Monday, March 27, 2017



Since mom became quite ill during my visit in January I have been affected in many way. Just watching her disappear from Alzheimer's for the last fourteen years had been grueling enough. I had to accept that her world was climaxing and could end rather quickly.

Even though I have prepared myself, I realize that when the time comes I will be in mourning for the loss of my mother. She will become just another statistic and I will be parentless like so many others my age.

People often ask if I fear that I will get Alzheimer's. My answer is always the same. I do not fear it, although I am aware, when I cannot remember something as simple as an actor's name. Not only does my mother have Alzheimer's her younger brother also had it and passed away within a few years. I recognize that my chances are greater than someone else whose family has no history of this disease.

Amazingly enough mom's "world", if only, for the moment has changed. Changed in a way that I was not ready for, nor, maybe I didn't really wish to happen. She seems to have bounced back with a reborn energy. Her nurse reassured me that mom was once again back to "herself", feisty, eating well and maybe even better than before. My immediate reaction was feeling elated yet mixed with some sense of reality. I went so far as to fantasize that mom who is 92 years old might now live to 100.

My heart previously had been telling me that mom had given up. Once again she has proved me wrong! Or should I say knowing all too well, that this "rebirth" may only last for a day, month, or year until mom can no longer go on.

While I am on this whirlwind I cannot help but feel the bumps and curves as Alzheimer's continues to speed along its tracks. There are so many times I wish for this ride to come to an end.

Why am I not fully able to go with the flow? Am I not prepared for this roller coaster ride? I know that I am not being a pessimist. Could it be that I am just being a realist? How silly of me for how could I not want  mom to have "good "days. Of course I do. For some, this may seem like a miracle yet anyone who understands this disease knows that it cannot last.

In the world of dementia the patient does not get to win. There is no cure.

 MY MOM MY HERO - A mother & daughters new found love.

Sunday, March 5, 2017



For the last fourteen years I have witnessed my mother slowly disappearing from Alzheimer’s. With a heavy heart I go through the process of grieving and realize that through my writings I have begun to heal myself.
Is it possible for me to share all the feelings that are so deeply embedded within my soul?

This past January my husband and I were in Florida where mom resides (in a nursing home) to spend every day with her. In the past four years, each January, we witnessed mom transform day by day as she became more aware of the world around her.

I had realized that mom would not be like last year yet I could never have imagined that from a bad cold, her world and mine would shatter.

I mainly sat by her side, held her hand, stroked her face and told her how much I loved her. Mom has now entered into in the last stages of Alzheimer’s. How I wish that I could have her peacefully go to sleep; instead of what could take many months or years for her to say goodbye.
Her words are now seldom, her eyes mostly shut closed. Her walking around the nursing home has come to a halt for she no longer has the will nor energy to carry on.

She occasionally opens her eyes and, once in a while, she would smile. I was able to steal a few kisses yet even the sound of music that once delighted her, could not bring forth any signs of joy.
Witnessing her withdraw from the world was quite painful. As my thoughts surfaced I took to pen and paper to share my most inner deep feelings. My prayers were not answered as I had prayed for her to pass away. I knew that mom would never want to exist like this. I also wanted to take away the pain I was feeling, knowing that there could be no recovery.

I question why my mom got sick while I was here? Why couldn’t we have been able to share some special moments like we had done in previous years? Couldn’t she have waited to after I left? How silly of me to even think this way.  I know no one gets to choose when or where.

MY MOM MY HERO - A mother & daughters new found love.