Friday, October 19, 2012



 Mom and I now continuously say to each other how much we love one another. It was not always like this.  It makes me wonder, why when I was growing up, did I not feel all this love and warmth from her? Nor did I return it. I was certainly daddy's little girl.

 I am not saying that I did not know she loved me, what I am saying is the warmth and nurturing that I felt as a child was coming from my dad, not my mom. Was it me? Was it her? Or was it both of us? My dad showed me lots of love, and showered me with much affection. Could my mom had been in a crazy way, jealous of our loving relationship? This I will never know or understand, and it no longer has any significance to me.

Today, and since my mom has Alzheimer's, the love we share is for me unspeakable. My mom had a really good week which left us with some amazing conversations. Every phone call ,left her asking me when I would be coming to see her. Mom would reply that we have a really good relationship and the truth was and I quote her," because she loved me more than anything in the world." She so sweetly, added in that I was the best in the world, and the greatest there is.

All these words of affection and love  melted my heart . It was all so magical, words that I can never forget. Alzheimer's has left her with no memory, yet when she still is present, she constantly shares all her love with me. Could she be making up for all the years that this was not shared ?  Maybe, and certainly, yes for me.

Are we like a mirror reflecting back and forth to each other our images of love? The simple things in life that I might have once taken for granted, now shine through . The words we speak each day, unless mom is having a bad day are filled with the brightest of sunshine. Her laugh, her smiles, her kisses now are everything to me.

 At the end of each phone call, I always ask her to throw me kisses.  I have shared with her that without her kisses my day would not be complete. As our last phone call came to an end, she said " if you want your kisses, then why don't you come over, and I'll give you real kisses." I smiled to myself knowing that I would be seeing her in six weeks, and for today she was having an exceptionally good day.

I hold so dear to my heart all our bright days, never knowing when they may fade away. Instead of thinking about the long goodbye, I focus on the long hello, and embrace all that we still can share.


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