IF ONLY FOR A DAY
I most recently asked my mother is she would count to twenty for me. Mom refused claiming that she was not feeling very well. I thought differently. I realized that at this moment she was not capable of doing this. For her saying that she felt ill, was her way of covering up what felt difficult for her to perform. At certain moments she remains sharp enough to be able to know her limitations
This week my husband and I celebrated thirty two years of marriage. I excitedly shared this with mom and her response for me was adorable. "Wow Lisa, I did not know that you were married, and for such a long time." "Yes mom, I am." She then said "is he nice?'' "Very nice,"I answered. " I also have a son, your grandson who is named after your father.""How old is he?" Proudly, I said he's twenty five and six feet tall." Mom seemed delighted.
There are many different ways that I could have reacted to what mom could no longer remember. My emotions could have left me feeling upset ,or perhaps angry that she has Alzheimer's. Fortunately for me, I can appreciate and enjoy the interactions that we still can share. Mom was like an innocent child and just hearing her cuteness left me with smile.
Sometimes I wish that I could slip into my mother's head if only for a day, and see the world from her perspective. I wonder through her eyes what does she see? What does she hear, and what does she think? How does her brain process everything that surrounds her? Mom seems to be happy and in no pain, and for me this is all that is important.
Several years ago I interviewed her and asked if it was scary that she did not remember certain things. Her answer, back then, was that it did not upset her. She knew that whatever had happened the day before had to be nice. Today, mom has lost a great deal of her memory. I ponder what would mom now say, and could she even answer my question? Sometimes, I sit, I wait and I wonder. If only for one day could I know the answer.