Tuesday, November 8, 2011


I had this thought last night for the very first time. What I realized was that if I never, ever called my mom again I would never, ever speak to her again.

My mom would never realize that I did not call and she would never try to call me. She has no idea what my telephone number is and although it is plastered all over her refrigerator she would never know to look there. I don't even think that she would know how to dial a phone. Yes, mom get's incoming calls everyday from myself and my brother, yet she has not dialed a phone in several years.

I know that she cannot work the microwave, or the washing machine, or remember to flush a toilet, or what to use to brush her hair with, so why would she possibly know how to call me. Wow. I'm out of breath just thinking about it, no less writing about it.  I wonder if my mom ever has a quick flash as to all the things that she use to know, that she can no longer do? On a brighter note when her phone does ring she still can answer and say" hello".

MY MAN I LOVE HIM SO (fourteen months ago)

Hi sweetie she says when she hears my voice on the other side of the phone. I respond with how’s my favorite Mama Mia and my mom reverses it and says "Mia Mama is good and how are you"?  We giggle like teenagers.  After several conversations with my mom, she then says" there are something’s that I am not going to remember.  I cannot keep everything in my head , and  not everything is important for me  to remember”.  Wow, mom you certainly have a point there.

From time to time she has mentioned something about her dining room chandelier, how nice it is.  She tells me that my dad had picked it out, and that originally she had not liked it.  Yet she now says that my dad was right and that it is a beautiful chandelier.  Mom then interupts herself, and shares with me that she was the sick one ,and how she always thought that she would die first.  She explains that my dad was the healthy one.  Mom says he died too young, and only then does she sound sad and repeats what she has said before,” when your time is up, your time is up and there is nothing that you can do about it”.  I try to stay away from these conversations with her for there certainly is no reason to upset her more.  I’m pretty sure that the chandelier represents or symbolizes something profound about my dad, for this is something that she has spoken about several times before.  I do remember that it came with the apartment and I remember that my mother never had liked it , yet my father did.  For some reason she kept it and never bought a new one.

My dad was so easy going and yet he had wanted to keep the chandelier, so my mom left it hanging over her dining room table.  My mom has also said that she would never move and leave this chandelier.  I have explained to her that we could move it also, and she replies that it is really heavy.   I have told my mom that we would hire someone to move it and she always says,” oh no”.

 Is this chandelier my dad to her?  How meaningful it must be to her. I wonder what the chandelier represents to her?  Will I ever find out? I guess I never will and does it really matter.

My mom as the days go by in early September, 2010 seems to have so little memory left of times and places that she shared with my dad many years ago.  Memories that have just faded into the night, just like they never existed.  Yet she still has her sense of humor and wit.  I have noticed that her spelling is not as sharp and she doesn’t sing to me as much.  There still is the laughter and joy in her voice and for this I am still so thankful.  I still hear the smile on her face when I call, and when she speaks my name, I seem to melt.  

When friends ask how my mom is I still can answer she's fine, with a smile on my face.  It’s now the little things in life that are important to me.  I have learned to appreciate all the things that I had taken for granted.  And I know that with each passing day that time is not standing still, and perhaps one day my mom will not know who I am.


    Hi Lisa, I' ve found out about your blog right now... I was upset looking for people out there in the web who could understand.
    I' ll be reading your pages well. But what I have already noticed, reading quickly your words here and there... is that I COULD HAVE WRITTEN THE SAME THINGS MYSELF. If only my English had been better...
    See you soon - you and your Mom.

  2. Lisa, I was one of those daughters who came to that point when my Mom did not know who I was and would inquire as to "Where is Sue Ann?" Even twenty five years later it still causes a tear to fall and a heart to ache, but I 'knew' her. She was very young, 66 when she passed. Dad has gone on the year before at 60. They married know ever inquiring as to the age of either of them and only meeting once before the ceremony. Theirs was a war romance of letters and poetry during WWII. But they lived, loved and enjoyed life and each other. My brother, also passed at 61, so I and my husband and two children and grandchildren go on and remember the times when they were here with us and the smiles and love they gave. It will get better as time heals. Advice is cheap, but the one thing I can say is love each moment and make it precious to both of you. You will thank yourself for that someday. My heart goes out to you along with my prayers. Sue

  3. i am loving your blog.

  4. Sue,thank you so much for reaching out to me and sharing your "story"
    of your parents. I'm so sorry about all your losses including your
    brother at such young ages. Life can be sad and tough at times so we
    need to be grateful for all that we do have each day. I lost my dad 16
    years ago and he is always in my heart. He use to sing around the
    house (he actually had a fabulous voice) and sometimes when I hear a
    professional singer, singing a song that my dad use to sing it brings
    tears also to my eyes. It sounds like you have a wonderful family and
    grandchildren(how special). My son is turning 24 yrs old this week and
    I hope that I will be acle to one day see him get married and have
    children. Sending hugs and wishing you and your family a wonderful

  5. Hi Anna- Maria,
    Thank you for your sweet comments. I think that your english is good.
    What is your native lanuage?
    I do know that only the people who have a loved one with Alzheimer's
    can truly understand. Please stay in touch.

  6. Lisa,

    I hope this finds you well and enjoying the season of our Lord. Just wanted to say hi