WHAT BECOMES OF THE BROKEN HEARTED ?
This picture was taken in October 2011,with my son Logan, me, mom and my brother Gil. Mom looks happy and what I remember about this day, was that she did not want to leave her home. We had to force it upon her. Although she's smiling in the picture, I would not say that she was really thrilled to be out. I think she enjoyed being with all of us, yet having lunch by the ocean, and feeling the warm breezes blow by, meant nothing to her.
For me I loved the day, because it is not that often, that the four of us can get together, especially since we live in different states.
In the beginning of this week I phoned my mother because I really wanted to share something exciting with her. Logan had just gotten an apartment with his girlfriend. I was feeling so happy, yet my eyes were moist with tears. My little boy, who has grown up, finished college, is working and living on his own for the last four years, was now taking his next "big" step. As I see it, he and Julia after dating for two years, were now making a deeper commitment to one another.
As Logan takes each step through his life, that are both exciting and thrilling to me, they also become sentimental to me. I called my mom to share all this excitement with her. With much enthusiasm, I shared everything including my happiness, as well as my heart pangs. Knowing that since she is a mother, she had to have similar feelings, while my brother and I took each new step.
While speaking to mom the phone just went silent, mom said nothing. Not even did she make a comment, which she has been able to do, no words of wisdom, just dead silence. Mom had just put the phone down. Her caregiver picked up the phone and put my mom back on. I once again in a more simplified matter shared everything with her. I then asked if she had anything to say. Wasn't she listening? Didn't she understand? Couldn't I speak to my mom and have her be excited with me?
Not this time, and probably not to many times in the future. I questioned why can't my mom be able to be there for me? I use to love to call her when I needed advice, or had something exciting to tell her. Those days seem to be long gone.
I felt both sad and lost. I could say that I felt like crying. I only wanted my mom back. Is that too much to ask? The answer is yes. Alzheimer's seems to destroy inch by inch someones entire being.
My thoughts went deep and dark, and I was beginning to feel such anger to this disease. I had to pull myself together and get back to the lighter side of life, or I could drive myself crazy. Yes, I had to remember the fun moments my mom and I share, the laughter, the words that are filled with love.
Maybe this was just a bad day for her. Tomorrow will be better. I must lighten up and stay on the brighter side. I wish that I could remove this horrific disease from my mom's being, yet I know that's impossible.
September is World Alzheimer's Month. We all to need to spread awareness around the world. We need to find a cure for Alzheimer's . Hopefully this will happen in my lifetime, and if not, certainly for future generations.
I like to send to all the families who have a love one with this disease, and to all their caregivers, much love.
So although I felt a broken heart for my mom, I know deep in my heart, that broken hearts must heal.