COULD I BE MOURNING MY MOM?
It's been almost five months since my mom passed away. I hardly cried and have been, with all honesty, relieved that she was finally at peace. Although this is something that I prayed for the last three years, I am only now getting in touch with my deepest feelings and realize I no longer have a mother to think about, worry about nor take care of.
My stomach feels like it is in knots, and my back has had spasms for almost three weeks. Since I do get an occasional back pain I wonder if this could all be connected? Maybe yes and maybe no. Maybe it is the aftershocks of Covid and maybe it's the passing of my mother. Could it be that I am getting older, and reality is setting in?
With all that had transpired with my mom for the last 16 years (since she got Alzheimer's)writing has been my answer for expressing my deepest inner feelings. I miss her and have so for longer than the last five months. I have missed not being able to confide in her. To tell her and share my happiness as well as my fears. I miss what had turned into our reversal of rolls. I miss, even more our childish loving exchanges for the last 16 years. I miss our telephone calls and how she made me laugh. I miss her new found Buddhist ways. I miss all the times we disagreed and our silly arguments . I miss her deep love and caring for me even if at the time I did not realize it. I miss holding her hand as she slipped further and further away from this universe, as her world was disappearing. All in all, I miss everything about her.
I am starting to mourn a loss of a parent. A mom whom I was not always close to, yet a mom who I ended up respecting and admiring so deep in my soul. A woman who showed me courage and a woman who became my shining star.
I love you so deeply mom as you will always live on in my heart and soul.