IN MOM'S WORLD - DO I LAUGH OR CRY ?

 IN MOM"S WORLD - DO I LAUGH OR CRY ?

This week in every conversation that I shared with my mom, who has Alzheimer's, I found many joyous and upbeat moments. That is until today.

The week started with my mom and myself being excited, that I would be coming to see her in twenty four days. I told my mom that the countdown began, and she asked me to write it down and send it to her, so she will remember. There is absolutely no point in doing that ,so I decided to start a counting exercise with her everyday. "Mom can you count backwards from twenty four to zero"? Mom declared with much enthusiasm, "of course I can do that" and she immediately started to count."Twenty four, twenty three, twenty two, twenty one," so quickly and correctly, until she reached zero.

I was amazed, how her memory, when it came to counting, and no less backwards, just like her spelling was so refreshingly sharp. I then asked her to count backwards skipping two at a time, and she immediately said twenty four, twenty two, twenty, eighteen until she reached zero. I really wonder how she is able to do this?

I laughed with her, as I told her that her memory works so well backwards, that maybe she should stand upside down . We then sang some songs, as we both giggled about silly little things we said to each other. Most importantly we shared one wonderful moment. Tomorrow will be twenty three days  until I arrive. I can hardly wait.

The next day I reminded my mom, that my brother would be coming to see her. As I continued to joke with her and keep our conversations both simple and light, I told her that she was so lucky to have Gil as her son. Mom answered immediately saying, " yes I am one lucky lady and I love you and Gil so very much". My heart just melted as I said " we are also so lucky to have you as our mother". Mom answered with, "thank you so much, for saying that to me". I hung up the phone, with a big smile on my face and much love in my heart. Only twenty two days, until I get to see my mom.

The day after when I called, Elaine her caregiver was laughing as she answered the phone. She told me that my mom had just got done telling her all about her own mother. My mom shared how kind, generous and giving her mom was. All of this was true.  As Elaine repeated the conversation to me my mom chirped in with " it's true, I would never make up stories".

Elaine handed the phone to mom.  I kidded mom about how she was when I was a child. "Oh you lived near me"?  With surprise in my voice, I answered with "mom I lived with you. Who do you think you're speaking to"? Mom then said, "I don't know".

When I hung up, I turned to my husband and laughed, as I repeated my conversation that I just had with my mom. I'm not sure how funny I actually thought it was, although I do get joy from the silly unexpected things that she is still able to say. I guess I'm lucky to still be able to laugh with her or find some joy in her childish ways.

The following days phone call was a little different.  Mom did not know my name. "Mom I'm your daughter, you actually named me". I heard Trudy, Elaine's daughter say to my mom that my name started with the letter L. My mom then said with much question in her voice, "Louise?(nope)Lucy?(nope) Laura?(nope), until I said my name is Lisa. "Mom what is your son's name" I asked, and Ruthie was able to answer correctly. I then asked her name, and her middle name, and she responded with," Ruth Esther", which was absolutely correct. "Okay mom what is my middle name"? She had no idea.
 I then asked what color hair I had. Mom answered " black", I quickly responded that was not my color. Then she said "red". Okay mom, I've had blond hair for at least the last thirty years.  I asked to speak to Trudy and I said with laughter, "my mom sounded good, yet I guess this is not one of her better days".

As I hung up I felt sadness in my heart.  I wondered if I lived closer would she never forget my name. In my heart I know the answer. Distance has really nothing much to do with what happened today. It's what Alzheimer's does to their victims. I was able to smile and continue on with my day, although, if I say it did not sadden me I would not be telling the truth.

I still keep a smile in my heart, and now have only nineteen more days until I see my mom. I will then be able to give her a big kiss and squeeze her tightly. I do wonder if I am the child or the mother. I guess maybe, a little of both.

I still choose to laugh and cherish all the love that my mom and I still can share. For I know that one day this may no longer be possible.  So for today, I'd rather feel the thrill of laughter, than the tears of sadness.

LIKE A MIRACLE

 LIKE A MIRACLE

I have heard that Alzheimer's can come and go. Actually it never really disappears yet there can be moments and even a day where speaking to my mom, she almost seems not to have any form of dementia. Okay maybe I am exaggerating a little, although when these moments come it feels like a miracle.

My brother recently told me a cute story about my mom's conversation with a visiting nurse. The nurse was trying to see if my mom needed any other care. My brother and Trudy her caregiver, were with her when the nurse arrived. She asked my mother many questions, ones that mom could not answer correctly. Then the nurse asked mom if she knew what month it was. My mom answered "July". The nurse said" no it's April". My feisty mom responded, "if  you know what month it is then why ask me"? As my brother shared this with me, we both laughed and I smiled with pleasure, a pleasure, that mom was still there.
 

Yesterday when I spoke to my mom her dementia seemed to be gone. I started the conversation by telling her that Logan would be staying at my house for a week while studying for a test. I explained that he had three roommate's, and after working all day it was hard to study in his apartment. Not only did my mom listen, she also was able to make comments about him and ask me questions.  Being in the moment, my mom spoke about Logan, her one and only grandchild.  She reminisced how smart and sweet he is. Could this really be miracle ? You see my mom on most days cannot follow a conversation, and does not remember her grandsons name.


From far away each day as I speak to my mom I try to stimulate her mind,by the use of words, questions and of course spelling and singing.  There are times she rushes me off the phone by saying "I'm going to hang up now". "Mom I just called, and mom says anyway, "I'm going to say goodbye". "That's okay mom just before you hang up, you need to throw me my kisses". And once again that is how our phone calls end. I catch her kisses, as when I was a young child, and safely place them in my pocket.

I am able to enjoy all the words my mom still can say.  I do not question the other parts. What would be the sense? It would only upset me, so I choose to appreciate and savor, what I still can call these special moments. Are they miracles? Or perhaps magic?  To me, it does not really matter.

FEELINGS OF MY MOM

FEELINGS OF MY MOM

This week I had committed to volunteering at a nursing home that was filled on one floor with dementia patients.  I questioned myself why I was doing this, and thought of cancelling.  My thoughts of course were about my mom who suffers with Alzheimer's disease .  I did not truly understand why I would place myself in such an atmosphere, that would only bring up my feelings about my own mother. Yet I felt that since I made the commitment I needed to live up to it and at least go this one time.

Approaching the building I felt a heaviness and took a deep breath as I proceeded to go inside.  I would be assisting with the piano player who also sings to the patients. I know how much joy singing brings to my mom, and I thought that it would be giving back, to perhaps bring some joy into others lives.

As I sang along, I was touched by a lovely lady who sat directly next to the piano player. I was told that she did not really speak anymore, yet each week she came to here him sing and play. I witnessed her starting to come alive and watched as the melody came out of her lips. Our eyes connected as I sang the melodies.  I smiled at her and her lips seemed to smile back.  She reminded me of my mom, as tears slowly filled my eyes.  I wondered what if anything she might have been feeling ?

I thought about my own mom, and wondered what at moments does she feel?  Feelings that she can no longer really express, because the moment after they are felt, they just seem to vanish. Although, as of now my mom still has some life left. Today she did ask me when I would be coming to see her, and expressed how very much she missed me.

This sweet lady that I briefly met this week deeply touched me. I had this warm feeling of just wanting to take her in my arms, as I so often wish to do with my own mom.  And  then to tell her not to worry, that everything will be okay. I realized that one day, and I do not know when, this could be my mom.  That her Alzheimer's will eventually win, and rob her of all that she still has left.

Just as I was leaving this sweet lady whispered to me thank you, and we both smiled, as I gently kissed her on her cheek, and once again tears for my mom swelled in my eyes.

Leaving to go home I had such a yearning to be able to see my mom and to hold her and touch her.  I shared this with my husband later that evening and for the rest of the night and into the next morning I had an overwhelming sadness, and wondered what my mom, and this lady were doing at this very moment.

Maybe deep down what I really want is for my mom to be able to hold me and squeeze me and tell me that everything will be alright. Perhaps, like the picture, I just want to be that little girl again and have my mom take care of me. As we know life does not go backwards and my feelings of wanting to be protected and cuddled by mom can no longer exist.  So as each day goes by, I can  hold on to all that we have left and remember all the special moments of my childhood.

Fact- 5.4 Million Americans have Alzheimer's. Alzheimer's is worldwide epidemic having no cure.

NEW FACTS & FIGURES ON ALZHEIMER'S- 2012

The facts are astonishing. There is no cure and no prevention. Please help us spread awareness about Alzheimer's. We need your help.

Alzheimer's Disease Facts and Figures 2012

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‎5.4 million Americans are living with Alzheimer's disease. One in eight older Americans has Alzheimer's disease. Alzheimer's disease is the sixth-leading cau...

ICE CREAM SUNDAE

ICE CREAM SUNDAE

My mom has become a real sweetie.  Maybe as sweet as vanilla fudge ice cream. Lately she has had glimpses of her memory back.  First she heard someone being called Arthur on a television show and mom said to Elaine her caregiver, " Arthur was my husbands name".  Elaine has been with my mom for over two years and she never heard my mom mention his name.  And next it has been my mom's miraculous memory about being promised ice cream.

Trudy who is Elaine's daughter also takes care of my mom. When I called the other day Trudy proceeded to tell me about my mom's conversations and memory about ice cream. It was so cute and innocent that not only did it make me laugh and smile, it also had me going around telling friends about it.

Three days later my mom who cannot remember who my husband of thirty years is, seems to keep remembering and reminding her caregivers that she has been promised ice cream.  I have heard for several years that my mom loves sweets. As a child I remember that my dad was the sweet eater. Neither of my parents were overweight, yet my dad use to love to have sweets. Mom seemed to have enjoyed them also, yet since she has Alzheimer's I've been told that she just craves them. Of course this is not what we nourish mom with. She's been allowed an occasional donut or ice cream yet we try to have her eat a well balanced meal.

Anyway the last visit to her doctor my mom had lost two pounds. So Trudy told my mom that if she ate all of her dinner she would give mom some ice cream for desert. My mom ate everything and as a child might do she waited anxiously to be served her treat. The next morning after my mom ate her breakfast and finished everything off her plate she asked Trudy, "aren't I going to have the ice cream you promised me"? Trudy said "Ruth not for breakfast".  My mom who cannot remember that I even called  kept repeating to me about having her ice cream after each meal that she finished.

This silly childish thing had my brother and I quite excited. My brother and Elaine think that it's the coconut oil that they have been giving mom for the last several weeks. My brother read an article about it and he decided to try it on mom.  Regardless of what it is, as long as my mom is happy and having fun that is all that matters to me. I really cannot believe that I felt such a thrill to hear my mom tell me each day, that she had been promised ice cream.

I told my mom that when I come to visit in several weeks I promise to take her out for a big vanilla fudge sundae. We both laughed and whatever joy my mom is recently having I also realized how much more it effects Elaine and Trudy's day.  Yes they are the loveliest and kindest people and having a job as a caregiver is not an easy one. It takes a very special person to be able to do it. They have both shared with me how lovely and nice my mom is, yet taking care of an Alzheimer's person for twelve hours each day certainly can be draining.  So as excited and uplifted that I felt hearing the story, you can only imagine the fun they had telling it.
laughing as I heard my mom in the background both singing and laughing as well. They had just finished dancing. As I said goodnight I also said "thanks Elaine for calling and please, just keep having fun".


Last night I received a call from Elaine who was laughing as I heard my mom in the background both singing and laughing as well. They had just finished dancing. As I said goodnight I also said "thanks Elaine for calling and please, just keep having fun".

IS THIS A DREAM OR A NIGHTMARE ?

 IS THIS A DREAM OR A NIGHTMARE ?

On Saturday around 10:30 in the morning I received a phone call from Elaine my mom’s caregiver.  Elaine phoned to tell me that since she could not reach my brother she would like permission to take my mother with Trudy, her daughter and her grandson to the beach.

My answer was that I thought it was a lovely idea, and shared with Elaine how my mom use to love to go to the beach.  I also explained to Elaine that I thought it would be quite difficult for my mom to actually walk on the beach and be in the hot sun.  I reminded her that because of mom’s macular degeneration the bright sun and the reflection of the water would blind her vision.  I was just happy that my mom would be getting out and had total trust in Elaine and Trudy.

That was the last time in two days that I had any contact with my mom or her caregivers.  I speak to my mom everyday and after not being able to reach anyone, no matter what time I tried or whose number I called, by early evening on Sunday, I started to feel concerned and frightened.

On Sunday I was with my son during the day, so I was a little preoccupied. I actually had forgotten that I was unable to reach my mom.  I now wondered that if my mom was in a hospital my brother or Elaine would have surely contacted me.  Could all the phone circuits be out of order in Florida?  I knew that was highly unlikely.  Finally that evening my brother called me back around 9PM and reassured me that he had spoken to my mom around 12:30 that day. He agreed with me that I had a reason to be upset for neither Elaine or Trudy answered their cell phones or called me back after leaving several voice mails. They split the twelve hour shift of taking care of my mom, so where were they? My mom’s phone just rang and rang, and all I was left with was total silence.

I tried again between 8PM and 8:30PM when my mom is ready for bed.  Still at this time her telephone just continuously rang. Where could she be?  I felt so helpless and there was absolutely nothing I could do.

As I went to bed I had a thought of what it might feel like when I can no longer speak to my mom. There was a feeling of a hole and an empty space in my life.  When I finally fell asleep that night I had a dream about by mom.  It was a lovely dream.  My mom was by a beach or a nursing facility, and she seemed to have come back to life.  She was changing her clothes and having conversations with other people, not exactly as my mom use to be, yet she seemed free of Alzheimer’s.   My mom appeared to be whole. The dream was so surreal.  Yet when I awoke the feelings of heaviness were still with me.

Was it the fears of knowing that one day even if my mom is still alive I may not be able to speak to her? That I may not hear the sound of her voice?  Or was it a deeper fear, that one day my mom will be gone.  I have so many feelings, although on most days I seem to be able to stay in the moment. For the moment is truly all that I have.

Was I upset because I could not speak to my mom or was I upset for the unknown? Did I awake to a dream or was it a nightmare, disguised in its own reality?  As I speak to other adult children whose parents have Alzheimer’s this seems to be a similar fear.  We sit, we wait, we watch as our parents slowly disappear from this world.

FACT – Every 68 seconds someone in the United States is diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease. Currently there is no prevention and no cure.

LITTLE THINGS CAN MEAN ALOT

LITTLE THINGS CAN MEAN ALOT

My mom grew up with a love of books . In the summers her parents took her to the country where she would spend hours reading under a tree. I remember as a child, how my mom delighted in sharing this experience with me. My mom loved words as much as she loved reading. One of her favorites books was "Gone with the Wind".

My mother was born in 1924 and in her teens there was no such thing as a televison. I think that her mind and love of reading made it possible for her to only imagine and see what it might have been like to travel the world. My mom always had a quest for learning something she took well into her aging years.

Today my husband and I were going to see a tour of the New York Public Library( 42nd St & 5th Ave.). It is a treasured New York City Landmark. Probably rated as the greatest library in the United States and ranked very high in the world. The collection of books and the beauty of this institue can take ones breath away.

Yet I, as a young child did not share my mom's love of literature. I excitedly shared with her about my planned trip to visit the library which she had very little response to. She did say "oh are you going to buy a book"? So somehow, my mom was able to connect the dots in what a library might be. Her love of literature, reading and words are all but now gone. Yet she still can spell and is actually pretty good at it.

Her disease has not only stolen from her most of memory, it has also stolen her love of reading. With macular degeneration and no concentration reading for my mom seems to be impossible.

I tried to lighten the conversation ,probably more for myself than her, and shared with her that maybe one day "our book"will appear on the shelves of the library. Mom answered with "maybe one day, one never knows".

I smiled to myself because somewhere as my mom slips away there always seems to be some shimmer of light as her words of reason still flow from her.

This may not seem like a miracle for most people, yet for someone who has had Alzheimer's for at least 7-8 years my mom seems to be holding on. Of course not in many ways, yet the ways that are left for me are stilll so dear to my heart.

Each day I get to love my mom some more and to share with her whatever we have left. Each day that I hear her say to her caregiver when I phone ," oh my daughter's on the phone" means more to me than words can really say. So to my mom who has become my best friend I will also say "little things can mean alot". Thanks mom, for who you are.

THOSE SPECIAL MOMENTS

THOSE SPECIAL MOMENTS

My mom  has really been doing great the last couple of weeks. Will it last? Who knows, and for how long? It doesn't really matter.  I just hold on tightly to all the love that she fills my heart with, and all the smiles she adds to my face.

Today my mom started to speak to me in Yiddish.  I think I recall that my grandfather spoke alittle of it when I was young.  Although he came here as a child from Europe he learned to speak perfect English.  My mom sounded great and I was teasing her about her "new" language.  I requested some lesssons from her, for as a child I never heard my mom speak Yiddish.  As I hung up the phone, I laughed and was totally amazed ,for my mom who cannot remember what she ate for breakfast, is now easily speaking in another language to me. Who know's where this came from. I immediately called my brother and shared it with him and his response was "are you serious, mom's speaking Yiddish". I answered, "I sure am".

Just the other day I shared with my mom what I had recently written about her. I told her the title, "My Very Special Mom". She thanked me and said that it was quite a compliment to her. "Mom, if I didn't mean it I would not say it". We both laughed and she said that it was still very sweet of me to say these things.  To keep mom's mind stimulated I asked her to spell compliment". Mom spelt it correctly. I then asked her to spell several other words, which she also correctly spelt. Then out of the blue, my mom said "I don't want to spell anymore. "Why"?, I asked. My mom replied with that she was in bed and didn't care if she spelt or not.

"Mom it's 11AM why are you in bed"? As if I was hearing a young child my mom said, she did not know that it was so early, and asked me what should she do"? "Mom are you tired"? Mom answered with that she didn't know. She suddenly went from spelling and sounding so sharp, to now sounding like a lost child.

Here I go again with this overwhelming feeling of how I just want to hold her in my arms and to cradle her like a child. I want to have her near me to tell her not to be afraid that everything will be fine. Yet I know this is not how it will be.

Is it my mom that I want to hold or is it the fears that lie deep within me?  These feelings came to me from my heart not from my head. They can at moments scare me, and at other times I forget about my mom's illness and am able to just love the special moments, that we still can share.

There seems to be alot more attention to Alzheimer's lately. I have listened and read in much detail about different findings and the optimistic feelings by neuroscientists who believe that there will be a major breakthrough within fifteen to twenty years. This will not help my mom or the millions of people who now suffer around the world with this disease. It probably would not even help me if I were to get Alzheimer's, yet I can only imagine and pray for a world free of this disease. A disease that only the families that are stricken with can truly understand. A disease that somehow can wipe away a whole person life as if it never existed, leaving them with absolutely nothing.

So for now my mom and I still get to sing and laugh and I get to love her so completely, as she still puts a smile on my face and joy in my heart. What we now can share are very special moments that I will always treasure.

MY VERY SPECIAL MOM

MY VERY SPECIAL MOM

I just booked a flight to see my mom on Mother’s Day weekend (May 2012). I realize that it is still several months away, yet I seem to get excited and thrilled about visiting my mom.  I am going to phone her right away to share my excitement with her.

"Hi mom, I just called to tell you that I will be visiting you in a couple of weeks”. “Oh great, are you coming alone”?  “Yes mom, I am coming on Mother’s Day weekend because you are my favorite mom”.  My mom laughs aloud and answers with,” that’s great because you only have one mother”. “Yes mom, and even if I had a few mom’s I promise that you would still be my favorite”. My mom then said " I love you".  I wasn't totally sure what I heard my mom say, so I asked her to repeat it. Mom then said, "I almost said I like you, except I really love you".  I answered with "wow mom you just melted my heart".

3 Years Ago

Most everyday that I speak to my mom she would ask me when I am coming over.  She says that she thought I would have visited her just the other day.  I try to explain to her that I live too far away.  Sometimes my mom tells me to take the bus or subway and does not comprehend how far I live.  Sometimes she says” oh I forgot you live so far away”.  I’m in New York and my mom is in Florida.  It gets me sad, that I cannot just get in my car or on the bus or the subway, as she suggests, and visit her for a couple of hours each day.   It seems to put a pang in my heart that she does not understand why I cannot visit her more often.

 I explain to my mom that I’ll be visiting again shortly.  Does time, weeks or days mean anything to her?  Not really, everything is just rolled into one day, one moment; one time for this is all she knows, and all that she is capable of remembering.

As usual, as I leave my mom, she has no memory of my visit.  Yet I know that I just saw her, and for me, at this moment, this is all that is important.  When I return this May (2012) from seeing my mom she will not remember.  Yet to me she is my mom, my very special mom and I wish to celebrate with her all the love I have for her.

 I so much cherish the times that we still have together.  Some days seem to better than others.  Alzheimer’s is such a strange disease, on the way that it comes and goes.  My mom and I are still able to share some smiles and joys together and I know that I must keep looking for the rainbow.  Yes, to me, she will always be, my very special mom.

PRINCESS RUTHIE, MY HERO

PRINCESS RUTHIE, MY HERO

3 Years Ago

I try to spell with my mom a lot so I may keep her mind active and stimulated.  Does this really help?  I’m not really sure, although today in 2012, I continue to spell with her. I  really enjoy doing this exercise with my mom.

 Several years ago mom use to mention from time to time about these men that were flirting with her. She’d tell me that even though she’s a princess, since I called her Princess Ruthie, she still had to clean her house(which she no longer could do) and she’d then break into singing “Que sera, sera, the futures not ours to see que sera,sera”.  At these times Ruthie was so up and seemed so happy.  It was times like this that I totally enjoyed rejoicing with her.  How I had loved and cherished her happiness and enthusiasm.  It didn’t matter where it came from, it just made me so happy to hear her so happy.  Whatever world she might have been in, it did not matter.  My mom no longer tells me about the flirting men or how she is busy cleaning her house.  That was then, and this is now.

February 2012

Mom still sounds on most days cheerful although I know that she is struggling to hold on.  We can no longer have any real conversations and her words of wisdom have pretty much disappeared.  When I say something to her she will answer with a two to three word response.  Sometimes what she says makes perfect sense, and at other times I need to understand what she is trying to say (mean).

Yet Ruthie is still a pretty good speller.  We have been reciting the whole A-Z alphabet song where my mom gets giddy as she is reciting.  We then start with A and go all the way to Z as mom spells correctly on her own, almost every word I ask her to.  This still amazes me because it certainly takes a memory to spell, especially since mom is not even writing anything down.

The other day when we were done spelling and having  fun, my mom made a serious comment that her mind was not working.  I quickly responded with “mom you have a very good mind ,how can you say that, didn’t you just spell the whole alphabet”?  My mom said nothing. There was just total silence.

At moments like this it definitely seems to be getting more difficult.  I often wonder when my mom says something like that, what is she really thinking. The good thing is that no matter what she immediately thinks, her thoughts are then wiped away, like a ship that is lost at sea.  Lost in her memory for she cannot hold onto anything that she just said, or even imagined.  

I take one day at a time and somehow my mom is still doing pretty well.  She is a strong lady and her spirit has captured my heart in so many ways.   My mom Ruthie ,remains my hero.

COMING HOME

 COMING HOME

Frank Sinatra sang about his home town New York City, and for my mom and dad this was their home where they were born and raised. My parents left and moved to Florida in 1987 just before my son Logan was born. I have tried since my mom has been ill, to move her back to her home town. Mom's answers have always remained the same.

My mom seems to have bounced back to where she was, before her two frightening episodes of hallucination( which was caused by a UTI infection). This episode landed my mom in the hospital two times just a few weeks ago. I'm absolutely thrilled, knowing how good she is now doing, and I also know that it is temporary. Maybe we'll be lucky and maybe mom will stay how she is for a while . This is all one BIG maybe.

Anyway several days ago when my mom expressed how she missed me and wanted to know when I would be coming to visit . I surprised her with "mom why don't you come and visit me in New York".
I know that this is impossible for her to take this trip, yet mom answered with a "maybe". "Great mom we can go to the Empire State building" which at that moment I really believed that my mom had remembered this landmark. Ruthie replied with "I don't know, it's very high". "Okay mom instead we can enjoy a boat ride around Manhattan" which mom laughed about.

Yes, my mom will be coming back to the city sooner than later. For I want to be near her, and so when she does return ,she will be moving into a nursing home. One that is close to my home so I can visit with her several times a week, and take care of my mom, the way many years ago she took care of me.

Two Years Ago:

Elaine had suggested to me that instead of Logan and I coming to Florida in 2010  to visit my mom, perhaps she should bring my mom to New York.  My initial reaction was one of excitement,” oh great I could take her out to some of her favorite places”, only to follow immediately with reality.  That would not have worked at all.  The summer in 2009 when my mom came to visit with my brother she became more disoriented and even though my husband, my son and I were all with her it was extremely hard on all of us, especially my mom.   I am now living in a new home; one my mom has never stayed at.   I told Elaine that it would be much better for Logan and I to go to mom’s home, a place that my mom felt safe in.  My heart felt heavy knowing that my mom’s last trips to visit me or any other place were now all in the past.  My mom would never see my new home, and if she did she would never remember it.   

My mom ,my hero, I know that one day soon, I will be bringing you back home. Your home called New York City .

A DAY FILLED WITH SUNSHINE

A DAY FILLED WITH SUNSHINE

Today was a really good day for my mom as were the last several days.  My heart seems to go up and down with lightness and heaviness depending how my mom is doing each day.  I know this has to be a normal response and I do not question it.  I just know that this is how it is ever since my Ruthie became ill with Alzheimer's.

Fortunately for us my mom still has enough good moments for me to have a smile on my face and to delight in our daily phone calls. Just today I said to my mom after we sang several somgs that neither of us remembered the words to, "Mom, are you my sweetheart", and my Ruthie answered with, "no how could we be, we're both girls. If you were not a girl then I could call you sweetheart".  We both laughed and at that moment, I think even mom understood how silly our converstion was. It really does not matter I just love hearing the sound of my mom's laughter .

The next part of what I'm about to share was at a moment that my heart felt quite heavy.  It goes like this:

As I sat in the waiting room for a tour of another nursing home for my mom, I was left in deep thought and feeling rather sad.  I have seen the dementia floors in several nursing homes only to keep feeling that my mom was not ready for this. Although my mom's illness will progress I know that she has some life left in her. Bringing her to one of these places will probably really upset her and the thought of it seems to sicken me.

My husband has been touring these facilities with me and we are sadly starting to speak about our own mortality and what might lie ahead for us. I'm sure that if my mom could reason, and truly understand what her illness will be doing to her, as it progresses ,she'd probably wish deep in her heart to be able to say goodbye now.

My mom on most days seems happy, yet she has no idea what day or year it is. She knows not where she lives nor can she remember most of her life. I've often described her mind like a blank canvas. It is amazing that Alzheimer's can just remove ones life as if it never existed. My mom has no idea what is happening in the world (which may not be such a bad thing). And although my mom does not remember that I just called or visited her, I know that she can still feel all the love I have for her.

Life can be great and life can be wonderful. Life can also be cruel and hard. None of us know what lies ahead , so we must truly be happy and thankful for each new day that we have. These days are truly a gift.  I know that my mom only wishes for me a day filled with sunshine.