YEARNING FOR YESTERDAY

 

YEARNING FOR YESTERDAY


As I finished another chapter of a book I am reading, I flashed on my mother and how she once loved to read. She described that when she was a teenager she could spend hours during the summer months reading under a tree. She imagined becoming some of the fascinating characters she read about. Besides her passion for literature she also adored watching movies.

Both of these joys no longer exist in her world. She is unable to read and she cannot follow the script from any movie. All of these pleasures for her are lost due to this horrific disease- Alzheimer's.  This now makes me wonder what sort of existence she now endures.

I phone the nursing home at least 2- 4 times a day trying to either reach a nurse or perhaps catch a moment to speak with her. I usually am told that she is walking around the hallways, as she is strapped into her walker, smiling to whoever passes her by.  Is she strolling or better yet wandering from being lost and confused ?

It's hard for me not to question what sort or life this is for her. Mom knows no difference, so in her universe she probably is fine. It is I who anguise for her and wonder how she really is doing.

Perhaps for me I need to adjust to her "new" life. Mom is now in her own world, and somehow I am the one left trying to find some inner peace. As each day passes my life is moving forward and mom's life seems to be disappearing .

Intellectually speaking, I realize that life does not stand still, yet I cannot help to yearn for yesterday. It's a yearning deep inside of me to bring my mom back to being a whole person.


My Mom My Hero book is for all the special people in our lives.

Available on Amazon & Kindle worldwide.
http://www.amazon.com/Mom-Hero-Alzheimers-A-daughters-bittersweet/dp/0615773982/ref=tmm_pap_title_0?ie=UTF8&qid=1381851317&sr=1-1
 

SEARCHING MY HEART

SEARCHING MY HEART

This picture of my son Logan, my mom and my dad means the world to me. It was taken in 1990 and for me it brings back many loving memories . Life was quite different then. We were all younger and when I look at mom she was filled with so much joy, just being close to her only grandchild. Today mom has no idea that she has a grandson.

Several weeks ago I went to spend time with her at the nursing home. I also spent a part of each day with my brother going through my parents personal belongings. Dad had passed away over eighteen years ago and although all his clothes were no longer in their home, we found his navy discharge papers and love letters that he wrote to her while stationed in Trinidad.

We prepared her condo to put it up for sale, knowing that mom would never be returning. Each day my brother and I shared some touching moments as we reminisced about our childhood. Now mom has no recollection of her home of twenty seven years. This like everything else seems to have vanished from her life.

Surprisingly to me, I was able to go through the week without too many emotions taking over. I held out and after returning to New York, I did experience several days of a "melt down". I broke down and cried for both of my parents, and also searched my heart about my own mortality.

I thought of mom's new life and what may be left of it. It seems when one door closes another one opens. The people who tell me that they understand, I know that they say these words out of kindness. Yet unless they have had a loved one with Alzheimer's they cannot really understand how horrific this disease is. I too wonder how it can rob you of your entire life, as if it never existed.

Wiping away images of what my mom lives through each day, somehow helps me to be grateful for the remaining days, months or years that we still have left .Staying in the moment keeps me from drifting into darker territory, places that I am fearful to travel .  I just want to feel her warmth and smile whenever I think of her. My heart must see the sun rising each day, as I know this is what my mom would only wish for me.


This Sunday Oct 20th in NYC I will be walking for my mom, her younger brother who passed away from Alzheimer's, and for all the other families all over the world who suffer from this horrific disease.

My Mom My Hero book is for all the special people in our lives.

Available on Amazon & Kindle worldwide.
http://www.amazon.com/Mom-Hero-Alzheimers-A-daughters-bittersweet/dp/0615773982/ref=tmm_pap_title_0?ie=UTF8&qid=1381851317&sr=1-1

IF ONLY FOR A MOMENT

IF ONLY FOR A MOMENT


Since my mom moved into a nursing facility her life and mine has definitely changed. She is unable to express what she is feeling, yet I'm sure that she is wondering what is happening to her. She knows her surroundings are different and since she is still aware, I can only imagine the fear that she must  be experiencing. If there could be any good part to this horrific disease it is that whatever unhappy thoughts she has, disappear as quickly as they come.

I too have had to make some adjustments given mom's new living situation. My daily morning phone calls to her that meant the world to me, now exist in a different way. Each day at different hours I place my calls to the nursing home . I phone late in the morning hoping to catch mom between an activity or her lunch time. On other days I call after her dinner trying again, to be able to reach her. Sometimes I get lucky, and at other times I am told that she is resting in bed.

The other day she sounded so cute as she was excited to hear I was on the phone. Right after she said hello she immediately said that she would call me back, and just hung up on me. Another day, I had a magical conversation with her. We spoke as if everything was like it use to be. With tears in my eyes I shared that she was breaking my heart. Mom questioned why, and said that she did not want to  break my heart. The call was so tender and left me feeling so warm almost like I was on cloud nine.

When I get to share these sentimental phone calls with her I truly cherish them, and am grateful that they still do exist.  On the days that I am not able to speak to her I have been able to feel connected. Just hearing from her nurse how her day was, has fulfilled me in a different way.

Staying away from visions of seeing mom in a the nursing home setting, wearing diapers ,strapped into a  walker or being pushed in a wheelchair is so important for me. When my mind travels down this path I quickly wash away these upsetting images.

I find myself grasping to this memory from a few years ago. On many occasions I would ask mom if she could wish for anything what would it be. She always answered "for my children to be happy and healthy." So as each day comes and goes, if only for a moment, I choose to reflect on her life as a whole person. A woman who has loved me, raised me and inspired me.



My Mom My Hero book is for all the special people in our lives.

Available on Amazon & Kindle worldwide.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0615773982/ref=olp_product_details?ie=UTF8&me=&seller=

MY MOM , YOUR MOM

MY MOM, YOUR MOM

We all know how special our mom's are and we hold them dear to our hearts. For me, I was not always in touch with these feelings. Today I am filled with a deep unconditional love for this lady that without  her realizing it she can easily break my heart . Not until my mom became ill, over nine years ago with Alzheimer's did I feel an enduring love for her.

Yes, I always loved her, yet I was not in touch with how much I appreciated and adored her. As a child I was daddy's little girl . Life can be strange, for out of her illness a whole world opened up  filling me with a deep affection and admiration for her. Without this I do not know if I would have been able to get in touch with all of these feelings.

Since I was aware that she had to go into a nursing home, I found myself struggling with different emotions. I have had many people reach out to me and share that I should not feel guilty and that this was best for her. Yet I still feel unsettled about her new living arrangement. I as well as mom will just need to take each day as it comes, as we both adjust to all the changes.

Upon my arrival I was able to set up a meeting with the staff at the nursing home. This left me feeling more secure knowing that mom was being cared for twenty four hours a day. They were all professional and knowledgeable about dementia. One could feel their sincerity and sensitivity to our situation.

 Last week the many days that I spent with mom, had  touching moments and others that were quite upsetting. She said that her mother had called and that she was worried about her, so she that had to leave and go home . She repeated this everyday and at times this was all she could speak about. I believe that this was her way of expressing that her surroundings were different. Mom was unable to connect the words to share what she was really thinking.

She then spoke about needing to to go back home to take care of her little babies. This home was not the place she lived with my dad for over twenty five years, but her childhood home she left over seventy years ago. I found what she said to be fascinating and when I questioned who I was, she knew immediately that I was her daughter. Yet her wishes were to be with her parents. It amazing how this disease could take her back in time to recall and yearn for a place that she was raised in many years ago.

 If  I could protect her as I would my own child, perhaps I would feel better. Whether it is my mom, or your mom we all hold this deep bond and love for our mothers. I took my son several years ago to the two different homes where I as a child grew up. I remember the warm feelings that resonated from theses places.  I  treasured all the love and good times as a family that we once shared, so I am able to understand mom wanting to return to her home.

 I know that I need to find a way to fill the emptiness and the void that I am feeling since I cannot have my daily phones call with her. I looked forward to these calls and her kisses everyday for the last nine years. Yes, I have been able to speak to her at different moments, but it is not the same. One thing I know for sure is if mom knew how upset I've been, she would tell me not to be sad and please not to worry.

 I need to return to that special place of  being thankful and embrace all that we still can share. I have been for many years grateful for everything, and I must reach deep into my heart and soul to find that place again. I know that I must do this for my mom, for this would certainly be her wishes for me.



September is Worldwide Alzheimer's Month

My Mom My Hero book is for all the special people in our lives.

Available on Amazon & Kindle worldwide.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0615773982/ref=olp_product_details?ie=UTF8&me=&seller=
 

MY MOM'S NEW HOME

MY MOM'S NEW HOME

I just got back from visiting my mom for a week in her "new" home. The care at the nursing home left me feeling in many ways secure. There were ups & downs, smiles and tears. I felt happiness and sadness along with some deep thoughts about of our own mortality, life and ....

My brother filmed this video of our mom that I just wanted to share with you. It's under 2 minutes.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ftzRC_6beCk&feature=em-upload_owner#action=share

Thank you everyone for following on our journey. I love each and everyone of you and know deeply how we are ALL in this together. Our stories are all different and yet they are all the same.

Lisa

A PLACE CALLED HOME

A PLACE CALLED HOME


I use to look forward to phoning my mom each morning. Things have recently changed since mom is  living in a nursing home. Now when I call the nurses station each day, I cannot help but feel a lump in my throat. As of yet I have not been able to arrange any phone calls to speak to her. It's not that I haven't tried, I just feel that it is more important to hear about how mom is adjusting.

On Monday I will be seeing mom and meeting with her nurses, and hopefully I will then be able to arrange someway, of hearing her sweet voice. My husband did remind me that mom does not realize that I am not calling, yet for me it is so important to speak to her. This ritual has become part of my life for the last nine years. One that I have truly loved.

The joy that I felt from these phone calls, especially since I could not jump in my car and see her   left me feeling connected to her . The distance between us at these moments all but vanished for the several minutes we were able to share. Through the years our conversations  have diminished, as mom's disease has stolen from her the power of  connecting her thoughts with her words .Yet somehow I still feel like I have deserted her.

During these last trying weeks mom has mostly spoken about her parents, especially her mother. Mom keeps requesting that she wants to go home. She told me that her mom called and that she is worried about her. She then added in that her mother liked me very much and wanted to know whose house I would prefer to go to, hers or her mom's. There was not much I could say except to leave her in her "new" world of fantasy.

It's both fascinating and profound to me how in her mind she travels back in time . She always wishes to go back home to her parents.  A place for her that must feel safe and sound, and filled with much love. A place she calls her home. Mom just turned 89 years old, and living with her parents was many moons ago.

Mom is still unable to walk since her feet are now swelled. The nurse's were trying to get her to take a few steps since the rehab was not working. How can you give mom directions and then leave her to continue with the exercise, if she cannot even remember what she had for lunch directly after finishing a meal ? The nursing home is not to blame, just that everything is limited unless one can afford private care, 24 hours a day. Unfortunately for us this is not possible.

So mom remains in diapers because she is unable to get up and walk to a bathroom and is confined to a wheelchair. The director of nursing thinks that mom might be able to walk and that I should keep my spirits up. I must confess that my conversations so far with the staff  have left me feeling somewhat secure. They seem knowledgeable and committed to their profession .

So this is my mom's new life, whatever is left of it, and this is now for her a place called home. We all need time to adjust, and I can only hope and pray that my mom will be well taken care of. For me I need to be thankful that I have been given this second chance to love this lady unconditionally.


September is Worldwide Alzheimer's Month

My Mom My Hero book is for all the special people in our lives.

Available on Amazon & Kindle worldwide.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0615773982/ref=olp_product_details?ie=UTF8&me=&seller=

 

AS TIME PASSES BY

AS TIME PASSES BY

This was my mom in 2010 celebrating her 86th Birthday. At that time Alzheimer's had already made it's mark upon her. Mom will be 89 years old tomorrow and as she has aged, so has the progression of Alzheimer's. These last 2 weeks have been pretty stressful, and for me many tears have fallen from my eyes.

Last week mom went from an ambulance to the emergency room, and then was admitted into the hospital. Only to find out  that she had terrible arthritis in her knee, which left her unable to walk. Today she is in a rehab program at a nursing home, a place she will not be able to leave. This has become her "new" home. Although I knew it was inevitable, I did not think that this was how it would happen. My mom never mentioned to anyone through all these years that she ever had any pain in her leg.

Mom is incapable of following the physical therapist's instructions. She is now wearing a diaper out of necessity, and not because she is incontinent. Since she  has no way of walking she cannot get to the bathroom. Trying to explain any of this is too complicated for her to understand. Given the disease and her age I truly believe that mom will probably be in a wheelchair for the rest of her life.


I need to take a deep breath and take hold of my emotions, and pull myself together and wipe away the tears. Mom was given medication since she was babbling which makes me wonder how quick she might become a "zombie". She can still speak and although it has been difficult for me to collect my daily kisses, I am hopeful that they will return. She has always been able to bounce back. Facing reality, probably not this time.

 I was able to have her spell several words with me this week. Which left me knowing that she was still capable of thinking. She spelt for me beautiful, sunshine, education and fabulous. Needless to say she actually spelt each one correctly. We also sang "you are my sunshine," as she said and I quote her, "oh how I love that song."

As hard of a week this was for me and my brother, I can only imagine how difficult it was for her. I am sure there were moments  where not only was she confused but frightened as well. I guess the one good thing about this disease is that as quick as the thought appears, that is how quick it disappears .

I am saddened that although the nurses and staff seem nice to mom, they somehow do not really understand how to try and communicate with her. While she is still verbal, mom did not respond when the nutritionist asked what food she would like to eat. When I see someone with Alzheimer's even if they can no longer speak I find a way to relate to them. Behind their glazing eyes is a person who is still alive and breathing. More training needs to be done in hospitals and nursing homes across this country so these workers can understand this horrific disease.


I have seventeen long days until I get to see mom, and I wish that I will never have to leave her. Unfortunately this cannot be . So for the days that I will be with her, I must try to enjoy every passing moment that I can share with her . I know that if my mom could understand what was going on ,she would try to comfort me and tell me, not to worry .

As time goes by each second of everyday my mom is slipping away. It hurts me terribly, yet I must except the truth. I pray that mom's last days, no matter how many she has left she will be able to feel all the love that I have for her.

My Mom My Hero Book is for the special people we love in our lives. Great reviews .Available on Amazon & Kindles worldwide.

http://www.amazon.com/Mom-Hero-Alzheimers--daughters-bittersweet/dp/0615773982/ref=sr_1_6?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1363625113&sr=1-6&keywords=my+mom+my+hero

TOO MANY MILES APART

TOO MANY MILES APART

 My mother so sweetly whispered these words, "how much do you love me, for I love you more than anything in the whole wide world." I questioned how did she go from telling me two days ago that you can never love too much, to now lying in a hospital bed unable to move her leg .

Intellectually, I do know and understand that life can change in a split second, yet the doctor's diagnosis of mom's knee needing a replacement, really took me by surprise. It actually sent shock waves through my body.

When Elaine her caregiver, entered  mom's home on Tuesday morning she found her unable to walk on one leg. Her home was in shambles and there was green jello found on her living room rug, in her bed and all over her clothes.

Was she having another UTI ? She had just finished her antibiotics a few days ago. In addition
she was unable to walk. Elaine was afraid that she would urinate all over herself, since she could not help mom to the bathroom.  She said that nothing looked bruised, although she thought it was best for mom to go to the emergency room. I agreed and she called 911.  Elaine then followed the ambulance as the medics took mom to the hospital.

Several hours later as I was keeping abreast of the situation, I was told that mom had fluid on her knee.  The doctor said this condition has probably been going on for sometime now. Shock # 2. Yet just a few hours earlier while speaking to mom she sounded good, as we giggled about the green jello. Even as I questioned her, she said she had no pain in her leg. My mom has complained about having back pains for as long as I can remember, but never once did I nor my brother or her caregivers, ever hear of her complaining about pains in her leg.

While speaking to the doctor he was discussing surgery, except not recommending it at her age. Instead he thought what would be best would be to drain her knee. The physical therapist also thought that she should go to a nursing home for rehabilitation. My brother said that maybe this was a blessing in disguise, since we are presently trying to get her into one of these facilities .

Being a long distance caregiver has me now feeling lost, somewhere in outer space. I just wanted to jump into my car, rush over to her, and hold her hand as she waited in the emergency room. How many days would it take me to drive 1200 miles ? It's moments like this that living so many miles apart becomes  more difficult.

 I  continued to phone the hospital and was updated every few hours by her caregiver. I was able to speak to mom again and I joked with her that she might be able to meet a doctor and marry him. Mom said, " Oh no, I have a husband who is so sweet, kind and handsome." "Okay mom what's his name?" His name is "Gilbert Jeffrey Elian." As she said his name I was touched, for this is my brother. When I shared this with Gil, he was surprised. He commented that although he visits her every week,  she usually does not remember his name. Well today, he had the honors of being her one and only.

The fact that she does not remember my dad (who passed away eighteen years ago) her husband of fifty years, does not upset me. What upsets me is everything that I do know. Fact-Mom would be moving into a nursing home quicker than I imagined. I wonder if she will also be in a wheelchair or will she be able to walk again? Somehow she always has been able to bounce back. I have told her several times that she is the "bionic woman".

Yesterday and last night I was feeling all right, yet when I awoke this morning I felt heavy and sad . I have been weeping on and off for several days. This is quite different from how I do handle mom's illness. I feel like a part of me is missing. There is a pang in my heart that will not go away. Yes everyone in similar situations have shared with me that this is best for her. I cannot escape feeling guilty and questioning how can I do this to her.

Although my heart is aching for how many miles we live apart, I need to be thankful that my mom is still alive . I have choices, and I know that I must return to the world of being grateful and celebrate who this woman is, and how she deeply touches my heart. It was not always like this yet I now feel privileged to be her daughter.

My Mom My Hero Book is for the special people we love in our lives. Great reviews .Available on Amazon & Kindles worldwide.

http://www.amazon.com/Mom-Hero-Alzheimers--daughters-bittersweet/dp/0615773982/ref=sr_1_6?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1363625113&sr=1-6&keywords=my+mom+my+hero

A DEDICATION TO MY MOM

A DEDICATION TO MY MOM

I am a long distance caregiver. My mom has Alzheimer's for nine years and her younger brother passed away from Alzheimer's five years ago. My mom will be 89 years old mid August. Out of her getting ill my love has been transformed. She will be going into a nursing home within 60 days which does break my heart. Otherwise my mom, who has become my hero, brings a smile to my face each and everyday.

Touching video only 2 1/2 minutes long.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IiOTuYu-jc4

A NEVER ENDING LOVE

A NEVER ENDING LOVE


Last week mom was having another episode with a urinary tract infection, better known as a U.T.I.  It seems as if every 2 weeks the infection has been recurring. I have become a pro at recognizing the symptoms almost instantly. It's as simple as my mom mentioning that she is having some back pains along with her not wanting to end our phone calls.

At most other times she is not capable of having any lengthy conversations. Recently, she has trouble connecting her words with her thoughts. I usually can distinguish what she is trying to say, although she has trouble expressing it.

Last week as the infection developed we had a more lengthy uplifting phone call. She was able to express all the love she felt for me and how much she missed me.  As our call came to an end tears of joy fell from my eyes.

At the moment she called me her sweet ,beautiful daughter my heart melted. Mom's voice sounded so gentle as she spoke these loving words. Everything seemed to connect in all the right places ,as if her Alzheimer's has disappeared.

There are so many things about this disease that fascinate me, that with this behavior it just adds to the list. Why when the U.T.I. starts is mom able to continuously speak making sense and sharing
past memories.

She becomes animated and thrilled as she reminiscence's about these images and the thoughts that are so real to her. How can this infection effect her  and have her bounce back to life?

I was overjoyed with these calls until I realized that this was the beginning of the infection. The U.T.I. would then cause her to be up all night and wander around her apartment as if she had just swallowed speed.  After this for the next several days out of total exhaustion, all she wanted to do was sleep.

These conversations that once had me rejoice, now have me saying "oh no, here we go again." Unfortunately, all I am left with is an yearning for these more fullfilling moments.

The words of love that we are now able to share with one another were not always present. Life can be strange for after mom became ill, my love for her tranformed into an unconditional one.

I wish that I could remove this disease from her, yet we know this is impossible. Instead, I hold onto a love for her that is never ending. A love and respect for this special lady who today has become my hero.


My Mom My Hero Book is for the special people we love in our lives.

#1 on Amazon Best Seller's in Memoirs (June 2013) fr/e books

Available on Amazon & Kindle worldwide.

http://www.amazon.com/Mom-Hero-Alzheimers--daughters-bittersweet/dp/0615773982/ref=sr_1_6?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1363625113&sr=1-6&keywords=my+mom+my+hero

 

WHO ARE WE ?

WHO ARE WE ?

I wonder to mom who I might be this week. A mother, daughter, friend or relative? Lucky me that mom is still able to distinguish between sexes. Know need to worry that she might think I'm her son or even grandson.

In her world she can no longer explain how she sees or understands things. I sit, I listen and try to search some clues as she sometimes shares her passing thoughts. It amazes me how most of her life could just disappear as if in some ways it never existed.

Each day she wants to know when I will be coming to visit. She has been wanting to know this everyday for the last two weeks. So much so, that I have been wondering if she realizes that I have not seen her in several months. On the opposite side of the coin, I know that if I had just visited she would not remember that either. Yet I must admit that feelings of guilt have embraced me for several moments each time she mentions this.

Foolishly, I approach the topic with mom to see if she remembers what I look like and to have a little fun. "Of course I remember what you look like,"she responds. "You are beautiful." "Thanks mom except you are even prettier." Ruthie says,"I am?" "Yes mom you are very pretty." With some surprise in her voice she thanks me. For in my eyes my mother was and always will be quite beautiful .

Last night I found a picture of her holding my son when he was only a few weeks old. She looked so young, and vibrant as she cuddled him.  As I looked at the picture I flashed back to her life twenty five years ago.  Maybe not totally perfect, yet a life filled with love, family and friends. Today mom does not know that she has a grandson. A grandson who she so adored.

Unfortunately since she has macular degeneration for many years she has not been able to recognize her family in pictures. I believe that if she was able to see photos of us it could have helped her retain memories of each one of us.

As each day goes by I wait for her to throw me my kisses. Sometimes I receive them just as I requested . Then there are the times when she just hands the phone back to her caregiver, only to be reminded that her daughter is waiting for her kisses. Other days she wonders how can she kiss me through the phone and tells me that if I want her kisses I should come over and collect them.

Either way there never is a day that I hang up without receiving her delicious kisses. Kisses that mean the world to me. Kisses that I never take for granted. Kisses that I slip into my pocket to hold close to my heart . Mom's kisses bring such warmth and mean the world to me.

On good days mom knows who I am and on some off days she wonders who I am. As long as I can hear the sounds of her sweet voice it does not matter who to her I might be . I can only wish and pray that she may always have some memories of who we all are. For now I hold onto our brighter days never knowing when these may come to an end.


My Mom My Hero Book is for the special people we love in our lives.

 

#1 on Amazon Best Seller's in Memoirs (June 2013) fr/e books

Available on Amazon & Kindle worldwide.

http://www.amazon.com/Mom-Hero-Alzheimers--daughters-bittersweet/dp/0615773982/ref=sr_1_6?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1363625113&sr=1-6&keywords=my+mom+my+hero

ROLLER COASTER RIDE

ROLLER COASTER RIDE


Last week was my birthday which mom had no idea of the month or day that I was born . She had no memory of giving birth to me, naming me or holding me for the very first time. She does not remember watching me grow from a child into an adult.

I feel fortunate that I can except all of this without feeling upset. For my Birthday celebration this week I decided to have mom sing me each day the Happy Birthday song. When she arrived at "happy birthday dear ....."she blanked on my name, yet quickly replaced it with calling me "her friend", her "sweet relative" or even" her mother." I knew that I was in good company for all these people she loved.

Since I live far away, I do not get to see her that often. My brother who visits her each week told me that she is now addressing him as her friend. She knows his name, yet usually does not remember that he is her son. Sometimes when I call she is confused thinking that she just spoke to me, when in reality she just hung up with my brother.

When I fear that she is getting worse, she somehow bounces back as if Alzheimer's is not winning. At moments there is clarity about what she is saying. Then there are the other times when she makes no sense. On these days I can hear how disconnected she is from the world.

 When I do hear words flow from her they are very meaningful to me. Mom being able to speak is something I never take for granted. When she insists that she does not want to spell anymore, I  respect her request and just move on. I certainly do not want to frustrate her and love that she still has the ability to spell.

She makes me smile when she tells me that I should keep in touch. "Mom I call you everyday." Her  quick response is that her caregivers must have forgotten to tell her. After she questions where I live and I ask her where she lives, her answer is,"I live here." She has her moments  of being able to answer spontaneously. She also has a knack to be able to cover up the answers that she cannot complete.

When mom calls me her friend, her relative ,or her mother I still smile, yet when I hear that she is just lying in a chair stearing at the ceiling, I become saddened and wonder what kind of existence does she now have.

Her illness at times has me feel like I am on a roller coaster. As she goes up and down with each elevation my heart goes along for the ride. There are the times that I stay with her and enjoy the ride, and then there are the dips that I just want to get off as quickly as I can.

 Life is not always how we want it to be, yet not one day goes by that I do not feel how special it is, that I still have my mom.

My Mom My Hero is for the special people we love in our lives.

#1 on Amazon Best Seller's in Memoirs (June 2013) fr/e books

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http://www.amazon.com/Mom-Hero-Alzheimers--daughters-bittersweet/dp/0615773982/ref=sr_1_6?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1363625113&sr=1-6&keywords=my+mom+my+hero