Monday, January 16, 2012
IS THIS A DREAM ?
IS THIS A DREAM?
Dreams are something that we all can relate to. I awoke today to a rather upsetting dream which I thought immediately of my mom. It was of a woman just lying in what looked like a hospital bed with no movement as if she were almost dead. To me the image was my mom and it left me feeling quite sad and empty.
I’d like to go back a few days from today and explain what has transpired with my mom. My mom and I had a magical conversation on the telephone just the other day. She listened carefully as I read her a section of my blog/book about her childhood. Mom was delighted and remembered where she was born and where she grew up, her parents, her dear friend Jeanie, and her love of reading books. With enthusiasm she made comments as I read to her. I hung up the phone and said WOW, this was truly amazing and a moment that I would not forget.
The next day mom still sounded good and I asked her if she was going to her clubhouse. Mom said to me “no I am not going to the clubhouse I’m too busy”. I laughed and joked around with her about what she was so busy with. “Mom are you going to work, or are you so busy cooking dinner”? Mom answered no to both. I was just happy that my mom was able to remember that where she lived had a clubhouse. Up to now for several years mom claims that there is no clubhouse which was a place she had once enjoyed going to on most days.
The following day when I called in the morning my mom was hallucinating. I could not believe what I was hearing her say. She insisted that she wanted to go to her house and that the place she now was in was not her home. You see mom has lived in this home for twenty three years. A place that she had shared with my dad, a home that she said she will never leave. Today this was not what she was saying. I just wanted to hang up the phone and run right over to her. This is not possible since we live in different states. I felt so scared. How could any of this be happening when only yesterday mom was doing so great?
I knew that my brother was visiting my mom today, so I hung up and I called him immediately. He arrived at moms around 2PM and hours later my mom was still hallucinating. The second my brother arrived mom insisted that they leave, which is something she never wants to do. She told my brother that she lived with her parents and that she wanted to go home and be with them. My brother told mom that her parents were no longer alive and my mom insisted that they were.
My brother decided since she was hallucinating for so many hours that he should bring her to the hospital. Something had to be terribly wrong. They admitted my mom and found that she had a urinary tract infection and put her on an antibiotic. I have since learned that this can be common in women who have dementia. Something my brother and I were not aware of.
The second day in the hospital mom was speaking to me on the phone like she was on speed. She had sounded the same way as the day she was hallucinating. The only difference was she was now in the hospital which left me feeling a little relieved.
This morning when I spoke to my mom she sounded much better. I told her how much I missed her and my mom then said “can you come over when I get home”? Mom, I’d love to but not right away. Mom then said “Lisa when was the last time you visited me”? “Mom I was at your home four weeks ago”. Mom then said “you’re not a good daughter that was a long time ago”. “Mom I live in New York and you live in Florida, I cannot just come over”. Mom then said with such clarity,”oh I forgot that you live in New York”. I then said “mom would you like to move back to New York so we can be together”. Mom replied, “no I lived there for so many years and being in Florida is now like a vacation for me”.
I shared with my brother this morning that somewhere I feel that when I read to my mom about her childhood, on a very good day for her, that it somehow sparked a memory for her. A memory like a dream that stayed implanted in her mind. I might have reawakened for her memoires of long ago that have been lost. Almost like a dream. Dreamlike, her strong will of wanting to only go back home and be with her parents. Was my mom scared while she seemed to be hallucinating or was she perhaps at peace feeling the security and warmth of her childhood and the love of her parents? Was mom awake walking through her dream? We all have had dreams that have felt so warm and comforting that we don’t want to wake up from. Could this be what had happened to my mom?
For the moment my mom seems a little better. I can hardly express how good it feels. It gives me glimmers of hope that I know will absolutely not last. I am trying to stay optimistic and appreciate the time we still have together. I do not know how long this will last. I love my mom dearly and she still carries with her so much strength and courage. My mom continues to inspire me each day, and for this my mom remains my hero.