SENTIMENTAL FEELINGS

SENTIMENTAL FEELINGS

As I sat down to write my blog post I started thinking about this past Sunday, when it was Mother's Day. Mine was a special one, since I was able to celebrate and be with my son.

Of course I missed seeing my mom and called the nursing home several times trying to wish her a Happy Mother's Day.  I was unable to reach her, yet I did speak to the nurse and asked her to please send mom my love and kisses. In truth it did not really matter for mom would not understand what I was speaking about.

The distance between us keeps us apart, although I think that I was missing more the pieces of mom that are no longer present. I missed the laughter and conversations that we once shared. I missed being able to call her and describe what was happening in my life.

I wanted to get away from feeling unhappy, so I decided to choose a picture for my blog that would bring me some joy.  I picked a picture of my mother and father from the mid eighties. Logan, my son was around three years old, and mom and dad in their early sixties. These were very happy times, ones that I love to recall and reminisce about.

Today mom's journey is so different. She is slipping away more each day, and dad passed away over nineteen years ago. Life seems to go round in circles, the young grow up, we become older, as life continues to moves on. 

I choose to focus on the brighter days, ones that were filled with a love so pure and strong. I hope that the memories I have of my parents will remain with me. I want to cherish whatever life I have left, and to feel as much happiness that each day can bring.

Today is a gift for no one knows what tomorrow holds. So let's try to celebrate our lives and not hold on to the things that are troubling us.

I wish that I could take away mom's Alzheimer's and bring her back to whole, yet I cannot. Having the strength to be thankful for what we have, is certainly a gift that I want to treasure.

 

MY MOM MY HERO is for all the special people in your lives. Over 150 great reviews.

Available on Amazon & Kindle worldwide.

http://www.amazon.com/Mom-Hero-Alzheimers-A-daughters-bittersweet/dp/0615773982/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1389797650&sr=8-1&keywords=lisa+hirsch

WHAT IS A MOTHER?

WHAT IS A MOTHER?


If we asked the question what is a mother, there would be quite a few different answers, though most would be filled with love.

 I have found some that I would like to share:

"A mother is someone who loves unconditionally and places the needs of her children above her own, on a personal level, and not only with words, but also actions."

"A mother is someone who loves you and who cares for you in every way. She sits down and listens to what you have to say."

"A mother is the one who loves, nurtures, raises, finds puzzle pieces, helps with homework, kisses booboos, and reads bedtime stories".

"Choosing to adopt is sometimes an agonizing decision, but such a great one. Providing a child with love and a home, what could be better? Mother can be a birth mom, technically. To be a mommy, that is the real privilege."

"Mother is the woman who raises you, who is there for you to hold and comfort you when you are sick or hurt, the woman who laughs with you, who cries with you, who loves you, even when you aren't exactly lovable, for whatever reason. This is a"real"mother."

"There are many descriptions of the word mother, and many are applicable. Only those with "closed eyes" can't see that there are many meanings to "mother." A person who gives birth is a mother. A person who raises a child is mother. A person who loves and cares for a child is a mother."

"Being a mother is the hardest job in the world!"

Each one of us who has a mother with Alzheimer's, or has lost a mother to Alzheimer's, or any other illness, know that they will always be our mother. The love they feel in their hearts for us, whether they can express it or not, will always remain.

As my mom drifts further and further away and our roles have reversed, it is a privilege for me to love, cherish and care for her as she had done for me. I myself am a mother, I know so well that being a mother is one of the hardest and most rewarding jobs in the world!

Please take a moment and reflect ,with a smile on your face and joy in your heart, of how lucky we are to have had our mothers. This disease might have stolen them from us, yet not all the love that they have showed us.

Although my mom most likely has no idea what Mother's Day means, I want to share with her all the love I have in my heart for her, today and forever. For all the other mothers I wish you all a very Happy Mother's Day.

MY MOM MY HERO book is dedicated to my mother and yours.  Over 150 great reviews.

Available on Amazon & Kindle worldwide.

http://www.amazon.com/Mom-Hero-Alzheimers-A-daughters-bittersweet/dp/0615773982/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1389797650&sr=8-1&keywords=lisa+hirsch

A DEEP & PURE LOVE

 A DEEP & PURE LOVE


Many moons ago my mom's world was sunny and bright. It was filled with excitement, love and joy. She had no idea that one day her entire life would vanish, as if it never existed. Truth be told, neither did I, for I had never heard of Alzheimer's.

Even into her later years mom yearned to continue learning. Her passion for knowledge was important to her. She loved to read and through reading, and taking college courses, she continued to stimulate herself.

Today because of this dreadful disease almost everything she learned has disappeared. She has been robbed, even more, by having the memory of her entire life swept away as if it never existed.

My brother just returned to Florida after visiting me in New York. As he was here I continued to place my daily calls to the nursing home. With each call I reminded the nurses that my mother would not be having any family visitors for the next two weeks. I was aware of her being all alone that somehow I was trying to protect her. Yet in her world I'm sure she did not even realize this.

 This realization had me wondering about all the other people who live in a nursing home (especially those with Alzheimer's) and have no family or friends to visit them. Perhaps they are "locked away" without any key to free them from this awful world they now live in.  It is a world entwined and disguised as one.

Although the facility that my mom now lives in has no fancy hallways, activity rooms or bedrooms,  the nurses and aides all seem happy. When I think of the kindness and care that my mother is receiving I feel some sense of security and know this is what is most important.

My heart could easily break in two, if I allowed myself to think how my mom just wanders the hallways alone each day. She seems to be mesmerized, lost in her world not knowing where to go and what to do.

I realize I am fortunate that my mom is still alive. The love I feel for her is deep and pure,  a bond that can never be broken. Each day I lose my mother a little more, yet each day I also get to love her some more.

MY MOM MY HERO is for everyone who loves their mother. Over 150 great reviews.

Available on Amazon & Kindle worldwide.

http://www.amazon.com/Mom-Hero-Alzheimers-A-daughters-bittersweet/dp/0615773982/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1389797650&sr=8-1&keywords=lisa+hirsch

EVERLASTING LOVE

EVERLASTING LOVE

I once believed that all mothers and daughters were close. This was not necessarily true for mom and me.  During my teenage years we had moved to a new town. Wanting to feel accepted by the other girls was important to me . As my"new"friends came over to my home, I felt embarrassed  as my mother hung around asking them many questions . My friends though didn't seem to mind, for they kept coming back.

Out of my own insecurities this left me with an uncomfortable feeling towards my mother. I know that we loved one another, just that over time it seemed that our personalities clashed more and more. While living on my own I phoned once a week, just so I wouldn't hear her complain about not  hearing from me. 

For many years we had our share of ups and downs. When my dad passed away, amazingly enough my mom and I got along fabulously. Then without warning our disagreements re-emerged. Yet immediately after mom became ill, there was a major shift  in how I felt toward her. In a strange way I was given a second chance to love her unconditionally.

During these last months since mom entered the nursing home, I found myself filled with many different emotions. I often questioned the quality of her life. This in turn brought up feelings about my own mortality.

As her disease progresses, I have wondered if she really knows who I am. Sometimes I think yes and at other times I am not so sure. Then the other day mom described to my brother's fiancée that her daughter Lisa lived far away in New York City. Mom at that moment had some clarity.  Alzheimer's disease bewilders me. How can one's whole world disappear, and then reappear only to last for a minute?

Recently I have felt some contentment. I no longer wish that mom would peacefully go to sleep. I recognize that I am blessed, for I know that I can still feel the tenderness of her touch and hear the sweetness of her voice. What I do not know, is how long this will last.

While visiting, I witnessed  mom sharing her kisses with all the nurses. I watched and listened as she told them that she loved them. My family is fortunate that my mother is still filled with love and not frustration and anger like some other's who suffer from this disease.

My mom, who I love so deeply, has opened up my heart in many ways. This everlasting love I feel for her is embedded deep into my soul. Today and always she remains my hero.

MY MOM MY HERO is for all the special people in your lives. Over 150 great reviews.

Available on Amazon & Kindle worldwide.

http://www.amazon.com/Mom-Hero-Alzheimers-A-daughters-bittersweet/dp/0615773982/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1389797650&sr=8-1&keywords=lisa+hirsch

"POETIC" CLOSURE

"POETIC" CLOSURE

Before I left to see my mother a nurse told her that I was on the telephone. My mom then replied, "I do not have a daughter." The next day when I called mom got on the phone and immediately said "I love you." When I answered that I was coming to see her she said "great". I used to want to believe, and maybe it was so, that my mom knew and understood who I was, as she shared her expressions of love for me. That was then, and as her Alzheimer's gets worse, I do not know if she truly understands that I am her daughter.

It had been over a year since my son Logan visited his grandma. He used to accompany me two times a year while mom still lived at home. On one of his last trips mom asked him how many brothers and sisters he had, and as he exited the room she only wanted to know who that handsome "boy" was.  The fact is that Logan is her one and only grandchild, one whom she so adored.

This trip was a little difficult for both of us. For the first 2 days mom was extremely tired which left her agitated and confused. Fortunately, on Day Three mom had a good day and right before we left fell asleep on Logan's shoulder. This was a touching moment that melted all of our hearts.

 After returning the one question my friends wanted to know was if she still knew who I was. "Maybe, for she did say my name two times in three days," I replied. Perhaps mom recognized my voice or the tenderness of my touches. When I asked her who I was, she said "her mother." I felt complimented that she placed me in this special arena, knowing how much she adored her own mother. Could she have meant her daughter, or as other Alzheimer patients do, did she just mix up her words?

She told me she loved me, yet I heard her say this to all the nurses and aides as she threw them kisses. They have displayed a kindness and warmth to her, which I feel is quite genuine. Fortunately mom still runs around most of the day in her Merry Walker inviting everyone she sees to join her on her travels. Ruthie with her smiles and sweet demeanor has been able to capture their hearts .

Whether my mother knows who I am or not this trip seemed to be harder for me. I was left with unanswered questions and thoughts of mom's life as it now exists. She will be ninety years old in August with no other health issues. If she were free from Alzheimer's I would be thrilled. Given what this disease has done to her I wonder if there is any quality left in her life.

MY MOM MY HERO is for all the special people in your lives. Over 100 great reviews.

Available on Amazon & Kindle worldwide.

http://www.amazon.com/Mom-Hero-Alzheimers-A-daughters-bittersweet/dp/0615773982/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1389797650&sr=8-1&keywords=lisa+hirsch

IS THIS THE LONG GOODBYE ?

IS THIS THE LONG GOODBYE ?


My best friend's mother just passed away after suffering from Alzheimer's for the last several years. As she sat by her mom's bed for the last week watching her fade away, I could not stop to wonder what it will be like for my mom when her time arrives. As I received the news uncontrollable tears began to run down my face. I knew a great deal of the sorrow that I was feeling was connected to my own personal grief.

At the Alzheimer support group that I have been attending for almost three years, my leader has been telling me that I was in a grieving process. The first time she said this to me, I responded that I was not, because my mom, was not dying. Now I understand all, too much.

It's funny because just the other day one of mom's nurses reassured me, with delight in her voice, that my mom was doing great. She shared with me how blessed my mom was and that she'll be around for quite a while. After hanging up the phone my emotions, thoughts and feelings ran rampant.

Yes, I understand that I am lucky to still have my mom, yet I also know how much more Alzheimer's can rob from her. Just thinking of how much worse she could become, as this disease progresses, leaves me feeling nauseous and sick to my stomach.

I must confess, that at moments throughout the years, knowing that there is no cure, I have wished that my mom could just close her eyes and go to sleep. I know that if she understood or could see what was happening to her, she would also wish for the same.

Today, I am in mourning for my best friend's mom and maybe also grieving for mine. For now I know that I must express what I am feeling to free myself from these haunting thoughts.

Maybe for my mother and our family this will be a long goodbye. Whatever it is I need to get back into the space of feeling grateful. In less than two weeks I will be going with my son to visit her.  As long as I can see her smile and hear her say she loves me, I will push myself to come from a place of being thankful. Yet for now, I can only feel saddened.

MY MOM MY HERO is for all the special people in your lives. Over 100 great reviews.

Available on Amazon & Kindle worldwide.

http://www.amazon.com/Mom-Hero-Alzheimers-A-daughters-bittersweet/dp/0615773982/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1389797650&sr=8-1&keywords=lisa+hirsch



 

SHE'S ALWAYS MY MOTHER

SHE'S ALWAYS MY MOTHER


As each day passes my mom has her moments of distance and familiarity. It had been several days since I was able to hear her sweet voice. I phone each day and get updates from the nurses on how she is doing. I have learned to accept this, although I deeply miss the kisses that once ended all of our daily calls.

Today is what I would consider a day filled with sunshine. Mom was just walking by the nursing station as I phoned. She picked up the receiver and as I shared my sentiments with her, my eyes filled with moisture. "Mom I really miss you." She answered back in a voice that sounded free of Alzheimer's. "I miss you, too." I was thrilled to tell her that I would be visiting her in exactly four weeks. Her answer was "that's wonderful," as she dropped the phone.

It was a moment of magic for me to cherish. Somethings never change for just hearing her voice warms my heart and soul. Not one day goes by that I take for granted the miracles left of her life.

I recently watched a movie that dealt with a relationship between a mother and daughter. As it came to an end, I felt different emotions beginning to swell in me. It was the realization that I can no longer share with mom any of the meaningful things that transpire in my life.

In this respect, I recognize that this part of her has vanished. The mom who comforted me or delighted in my accomplishments is no longer capable of doing so. This awful disease has stolen this piece of her. A part that I know will never return.

Yet with it all, we still can share a deep love. What perhaps has changed is that in many ways our roles have reversed. Now it is my turn to care for her, as she had once cared for me. The truth is that no matter whatever my mom can or cannot do, I still am her daughter, and she will always be my mother.

MY MOM MY HERO is for all the special people in your lives. Over 100 great reviews.

Available on Amazon & Kindle worldwide.

http://www.amazon.com/Mom-Hero-Alzheimers-A-daughters-bittersweet/dp/0615773982/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1389797650&sr=8-1&keywords=lisa+hirsch

TRUE BOND OF LOVE

TRUE BOND OF LOVE


I found this on FB today and I just wanted to share it with you. It's amazing how they captured what is so embedded in my heart. My love for my entire family. There was only one person who was not in these pictures, and that is my brother. So I posted him on top of this page.

It's only 1 minute long. Hope you enjoy it. It shows all the love we feel for one's family, which is something that we all do share.

Thanks, Lisa

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=596382897108956

THE SUN KEEPS SHINING

 

 

THE SUN KEEPS SHINING .

As my mother enters the latter stages of her life, whether or not she has Alzheimer's, I try to keep a smile on my face and faith in my heart. Mom will be turning ninety years old in six months. The reports from the medical team at the nursing facility tell us that she is extremely healthy.

Yet it is difficult to know how slowly or quickly her body will break down. In several ways mom is strong and appears to have much "life" left in her. Although her memory hardly exists, she still is able to communicate with everyone and stroll around in her Merry Walker. For a woman with Alzheimer's for over nine years, keeping things in the correct perspective, she is doing great.

The other evening at 8PM the nursing home phoned to tell me that mom had a large black and blue mark on her arm. I asked several questions to the nurse, "can she move her arm, is she complaining of any pain?" The nurse reassured me that everything was fine, just that she had to follow procedures to notify the family.

Thanking her for calling, and as I hung up the phone feeling relieved, and noticed that my husband appeared to be upset. He was holding his head as if in anguish. I could not imagine what was possibly running through his mind, and only wanted to comfort him.

I was surprised by his reaction as he shared that he was fearful that was "the" phone call, telling me that my mom had passed away. At that moment tears fell from my eyes and rolled slowly down my cheeks. I knew deep in my heart that one day I will receive this call.

As I look at my mom's life, as long as she is not suffering, I can only be grateful that she is still alive.Yes I have my moments of wondering what kind of existence does she have. When my mind travels down that path I quickly bring myself back to soak up the rays of sun. I know that we are not able to choose how we die, yet we get to choose how we feel and how we wish to live.

I am committed to be "in the space" of being happy. This is how my mother would want me to be.  I embrace celebrating her life, her love and as of today, I will continue to allow "our" sun to keep shining through .

 

MY MOM MY HERO is for all the special people in your lives. Over 100 great reviews.

Available on Amazon & Kindle worldwide.

http://www.amazon.com/Mom-Hero-Alzheimers-A-daughters-bittersweet/dp/0615773982/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1389797650&sr=8-1&keywords=lisa+hirsch

 

A MAGICAL MOMENT

A MAGICAL MOMENT

My mom now has had Alzheimer's for over nine years. Her younger brother suffered with this disease before passing away 6 years ago. My grandfather lived to the ripe age of eighty-two and my grandmother died of colon cancer at the age of fifty-six.

Maybe if my grandparents lived longer, especially my grandmother, then they too would have shown signs of dementia. My brother and I wonder what caused this to plague our immediate family. Were there other ancestors who had Alzheimer's ?

We have no answer, yet pray that it skips our generation, and those of our children. By then hopefully there will be a cure or at least some prevention.

Recently, I asked my brother if he could phone me, so I could speak to my mom during his visit. It was late in the afternoon and instead of calling me he sent me a picture of her curled up sleeping in her bed. To be honest seeing her in a hospital bed left me feeling troubled. I also felt sorry that she was unable to enjoy his bi-weekly visit.

A half an hour later my brother phoned and said that mom had woken up, as he placed the phone to her ear. I excitedly asked her is she had some nice dreams. Not only did she answer me sounding perky she responded "yes, I dreamt of how beautiful you are and how much I love you."

This made my day and perhaps my "entire" year. At that second I knew that this was a magical moment. I could hear the presence and clarity in her voice. We continued to converse in ways that have all but vanished for the last few years.

I chose to be brave and presented mom with my favorite question for her. One that I use to ask several times a year. It had intrigued me that although she had no memory she was able to always answer it the same way.

As my brother listened to our conversation, I said, "Mom if you could wish for anything for your children what would it be ?" Mom then said, with a joy from deep within "for my children to be healthy".

I heard my brother utter "what a great answer." At that instant I knew that this was a magical moment. One filled with sunshine as we continue to share not only our love, but our long goodbye.

MY MOM MY HERO is for all the special people in your lives. Over 100 great reviews.

Available on Amazon & Kindle worldwide.

http://www.amazon.com/Mom-Hero-Alzheimers-A-daughters-bittersweet/dp/0615773982/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1389797650&sr=8-1&keywords=lisa+hirsch

SO VERY PROUD

SO VERY PROUD

Dreaming of mom for me is unusual, yet this week I awoke from a dream about her that touched me deeply. It left me feeling all warm and cuddly inside. We were being interviewed by this lady and mom appeared to be forty years younger. In the dream I felt uncomfortable when mom was surprised that I was her daughter. Despite this, I loved being with her and seeing her so full of life, wanting only to return to my dream. I was unable to.

During the holiday season it had been difficult to speak to mom for at least a week. Inside of me, I had all these feelings of how much I missed her, and yearned to hear her say my name.

Last week one evening my brother called to tell me that mom took a fall from her Merry Walker. He was at the nursing home and said that no one saw what happened, except that mom had a rather large gash on her head, located next to her eye. No stitches were needed yet she refused to allow a bandage to be left on her face. The nursing home had hospice assign an aide to sit with her, for at least twenty four hours, which ended up lasting for two days.

Through the last several years mom has taken falls and has happily never fractured anything. I have heard how easily ones breaks something, especially after they have Alzheimer's. It is also quite difficult to fully recover after such an incident.

Fortunately, the only thing that transpired was mom became more confused for a few days . She quickly bounced back to herself  and marched on as she strolled the halls of the nursing home, in her Merry Walker. Like Martha Thatcher who was known as the "Iron Lady". Ruth Elian, my mom has become the "Bionic Woman".

At the age of eighty nine except for having Alzheimer's and macular degeneration she takes no medication and is as healthy as anyone could ever wish for.

Things have returned  back to "normal" and we are able to share with each other how much we love one another .This lady somehow never stops to amaze me. I'm not sure where her inner strengths come from, yet for the last nine years she has become my hero and I am so proud that she is my mother.



My Mom My Hero book is for all the special people in our lives.

Available on Amazon & Kindle worldwide.
http://www.amazon.com/Mom-Hero-Alzheimers-A-daughters-bittersweet/dp/0615773982/ref=tmm_pap_title_0?ie=UTF8&qid=1381851317&sr=1-1

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LUCKY, LUCKY ME

LUCKY, LUCKY ME


I'm back home approximately three weeks now, since spending seven glorious days with my mom. I like using the word glorious, for when I look at all the wonderful pictures I have from my visit I see such joy on her face. These memories are still in my conscious and light up my life.

I remember guests in the hotel asking if I was on a vacation and how long I was staying. My answer was always the same. I would be there for eight days and the reason for my trip was to spend each day seeing my mother, who was in a nursing home. I would mention that she had Alzheimer's. Politely the answers were always the same. "I'm so sorry." I took notice of my response, which was as genuine as the smile on my face and I answered," I feel so fortunate to still have her."

If I let my mind travel down certain paths, I would feel some sadness. For myself and mom, I know that I need to remain is the "space" of feeling blessed.

 Since then each day that I phone the nursing facility, even if I cannot reach mom, I have a connection with all the nurses. This makes me feel secure that my mom is being well cared for. The nurses know that she is loved by her family and not forgotten.

 Even if my visits are not daily, my phone calls can be. I've been calling my mom everyday for the last nine years and this means the world to me, something that I will not stop.

I have been able to speak to her at least three times a week since I am back home. With each phone call mom wants to know when I am coming to visit her. Although, she does not remember that I was with her, it somehow connects to her brain that I was just present in her life.

I have been so fortunate to hear her say," I know you love me and you know how much I love you." Somehow my visits bring me back into her "universe". Enjoying it now with no false pretenses that this will last is more than I can ask for.

Being a long distance caregiver is not always easy. I may not like it, although I have accepted it.  Life is not always how we might choose, yet there is one thing that means the world to me; I know how much I adore her and how deep her love is for me. So today, I call myself lucky, lucky me.

My Mom My Hero book is for all the special people in our lives.

Available on Amazon & Kindle worldwide.
http://www.amazon.com/Mom-Hero-Alzheimers-A-daughters-bittersweet/dp/0615773982/ref=tmm_pap_title_0?ie=UTF8&qid=1381851317&sr=1-1