Wednesday, August 17, 2011



Each time after I leave visiting my mom within a very short time my mom has no recollection that I was even just with her.  She does not remember seeing me in her kitchen or taking her for walks or out to eat. She does not remember me helping her to wash her face, brush her teeth,her hair, or to help her get dressed. She does not remember us singing or dancing. Yet I hope she remembers all the love I have for her. For me that's all that matters.

Ever since I came back from my last trip to see mom, she keeps asking me why I don’t come over.  She says that she would love for me to come and visit her.  I explain each and every time that I live far away and that I would have to get on a plane, since I cannot just drive over.  Ruthie seems really surprised that I live so far away.  Then mom asks me how long it would take and she adds in” what is the big deal” and tells me that I should just get on the plane.  I tell her how I wish I could and  yet she cannot understand  the distance between us.  I’m in New York and she lives in Florida. New York is where  my mom was born and lived until 24 years ago when she and my dad moved to Florida.
Mom actually just asked me if it was cold where I live and I say “no mom its New York and we are experiencing summer just like you”.

I recently flashed back on when my mom  came to visit approximately 5-6 years ago.  This was before I realized that she had Alzheimer’s.  My mom and I would be having big fights, ones that she would say that she was never coming to see me anymore, and after her return to Florida she would always thank me and tell me what a great time she had.  Was her memory starting to fail?  Did she not remember what went on or as my mother, did she just really want it to end in a nice way?  Was she in denial, or the beginning  of  Alzhemier's?
Sometimes I feel a little helpless and sad.  I miss my mom alot and not being able to see her more often certainly upsets me.  My mom still loves her home and feels secure there so trying to remove her from her home to live closer to me right now is not possible.  Yet when that time comes I'm afraid to say that she probably will no longer know who I am.
How great would it be if I could see my mom more often just to hug and squeeze her. Although I do speak to my mom everyday and get to share with her how much I love and miss her it doesn't seem to be enough. New York and Florida are just too far apart.  Only if we could live closer. How cool that would be.
Next trip to my mom's is not until beginning of October.  So until I see her adorable face and get to hold her hand again, I will keep sending my love and kisses ,via the telephone.

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