What can I possibly say today on my mothers 96th Birthday? That for the last several years I have been wishing for her to find peace, or that I am sorry that years ago, I could not have removed this horrific disease Alzheimer's from her.
Yet through the last 16 years that my mom became ill I have also been blessed to have fallen unconditionally in love with her.
Before mom was sick our relationship had many hills and valleys. Yes, we had some moments and were able to share some touching times together, especially when my dad was dying.
As I flash back, I remember when mom would come visit weekly from Long Island to help me with the business I had started. We would heat-seal bags after stuffing them with t-shirts, stencils and magical fabric crayons to create a craft kit for children. During this time each week we would speak and laugh for hours. As a newly wed, in my early thirties, I remember sharing with her my ambitions, hopes and dreams.
Looking back, I now wonder how and when did our relationship go astray? As a teenager I recall when my friends came over mom seemed to always embarrass me. As I now reflect it was I who had the problem. My insecurities not fitting into the wealthy community my parents moved to effected me in many ways.
How I wish that I could turn back the hands of time and regain all the years I wasted. Knowing that this is not possible, I focus on the present and am quite thankful that I was able to get in touch with all the deep love and affection I have for my mother.
From my experience I know, from the bottom of my heart, that it is never too late to heal one's relationship, especially with a parent.
So mom, on your 96th Birthday, although you cannot hear me, nor maybe understand me, I want to tell you how very much I love and adore you.
As I reminisce on my youth, getting married and becoming a mother myself, I want to thank you for all the love you have given me and, even more, for always being there for me.
As you "blow" out your candles, I hope you can soon find peace. It would be my wish for you even knowing that when the time comes, given the pandemic I cannot be with you. You will be all alone. Yes the hospice nurse will be present yet I, your daughter, will not be able to be there to touch you, hold your hand and whisper, I love you.
My mom, who brought me into this world, will leave this world all alone. As sad as this is to say, this is my wish and I pray for you that it comes soon.