NEVER WANTING TO LET GO
My mom has Alzheimer's for over fourteen years and as her disease progresses so does my emotions. I often feel I am on a rollercoaster swaying back and forth as it speeds around many curves shaking up my inner feelings.
This year like the past four years, I once again spent an entire month with my her. As a long distance caregiver having the opportunity to see mom more frequently brings out a more positive responses from her.
On most days we found mom with eyes closed and very little expression on her face. The sound of music that once delighted her seemed to have disappeared. One thing that is constant is that when I took her hand, even when she seemed to be sleeping, she held on tightly as if never wanting to let go.
On several occasions with eyes wide open we also found mom speaking nonstop. Although her speech is gibberish and difficult to understand it still lifted our spirits to hear her come alive. Yet amazingly enough mom said a few profound things such as "people should be happy".
I am always grateful that my wonderful husband joins me. He is so loving to mom especially when I feel a loss for words. Magically he connects with her and finds the right things to say.
The head of nursing called me today and confirmed that mom is in the last stages of the disease, which I have heard for some time now. She reports that mom has not lost any weight and her blood work came back good. I mentioned that mom will be 94 years old in a couple of weeks. I do not know when she will finally say goodbye, yet in my heart, I do not believe that it is in the near future.
I have shared many times before that this horrific disease also fascinates me. Sometimes I question if I am now in denial or just becoming immune and accepting the situation. The once praying for mom to go to sleep has vanished and a new "space" has opened up for me.
I now feel more serene and have a calmness that is freeing. No more torturing myself of what I wish to be. I know that when mom is ready or the disease has "won", that is when I will have to say my final goodbyes. So for now, I cherish and remember how tightly our hands intertwined never wanting to let go.
"Letter To My Mom" & My Mom My Hero are both available on Amazon worldwide. Ebook, Audio & Paperback.