IF ONLY FOR A MOMENT
Since my mom moved into a nursing facility her life and mine has definitely changed. She is unable to express what she is feeling, yet I'm sure that she is wondering what is happening to her. She knows her surroundings are different and since she is still aware, I can only imagine the fear that she must be experiencing. If there could be any good part to this horrific disease it is that whatever unhappy thoughts she has, disappear as quickly as they come.
I too have had to make some adjustments given mom's new living situation. My daily morning phone calls to her that meant the world to me, now exist in a different way. Each day at different hours I place my calls to the nursing home . I phone late in the morning hoping to catch mom between an activity or her lunch time. On other days I call after her dinner trying again, to be able to reach her. Sometimes I get lucky, and at other times I am told that she is resting in bed.
The other day she sounded so cute as she was excited to hear I was on the phone. Right after she said hello she immediately said that she would call me back, and just hung up on me. Another day, I had a magical conversation with her. We spoke as if everything was like it use to be. With tears in my eyes I shared that she was breaking my heart. Mom questioned why, and said that she did not want to break my heart. The call was so tender and left me feeling so warm almost like I was on cloud nine.
When I get to share these sentimental phone calls with her I truly cherish them, and am grateful that they still do exist. On the days that I am not able to speak to her I have been able to feel connected. Just hearing from her nurse how her day was, has fulfilled me in a different way.
Staying away from visions of seeing mom in a the nursing home setting, wearing diapers ,strapped into a walker or being pushed in a wheelchair is so important for me. When my mind travels down this path I quickly wash away these upsetting images.
I find myself grasping to this memory from a few years ago. On many occasions I would ask mom if she could wish for anything what would it be. She always answered "for my children to be happy and healthy." So as each day comes and goes, if only for a moment, I choose to reflect on her life as a whole person. A woman who has loved me, raised me and inspired me.
My Mom My Hero book is for all the special people in our lives.
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