has so much trust and love for them. Sometimes when they arrive she is standing at the door waiting for them as she looks out her window.  It seems that they have become her lifeline.

This past weekend Elaine told me that they were taking my mom to a baby shower. "Great", I replied. When I spoke to mom she sounded quite sharp and aware. I could tell that this was a good day for her. "Mom I hear that you will be going to a baby shower". Mom quickly answered making a joke, saying that she had already taken a shower(which was true) and was not going to go. "Mom you should go you'll have a lovely time". With strong conviction she replied, that she did not feel like going, and that she'd rather stay home.

The next day I asked Trudy how the baby shower was, and with curiosity I wanted to know how did they ever get my mom out of her house. She confided in me, that to get my mom out of her house, what they will say to her is,"come Ruth follow us." Somehow, Ruthie seems to always follow. When she realizes that they are going in a car, instead of for a walk, she then asks if they will be coming back soon. Of course they say yes, and off they go. They do trick mom a little, although we are pleased that they are getting Ruthie out of her home.

After they were at the baby shower for several hours, my mom then quietly asked if they could leave and go back home . So they packed everything up and off they went . I'm sure that after a stimulating day, my mom had a great nights sleep.

My brother and I love that they not only take such wonderful care of mom, but that they bring her with them to birthday parties, fourth of July fireworks, Thanksgiving and Christmas celebrations, as well as their own family barbecue's.  In some strange ways, they seem to have adopted her, and she has become part of their family.

When I think about all the things that they do for my mom, and how they care for her with such kindness and understanding, that not only are they Ruthie's angels, they have also become mine. I wonder what would we ever do without them?