It's been a while since I have shared about my mom. It has been a long journey since she got Alzheimer's; one that I will never forget. These past 14 years have been filled with many different emotions, from unconditional love to friendship and laughter, as well as feeling helpless and an overwhelming sadness.
The picture of mom that I have chosen was taken approximately 7 years ago when she first arrived at the nursing home. It brings me back to a time that mom and I were feeling "happy". The more recent pictures that I have from the last few years, all though touching, can also be upsetting. My son Logan is now 31 years old and has a beard. Six weeks ago he became a father for the first time to the sweetest baby boy.
I profoundly remember my mother sharing with me after my son Logan was born how much and how deep her love for him was. I never truly understood that until now.
It's absolutely amazing how much love I now feel for my own grandchild. How I wish that I could share this with her and tell her that she is a "great"grandmother.
Sadly enough she is not aware of this or,"most likely",anything at all.. I use the word "most likely" since in my heart when I hold her hand, kiss her face and tell her how much I love her I believe (or want to believe) that she knows it's me. The nurses have shared this joyful news with her and with her eyes shut closed she just nods her head.
For quite some time now her eyes remain closed. She barely eats anything and seems to be "surviving" on 3 protein drinks and supplements that the nursing home gives her. Something that they are not willing to stop given the laws of Florida. Mom now weighs 82 pounds and is on hospice. The nurse tells me that she is slowly declining and, it is all in g-ds hands. I am not a religious person, so I am not sure whose hands it's in, yet somehow my mother has a very strong constitution.
Mom will turn 95 years old on August 24th of this year. My wish for her, which is something I have wished for quite a few months, is for her to peacefully go to sleep. Truthfully, this would be the best gift that I could give her. I love my mom dearly yet the life she has been living is no way for anyone to live.
Nursing homes, regardless of someone's wishes, will do whatever they legally can to keep the patient alive. It's sad and, after feeling so helpless for some time, now I think that I have just become "accepting" to the whole situation.
Today I just wanted to touch base with all my wonderful supportive friends that I have made over the last nine years in the world of Dementia. Each of our lives have been touched in many different ways but the one thing that we all have in common and share is the understanding of what this horrific disease is all about.
Sending all of you a big warm hug and thank you for always being there.
"Letter To My Mom" & My Mom My Hero are both available on Amazon worldwide. Ebook, Audio, Paperback.