Friday, September 20, 2013



We all know how special our mom's are and we hold them dear to our hearts. For me, I was not always in touch with these feelings. Today I am filled with a deep unconditional love for this lady that without  her realizing it she can easily break my heart . Not until my mom became ill, over nine years ago with Alzheimer's did I feel an enduring love for her.

Yes, I always loved her, yet I was not in touch with how much I appreciated and adored her. As a child I was daddy's little girl . Life can be strange, for out of her illness a whole world opened up  filling me with a deep affection and admiration for her. Without this I do not know if I would have been able to get in touch with all of these feelings.

Since I was aware that she had to go into a nursing home, I found myself struggling with different emotions. I have had many people reach out to me and share that I should not feel guilty and that this was best for her. Yet I still feel unsettled about her new living arrangement. I as well as mom will just need to take each day as it comes, as we both adjust to all the changes.

Upon my arrival I was able to set up a meeting with the staff at the nursing home. This left me feeling more secure knowing that mom was being cared for twenty four hours a day. They were all professional and knowledgeable about dementia. One could feel their sincerity and sensitivity to our situation.

 Last week the many days that I spent with mom, had  touching moments and others that were quite upsetting. She said that her mother had called and that she was worried about her, so she that had to leave and go home . She repeated this everyday and at times this was all she could speak about. I believe that this was her way of expressing that her surroundings were different. Mom was unable to connect the words to share what she was really thinking.

She then spoke about needing to to go back home to take care of her little babies. This home was not the place she lived with my dad for over twenty five years, but her childhood home she left over seventy years ago. I found what she said to be fascinating and when I questioned who I was, she knew immediately that I was her daughter. Yet her wishes were to be with her parents. It amazing how this disease could take her back in time to recall and yearn for a place that she was raised in many years ago.

 If  I could protect her as I would my own child, perhaps I would feel better. Whether it is my mom, or your mom we all hold this deep bond and love for our mothers. I took my son several years ago to the two different homes where I as a child grew up. I remember the warm feelings that resonated from theses places.  I  treasured all the love and good times as a family that we once shared, so I am able to understand mom wanting to return to her home.

 I know that I need to find a way to fill the emptiness and the void that I am feeling since I cannot have my daily phones call with her. I looked forward to these calls and her kisses everyday for the last nine years. Yes, I have been able to speak to her at different moments, but it is not the same. One thing I know for sure is if mom knew how upset I've been, she would tell me not to be sad and please not to worry.

 I need to return to that special place of  being thankful and embrace all that we still can share. I have been for many years grateful for everything, and I must reach deep into my heart and soul to find that place again. I know that I must do this for my mom, for this would certainly be her wishes for me.

September is Worldwide Alzheimer's Month

My Mom My Hero book
is for all the special people in our lives.

Available on Amazon & Kindle worldwide.

Sunday, September 15, 2013



I just got back from visiting my mom for a week in her "new" home. The care at the nursing home left me feeling in many ways secure. There were ups & downs, smiles and tears. I felt happiness and sadness along with some deep thoughts about of our own mortality, life and ....

My brother filmed this video of our mom that I just wanted to share with you. It's under 2 minutes.

Thank you everyone for following on our journey. I love each and everyone of you and know deeply how we are ALL in this together. Our stories are all different and yet they are all the same.


Wednesday, September 4, 2013



I use to look forward to phoning my mom each morning. Things have recently changed since mom is  living in a nursing home. Now when I call the nurses station each day, I cannot help but feel a lump in my throat. As of yet I have not been able to arrange any phone calls to speak to her. It's not that I haven't tried, I just feel that it is more important to hear about how mom is adjusting.

On Monday I will be seeing mom and meeting with her nurses, and hopefully I will then be able to arrange someway, of hearing her sweet voice. My husband did remind me that mom does not realize that I am not calling, yet for me it is so important to speak to her. This ritual has become part of my life for the last nine years. One that I have truly loved.

The joy that I felt from these phone calls, especially since I could not jump in my car and see her   left me feeling connected to her . The distance between us at these moments all but vanished for the several minutes we were able to share. Through the years our conversations  have diminished, as mom's disease has stolen from her the power of  connecting her thoughts with her words .Yet somehow I still feel like I have deserted her.

During these last trying weeks mom has mostly spoken about her parents, especially her mother. Mom keeps requesting that she wants to go home. She told me that her mom called and that she is worried about her. She then added in that her mother liked me very much and wanted to know whose house I would prefer to go to, hers or her mom's. There was not much I could say except to leave her in her "new" world of fantasy.

It's both fascinating and profound to me how in her mind she travels back in time . She always wishes to go back home to her parents.  A place for her that must feel safe and sound, and filled with much love. A place she calls her home. Mom just turned 89 years old, and living with her parents was many moons ago.

Mom is still unable to walk since her feet are now swelled. The nurse's were trying to get her to take a few steps since the rehab was not working. How can you give mom directions and then leave her to continue with the exercise, if she cannot even remember what she had for lunch directly after finishing a meal ? The nursing home is not to blame, just that everything is limited unless one can afford private care, 24 hours a day. Unfortunately for us this is not possible.

So mom remains in diapers because she is unable to get up and walk to a bathroom and is confined to a wheelchair. The director of nursing thinks that mom might be able to walk and that I should keep my spirits up. I must confess that my conversations so far with the staff  have left me feeling somewhat secure. They seem knowledgeable and committed to their profession .

So this is my mom's new life, whatever is left of it, and this is now for her a place called home. We all need time to adjust, and I can only hope and pray that my mom will be well taken care of. For me I need to be thankful that I have been given this second chance to love this lady unconditionally.

September is Worldwide Alzheimer's Month

My Mom My Hero book is for all the special people in our lives.

Available on Amazon & Kindle worldwide.