DOES HE LIKE ME ?

DOES HE LIKE ME ?

Once there was a time when my mom and her only grandchild would spend hours watching movies together, laughing, hugging and holding hands. Logan and his grandma were both movie lovers and Logan could watch the same movie over and over. Each time his grandmother came to visit they would have popcorn and pretzels as they put on another movie. They must have seen "Home Alone" together at least one hundred times.

I must admit that my mom was a great sport, to watch the same movie, over and over, year after year. I would not have been able to do that.  I guess for your grandchild, you would do anything, especially one that my mom adored so much. Mom always told me how much she loved Logan and how she felt he loved her back.

I remember when my husband and I would pick my parents up at the airport, and as they approached the gate, they would scoot right by us, to pick Logan up in their arms. Almost as if we did not even exist. After a few moments of them smothering Logan with kisses and hugs, I would then say "hey, remember us"?

We'd all would laugh, and I loved to watch the joy they had for my one and only child.  It thrilled their hearts, and mine as well.

Today is a different story. Actually, last year when Logan and I went to visit her in Florida, she asked Logan, while they were watching television together, if he had any brother's or sister's. Things of course have really changed since my mom has Alzheimer's. I want to believe that she remembers Logan although I'm not really sure.

There are pictures of him scattered, at all ages all over her home, on her refrigerator and yet mom because of her macular degeneration can no longer really focus to see him .

The other day mom was having glimpses of some memories, so I decided to I share with her that Logan and his gilrfriend were looking for an apartment together.  I  told her that I was thrilled since we really did like her. Mom thought that it was so nice, except she asked me two questions. One was "how old is the little boy"? Which I answered, "the little boy is not so little, he's twenty four years old". The other question, almost broke my heart as she uttered the words, "does he like me"? "Mom, not only does he like you, he also loves you".  I could feel the happiness flowing from her heart.

I then shared with mom that Gil, her son was coming today to see her. Mom answered with,"oh great ,and is this my real son"? I giggled and said "of course mom, you have only one son, and he is the real one". Mom seemed to enjoy that, as I wondered what was she thinking.

As I hung up the phone I thought about the several conversations we just had and thought how horrific Alzheimer's is. How can this disease just remove all of her memories, her identity, her past and even her future. The moment something happens one second later it is all gone .

Even when I share with my mom that I am coming to visit, she cannot hold on to the joy that in the near future I will be arriving. The whole thought and experience is lost that second and disappears into no where land.

I sit and wonder how my mom spoke those words asking me does he like me?  I felt a sadness about how can this disease destroy all these brain cells, bit by bit to there is nothing left. How can she forget the feelings of his love?

All that I have left to say is "mom, your grandson not only loves you, he adores you for all the things that you once shared, for being his grandmother, and for all the love he truly has felt from you.

Powerful tape only 2 minutes long.Please watch and pass along.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xeHTTonG6co&feature=player_embedded

MOM, DO YOU REMEMBER MY BIRTHDAY?

MOM, DO YOU REMEMBER MY BIRTHDAY ?

My vacation started the week that I would also be celebrating my birthday. As usual I phoned my mom each day to say hello and see how she was doing. I can always tell from the sound of her voice and how she responds to me, what her state of mind is.

This week was not one of her better ones. She was confused about most of the things that I spoke about. She mentioned that she still lived in New York, which was her home twenty five years ago. Mom no longer knows when I was born or how old I am ,which is not necessarily a bad thing.
When I whispered my age, she was able to make a joke and tell me that I was catching up to her. With that we both giggled like teenage girls.

 My mom asked me to please remind her again, the day of my birthday. She was concerned that she would not remember. I reassured her that I will absolutely let her know as she serenaded me with "Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you". As she got to the verse to say my name, mom said "you, you". When she finished singing I said, "mom who is you, you"? Sounding a little embarrassed she said "its you and I just forgot your name ,although it is on the tip of my tongue". "Mom here is a hint for you, my name starts with the letter L". She shouted out, "Lisa" sounding so proud of herself.


 On the day of my birthday, I reminded my mom, and she then sang again to me. This time she got it correct and added in Lisa, as she reached that part of the lyrics. I excitedly thanked her for bringing me into the world and she responded with "how did I bring you into the world"? "Mom, you gave birth to me", which she seemed confused and not able to comprehend. Since my dad passed away seventeen years ago, I now do not have a parent who can truly celebrate bringing me into this world.

As I hung up the phone I realized that my mood had shifted. I was feeling a pang in my heart for my mom and maybe also for me. My mind started racing and thinking about people who have cancer and what they perhaps need to go through. Chemo and or radiation therapy. I hear how sick this can make them feel. Yet, I also thought of how Alzheimer's disease can remove someones entire existence, their entire life, as if it never happened. I wondered to myself which disease was better or worse, if given the choice.

I needed to get my mind away from this and back into enjoying our vacation.  As we were driving into the sunset I was then able to shake off these feelings. We started climbing the winding roads and through the mountains in the Berkshires , being very close to the borders of Vermont. I was able to appreciate all the beauty that was right there before my eyes, and feel refreshed by the breeze of the fresh country air. I felt once again alive, and so thankful for all the wonderful things that I have in my life . Things that on some days we can all take for granted.

My mom in a few days seemed to bounce back again, and for this and the time we still have together I cherish and celebrate all the love and affection that we can share. She may not remember the day I was born ,or the very first time when she held me in her arms, yet I can  still feel all the love that she has for me and all the love I have for her.

MY MAN I LOVED HIM SO

MY MAN I LOVED HIM SO


Today when I spoke to my mom I mentioned that it was my birthday in eight days.  When I questioned her about what day I was born, and how old I would be, mom then said that she had no recollection of any of it.  I whispered to her my age and with humor, she answered , "you're catching up to me".  I  giggled at her quick and witty response.

When I phoned mom and her caregiver Elaine, had just been watching a love story on the television . Elaine was so excited to she share with me what my mom had just finished saying.  Mom said to her that the movie was a beautiful love story. She continued to tell her that she lost her husband a long time ago (seventeen years to be exact) and how much she really missed him.  The next thing she said was that she'd do anything to have him back.

What my ears had just heard sent chills up and down my spine. Out of my sometimes fear ,to not cause my mom any unnecessary pain, I avoid bringing up my dad to her.  At times when I have, my mom usually says that she cannot remember him.

No matter how many times I have heard this from her, I still find it amazing that to be married for fifty years and to have shared a family and lifetime together that she cannot recall any of it.  How sad this truly is.

The saving grace for me, and of course my mom, is that I know deep in my heart, that whatever memories  she just had of my dad, are now long forgotten.  She could no longer feel any pain or sadness.

"Hi mom, I heard you just watched a movie that you liked a lot". Mom answered with "yes it was very good". What was it about"?  I inquired. I then heard my mom ask Elaine to please tell me what the movie was about, for she could not remember.

The feelings of her remembering my dad was all but washed away. Something like a passing rain shower or even more, a rainbow that quickly fades away.

Mom and dad were married in 1942, when she had just turned eighteen years old.  My dad was turning twenty one and soon to be shipping off with the Navy. They were married for fifty years, and now for my mom it seems to be a life that has been taken away.  I wonder how such a disease can destroy a lifetime of memories. 

Hopefully one day researchers in the medical field will be able to find a cure, so others will be able to hold onto the memories of their lives and all their loved ones.

So dad if mom could remember her most recent words, I'm sure she would say again, "my man I loved him so".

SHE REALLY MAKES ME SMILE

SHE REALLY MAKES ME SMILE

"Hi mom how are you"? "Lisa is that you"? "Yes mom it's your beautiful daughter calling her favorite mom to see how you are doing". "Lisa, when are you coming to see me"? "Mom( I fib) I'll be coming in four weeks". "Mom replied, "that's great because I really miss you".

I feel a pang in my heart because I know that I will not be returning to see my mom for several months.  I can get away with this white lie, because Ruthie has no recollection of what I just said, and even more when I lasted visited . Actually my mom, cannot remember anything anymore. "Mom, I live too far away and I was just at your home six weeks ago". "I really do not remember", she answers, "it feels like a very long time ago".

"Well mom you do have a special person coming to visit you today".  "Who"? she askes. "Your son Gil is coming to visit with his girlfriend". Mom tweets in with "Gil has a girlfriend"? Yes mom and we both met her when I visited six weeks ago. "What is his girlfriends name"? "Her name in Rochelle and she's very nice". I then mention to her that they will be coming with their two dogs. "Why"?  "Mom,because the dogs want to visit you also". "Please be careful that you do not step on them". We both find this quite funny and start to giggle.

"Mom would you like to come and visit me in New York"? "No not now", she replies, as she goes on to describe how she use to live here many years ago.  She remembers looking out the window and watching as things went by. "Well mom I remember you and I going to the museums, the theatre,the top of the Empire State Building, and taking the buses and subways all over". "Lisa, I did that?  I do not remember for it was so long ago". "I do mom, and I also remember how much you enjoyed yourself ".

Unfortuantely if she did these things earlier today, she still would not remember anything. This is what Alzheimer's has done to her. Her mind once filled with beautiful visions, has now become a blank canvas.  A lifetime of her memories all have disappeared.

"Mom, I love you ,I'll speak to you later".  "Okey dokey", she says and answers with," I love you even more".

I have just approached the Alzheimer's Association offices in the city.  I am here for a meeting to get involved with  a project to help spread awareness with them for September is Alzheimer's Month . We want to paint the town purple, and to spread our word for all to hear.

It's strange how I hung up with my mom, the very moment that I approached the entrance to their office's.  As I entered I has such a huge smile across my face and felt my heart filled with much love. I realized how almost everyday when I speak to my mom I am able to have these silly, touching and funny conversations with her. Conversations that at that time make little sense, yet they make us both really have fun and laugh aloud.  A laugh deep from our hearts and one that fills us with much pleasure and joy.

My mom probably forgets immediately what we just shared, yet for me I walk away with so much warmth as she  adds a big smile to my face. When my mom was free of this diseaese these light hearted fun converstaion did not exist. I was too busy wanting to get off the phone and now every time that I speak to her I hang up with feelings of so much love and happiness.

As strange as it sounds, there for me is much joy in whatever time we still have together, for this special lady, can really make me smile.

MOM WILL ALWAYS BE MY PRINCESS

 MOM WILL ALWAYS BE MY PRINCESS


On most days when I speak to my mom, we are unable to have any continuous conversations, so I find that I repeat many of the same things.  I'll share with her about my day and what I might have done the day before.  Thankfully we are still are able to laugh and have some fun.  I can always tell from her voice how perky she is, and if she will want to stay on the phone with me, or rush me off. When I see how she is, I can quickly decide if we should have our spelling bee, or perhaps sing some songs.  She usually enjoys engaging in either one.

For this I am still so fortunate.  When she does answer me with something that makes absolutely no sense, I answer as if it did.  You see I know as her disease progresses, that there will probably be a time, when my mom will no longer be able to speak.

Almost everyday when I do question her, she always has the very same answer.  She will say that she cannot remember anything as I always chirp in, "mom do you remember how much I love you"? "Of course I do".  Well mom, you see you do remember the important things".  Yet this week, she took me by surprise when she spoke these words, "isn't that strange, I cannot remember anything".  As if this was something brand new for her, that just took place.  My mom who has Alzheimer's, for at least eight years, has not been able to remember anything for quite some time now.

She seemed to quickly change the subject and said "there are days we feel good and day's that we don't feel so good". "Yes, mom that is certainly true".  As I tried to lighten the conversation, I then said "mom, are you a princess for the day"? Mom giggled and humorously replied  "if I find a prince then I can be the princess".  I smiled to myself, and thought how amazing it is, that in some ways she still can be so quick and sharp.


With all that is happening to her I never here her complain. I wonder at each moment, before she forgets what were her thoughts?  Does she realize what is happening to her?  Can she understand it all?  Probably not, although I do think that as she has these fleeting moments she does understand. This will always remain a mystery to me.  One that I will never know the answer to.


 In some ways the tables have turned, and although Ruthie is still and forever my mom, there are moments when I visit her, that she seems to be like a child.  So today and for always, my mom can and will remain for me, my one and only princess.


FACT- 5.4 Million Americans are living with Alzheimer's disease.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?

v=xeHTTonG6co&feature=player_
embedded
Wonderful 2 minute film. Please watch.

THE MOM I USE TO FIGHT WITH

THE MOM I USE TO FIGHT WITH (flashback 3 years ago)

Today on the phone my mom seemed upset( this occurred three years ago).  I think she was quite aware of the hard time she was starting to have since she suffers from Alzheimer’s.   As I described her personality to my husband, I mentioned how she sounded to me like the "old" mom.  I heard once again the harshness in her voice.   The sweet, kind and nurturing one that she has been showing had disappeared.  It was the mom I had always experienced while growing up, a part of her that I never liked. 

It was a part of her personality that at moments could show up in me.  This was where our personalities had clashed.  This was where we did not seem to get along.  This was part of her personality of being tough, and never letting anyone take advantage of her.  At times these aspects could also be a part of me.

Could it be that ,my mom who stood not quite 5 feet tall, did this to protect herself?  Or as I personally experienced myself, could something from her childhood have caused her to react this way?
Back to the present

This week after my mom and I had one of our many conversations, I hung up and wondered if  she would have been as sweet as she is today, would I have also been as loving as I now am to her .

Today and each day that I speak to her I tell her how very much I love her, and how special she is to me.  She always seems to thank me for what I just said . What would it have been like if I would have understood and loved her in the same way when I was a child?  Would my mom have been as sweet and gentle with me as she is now? Would we have had an entirely different relationship? Was it me or was it both of us?

Why did it take my mom's illness for her to be able show how very sweet she is, and for me to love her as deeply as I do.

Can you only imagine how I now feel, when my mom thanks me, for all the kind words that I shower upon her.  All that I am left to say is "mom if I didn't mean everything I just said, I would never say it".

I guess as the expression goes that it is never too late to fall in love, except this is not with a man this is with my own mother.  My mother who in her later years of life, as she suffers from Alzheimer's has been able to shine with all the love she has to give. This lady who I use to fight with no longer exists.

For me there appears to be some silver lining behind this awful disease. Maybe my mom has no recollection of her past, and at times can be confused, yet the one thing she never seems to forget is to show me  all her love. 

My heart has opened up for her with such love and joy, that I can now celebrate each day that we have left. Alzheimer's is a tragic disease, yet in some strange way, it has returned to me my mom, the one I now call my hero.

Together we all need to spread and raise awareness about Alzheimer's.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xeHTTonG6co&feature=player_embedded

MOM IS MY SHINING STAR

 MOM IS MY SHINING STAR

She's only a pint size lady standing four feet nine inches tall, yet she has become to me a shining star in my life.  On most days when I phone her I feel such joy just to be able to speak to her. This week was a little of a downer for me, because I foolishly left my water faucet on in my bathroom.  Of course, I did not realize it.  Is it possible that I am also getting Alzheimer's ?  My building had shut off the water, as they do once a year, to clean the out water tanks.  I  had gone out for several hours and when I returned, I found a flood that has taken over a week to clean up.

I tried sharing this with my mom who didn't truly understand everything , although I must admit she did try to comfort me.  I felt so careless and stupid, that I really just wanted her to tell me that everything will be okay. I realized that it was no big deal, except I did carry  around with me a heaviness that lasted most of the week. Mom's wisdom was able to shine through, as she told me that as long as we have our health, that was all that was important.

When I phoned the next day, Elaine her cargiver said "your daughter Lisa is on the phone".  I heard my mom sound surprised that I was calling.  I asked her why she sounded surprised, and Ruthie's answer was," I hardly hear from you". I laughed and my response was, "Mom I call you everyday". Ruthie then replied, "I truly do not remember, but I still do love you".  I then answered, "I love you too". She then said "we have no contest about who loves each other more".  She continued with her words of wisdom, saying that the only thing that really matters is that we have our health .

Mom has been doing so well lately and I am starting to believe, that the coconut oil that she is given every morning by Elaine is working.  You see I have no other explanation for what seems to be stablizing her with her Alzheimer's disease.  She has no memory left, yet somehow she seems better.

Not only has she been so aware and sharp she has been also talking up a storm.  Since I have returned from visiting her (which is almost a month)  she continues to question me about when I will coming to see her . She now wants to know how long I will be staying. My answer is for one week, and her response is that it would be nice if I can stay longer. "Mom, I won't be able to stay longer, since I am coming with my husband, and he needs to get back to work".  She then tries to convince me that I should come first, and he can come later.  I make light of it by saying "are you asking me to move in with you" ?  As usual we both giggle.

My mom only has one grandson who she adores. I'm not sure how much she remembers, because she is always surprised about everything. I constantly tell her where he works, lives and how tall he is .  She still thinks that he is a young child.  I know that on most days she does not know his name, for she will question me about how my children are doing. "Mom, I say, I only have one child". Ruthie seems to be surprised.

Today I explained how this week the weather in New York has been irrational. That one day it's fifty degress and that the following day it's eighty degrees.  She immediately said "wow thirty degrees is a big difference".  I was delighted that she was able to figure that out, and so quickly.  It showed me for the moment that her mind had clarity.  

To me my mom is an amazing lady who adds much joy to my life.  It's so important to me while I can, to frolic in the joy she can bring.  I do not know where Alzheimer's will be taking her.  So for now our journey together will hopefully be filled with many bright days. I somehow consider myself  to be one of the lucky ones.  During these last several years my mom's disease has helped me get in touch with the deep love I have for her.

Smiles, laughter and joy can make anyone feel good.  It certainly can place a smile in your heart and one on your face.  My mom has become  my shining star.  We all seem to have choices in our lives, and for me, I choose to stay grateful for all that my mom has left, before she slips away.

SO SWEET AND TENDER

SO SWEET AND TENDER

Since my last visit my mom has been asking me almost everyday when I will be coming to see her.  The truth is that I will not be returning for at least three to four months. Yet I do not share these thoughts with her. This time when my mom asked when would I be coming, my answer was within a few weeks.  She replied, "what does a few weeks mean"?  I quickly answered her by saying I would be visiting in four weeks, although I knew this was not true.  She then whispered so sweet and tender, "that's good for four weeks is pretty soon".  Ruthie, my mom did like my answer, and I had no fear that she could remember and hold me to this time frame.

Of course there is some sadness that I did not tell her the truth, and even more that we live in different states.  How special it would be if I could see her at least once a week as my brother is able to do.

My mom said that she remembered that I was at her home, yet she could not say, when or for how many days I visited.  I knew from her caregivers that for the first week she walked around calling my name and looking for me.

We continued our phone call and I had Ruthie spelling from A-Z using countries, cities and states. I started off with Arizona, then Barcelona, Connecticut and onward. When I asked her to spell New York, and when I reached San Francisco, she started to sing the lyrics to "New York, New York" and " I Left My Heart in San Francisco". These songs have become familiar to most of us, like national anthems.

When mom did not understand my pronunciation of some words that I asked her to spell, she sharply told me to speak English.  She made me laugh and I did feel joyous for she sounded  aware and alert.  She was into our spelling game and scored a ninety five for her almost perfection.

If my mom did not have Alzheimer's, and she said what she said to me, I might have felt annoyed.  Although now it is quite different.  As far as I am concerned, my mom can do no wrong.  I just seem to appreciate and cherish every word that comes from her lips.

On this particular day she was as sharp as a tack and filled with much clarity.  I once again wondered if it's all the coconut oil that my brother has her caregivers give her each day.  He read an article about it and believed it might work, so he immediately bought it for her.  At this point I certainly do not mind the things he tries.  Some things might be worth trying.  No one really knows.

I ended our phone call with telling her how much I loved her and said, "mom I wish that I lived close to you".  Ruthie answered, "me too, and who knows maybe one day we will".  With a smile and a wish I whispered back to her "mom wouldn't that really be nice".

Her sweetness and tenderness have me miss her so. My mom's strength and courage has inspired me. She has become my hero.  My love and appreciation for who she is just amazing.  Alzheimer's may have stolen her memory, yet Alzheimer's cannot steal all the love I feel for her.

I also feel the love she has for me, and I am sure that she still can remember how very much I do love her.  Tomorrow when I awake, although I will not be able to see her, I will still be able to pick up my phone and hear her sweet and tender words.  For this I am quite grateful.

THE DISTANCE BETWEEN US

THE DISTANCE BETWEEN US

It's amazing to me that three days before my visit to see my mom, she asked me each time that I called, when would I be coming to visit.  I knew in my heart that embedded somewhere in her memory she knew that I was coming to see her. Mom and I for the last two weeks had been counting backwards, till I would be arriving at her home.  She sounded vibrant and filled with much aliveness and excitement.  Maybe I was imagining all of this, which did not matter, for I could feel it in my heart and soul the same joy, as I awaited for my plane to take off.

My visit to my mom's house several days before Mother's Day left me with different emotions. While I was with her I felt much love, mixed with some pain and frustration. Although on a very upbeat note my mom was doing wonderful.  At moments when she refused to brush her teeth or get dressed, I had to remind myself that her yelling at me, that she was not a child, was frustrating to both of us.  I laughed, I cried and the love I felt towards her touched me deeply.

I witnessed her as she danced and shared the same story over and over again with my dear friend Alana, who came to visit us. Mom was especially vibrant and Alana described her as " both beautiful and spunky," this being the first time they met.

The following morning when my mom awoke I was lying on the floor while I did my daily excercises. The day before my mom assisted me as I had her count to one hundred, as I performed a pilates movement.  Mom with much enthusiam that morning, was so excited to see me and immediately joined me and started to count to one hundred. As I layed on the towel, she then said, "seeing your face and having you here is both very comforting to me".  I melted as she spoke those words.  As I stood up to continue my routine she then asked "who is your mother"? With amazement I looked at her and said "mom, you are my mother and I love you deeply". Mom replied, "I love you also".  I then asked her my name, and after her calling me Lisa for two days, at least a thousand times she said" it's on the tip of my tongue, although at this second I cannot remember it". Mom, I said "my name is Lisa".

After my return to New York, I shared with my husband that my mom was filled with moments where she was so lucid, and then there were the other moments that seemed to come and go. Yet I felt quite grateful on how well she seemed to be doing. I guess I got lucky this trip because there have been other visits where my mom's Alzheimer's seemed to take control.

The next morning my mom sounded so excited to hear from me  and I shared that I missed her counting for me as I exercised.  Mom replied, "it's funny how you get use to doing something". "I guess so mom, although I really do miss you".  As our phone call came to an end, my mom did ask "when will I see you"? I think to myself that I just left, yet I answer with "I'll see you in a couple of weeks". Mom then utters the words, "that's great because you know that I love seeing you".

As of this moment it is not the fact that my mom has Alzheimer's that upsets me, it's that I live so far away and do not have the opportunity to go and see her each day. Could it be that I miss her so much because today is Mother's Day? No, I know the answer to that.  It is the fact that whatever day or time, the distance between us still remains the same.

DOES MY MOM WITH ALZHEIMER'S KNOW IT'S MOTHERS DAY ?

DOES MY MOM WITH ALZHEIMER'S KNOW IT'S MOTHERS DAY ?

I'll be off to see my mom on Wednesday for Mother's Day. My flight leaves New York early in the morning.  As I prepare myself for my trip I get flashes of all different memories and feelings. What will mom be like this time ? How much has her Alzheimer's caused her to disappear into her world ?  Speaking to my mom each day is quite different than living with her.  For the most part my conversations on the phone with my mom are great.  Then of course there are those other moments. So actually being and living with mom for several days is quite different.  My heart misses her and my stomach seems to churn both with excitement and nervousness.


During this week my emotions about my mother ran like a river with many inlets. Today's phone call left me feeling exhilarated, yet during the week after my mom had an episode of incontinence, I fell into an emotion of feeling quite sad and lost. Fortunately she was fine for the rest of the week, as her caregivers realized that they might have overloaded her with too much bran, since she had been constipated.


After that episode I was not able to shake the sadness that I seemed to carry with me for most of the day.  I had felt that my mom was no longer whole and had become half a person. How could this be and now where was my mother's journey from Alzheimer's going ? What would be happening next ? I did not understand, and for the rest of the day, I walked around in a haze, with a lump in my throat and a pain in my heart. Each day when I called I was frightful, until I was reassured that my mother was doing just fine.


Today, I had so much joy I wanted to run to a mountain top and spread the words that my mom had just shared with me. She had such a softness and nurturing kindness to her voice. We at first spoke about all the people who she could not remember since most of them had moved away. Mom said that maybe if she was able to see them, then perhaps she would remember them. "Mom, I declared, I hope since I live so far away that you never will forget me". My mom answered with "how could I ever forget you". Then she explained that the most important thing is that we are all well. She continued to say that there was nothing more important than being healthy.


I changed the subject and told her that I would be seeing her in five days as I was coming to celebrate Mother's Day with her. My mom seemed to remember that I had promised to take her for an ice cream sundae. With delight in my voice, and shock that she could remember this, I shouted to her "absolutely". As our phone call was coming to end, my mom then uttered the sound of these words, "do you love me like I love you"?  As my heart seemed to break in half, I answered with, "Mom, I love you even more than that". She then started to sing the words as we said our goodbyes.


With much love in my heart, I just wanted to place her last words to me and seal them in a bottle for me to open whenever I so desired to. I know that after we hung up, mom does not remember our conversation, nor does she even remember that I will be seeing her in five days. I know that she has no idea that it's Mother's Day. Yet I do, and for me my mom will always be that special mom, that for years before she became ill, I never even knew I had.

I would like to wish all the mom's, a very special Mother's Day.

IN MOM'S WORLD - DO I LAUGH OR CRY ?

 IN MOM"S WORLD - DO I LAUGH OR CRY ?

This week in every conversation that I shared with my mom, who has Alzheimer's, I found many joyous and upbeat moments. That is until today.

The week started with my mom and myself being excited, that I would be coming to see her in twenty four days. I told my mom that the countdown began, and she asked me to write it down and send it to her, so she will remember. There is absolutely no point in doing that ,so I decided to start a counting exercise with her everyday. "Mom can you count backwards from twenty four to zero"? Mom declared with much enthusiasm, "of course I can do that" and she immediately started to count."Twenty four, twenty three, twenty two, twenty one," so quickly and correctly, until she reached zero.

I was amazed, how her memory, when it came to counting, and no less backwards, just like her spelling was so refreshingly sharp. I then asked her to count backwards skipping two at a time, and she immediately said twenty four, twenty two, twenty, eighteen until she reached zero. I really wonder how she is able to do this?

I laughed with her, as I told her that her memory works so well backwards, that maybe she should stand upside down . We then sang some songs, as we both giggled about silly little things we said to each other. Most importantly we shared one wonderful moment. Tomorrow will be twenty three days  until I arrive. I can hardly wait.

The next day I reminded my mom, that my brother would be coming to see her. As I continued to joke with her and keep our conversations both simple and light, I told her that she was so lucky to have Gil as her son. Mom answered immediately saying, " yes I am one lucky lady and I love you and Gil so very much". My heart just melted as I said " we are also so lucky to have you as our mother". Mom answered with, "thank you so much, for saying that to me". I hung up the phone, with a big smile on my face and much love in my heart. Only twenty two days, until I get to see my mom.

The day after when I called, Elaine her caregiver was laughing as she answered the phone. She told me that my mom had just got done telling her all about her own mother. My mom shared how kind, generous and giving her mom was. All of this was true.  As Elaine repeated the conversation to me my mom chirped in with " it's true, I would never make up stories".

Elaine handed the phone to mom.  I kidded mom about how she was when I was a child. "Oh you lived near me"?  With surprise in my voice, I answered with "mom I lived with you. Who do you think you're speaking to"? Mom then said, "I don't know".

When I hung up, I turned to my husband and laughed, as I repeated my conversation that I just had with my mom. I'm not sure how funny I actually thought it was, although I do get joy from the silly unexpected things that she is still able to say. I guess I'm lucky to still be able to laugh with her or find some joy in her childish ways.

The following days phone call was a little different.  Mom did not know my name. "Mom I'm your daughter, you actually named me". I heard Trudy, Elaine's daughter say to my mom that my name started with the letter L. My mom then said with much question in her voice, "Louise?(nope)Lucy?(nope) Laura?(nope), until I said my name is Lisa. "Mom what is your son's name" I asked, and Ruthie was able to answer correctly. I then asked her name, and her middle name, and she responded with," Ruth Esther", which was absolutely correct. "Okay mom what is my middle name"? She had no idea.
 I then asked what color hair I had. Mom answered " black", I quickly responded that was not my color. Then she said "red". Okay mom, I've had blond hair for at least the last thirty years.  I asked to speak to Trudy and I said with laughter, "my mom sounded good, yet I guess this is not one of her better days".

As I hung up I felt sadness in my heart.  I wondered if I lived closer would she never forget my name. In my heart I know the answer. Distance has really nothing much to do with what happened today. It's what Alzheimer's does to their victims. I was able to smile and continue on with my day, although, if I say it did not sadden me I would not be telling the truth.

I still keep a smile in my heart, and now have only nineteen more days until I see my mom. I will then be able to give her a big kiss and squeeze her tightly. I do wonder if I am the child or the mother. I guess maybe, a little of both.

I still choose to laugh and cherish all the love that my mom and I still can share. For I know that one day this may no longer be possible.  So for today, I'd rather feel the thrill of laughter, than the tears of sadness.

LIKE A MIRACLE

 LIKE A MIRACLE

I have heard that Alzheimer's can come and go. Actually it never really disappears yet there can be moments and even a day where speaking to my mom, she almost seems not to have any form of dementia. Okay maybe I am exaggerating a little, although when these moments come it feels like a miracle.

My brother recently told me a cute story about my mom's conversation with a visiting nurse. The nurse was trying to see if my mom needed any other care. My brother and Trudy her caregiver, were with her when the nurse arrived. She asked my mother many questions, ones that mom could not answer correctly. Then the nurse asked mom if she knew what month it was. My mom answered "July". The nurse said" no it's April". My feisty mom responded, "if  you know what month it is then why ask me"? As my brother shared this with me, we both laughed and I smiled with pleasure, a pleasure, that mom was still there.
 

Yesterday when I spoke to my mom her dementia seemed to be gone. I started the conversation by telling her that Logan would be staying at my house for a week while studying for a test. I explained that he had three roommate's, and after working all day it was hard to study in his apartment. Not only did my mom listen, she also was able to make comments about him and ask me questions.  Being in the moment, my mom spoke about Logan, her one and only grandchild.  She reminisced how smart and sweet he is. Could this really be miracle ? You see my mom on most days cannot follow a conversation, and does not remember her grandsons name.


From far away each day as I speak to my mom I try to stimulate her mind,by the use of words, questions and of course spelling and singing.  There are times she rushes me off the phone by saying "I'm going to hang up now". "Mom I just called, and mom says anyway, "I'm going to say goodbye". "That's okay mom just before you hang up, you need to throw me my kisses". And once again that is how our phone calls end. I catch her kisses, as when I was a young child, and safely place them in my pocket.

I am able to enjoy all the words my mom still can say.  I do not question the other parts. What would be the sense? It would only upset me, so I choose to appreciate and savor, what I still can call these special moments. Are they miracles? Or perhaps magic?  To me, it does not really matter.