Sunday, August 21, 2016



I cannot get out of my mind the song Alfie; "What's it all about Alfie? Is it just for the moment we live?"

As I sit and ponder what really exists in my mother's mind I cannot help but wonder who she thinks she is.  Unfortunately, mom can no longer provide me the answers I yearn to hear.

In the world mom now lives in, each day, after she wakes up she is taken care of and fed by aides. We are lucky that after thirteen years of having Alzheimer's she still can speak.

After she is washed and dressed she is then placed in her Merry Walker where she spends hours walking the halls of the nursing home in search of something or someone.

Since mom became ill, I have never seen any tears fall from her eyes. Actually, as a child, I cannot even recall her crying after her own mother passed away. She once shared with me that she cried every day for over a year, in the bathroom, for no one else to see.

How I wish I could know who is that something or someone she is searching for. Is it her parents, or could it be me? Probably her parents since she frequently is speaking about them.

I realize how fortunate we are for that most days mom seems content as she throws kisses and tells all the employees that she loves them.

I read so much about Amyloid plaques and tangles yet the scientists are unable to understand what is really going on in the thinking process of people with this disease.

How I hunger to ask her; are you happy or are you sad? Are you frightened or are you okay? Are you lonely? Is there anything that you would like me to do for you? Is there something that you would like to tell me? Do you know what is happening to you? Can you understand how deeply I love you?

I know there is a universe that mom now lives in, one that is real to her. Yet for me I cannot help but wonder what is going on in her world. So as the song goes "What's it all about Alfie? Is it just for the moment we live?"

I realize there are things that I will never understand and questions that will never be answered, yet as her daughter I need to believe that in her world she is sound, safe and happy.

After all these years, as each day goes by, Alzheimer's still remains a mystery to all of us.

MY MOM MY HERO - A mother & daughters new found love.


Wednesday, August 3, 2016



One evening, several weeks ago, I received a call from the nursing home where my mom has lived for the past three years. One can imagine the uncertainty I felt when I answered the phone.

Immediately the nurse said "everything's okay I just need to tell you that your mom was unresponsive today.” As I heard the word "unresponsive" my heart sank. I asked many questions as she proceeded to explain what had transpired.

My husband said as he looked at me that I appeared to have lost all the color in my face. His first thought was that mom had passed away until he heard me repeating what the nurse was saying.

I did not sleep soundly that night fearful that I would get a call that mom had passed away. The next morning my brother rushed to the nursing home where tests were already being performed.

Mom's unresponsiveness only lasted for a few moments, yet it was something that was new and felt quite scary. The blood results found that mom (93 years in August), in several ways, scored like a 40 year old. Her constitution is amazing, she is on no medication and, except for Alzheimer's and macular degeneration and she is the picture of health.

The next day I booked a plane to go and see her. Before leaving I called several times each day to make sure that she was doing okay. Each time I was told that she was running around in her Merry Walker. Mom bounced back rather quickly and I was happy that I was going to see her, even if it was just for three days.

After returning home my body felt stressed and my heart ached as if I was going through withdrawal. I missed seeing her and could not stop thinking about her. Again I kept phoning the nursing home to see how she was doing. Mom was doing fine, it was me who needed to "mend".

I kept thinking is she looking for me? Does she wonder where I am? Is she missing holding my hand, singing songs, or our silly conversations? Does she yearn to see me like a teenage girl, or am I in this all by myself? Is my heart hurting alone or can she also feel the pain?

I write as if she is my lover. No, she's my mother, yet I love her in so many similar ways. I know the answers to all these questions for the second I am no longer in her sight, she does not know that I was even there. In fact, when I am with her, she does not always know that I am her daughter.

None of this matters for in my heart and I deeply believe that in hers, we share a bond that only a mother and daughter could feel.

MY MOM MY HERO - A mother & daughters new found love.