Sunday, December 18, 2011
FEELINGS, OH SO MANY FEELINGS
FEELINGS, OH SO MANY FEELINGS
"Mom, do you know your mother"? "No Lisa, I do not remember her". "Mom, who are you to me"? My mom then answered, "I am your good friend" and she gave me a kiss on the top of my head as she exited the room. My heart sank for a moment and when mom came back I responded with, "mom I love you so much". My mom then said, "I love you also" and I asked "as your daughter"? My mom then said," yes as my daughter and my friend".
This was pretty much how my visit with my mom was this trip. It was one that had me realize that my mom's Alzheimer's was progressing. I was so grateful that my husband had come with me and that we were also not staying at mom's house. I got to see my mom for six days in a row and when I left her I had my husbands love and support to help me cope with my mom's condition.
While I was in one room, my husband in another and my mom in another my husband heard my mom say "is anyone here, is anyone here"? We answered and she then said "someone please come here, I'm very lonesome".
Monday, the day before we left to go back home my mom seemed listless. She had no energy, nor did she want to do anything. Mom was not interested in anything as simple as even getting or giving hugs. As I sat at the airport the next day, waiting to return home my eyes were filled with water which could have quickly turned into tears. My heart felt quite heavy and filled with sadness as I wondered what may lie ahead.
The next day when I phoned, my mom wanted to know when I would be coming to see her. I just left and my mom had no memory of my having just been there. It's ironic, I get upset when I see her, and I get even sadder when I cannot see her.
I wonder why after every trip visiting my mom I feel like I'm getting sick. I return feeling trapped and perhaps helpless. Helpless, yes that's an interesting word. Helpless in the sense that there is nothing that I can possibly do to help my mom. Her whole life and existence has disappeared like it never existed. The thought that this disease can do this to anyone just boggles my mind and since it is my mom it also breaks my heart in two. I just want to hold her and be able to protect her, a feeling that I have for my own child. Our roles have reversed, although I still get glimpes of my "real" mom. There are parts of her that still shine once in a while. Either way the pang remains in my heart and soul for my mom.
On Thursday my spirits finally lifted after I spoke to my mom. My mom was having a really great day. She was alert, sharp and sounding happy. It's amazing how much lighter I became. I told my mom that she was my favorite mom and we both giggled as my mom then said to me "you're lucky because I'm your only mom". It was only three days ago that my mom thought she was my friend and not my mom. I told my mom that she sounded so happy and she responded with that she is always happy.
I know that this may not last, yet I loved our conversation. I feel happy, excited and rejoice in the happiness that she was able to express today. It's amazing what a difference a day can make.