Mom and I did not always have such a loving relationship. I'm not exactly sure how, where or when things had changed. Yet when I think back to my childhood, my teenage years and after I became a mother myself, I can remember some wonderful times we were able to share together. I can also remember the flip side of how our personalities clashed and some of our battles.
My husband believes that my mother's Alzheimer's probably started back then, when the fights got extremely intense. For me I was so involved in "being right" that I could not step away long enough to realize what was transpiring. That was then and this is now.
Ruthie has become my hero, and her spirit lights up my life almost everyday. Of course there are some days when her Alzheimer's takes over, and it can be difficult to have a conversation with her. Yet on most days I am still able to admire and respect her "joie de vie" about life.
The last several weeks my mother has continuously brought up how important it is that we have our health. She makes sure to add in that this is all that matters. Although she is correct, I also had this burning desire to share with her that something else was more important to me. I explained to her that it was about all the love that I felt for her.
She questioned me on how much do I love her. "Mom, I love you more than anything else in this world." She then so tenderly spoke these words, "that's lovely because I feel the same way about you."
At that moment my heart melted, and I could feel with all my body and soul how much love I had for her. Without mom getting sick I wonder if our relationship, that was once bittersweet would have ever blossomed. Would I have been able to discover this feeling of deep love and affection towards her ?
I wish that I could make her free of Alzheimer's ,yet I cannot. I cherish that I was given a second chance to love her so completely. My emotions for her are filled with a never ending love and affection .
It's funny how life can change, how what might look like a tragedy could also in a strange way be an opportunity. At one time I would have wanted someone else's mom to be my mother ,and today I would never trade her, for any other mother in the world. It feels magical to me, for I now can embrace every second that I am able to celebrate life with her.