TRACES & GLIMPSES
It has been five days since I returned from visiting my mom. Each day that I have spoken to her she has no recollection that I was ever there. That was until today. Mom did not exactly say that she had remembered I was just with her, yet I could tell from what she expressed that she was aware of it. I actually have gotten quite good at understanding what she is trying to say as she mixes up her words and syllables.
While I was with her she would get glimpses of a moment of her life. Then they would quickly disolve and disappear. Today mom wanted to know when I would be coming to visit, as she invited me to come and "sit" down with my husband. I was sure that there now were traces of our reunion together.
Directly after calling me Lisa , she then spoke these words, "what is your name?" I was sure that she knew that she was speaking to me. I answered with "what is your daughter's name?" She sweetly responded with "Lisa." I then said "my name, is Lisa." "You have the same name as my daughter." Sure do mom I thought ,as I answered," I am your daughter."
She expressed that she could not wait to see me again, and reassured me that she would always make room for me. I gracefully thanked her and shared with her that she was a wonderful hostess. I got a quick giggle from her as we kissed and said our goodbyes.
When I first returned home I was feeling a touch of sadness, even though mom while we were with her was doing considerably well. I guess it's because I know deep in my heart that it will be several long months before I return, and each visit now brings me closer to the reality of her illness.
I cherish our intimate relationship and celebrate that she still knows who I am, yet I question and wonder what her world must be like. When she awakes what may her thoughts be, if any, and is there for her a feeling of security within the walls of her home. What kind of existence does she now have? Is she happy or sad?
Yes she still has moments when words and expressions of cleverness flow from her lips. Mom still holds on to a quick sense of humor, and when she is feeling up to it, loves to be serenaded and appreciates beautiful music.
Entwined in these deeper thoughts, my mind certainly can wander. My saving grace for me, are my writings of our journey together. They have become my sanctuary as I travel this path with my mother. It's surely not an easy journey, yet I embrace with her and will continue to, for as long as we can. I hold on to our love for however long it may last. As minute as it is, mom fortunately still has some traces and glimpses of what once was. For this I must be grateful.