CLOSE TO MY HEART
As today's phone call came to an end, my mother told me that it was a "pleasure" to hear me sing to her. The word "pleasure" was a different word then she normally uses in her new limited vocabulary. I loved the sound of it, as it made my heart skip a beat. My soul cried out to how much I miss seeing her. Since my brother lives nearby, he gets to visit her once a week, which leaves me feeling a little envious.
I experienced mom this week in some different troubling ways. Her caregivers and I watched to see if she was behaving strange, because she was either constipated, having another UTI(Urinary Tract Infection) episode, or that Alzheimer's was naturally reclaiming her. This time I was able not to get upset and stay in the moment. Could I be getting immuned, or perhaps learning not to panic?
I must admit that I did call three times in one day, just wondering if she was doing any better. Fortunately, mom rarely ever needs to take any medication for anxiety. Yet this day I requested that her caregiver give her half a pill to hopefully bring some tranquility back into her life. As the day went by, the pill seemed to have helped.
Mom had been rambling on about her fingers and continuosly counting them, explaining that someone had slapped her hand. She insisted that she had to return home, although she was already in her home, as she claimed that she had much to do. I made certain that her fingers were not sprained or broken, since mom could not tell us if she had accidentally hurt herself. Could she have closed a closet or draw on her fingers? I am not certain, and we will never know.
The following day she made more sense, yet her question left me with an empty feeling. She wanted to know if I had any friends. "Yes mom, I do have friends." I was feeling rather sentimental as I expressed to her, how blessed I was that she was my mother and also my best friend. Mom then shared , "I use to have many friends but since I am now in the house all the time, you loose your friends." "Mom does this bother you?" "No not really,"she explained saying that these things do not upset her.
I can only wonder if mom feels all alone and terribly isolated. There are very few people left in her life. She has her caregivers, my brother and myself, yet in her universe, she no longer has any friends or neighbors that ever come to visit. What emotionally can she be experiencing in her world, that she no longer can share with any of us? I found that what I was left with, was an emotion of just wanting to hold her, and tell her that everything will be just fine
As the week progressed she bounced back and intrigued me with her words of wisdom. Once again mom was saying that she was happy to be alive. I have noticed that after she has had a disturbing experience, she always returns with being grateful for her health and life. It is amazing and a blessing that mom can somehow, someway really understand and appreciate just being alive. I listen carefully to this amazing ,wise lady, and I hold her words close to my heart, just knowing that each day that we are alive, truly is a gift.
Note: the picture above was when mom was free from Alzheimer's.