THEY CALL IT FEELING'S

                      This picture was taken approximately fifteen years ago,after my dad passed away.

THEY CALL IT FEELING’S

Monday morning after our return trip (before we attended my father- in- laws funeral) I called my mom to say hello.  I was not going to mention that I missed her already, or how I loved seeing her.  I did not want to bring up anything that might set her off again with such unhappiness.  My mom answered ‘hi sweetie “and I said what is “sweeties “real name and my mom answered with” Lisa, the same name as mine”.   I smiled and said mom I love you, and only spoke for a few minutes before we hung up.  So to protect my mom from any pain I decided not to share any of my feelings with her.  Feelings of how much I wish I could see her, hug her and take care of her, and even more, of how I wish we lived nearby each other.

On Thursday my mom once again had words of advice and wisdom for me.  I mentioned to her that I was not going to sit Shiva with my husband and his family again today.  I had been doing it every day and tomorrow it was over.  My mom said “you need to do what is best for you and sitting Shiva or not will not bring him back”.  As we say after prayers, Amen.

Friday morning when I called my mom and spoke to her she seemed okay, maybe not as cheerful as other days yet fine.  Towards the end of our conversation which she had just spelt for me plantation, coconut and pineapple (in two seconds flat) I asked my mom what is (my son) her grandson’s name who she just saw a few days ago.  She did not know Logan’s name. Today she did know my name and hers.  My mom has only one grandchild that she absolutely adores and that his name has disappeared from her mind brings me much sadness.  I feel that my mom is truly slipping away.  She has recently in the past forgotten Logan’s name and did once or twice while we visited her this past week.  Now it hit me in a different way.  How much time does she or I have before she forgets my name and then who I am?  No one knows the answer to this.  I wonder if she feels frightened and confused about what is happening to her.  I know that whatever time we have left is getting closer and I know that I need to cherish all that we still do have.  Yet isn’t the brain amazing?  My mom just spelled coconut, pineapple and plantation in two seconds and yet she cannot remember her grandson’s name.

Logan has not seen his grandmother in a year.  We will be returning in exactly one week.  As usual, my trips seem to bring up both feelings of excitement and fear to see how my mom is now.  Although I have the privilege to speak to her each and everyday seeing her and being with her is definitely not the same.